Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Just the right amount of asshole for your crazy....

Do people not date anymore?  I know plenty of people that are happily married that have "date nights".  Seems like having "dates" makes better relationships.  So why is it that some people don't date anymore?  Dating takes work.  I know plenty of people that meet in a bar, hang out in the bar together, go home, have sex and often it blooms into a relationship.  Then next thing you know their relationship is over.  Well, at some point, this has to turn into a real relationship.  Hanging out at the bar isn't what most people view as a relationship.  At some point, they expect the relationship to go somewhere, but after you remove the group, the boose, the noise, the atmosphere, they have really nothing to talk about.  My last relationship started this way and pretty much ended when I no longer wanted to hang in the bar in order to keep the relationship.  Very few of us, male or female, can hang day in and day out in a bar.  But it's where most people meet anymore.  In fact, "dating" experts actually now recommend hanging out in a sports bar once in a while if you're a woman hoping to meet the right guy.  Big change from 20 years ago where they told women to stay out of the bars if you wanted to meet a nice guy.  It's not that nice guys don't go to the bar.  It's that nice guys don't hang out in the bar day in and day out.  And well, nice guys still date, and so do the ones that aren't the type you want to date.  What?  Yes, men and women still date--it's just that dating is difficult.

Why so difficult?  Well, one of you has to actually want to get to know the other person.  A date requires conversation--dinner, lunch, coffee, going to a museum, pretty much even if you go to a movie or some kind of show, you're actually going to have to talk in the vehicle on the way there and the way back.  Talking and getting to know someone else is really pretty difficult for many people.  Alcohol removes these inhibitions.  The fear of saying the wrong thing or being concerned with how the other person views you kind of disappears, but too much interferes with you being able to remember what you are finding out about the other person.  So I'm not saying that you don't have a drink or even go to a bar on a date, but a date does actually require you to focus on the person that you are with, not your friends that just walked in or that greener grass that you haven't had the nerve to show interest in until you had competition for them sitting there "supporting" your ego.  I actually had this happen.  I was supposed to meet a guy--he had asked me to meet him at a local bar and maybe get something to eat later.  I was running late, text him that I would be there just a bit late because of an issue that came up with my kid.  I text him that I'm on my way and he texts back "okay".  Next idiot that texts me "okay" I may just get into my pj's and call it a night.  Why?  I get there and he's chatting up two women.  This didn't bother me.  It was a place where at least half the bar knows everyone in the bar.  Neighborhood place.  So he leans in to my ear and tells me that he's being drowned with their drama.  So no big deal.  I tell him I'm going to wish a friend a happy birthday that is there and I'll be right back.  And I was--didn't take even 3 minutes to say happy birthday and give her a hug and walk back.   I stand there while now only one of the women is remaining chatting him up.  I stand there for my first and a second beer.  Finally, I ask him what's going on, and he shrugs, "she's a lot of drama" he tells me.  I told him fine and that I was going to go sit with my friends and come over when he gets done listening to her.  Eventually it was obvious that he was getting hit on.  Give me a break.  Now don't get me wrong.  I wasn't mad.  There was nothing to be mad about.  Never date more asshole than you can handle--a player, someone that would actually makes plans with one woman and then pick up another--well, spare me the excuses.  Likewise with women.  Drop these types of people immediately.  They aren't dating.  They are using "dates" as crutches to make themselves more "desirable" or to prop up their weak egos by having you as a fall back plan.  You can't get to know someone if they are too weak to have a conversation with you when they ask you out.

Another difficulty is that women don't typically ask men out, and most men while flattered, this still somehow attacks the male ego.  There's some sort of balancing act we women are supposed to tread--one where the guy doesn't feel too afraid to ask and one where we don't become too actively interested.  Don't ask me.  I've asked guys out.  Trust me--doesn't work.  The harder you seem to get, the more interested a man is.  Of course, if they perceive you as too hard to get, then they are too, for lack of a better word, afraid to tell you that they are interested.  Of course, in the reverse, I know plenty of wonderful women that can't understand why they don't get asked out or when they do it's some jerk like I posted in the previous paragraph.  Well, jerks have way more ego--or maybe they've been shot down so much they've become inoculated to it.  Most guys have to feel like the risk of asking in the first place isn't going to be a huge shotgun to the ego.  They don't want to feel stupid anymore than women do.  It's a gamble no matter whether male or female.  You don't know until you try, but if you get burned often enough accepting dates with jerks or being shot down, well, it just becomes that more difficult to want to try to go out with anyone.

But here's the main reason you're not going on dates.  You're not expecting it and/or you're not requiring it for yourself.  "Hooking up" or "hanging out with a group" has taken over the dating concept.  Only it's not dating.  Dating takes work--hanging out doesn't.  Dating means that you want to put your best foot forward and you are presenting yourself as a real possibility.  Hanging out is hoping it all falls together without any work.  Now, here's the funny part--when you date someone that has real potential, maybe "the one" if you believe in that, it does just fall together without much work.  I joke with my friends "all women can be crazy to some level and all men can be assholes to some point, so don't date more crazy than your asshole can handle".  I believe cheating dogs, male or female version, tend to be so crazy or such assholes that they can't get enough of the balance without having more than one.  Don't feel bad that you weren't crazy or asshole enough.  But one thing about those types is they love the "hanging out" and "hooking up" if you let them.  Plenty of outs that way.  Now, here's a shocker--if you are like me--a dating type, someone who genuinely tries to get to know the other person, those types will actually succumb to "dating" just to make you happy--for a time.  So don't think that all of the sudden you start requiring dating time that the person you are dating is actually "dating" you.  You'll figure it out in time if they aren't.  If you're really lucky, they'll let you know like that idiot in the first paragraph did.  Oh and don't think that I didn't at least give him a second chance--a colossal waste of my time, but yea, so no, I'm not immune.  I'm perfectly capable of ignoring my own advice.

Dating is supposed to be something you both like to do.  When we are younger, we are more willing to do things with someone we care about just because they like it.  As we get older, dating really requires us to find someone with common  ground.  Our tolerance for giving up who we are for someone else goes down.  I think this is a reason for a lot of divorces to be honest.  One person is more demanding than the other, so the relationship becomes uneven in one person's mind.  The bigger the asshole or crazy bitch, the more they are going to take and take and take, but if you find the amount of crazy that matches the amount of asshole, well, things balance out.  Start dating to find that match.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Group Think or Broadened Horizons

Let's face it.  I've never marched to the beat of any drum other than my own.  My family while proud of my military service now certainly never wanted me to choose that.  Even when I was in the military I didn't receive accolades for towing the line.  I was an outside the box thinker and that was actually a huge plus in the military.  I've never needed, nor desired, everyone to agree with me.  It occurred to me at a very young age I didn't think like most people.  I liked to form my own opinion about people and things, regardless of "warnings" or negative feedback from others about anyone or anything.  If I liked you, it didn't matter that 10 people I also was friends with didn't like you, and as some can attest to even to this day, I'd give up ten "friends" demanding I not be friends with someone.  I didn't like being bullied as a kid, so it's probably of little surprise that I do not like it as an adult.  Bullied?  Yes, that's what we call it when group think takes over... We also use terms like mob mentality, "mean girls", and fascism. 

Is that a little over dramatic?  No, it's just a slippery slope where once on that slide many people can't, and even a lot of the times, don't want to get off.  Group think starts very simply.  For example, you hang with Joe and Bob.  The three of you all think that the same thing about cheerleaders.  Cheerleaders are all good looking, dumber than a box of rocks, and slutty.  Joe may think the slutty part more than you.  However, Joe is your buddy.  You don't really have any reason to disagree with him.  It is just easier to keep the peace.  Besides, what does it matter if you agree or not.  Eventually Joe has surrounded himself and you with people that either agree with him or just don't want to argue the point.  You start to realize that even the people that won't argue the point, although initially opposed to his idea that all cheerleaders are whores are now mimicking his rhetoric.  That's group think.  You begin to think as the group agrees or acquiesces to.  It is an unfortunate part of human nature.  

Some of us have a pack mentality and we can take that pack mentality to extremes.  Cults are a great example of the extreme. Of course, everyone knows that there is some amount of brainwashing that goes on with cults.  Never happen to us, right?  We're not going to be brainwashed, but that's already happening in the example with Joe and the cheerleaders.  You have given whatever your opinion is or was through consistent feedback supporting, or seemingly supporting, of Joe's opinion.  Joe's opinion has become fact for your group.  That's all fine and dandy.  But who cares about the cheerleaders anyway?  It's just an example.  Yet, I bet you, knowing my readership base, are are always confused by people that burn their neighborhood and loot in protest.  Admittedly, no matter how we look at it, it seems ridiculous.  Nonsensical.  Yet it occurs over and over.  And no, not just blacks.  This has been a common occurrence over centuries, even here in the USA with common white folk in the early 1900s when there were no labor laws to protect the average workers.  But still, even then, completely ridiculous.  Yet as a group begins to anger, it's a proven fact over and over, eventually the anger becomes its own force.  One person throws something--a punch, a chair, a rock, whatever-- and the feeding frenzy begins.  Average everyday human beings turn into piranha.  And no, it doesn't have to be anger about an issue. I'm sure some remember people literally beating the crap out of each other for Cabbage Patch Kids??  A Christmas present for their kids and they literally lost their damn minds fighting over them.  A group can quickly become a mob, especially when they feel like they are the majority or that they all are wanting a limited amount of something.  People have trampled other people to run away from something.  The pack just takes off and pays no attention to what we would normally view as acceptable behavior.  

Well, you're not one of those people, but really?  Ask yourself these questions:  When someone disagrees with you do you immediately ask someone else who agrees with you to "help" you "win" the discussion?  Do you pretty much have only friends who agree with you on pretty much most stuff?  Most people?  I know plenty of very educated people that maintain only people like themselves as friends.  They don't have the ability to make nice with people that don't share their beliefs and opinions.  How am I friends with them?  Because I share some of their opinions, but I can tell you that many of them when they get irate with me over something we disagree on--well, we are never going to be real friends.  Do I care if they don't want to be friends anymore?  No, actually it's a big relief.  I had one friend who literally threaten another friend because they had two different opinions--opposed opinions.  I had a totally different opinion than either of them, but the one "friend" got pissed at me because if I didn't agree with him and in his mind that meant I had to agree with the other friend.  Needless to say, he and I are no longer friends and we had been good friends for a while.  You do not threaten someone just because they disagree with you.  Geez.  But he was so entrenched with like minded friends, other than me, that he couldn't see how anyone could be friends and not agree.  He literally carried his group think with him at all times.  

Am I immune to group think?  I don't think anyone is immune.  You have to actively make the effort to expand your mind and intentionally maintain friends with people who are different than you.  I'm not sure how easy that is for some people.  For those that use the Myers & Briggs system in personality assessment--the overall mix of the 16 personality types seems like you easily would find people like you since Myers & Briggs Foundation shows that is seems like a relatively even mix.  We all know this is ridiculous.  We know that 2% of the population are gifted--you can drop them in the worst neighborhood, in the worst school, with nothing to help them excel--and yet, if they are part of that 2% they will excel.  A system used by many companies, Enneagram Institute's personality indicators divides us into 256 personalities with 9 basic types instead of 16 based on 4 basics.  Now, when we think about that--bam!  Now we understand why it might be easy for some to find people that match them and difficult for others--It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize 256 different personalities would more easily explain why some of us find it difficult to associate with people different than ourselves.  Should we try?  I don't know.  It depends on you.  I always try.  It helps me learn more and I still want to learn something new everyday.  If you have to have that support, can't be open to other people's points of view, need other people to agree with you on everything, then it's probably not for you.  I'd love to tell you to try, but if you are thinking about trying, then don't worry.  You're not one of the people that can't.  You're just one of the people that never thought about it.  It's a step to getting away from being at risk for group think, mob mentality and the negative impacts they can have.  Exchange of ideas and broadened horizons are on the other side of that effort.  Well worth the effort if you can do it.   

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

And this is how dating ends..

Unquestionable loyalty.  I don't know.  Maybe that's what makes a real relationship.  I have unwavering loyalty for my friends.  I know the makes me pretty bad ass by most standards.  But unwavering loyalty for a partner?  A man?  Well, technically I've done that, rode that pony, and been thrown.   I'm absolutely sure that I know plenty of guys that feel the same way.  I see my girls and my guys, all wishing.   I'm not the only one.

Of course, love just doesn't work that way. I'm not really sure how it works.  I've watched friends, both, dating, each other, fight and argue because others just keep stirring the shit.  You'd think it would've died.  It might've if they hadn't realized someone was screwing their opportunity.  It doesn't matter how.  What matters is they are still together.  It's arguably true that love survives all.  Because all the fuckers trying to end it, jealous or ugly or just looking for entertainment, have no control over true love.

Hahaha... Okay maybe.  Do I believe?  Well I love to.  In true love anyway.  But I don't.  I mean come on.  I'm 40+... Grown children.  I just pray I taught them what is or isn't right they know it when they see it.  My Granddaddy always said you know.  You know it's love.  Of course he was a heavy drinker by today's standards.  Yet, I was supposedly the child of true love.  That didn't actually work for my parents either.  So then, what is true love?

Then you realize love is what you give.  It's not about true anything. Nope.  True love is how you feel. About the "one".  About friends that you think of as family.  About anyone that has always been there for you. As you get older, the odds that the person or persons you meet will always be there for you, well, they are fewer and farther between.  Partially because dedicated are thinner as we get older, I'd argue they were always thin, or we just become more guarded.

So what do we do?  Just keep trying.  It's human nature.  We try.  We want hope; any hope is trying.  If we happen to be in love, then we keep trying.  I lost a really good friend a few years ago.  I was supposed to marry him in February.  But if I really wanted to, if he was really the one, we all know... Well I know.  I would've married him years ago.  There's simple as simple gets.  My life would've been super easy if I had.  He even made that argument.  But I'm a dumbass with heart.

If you ask me if I feel like I failed myself or my boys, well, no.  I didn't. My boys didn't live with a poor example of love.  Okay, granted they didn't live with an example of real love either.... But they get this is their story to write way better than I did.  What I know is being alone is better than less than perfect for me.  What they know is find your unicorn, your perfect, your Gumby, your perfect wand.  It's not that it doesn't exist.  It's just that we fool ourselves with youth and fantasy.  Reality can be amazing when you don't kill it before it gets started or start too early.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

What are you really Thankful for?

Thanksgiving.  Happy Thanksgiving.  I'm seeing it a lot today, but have you ever really thought about what you are really thankful for?  I mean besides the most obvious--family, friends, good health, et cetera.  We all have a lot of things that we are thankful for.  But very few of us have really thought about what we are deeply thankful for.  I know, when you read this, you think to yourself like I do, I know what I'm thankful for.  I'm thankful for my boys, for my life, for good friends...But what are we really thankful for?

There's a deeper meaning and lesson to Thanksgiving.  Sure most of us easily picture the first Thanksgiving meal as a friendly meal between the pilgrims and the natives.  Most know that it's because the natives assisted the Pilgrims in growing and cultivating their own food and helping them learn the land.  It's all very simple, right?  Did you know that the Pilgrims were not "Puritans"?  Did you know that the religious zealots that we now know as the Puritans came over after and that less than 25 years later had started a war with the native tribes in the area and were enslaving the natives?  The Pilgrims were separatists--wanting religious freedom from the Church of England.  The Puritans were religious zealots that wanted to impose their religion on others and viewed anyone not practicing their religion as "less" than them and damned.  That Thanksgiving dinner that all of us are taught in school did actually happen.  Between the Pilgrims and the Natives.  And the religious zealots came and ruined that with their extremism in less than 25 years.

Now, think about that this Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving was a day that people of different views, different races and different religious beliefs, came together to appreciate that they were able to work together and learn from each other.  It didn't take long for extremists to come along and ruin everything that they worked for.  What do we have to be thankful for?  We have so much more to be thankful for than just family and friends.  We have all kinds of amazing things in this beautiful country of ours to give thanks for.  We have religious freedom in spite of the Puritan zealots almost ruining it before the country even became colonies.  We have rights that people in other countries can only dream of.  We live however we choose as long as we do no harm to others.  We have the right to speak our opinions without fear of the state coming and arresting us.  We do not have a debtors prison which was common place in Europe only a couple hundred years ago.

I know--that's too deep for Thanksgiving, right?  Yet, that is what Thanksgiving is actually for.  We turned it into a "family" thing and somehow in the midst of that forgot what we are actually supposed to be thankful for.  Thanksgiving is an American holiday--we are supposed to be on this day--thankful for the country that blossomed in spite of severe adversity by the grace and the unity of a the Natives and the Pilgrims that day started what would eventually become this beautiful country.  Sure, be thankful for your family, your friends, the turkey on the table as they were that day.  I'm thankful for my boys, my friends, and all kinds of little things that apply to me only.  But don't forget that this holiday is an American, exclusively American holiday.  A day not just to be thankful for all the people sitting around the table with us, but all that makes America great.  Happy Thanksgiving and everything that it stands for.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

True Love...One helluva conundrum....

First thing this morning I wake up to a friend's post talking about wishing "true love" still existed.  I can't help but think it's not that it doesn't exist.  I mean I know plenty of people in relationships that don't actually "love" each other, so it can seem like it.  Still I know people like my sister, who in spite of their ups and downs, that is still really love or one of my best friends who doesn't even believe in "soulmates" or "true love" who married her husband after only 3 months more than 20 years ago.  No matter what she says their relationship is "true love", to him, to her and to anyone that knows them.  Hell, one of my other best friends, she is married to her best friend and they've been happily together since high school. It's not that it doesn't exist.  It's just that I don't think it exists for me.  There I said it.  It simply doesn't exist for me.  My personality makes up 4% of the people on this planet and only 2% of that is female--I'm like 0.08% of the planet.  I don't need someone like me, but figure that the personality that compliments me has to be as rare.  I'm sure I had better odds when I was younger since the dating pool was larger but now?  The odds of me finding "true love" is like looking for a 400 year old shipwreck in the Laurentian Abyss.

For one, as we get older the single pool gets smaller, then gets people that are dismayed, yea let's call it dismayed, at failed relationships and divorces.  The single pool gets muddy with a lot of crap that has nothing to do with anyone other than the person that we were previously with or one previous huge failure in our minds.  If I'm honest, I have spent years with huge character flaws to avoid putting my heart at risk.  This is mostly my own fault if I'm really honest about it.  Not that everyone that I've dated have had huge character or psychological issues.  I just seemed to be picking very poorly.  One of the aforementioned best friends, would tell me that I had a "broke picker".  Maybe.  But in retrospect, I was intentionally picking the failed relationships from the start.  I didn't trust myself to pick a right one, so I would just settle in with the wrongest of the bunch--even when faced with multiple choices.  As we get older, those wrong choices are so much more prevalent it becomes easier and easier to pick the wrong one that even when a right choice presents itself it even feels more "right" to pick the wrong choice.

Yes, I know it sounds like circular logic.  It is.  It's like a merry go round from hell.  I've tried to alleviate this circular logic with FWB at one point.  That was a truly bad idea.  I have established a theory on FWB since and from observation of every single FWB relationship that I have ever known about, I have concluded this is absolutely true.  And truth be told, it's just common sense, although anyone entering into a FWB doesn't ever want to admit--regardless of which of the two in the FWB they are.  What two?  The fact is that whenever you have a FWB there is one that really genuinely doesn't want a relationship and one that actually does and hopes this will lead to it.  Sure, it is probably possible that some FWBs turn into real relationships, but the majority of the time, it is just what it is.  FWB.  One wants a relationship and hopes this might turn into it and the other really doesn't want one and hopes to find a real one while still getting laid.  Sooner or later, it's a recipe for disaster.  It simply doesn't work.

There's even a more ridiculous thing to consider when we think about FWB.  Sometimes we're actually in a FWB "relationship" and we don't even know it or acknowledge it.  The other person is just bidding their time until they find someone or something better.  Or they've just hit a low point--like desperate for sex--and they settle on us.  I know this is true, because yes, I have done it.  I have gotten into a "relationship", okay maybe more than one over the years, with no intention of sticking it out.  Zero, zilch, nada, just so I wouldn't have to sleep alone for a bit.  Eventually the guy would annoy the hell out of me with some habit that I didn't find endearing.  You know that old adage when you love someone you love everything about them even their flaws, well, when you enter into one of these types of relationships where you are just filling the void, eventually those flaws are like nails on a chalkboard.  They snore too loud, they chew too loud, they do this thing with their nose, they sing in the shower...who cares? Something about them annoys you.  With the right person, apparently from conversations that I've had with people that are now with the "right" person, it's not that annoys you--it's that it annoys you that you are with them.

Another one of my best friends used to say everything, pretty much anything, about any girl he dated was annoying as hell.  There wasn't a single thing any woman was ever going to do to make him happy.  He's not the only one.  I've listened to my guy friends enough over the years to know that what they can't stand about one woman is something they will describe as "cute" with the right woman.  And here's a shocker--it's the same for women.  We will overlook and even find an endearing quality in flaws for someone we love--but we can't do it for someone we don't.  I'm guessing it's human nature.  There's no way to truly quantify it other than it seems to be true.  I don't know.  I know I've never understood anyone overlooking cheating.  It does one hell of a number on the psyche when someone cheats on us.  But, I've known people that love someone so much that they will overlook that "flaw" (and yes, that's how they describe it as a flaw) because of love.  I'm not doing it, but it pretty much proves my case.  If they didn't truly love that person, they would be bolting for the door.

Being in love is actually pretty scary for those of us that have tried it before.  It's not something that we want to rush into when it happens again, and the fact is that when you fall in love, no matter how old we are, you just fall.  There's nothing preventing it.   Some of us want that feeling so desperately sometimes that we tell ourselves that we are in love when we know damn well we aren't.  Other times we see we are in love and we tell ourselves we aren't and run away as fast as we can.  I've done both.  Neither are actually smart.  I said I was smart (last blog), but I never claimed to be smart about everything.  Bottom line, the first choice is never working.  We weren't in love to begin with and we knew it.  We just wanted to be.  The second choice, well, no matter how the saying goes that "true love that's meant to be will be"--no, sometimes we screw things up so bad there's no coming back from it.  I've had past relationships where they screwed it up and ones, truth be told, where I have screwed it up.  Sometimes we have to admit there are lines that we can't cross if we truly love someone.  Problem is that most of the time we have yet to admit what those lines are until we've crossed them...and then it's too late.

Is there "true love"?  Of course there is.  All of us see it--we know it exists.  It comes down to does it exist for us?  For those of us that are single, stupid at relationships, self sabotaging, afraid, not willing to be hurt again, or whatever other lame brain excuse we can make for ourselves, does it actually exist for us?  Some people will never have "true love" because they had it once and it's still there for that one person.  I can think of one woman that I think of as one of the biggest manipulative sluts I know--yet, I know something about her that makes that statement incorrect.  She's still head over heels in love with her ex.  Whatever it was that went wrong there--it may or may not repair itself.  I have little doubt he's still in love with her.  But both of them are toxic to anyone else that they date.  They will never have "true love" because truth be told they never will let the "true love" they have go.  If you are like them, still holding onto some past relationship, well, you can never have what eludes you until you let go of what is gone.

Truth be told, most of us that want "true love" are just too scared to actually have it.  It's easier to recognize that feeling and immediately squash it before it gets started.  "Sex is everywhere.  Chemistry isn't."  Chemistry scares the hell out of us and running to the easiest thing is, well, just easier.  But Granddaddy used to say that "the easy route is the coward's route".  I used to think it was a stupid saying.  But when it comes to "true love"?  It's easier to pick the easier wrong choices than the ones that excite us, scare us, make our hearts beat faster.  We know when that heart gets going the risks have just doubled, tripled, multiplied immeasurably.  The risk of being hurt is far more difficult to face than finding a quick piece of ass.  But we will fool ourselves for the quick easy answer than risk ourselves for the scary heart pounding possibly real thing.  The real thing hurts for real when it ends.  The quick answer, well, we can just whine and cry about how it doesn't exist without ever actually getting hurt.  "True love" is not the easy route at first glance, but when it is "true love" it is once you take the leap.  Now that's one hell of a conundrum.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Hooray!!! Dating sucks!!!

Okay, back to blogging about of course.  So if you are one of my avid readers, you actually know how much I hate dating.  I hate it so much I normally only date guys that I know have an issue that I can walk away from.  Every guy I've dated since my ex-husband I always have that long list of issues that they will not work long term.  Yes, I pretend there isn't but all my best friends know that there is a heinous little list I keep on every single one of them with only one exception.  I have promised that I am not going to do this anymore.  So instead of going into a dating experience, yea let's call it an "experience", picking the potential guy apart, I have gone into it with a different frame of mind.  I look at what I like.  I consider their positives and when I see a flaw that is outside of what I can tolerate, rather than drop that on the "magic list" for ways out later on down the road, I just call it a day.

It's been really, and I mean really, really, easy so far.  First, by eliminating anyone for those faults that I would use as an excuse later, I avoid that entanglement of months or more of my life wasted on someone that I just genuinely wouldn't normally be interested in.  I'm pretty proud of myself there.  Over the last 6 months, I'm so very proud that I have been successful at this.  Honestly.  My mind is far too rational normally and I can easily cut off so-called friends.  It has normally been harder for me to cut off a guy that I've talked to a couple of times until they actually do something that is on the list to me specifically.  A favorite example is when I was in Kansas I dated this guy who was from the outside looking in perfect--great job, former military, very nice looking, but I immediately knew he didn't particularly care for me to have my own opinion.  It went on the list--the other stuff wasn't on a counter list.  Nope, just the fact that he might be good for a while, but not really for anything permanent.  I know a lot of women that would've looked at him as a cash cow--he had money--and focused on that.  I already gave you what I assessed as positives, but a deal breaker, for me anyway, allowing me to have my own opinions, and guess what?  I stayed around for a bit.  Like an idiot.  But was it idiotic?  I mean when I was done with him it was pretty easy to decide that he was never going to allow me to have my own point of view on shit, cuss him out and walk away.  Of course, he would've been eliminated on the first date if I had just cut him off as soon as that flaw hit the "magic list".  So yes, it's been super, super easy to cut anyone off immediately after I realize what flaw would make the "magic list".  Buh,buh,bye.

On the other hand, there was, well is, another side to this stupid promise I made myself.  I promised to only date someone who's "viable".  Now, let's consider this shall we?  "Viable" means that I focus on their positives.  This has been pretty easy too.  All I'm doing is eliminating someone the minute they show me something that would normally go on that "magic list".  So, what exactly is "viable"?  Well, I've been telling myself that it's someone that is what I need and what I actually like.  Okay, first, not to sound like a total smart ass, but that means he actually has to be a very smart guy--not necessarily book smart or formally educated but smart.  I'm interested in all kinds of things and know a whole lot about all kinds of absolutely useless information and I need someone that likewise has that issue to some degree.  They get me.  They make up all of my best friends, male and female, and therefore, if I really want my very best friend, the one that I couldn't live without, it stands to reason that they should have this quality.  So far, congratulate me, I've only had conversations with 2 men total that have gotten passed this stage in over 6 months.  I'm thinking that's not actually half bad.  Now that's not to say that there are not more out there; there probably are that I haven't actually talked to.  I don't expect my friends to be as smart as me, but my best friends do bring this quality to the table.  So far.  Two.  This is not like walking into a strawberry patch and being able to eat myself sick that is for sure.  Hell at this rate, I actually never needed the "magic list".

Of course, the "magic list" if we are really honest didn't exist so that I could eliminate anyone.  It existed because I didn't want to be alone but long term I didn't want to be stuck with anyone that was horrible to me.  Now, well, I guess I don't really care if I'm alone per se.  So it's something that has changed in me.  I still don't want to be hurt, but the un-viable if you spend long enough with them will hurt just as bad as the viable, except the truly viable, the right person, would never hurt us intentionally.  And they certainly would realize and figure out how to make it right if they did.  The biggest problem with the un-viable is that at a certain point you just don't want them to make it right--you just want them to go away.  The biggest problem with the viable--it actually hurts when it doesn't work for whatever reason and regardless of the time invested.  With an un-viable, there's really no time invested that is going to hurt to the core.  It might hurt for a while--it might confuse you for a longer time, but your heart knows it wasn't right and your head was just forcing it.  With viable, your heart is paying no attention and is getting way too excited over what might never work.  No matter how much your mind is telling it shut the hell up, the heart is basically a moron that just jumped on your sleeve and that shit is going to hurt.  Dating an un-viable is like jumping off a cliff with a parachute, a reserve and a safety net to catch you at the bottom.  You already know how it ends before it gets started.  Dating a viable is like jumping off a cliff.  You might go splat at the bottom but your heart is already overruling your mind and you're completely fucked.  It's fly or hit the ground.

Eventually your mind can rationalize anything, but you find yourself knowing that the viable is a lot more effort, a lot more energy and a lot, and I mean a lot, more risk.  If the risk is supposed to be worth the reward, the hardest part about dating anyone that actually excites the heart is that you have absolutely no idea whether the reward is worth it.  There's no way to calculate it like when you play the stock market.  With money you know how much is there to lose when you put it up in the first place.  Of course, one thing is absolutely for sure with the heart.  There's no way of knowing if the risk is worth the reward.  The risk is there no matter what and the more often we find out what we thought was viable isn't going to work, well, I suppose the harder it is to try another viable.  It's really tempting to go back to old patterns of sabotaging myself with an un-viable candidate.  Predictability is nice.  Of course, during this stupid little experiment, the one thing I've learned is that I'd rather be alone than with un-viable.  Hooray.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Again, turn off the moron switch...

The Deplorables are so proud of themselves.  Hahaha.  I didn't like Clinton calling anyone names, but then it didn't seem to phase any of the Trump fans when he said things about people far worse.  Plus, they took it as a badge of honor.  Thing about it is that they won.  I knew one of the two sides would win, and I suppose if I was in a state that my vote could have swung it one way or the other I would have had to sit down and try and decide which was actually the lesser of two evils.  I was fortunate.  I knew my state was landing flat on Trump's side.  My vote wasn't actually going to matter.  No way Johnson could take my state.  I just wanted to send a loud clear message that those of us that were familiar with how this shit works were ready to start voting outside the two parties.  Send the message to clean up their acts.  I'm just as angry as everyone else in this country.  I viewed a Trump victory as a step backwards.  But I viewed a Clinton victory as accepting the abandonment of Americans that resulted in 4 dead.  It was a no win, no win situation.

I did think that if Clinton won, the Trump following would whine and carry on for a while.  I thought this was actually an argument for Trump to win.  If he won, they would feel vindicated and be able to move on.  A Clinton loss seemed to be the easiest way to end the arguing.  Of course, it was supposedly going to be a Clinton win.  Which looked like it would go on and on and on.  Whining that she was a criminal.  Trump screaming how it was all fixed.  Ad nauseum.  A Trump win while scary as hell would probably end the divide sooner.

Well, the hell with that.  The Trump following has been blowing up the social media, FB in particular, like its going out of style.  So glad I didn't bet $100 on my analysis above.  I'm mortified and it's just day one.  Based on what I thought if Clinton won, I'm almost willing to bet now that the gloating will go on until after Thanksgiving.  They don't know how to be gracious.  The Clinton whiners stopped as soon as you pointed it out to them.  Some, and by some I mean a lot, of the Trump voters are still posting shit now.  They don't seem to realize they won.  The worst is the ones that are working it overtime are the same asshats that posted non-stop about the election day in, day out.  They claim it's because they had to put up with the Clinton posts.  What Clinton posts?  Most of them don't know anyone that didn't vote the same way as they did.  I saw anti-Trump posts.  I have friends on that side of the fence.  Some of them got pissy with me, because during this election being in the middle meant you were on the other side.  No I was straddling that fence trying to get both sides to see how they were being used.  Likewise, my anti-Clinton friends were like piranha.  Non-stop bashing Clinton.  I bashed both.  I got yelled at for bashing either.  I got cursed at, threatened and called a slew of names.

So excuse me assholes, but it's time you stop.  ALL of you.  Clinton lost.  Trump is the President elect.  Period.  My message by voting for Johnson was simple.  We are sick of the divide in this country.  Those of us that voted that way did so because we have gone way passed being mad because the politicians don't listen or don't represent us or don't do their jobs.  The people who got into this fight got in on the tail end.  In a year, hell a couple months, it will be business as usual.  I know they don't want to hear it and God knows they probably won't believe it until a year or more goes by.  For those of us that have been disenfranchised for over 10 to 20 years, know exactly what I'm talking about.  We all knew Clinton wasn't change.  And, we all watched Trump carefully.  He looked like taking leaps backwards.  We shall see.  But those of you that are still growling after winning--I'll tell you the same thing I told Obama supporters the last two elections.  You are not helping.  You are making it worse.  You are furthering the divide that started after the Reagans left office and the political scene.  It's been downhill ever since.  And the arguing and dirty politics is now fully engulfed all of us.  Shut up already.  Shake hands.  Start pretending like you hear what the Clinton voter is saying--maybe you'll start actually listening.  Likewise, to the Clinton supporters.  They know what Trump is.  And they don't care.  But you didn't care what Clinton was.  Enough.

We have let them take our country from us.  The rich, fancy Ivy League.  The majority--more than 70% of us are middle class.  No color.  No politics.  Just the guy living next door trying to make ends meet.  Just the lady next door trying to raise her kids.  We don't live in their world and they have no idea what our world is like.  I really hope that Trump can deliver what just over 200K more people than voted for Clinton believe he can deliver.  I think it might be a pipe dream.  Trump ran on divide and it looks like that is still holding strong with a lot of those that voted for him--at least on social media.  I hope I'm wrong.  I'm hoping that he can somehow get everyone on the same page, but based on his following so far, it's going to be a very long and arduous road.