Monday, August 15, 2016

I have failed and that's why I succeed.

I have felt defeated.  Over the years, I've taken my share of hard knocks.  I have faith that God has given me no challenge that I cannot overcome, but that doesn't mean that I haven't felt like I had nowhere to go.  I have felt like it was the end of the world.  I have felt like giving up.  I have wanted to crawl under a rock and shrivel away to nothing because I thought everything was over.  I've lost almost everything that I have three times in my life.  Once because I was young and dumb.  The second time because the economy went to hell in a handbasket.  The third time because I wanted to keep a promise to my kids.  I have no regrets for that last one.  I pretty much walked away from that with a car and a motorcycle, but my one child actually got to finish high school with all his friends.  I wish I could have done that for all 3 boys, but sometimes life just doesn't give you what you want.  I tried.  

So when someone sits there wallowing away in their own failures, I do not get it.  Some things we bring on ourselves by our actions, but others we bring on ourselves by own inactions.  Maybe it's the stubborn Granddaddy or Daddy that I had that instilled that pick yourself off the ground and try again.  Maybe it's a little bit of the military in me--adapt and overcome, over, under, around or straight through.  I've wanted to quit.  I was failing thermodynamics and I wanted to change majors from mechanical engineering to electrical.  I had to take 4 electrical classes because I was specializing in mechatronics.  As a former electrical technician, I was aceing the classes without even attending class.  While thermo had me feeling like a total failure--what the hell is entropy?  "Energy created"?  Everyone that knows basic physics knows energy is neither destroyed or created.  It just changes form.  I was so frustrated that I wanted to give up on the whole dream of finishing my mechanical engineering degree.  I went to the undergrad coordinator for mechanical engineering, one of my mentors, with a change major request in hand.  All I needed was his signature.  He looked it over, looked up at me, said "no" and slid the paper back at me.  What?  Did he not hear me explain how thermo was kicking my ass?  I was failing.  Yes, he had heard me and his answer was still no.  Ugh.   He simply explained to me that he had straight A students that didn't "get" the mechanics like I did and he wasn't going to let me give up.  I'd have to take the class over, in his mind I'd ace it the second time around, and that was the end of the discussion.  So...yes, I took it the second time and yes, I did ace the class.  So the overall grade averaged to a C.  By the way, for those that are even curious, energy isn't created or destroyed.  That whole entropy thing is energy that we cannot account for that is lost to the universe (or "created" to the universe to do whatever it wants to with).  The point is that either way, I wasn't wallowing away in my failure.  I had adapted and figured out another way to skin the cat.  My mentor actually had a better way for me to skin the cat.  But I wasn't quitting either way.  I'm glad he convinced me, or forced me, to not quit his way.  Mine would have probably sucked, because I love the mechanical engineering part of my job the most.

Of course, sometimes there's no one to pull you up but you.  I thought I was going to die when my ex cheated on me when I was pregnant.  But I found what was more important to me--my babies.  Sometimes it's about finding that one thing that motivates you to do better.  No matter what providing for my boys was always one of the top things on my list and no matter what went wrong in my life being there for them trumped all.  I can't understand how anyone brings a life into this world and somehow loses the ability or doesn't develop the ability to be there through thick, thin, hurricane and sunshine for their children.  I tend to believe there is a special place in hell or a lower life form since I believe in reincarnation for people like that.  You cannot create a life and not try your best to be there for them.  It's just not right in so many ways, and that sense of responsibility to them can help someone pull themselves back up and do what they've got to do.  When the economy tanked, I needed to make drastic sacrifices--either move or drive at least 1.5 hours each way to work.  I eventually ended up with the best option that I had at the time and I'm grateful for that.    

But honestly, the hardest pulling yourself up is when it's just on you.  Finding something to motivate you when you think there's nothing to motivate you.  Sometimes that motivation just has to come from inside you.  The hardest thing for most people to achieve is believing in themselves, but if you don't believe in you, how do you expect other people to?  I watch people that wallow away in their own crap all the time.  They settle for just getting by but they aren't happy but they convince themselves that at least they aren't miserable.  Of course, I'd argue if you aren't actually happy with your life as a whole, then you actually are miserable.  You just won't admit it.  Oh, I know. It's easier to fool ourselves into believing we aren't failing by not even trying.  But not trying is failing.  You know I'm right.  When you stop trying to be a better you, give up on your goals, have no goals, no aspirations you basically put yourself in that drowning hole where you leave yourself with nothing to hope for and nothing for you.  The saddest part about this is that you just sink and sink and sink.  The longer you wallow, the harder it becomes to get out of it.  It's not like a vicious circle--it's like being on a sinking ship.  Eventually you lose you and if that happens, it will feel like it's impossible to get back to you.  It's like climbing Mount Everest, and the irony is you have no one to blame but yourself. 

Sure.  Divorce, a failed business, a failed job, a health issue, there are just so many things that can put you in that unsure of yourself position.  Believe it or not, we all have them, but how long you wallow is on you.  How long you let it drag you down is on you.  Of course, we all need a little recovery time--time to lick our wounds and recover.  Time to get to the point that we light the bunson burner under our butts and get started doing the things that make us feel proud of ourselves, like we are accomplishing something, give us something to feel good about ourselves.  I've wallowed.  About 3 months normally.  To adlib something that Michael Jordan said, "I have failed and that's why I succeed."  My failures are learning experiences and each of them have made me who I am today.  And they have ultimately become the reason that I have succeeded.  Failures shouldn't be your reason for giving up.  They should be your reason to reevaluate where you are, where you want to be, and ironically, they are the reasons that you become a better you and get where you ultimately actually belong.   

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Make American Sane Again...and other awesome considerations....

Let's face it.  We all knew when a reality TV star who was fired from his "you're fired" job that the current election would probably be totally outside of the scope of the norm.  For some reason since the Reagans left the political scene, the Republican party began a trip down splinters-ville, and eventually created the fiasco we see now.  The Republican party has lacked solid leadership for over 20 years and the fact a reality television clown is the nominee is proof.  It's just completely baffling--well, no, not really.  Every time that I heard someone saying they were voting for him, a good half when asked, would say they had never voted in an election, let alone a primary.  At first glance, it seemed amazing.  Then as we watched the Republican primary unfold it became apparent that the people voting for him were really just angry and eating up the anger he was expressing.  I didn't make a lot of friends calling this out very early on--as early as July 2015.  He just had no substance.  Anger is not substance.  It's entertaining though, and admittedly I thought it was hilarious that he actually thought he could be nominated, let alone become President.  

On the other side of the fence, the "Stand By Your Man" sell out to be a Senator, the Secretary of State, and now, ugh, running for President.  The division in the Democratic Party was not as noticeable with the Tea Party, the Pro-Lifers, the Moderates desperately trying to keep the Republican party from going off the deep end, but now, with the Bernie Sanders fiasco where the DNC literally screwed him over so badly that even Sanders' supporters are still choking on their Starbucks after he endorsed the biggest liar in the history of any Presidential candidate, it's apparent the division show of the last 20 years has taken a toll on the DNC also.  The fact this woman abandoned an American ambassador and embassy Americans to die is simply amazing.  My favorite quote from the bitch just this week, "When you run for President you need to be judged by what you have done..."  Of course, that was about her Republican opponent and his lack of making any jobs here in the USA.  Yet, the exact same words can be used over and over and over against her.  

Sigh.  Where does that leave us?  "The lesser of two evils" I've been told over and over.  In this bi-party race, there is no lesser of the two evils.  Clintrump are both heinous jackasses that are not qualified for the job of President of the United States.  She couldn't do the job of Secretary of State and she lies so much that no one can actually believe her.  It's a flip of a coin with this woman.  On the other side, well, he's insane.  No one in their right mind tanks their own opportunity to gain in the polls to draw more negative attention on himself when the negatives about the DNC and them falling apart in light of the things they did to Sanders could have resulted in great gains for him and the GOP.  No, his ego is so friggin big he couldn't stand not having the spotlight for 36 hours.  Hell, he didn't make it even 5.  And as a result, the lying bitch has taken double digit leads in all the polls and most of the states that will be deciding factors in the election.  I've always accused him of trying to tank the GOP to ensure his butt buddy's wife becomes President.  Well, either I've been right all along or the asshat is totally crazy and unstable as hell.  Honestly, neither Clintrump appeal to me.  For the first time since I became old enough to cast my vote, I was contemplating abstaining.  

A good friend of mine read my woes as I posted them on Facebook.  I could never vote for a dumbass like Trump.  I could never vote for lying bitch like Clinton.  He prodded me to look at Governor Johnson and his running mate, Governor Weld.  Libertarians.  I automatically said no.  Not just no, hell no.  I still remember Perot and Ron Paul.  Both were like fringe nuts.  Pass.  Trust me, just look, he kept prodding.  Oh hell, I finally thought, what have I got to lose?  So I went and looked.  And then looked some more.  Then watched the first CNN Town Hall with Johnson and Weld.  I was in, completely in.  Now, let me be clear, I do not actually agree with Johnson and Weld on everything, but unlike the two major parties I don't have to.  Johnson and Weld promise compromise.  They promise to hire the best and brightest from the Libertarians, the Democrats and the Republicans to finally get our country pulled back together and get Washington doing what they are supposed to be doing--the jobs we voted them into.  

Oh sure, you might think.  Yet, their records, both, speak for themselves.  They made promises in their campaigns for governors of New Mexico and Massachusetts.  The amazing part is that they kept their promises.  WHAT?!?!  Yes, they kept their promises.  They did what they said they would.  They reduced government, reduced taxes AND improved their states' infrastructures.  We have always been told that wasn't possible.  And yet, here are two men that not only said it was possible--they proved it.  They are both fairly soft spoken.  It's a stark contrast to the full of themselves Clintrump.  As they put it, they are "fiscally conservative" and "socially liberal".  And they proved that you can be both in New Mexico and Massachusetts.    

The funny thing is that the Ds and Rs have been telling us for over 20 years that isn't possible.  They've spent a lot of time with the us versus them mentality, and we, we the American public, are just as much to blame for buying into the bullshit.  We are all different but we are all American.  We all have different ideas, different experiences, different families, different friends, different jobs, different churches and different faiths, different minds.  Yet we are all American.  We all want the American dream.  We have more in common than we think.  We all want our children to have better opportunities.  We all want peace.  We all want a balanced budgets, less taxes, and our freedoms.  We have let the R & D show make us believe we are this or that--not this, that and everything in between.  They throw smaller issues that they know will polarize us--emotionally charged arguments that have no solution, but allow the R&D show to play slight of hand like a magician.  We ooooo and aahhhh and then point fingers at each other, like there is only one side or the other.  But that's not even remotely true, is it?  We are--this, that and everything in between.  It's what made us the most powerful nation in the world.  Being all different and yet all one--the one is that we are American. 

We need someone to unite us, to end the gridlock in Washington, and give us what we really need.  Cut taxes, term limits so that the bureaucracy doesn't grow and grow and grow and eat us alive, balance the budget so that we can actually get rid of the deficit.  Sure we want immigration reform, but the reality is that the government has plenty of immigration laws and rules--they just don't follow them.  It's just another slight of hand trick.  Yes, we worry about ISIS and the security of our country.  In the recent months, it's becoming obvious that Europe is just as big of a target as we are--even more so.  But do we need a hot head who goes from appearing rational to crazy in a matter of less than 5 hours?  Or a lying bitch who abandoned Americans?  We need real leadership.  Proven leadership.  Unlike the crazy train and the liar's bus, we want someone we can trust what they say and trust they will actually do their best for us--for our great country...not themselves.  We can't say that about Clintrump.  

Governors Johnson and Weld are not like the Libertarians of the past.  They are not the fringe.  I would argue that the R&D show got so caught up in their own games that they are now the fringe.  Most Americans want sane.  Take a look at Johnson and Weld.  Go watch the two CNN Town Hall specials with them on YouTube.  If after watching one, an hour and twenty of your time and you still want to vote for the Clintrump, then at least you do so with a clear conscience that you considered all your options.  I'm betting you might jump off the Clintrump roller coaster ride and join those of us that have decided it's time to make America sane again.     

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Done with that box or any other box for that matter....

Over the years, the most emotionally abusive men that have been in my life are always the ones that are constantly wanting to be back in my life.  Of course, every single guy I've ever dated has come back wanting at least attention--which I don't know about what most women think of this since I can't be the only one this happens to, but yea, fuck off.  Excuse the language, but really.  Don't get me wrong.  Any wrong turns that I have taken--well, yes that's on me.  I'm sure God or fate had some reasoning to get me where I am now.  But truth?  I don't need a damn meme to tell me that going backwards is a dumbass move.  Asking me if I ever loved someone is kind of stupid too.  If I dated someone, on some level at the time, yes, I did.  But that doesn't mean I have a wish to spend the rest of my life as anyone's doormat.  The problem with saying I'm not doing this whole wash, rinse, repeat cycle is that I have to seriously look at what was wrong with my previous choices and what the hell is wrong with me.  So I know what's wrong with my previous choices--laundry list, remember?  I always know what's wrong with them before I even get into it.  The problem is that I have to admit that I also allow them to treat me like a damn doormat eventually.  Why?  Well, that's the question now isn't it?

For one, most people that don't really know me very well assume that isn't possible.  That's because I'm extroverted and I'll share my opinion and thoughts fairly freely.  I don't judge people for their opinions and therefore I don't see any reason to keep my opinions to myself.  I do realize that a majority of people judge people with different opinions as "not their people".  Welcome to the world we live in.  But, the more shallow the person the quicker they are to assume that because I am not afraid to share my opinions or knowledge.  That is who I am.  It's a drop in the bucket of who I am.  For the people that know me the best, I'm usually leery to take the lead.  I can lead, when I need to.  I just really enjoy not having to think about it.  I've always had a lot of responsibilities--at least since my early 20s.  So most of the time I'm dating someone I just follow their lead.  After a while, if they start to control and start shoving me in their box, well, sooner or later, I'm out.  I don't like to play games and I'm not going to take someone's shit for months and months just because he's figured out that I'm not actually demanding at all.  

My closest friends tell me all the time, especially when I'm dating someone, that I need to stand up for myself.  I need to put my "foot down".  I need to define limits early on or I'm going to end up being treated like crap.  Well, that is partially true.  But it's really two fold, right?  Most of the guys I've dated I already know aren't a good choice.  The ones that have been a good choice--okay, yes, there's been a couple.  Yea, they still had issues, but was it a laundry list?  Not sure.  There's a couple that I'm still friends with that just had their issues and we just didn't "fit".  But for the rest, yes, I became a doormat.  They treated me like I had to do what they wanted, when they wanted.  They would bitch about my friends and try to cut me off from them.  Some of them they had valid points, but then they would use that to try to cut me off from the friends that they had no valid points to cut me off.  They just were control freaks who started to treat me like property.  Fuck that.  Excuse the language again.  Sailor mouth is really in a mood today.  Is it my own fault?  Sure to some degree.  I gave them the impression I was okay being treated like that because I'm not demanding.  I just wasn't raised to be some demanding mean girl bitch.  

So, I tend to just follow my man's, when I have one, I just tend to follow his lead.  It's not a whole lot of skin off my back--until they start trying to make it impossible for me to have my friends, my own life, my hobbies, accomplish things that I want to accomplish.  My youngest's sperm donor is a great example.  He and his father tried to pressure me over and over to not finish my degree.  Yet, that wasn't why I left his ass in the dust--it was because there wasn't a single honest word that ever came out of his mouth and when I realized that I was out.  Bam.  I tend to let the guy I date put me in a damn box and why in the hell have I been doing that with anyone that I already have a laundry list of stuff that I want nothing to do with? 

Probably because I know I'm not staying in that box very long.  I just can't do it.  I start to feel stifled, smothered, like I can't breath.  I start to introvert and that's just not who I am.  And then, I'm angry and trying to swallow it.  Well, at that point, it's just a matter of time.  Amazingly, when I get to that point that I'm done, I'm silent.  I've got no anger at all.  Could friggin care less.  Yes, call it cold bitch, but no not cold hearted bitch.  I'm not wishing anything bad on anyone I've ever dated.  I've just got no use for someone that didn't respect me when they had me and then want me back when I've had enough.  I always have given second chances, hell sometimes even a third or fourth, but when enough is enough, enough is enough.  

So how do I work out this wash, rinse, repeat when I know I have this issue where I start to get treated like a doormat because I don't put my proverbial foot down?  I don't know.  I know I can put it down when I'm done and an ex boyfriend is finding that out right now.  But how do I define limits that I have literally never thought I should have to with someone that I don't even know it's ever going there in the first place?  I keep saying the right guy will have to figure me out.  Well, the right guy wouldn't take advantage of a mush ball.  My Granddaddy wasn't perfect--Grams and he went through hell a time or two and then some, truth be told.  My Daddy and mother on the other hand, until she got sick, got on really well.  There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect man, or woman for that matter.  But I've seen good and great relationships and I know damn well they don't look like me being shoved in a little box and controlled and miserable.  I'm just not sure that I don't have to learn to put limits on how I'm going to be treated or not treated early on.  I shouldn't have to.  It doesn't seem like that would be the right relationship then.  But I guess the best thing to do when I don't like that someone doesn't seem or appear to be treating me with respect, then it's time to bail immediately.  I'm too easy going in a relationship and I'm not going to be someone's doormat--whether it's because I'm too smart, too smart ass or in reality too easy going and they think that's a free for all to treat me like shit. Done with that box.     

Monday, July 18, 2016

Not ready for the right person or not interested in being with the wrong person....

The downside to having an hour drive to work and an hour drive back is that it's plenty of time to think.  The upside to having an hour drive to work and back is that it's plenty of time to think.  Still didn't help my writer's block when I got home.  I couldn't get my thoughts straight.  I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday, and I tell people all the time that I don't "want" a relationship or I'm not ready.  Is that my wash, rinse, repeat?  Kind of caught myself off guard this morning when I asked myself that.  The drive into work wasn't near as fun.  I usually actually enjoy the drive.  The drive back from work wasn't as frustrating.  I was preoccupied with the question.  I thought when I get home I'll write, ok type, it all down and I'll work out the answer.  Nothing.  That's not usually how this works.  The blog comes as my brain starts to filter through everything, not while it's all still in jumbles.  So the jumbles are starting to filter.  

Is it?  Wash, rinse, repeat?  If it is, which section.  Wash, dating and dumping.  Rinse, no dating at all.  Repeat, that's jumping back in to something I don't really want.  I'm not in repeat mode.  I have absolutely no interest in anyone that is not viable right now.  YAY me.  Wash.  No, not that.  Rinse.  Oh shit.  Maybe.  My favorite answer during the rinse cycle is to say I don't want a relationship or not ready for one.  Damn it.  That's not really true though, is it?  Well, sort of.  I'm not wanting another worthless relationship that has zero potential.  No more laundry lists.  So, why am I still saying that?  I'm saying it because of habit.  I'm used to being very guarded and it's a solid proven way to protect myself.  Of course, in my defense, the whole reason to say it is because I have a tendency to attract guys that aren't smart enough, aren't smart ass enough, don't get my sense of humor, who get intimidated by the fact for the most part that I have my shit together.  And during the rinse cycle, I don't want any of them in my life.  They are controlling, manipulative, less than honest and annoying.  So what if I say it to anyone that might ideally want more that might be very viable? 

Well, my closest friends have all pointed out that I need someone smart enough that gets my sarcastic sense of humor and who I can admire.  Someone who is proud of how smart I am and someone I can be proud of.  Someone who can get the better of me when I'm frustrated and make me laugh.  Am I ready for that?  Well, that's the thing.  I think we all are.  We get to the point where we aren't ready for the "wrong" thing anymore and that can be daunting.  I'm not willing to be with the wrong person ever again.  But the right one?  Well, truth is, yes, I think I am.  It doesn't mean I want to be in an instant relationship like instant oatmeal or grits.  But the right person?  The right guy?  Yes, it might be very difficult for me, but I've made up my mind that the right guy deserves to be treated like gold and deserves me to be all in.  I deserve to be treated like gold too and I deserve to have the guy that is all in.  

Of course, that's a lot for me to say.  The majority of guys I have dated have defined "all in" as up my *ss breathing for me.  I need to be able to have my friends, my boys, my job, my own space.  I have a life and he needs to have a life.  I want to share my life, not have it smothered by a control freak.  Still the "right" guy, the lightening strike, the unicorn, would not be that way, and I know this.  So I just need to pay attention.  So I'm not in rinse cycle, so much as simply saying that I don't want to date just anyone.  The right guy, yes, I'm technically ready.  The wrong guy, well, no, I'll never be ready again for the wrong guy.  I don't need filler space. 

Have I met the right guy?  I said it before that the right guy would probably have to figure me out not the other way around.  I have a terrible habit of second guessing myself.  I don't talk about it with my friends in the normal way.  If it's someone that I think is truly amazing, I'm more likely to keep it to only my closest friends.  Might have something to do with recently finding out a couple of people I thought were good friends were nothing but lying backstabbing gossips.  I'd probably tell him--that probably is stupid. That may be me second guessing myself.  I tend to think if it's the right guy all the things that might be wrong with anyone else would be right just because he'd realize that I'm basically a mush ball in an overwrapped package.  

But no more saying that I'm not ready.  I am technically ready for the right guy.  I'm no longer going to say that I'm not ready or don't want a relationship.  Of course, I do and I'm ready for the right person.  I'm not interested in the being with the wrong person and from now on that's what I'm going to say.    

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

“We need to make America sane again.“

I'm still amazed by the people that keep saying that they want change but then keep doing the same thing over and over.  Sometimes they are talking about their lives in general.  I mean, even I have done it, albeit admittedly I did it more subconsciously than consciously.  It's hard to make a change in our own lives, so I suppose anyone claiming they want change must overcome subconscious developed responses.  In the case of the current election, I listen to people who have been wanting change, who are completely disenfranchised and looking to anything different.  Yet, the different that they are looking at is just more of the same.  Some of them see it but just believe that it's now a question of the lesser of two evils.  Some, and I'm completely blown away by them, really believe that Trump or Clinton are not the same.  Two people that benefited most by the corruption that all of us are sick of cannot possibly want change.  It's a big joke.  Yet, it seems like these people are so pre-programmed to believe in a two party system, they cannot start to see the bigger picture.

First, neither Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton have any leadership skills.  Clinton has proven over and over that she will fall in line with the establishment--whether kissing her husband's ass when consistently caught cheating, to the Tammy Faye Baker routine of stand by her man so that she could become a Senator, or getting on board with abandoning Americans in Benghazi.  Leadership is not her strong suit.  Cowardice and taking the easy way out is.  Donald Trump is the epitome of the worst that the United States has created over the years.  A spoiled rich brat, who brags consistently about his sexual conquests, and has multiple times taken advantage of all the corruption that all of us average joes are sick of.  There's no way either of these people give a shit about any of the average Americans.  I'd even go so far as to say that neither of them have any intention of making American great again for the average person here, because, well, bluntly, neither of these asshats has ever been the average American.  They are people who have always stepped on the average of us to get what they want.

So fine, most people will concede this.  Democrats wanted change but the establishment was and is behind Clinton.  Republicans wanted change but they have Bozo the Clown as their presumptive nominee.  It's the lesser of two evils.  I'm really sick of the "lesser of two evils" bullsh*t.  Why would I vote for either?  Why would I and every other American sick of the corruption, deceit, and money-power hungry grubbing sell-outs vote for either of them?  The Dems argue that at least Clinton is going to maintain status quo.  I'm sick of status quo.  Screw your status quo.  That is the establishment that I am sick of.  The same status quo that the Clintons and Trump have used to their advantages for decades.  The Republicans argued amongst themselves because Trump is a clown.  Oh come on.  Seriously.  Screaming on stage?  Inciting people to physically assault others?  That ridiculous haircut?  Or the bright orange fake tan skin?  All he needs is a Fiat 500 and a 100 of his wife's Russian mob whore girlfriends to pop out of it all at once and we will have the epitome of "three ring circus".

Everyone will agree that we need real leadership.  We can all agree that we need a President that can help lead the United States, NATO and make sure that we are taking care of ours and our Allies.  Clinton already proved that isn't going to happen with her as the Secretary of State.  She failed at Benghazi, and that failure is a reflection of what would be her term as President.  Trump is such an idiot that doesn't know when to shut the hell up--just during this election--he was barred from going to several countries because of his racist comments.  He literally has lost interests in Arabic countries because they told him he could no longer operate in those countries.  The UK refused to let him have a visa to come into their country even though he had a court case in Scotland.  Trump's basically Yosomite Sam--friggin' hilarious and all dumbass--and yet, some people hate Clinton so much that they would vote this idiot into office.

What choice do we have?  That's just it.  We actually do.  Governor Gary Johnson running as a Libertarian.  Governor Johnson was a two term Republican governor of a blue (liberal) state.  Much like Reagan was.  He won't invoke the Reagan name, but I will.  He took over a state, New Mexico, that had some financial issues.  Not as much as California did when Reagan became governor there, but nonetheless, like Reagan, Johnson helped resolve the issues at hand.  He understood, and therefore still understands, the need to build bridges and get the job done.  Most important to someone like me is he believes in the Constitution as written, not as twisted in interpretation.

What Gary Johnson stands for in a nutshell:

1.  He's going to sign anything that reduces taxes.  For the average American this is huge.  He
actually is a proponent for consumptive tax--which means you don't get penalized for making more money.  Anyone that has worked overtime knows that the more you make, the less you get.  Johnson opposes this method of taxation.  It's not the ideal plan either, since the less money you have the tax burden would be based on your consumption (buying).  But number 2, could be a huge tax influx for the US economy.

2.  He's for legalized marijuana.  Colorado is the second state in the union to start paying its residents to live there.  A legalized marijuana for the United States could reduce the average American's tax burden by 50%.

3.  He believes that government should have a mandatory requirement for a balanced budget and that we should not be borrowing money to add new and ridiculous pork bellies for the politicians.  The establishment just voting in themselves a raise to their pensions.  Seriously.  This is bullsh*t.  We can't afford our bills as a country then we cannot afford to borrow to pay their pensions and other pork bellies.

4.  He's for environmental prudence.  As we've expanded, we know that some companies and people are greedy as hell.  Trump and the Clintons for example.  They don't care what they leave for our kids and grandkids.  Here's a man who does.

5.  He believes in a strict conservative interpretation of the Constitution--which means:
a.  While he is pro-life himself, Freedom of Religion means it's a mother's private decision.
b.  Gun rights are protected by the Right to Bear Arms.
c.  Our 5th and 6th Amendment rights are not to be trampled on by the NSA, TSA, FBI or other government agencies.

6.  On immigration, he believes in a mix of what the two extremes of the establishment believe.  We need to secure our public safety, but that the number of legal immigrants allowed into this country each year needs to be based on the free market.  It sounds complicated, but it's not.  We don't allow that many people into the US as the establishment right wing would make you think.  We aren't on a free for all of illegals either.  It's a smoke and mirrors thing the establishment uses to keep us off the real issues.  Johnson has their number and he has real interest in resolving the problems.  That's what makes him special.

7.  Johnson backs TERM LIMITS.  Nothing else needs to be said here.  We all want this.

8.  Overseas, terrorism...Governor Johnson believes that we need to move decisively and respond to threats appropriately--not cowering and not a raging blow hard response, but responses designed to secure our country and our Allies.  He believes the end goal is to neutralize the extremist groups.

9.  He opposes mandatory minimum sentences and believes that incarceration in this country needs a solid overhaul.

10.  He believes the "benefits" of Federal mandates in education have been more costly and the benefits have not been worth the cost.  He doesn't believe there is a role for the Federal government in education.

11.  He doesn't believe that the government should have free access to our computers or cell phones.  Again, as a strict Constitutionalist, from his point of view, our 5th and 6th Amendment rights should not be violated.

12.  CREATING JOBS?  He's not a blow hard saying stuff that isn't believable like we'll just stop trade with China (ripe when it comes from someone that actually manufactures everything he sells in China and Mexico).   No, what Johnson believes is that we have one of the largest workforces in the world that is educated to a high school level or higher overall.  If we cut taxes and we encourage free trade, companies will bring their businesses back from overseas and create jobs.  Most companies have left the USA for tax haven countries.  If we are one of these tax friendly countries, then they will be here, employing Americans.

Fine.  You still want the establishment.  Just don't say it wasn't because there wasn't a better alternative or no other choice or just a choice between two evils.  There is a far more reasonable and viable alternative.  One of true leadership.  As Governor Johnson said, "We need to make America sane again."  Amen.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Only without the "squishy" splatty noise....

Trebuchet is the name of this font.  I kind of like the irony of that.  A sling shot style weapon of medieval times.  So it's fitting if this is going to be the third blog in line with this somewhat ridiculous challenge I've just challenged myself with.   Oh, yes, of course, I could blame my friend for even bringing it up.  But she's not going to have the ability to "make" me do anything.  I'm pretty damn ornery when it comes down to it and no one has ever "made" me do anything.  Okay, so I'm trying to remember how this plays out when I do meet anyone '"viable".  Ummm, and that's where I hit the brick wall.  I'm such an oddity of my own right, well, this isn't going to be something that I'll be able to get practice.  Since my divorce went final in 1996, I've met a grand total of 5 possible "viable" guys, dated one for a short period of time, dated one with my typical cycle (although I do think that just happens to be coincidence), and the other 3 I managed to turn into non-starters right off the bat.  That means I meet one an average of every 4 years.  That probably means practice is not going to be the solution.  Normally, I say "damn" with a sh*t eating grin on my face and never worry about it again.  Wash, rinse, repeat. But, I always try to keep my word, and as I've stated in a way older blog about something completely unrelated, keeping your word to yourself is the only way you can keep your word to others.  I was raised to be a person of your word--do as you say and say what you're going to do.

Alright.  I've got to say it.  Damn it.  I cut myself raw open in the first of these blogs, and unfortunately, I don't have the ability to do that here with this, and I don't have any friends that are even going to remotely going to understand what happens.  One of them and I talked about it and I know she didn't understand at all.  She just tried to listen.  But there's a reason that I'm lucky I'm such a unique type of person.  I just don't have to deal with this often enough to worry about it--excepting that stupid promise to myself that I wasn't going to bail on the viable anymore.  Sigh.  Not sure how that's going to work.  

Then again, let's face it.  I still am of the frame of mind what's meant to be will be no matter what you do.  Two of the most screwed up people I know are literally perfect for each other.  One had just got out of a long term relationship and he meets this woman and bam.  He marries her 3 months later and everyone thought it was insane.  It was like a year before I moved back to SC.  They're still together.  So who knows?  I think it just works itself out somehow.  

Probably the guy would have to figure out how it would work with me.  I'm not paying attention most of the time.  When someone says that guy over there is checking you out, I'm always like "uh, who?"  Yea, I notice everything else.  I'm pretty sure that's part of my defense mechanism.  The other night someone said to me "you just need to stop looking".  God this always annoys the hell out of me.  I'm never looking.   Ever.  You don't f***ing know me.  I'm never looking and all my closest friends know this.  I'm completely oblivious.  Sure, I joined a dating site again.  Ugh.  You should see the losers that are online and half of the women on those dating sites must be the biggest whores because even on one that is supposed to be innocuous, I've received some pretty rude emails.  Don't get me wrong I can be pretty crass; I'm a sailor afterall.  But give me a break.  I don't know you and HELL NO my dress is not going to look good on your floor or any floor that you will ever step on.  Ewwww.  Let's face it if I was actually looking for perfect for me, I would not be spending what free time I have riding around on my motorcycle with friends that are mostly couples.  Duh.  Where am I looking?  Nowhere.  The places we go have the same people over and over.  Is there somebody in the biker circle?  I have no idea.  But again, I'm such an oddity.  One every 4 years average.  

Okay.  So wash, rinse, repeat is starting to sound good again.  Sigh.  I know what my closest friends would say. And I made a promise to myself.  No more wash, rinse, repeat.  Cripes.  That's going to be harder than I thought.  It's not like I can take that boulder and just fling it off into the distance with a trebuchet.  If odds are any indication, this is not going to be easy.   I'd make an inappropriate joke at this point, but most of you really don't know me and I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression.  So here goes nothing:  there goes the wash, rinse, repeat cycle--kind of like launching a squash at the World Champion Pumpkin Chunkin.  Only without the "squishy" splatty noise.  

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Put your big girl panties on and do what you know you gotta do....

So, my blog is usually about me.  It's always about me, but I often cover things that help others.  That makes me feel pretty good when that happens.  My last blog was pretty much me cutting myself wide open and laying it out there about something I've dealt with, or ignored, for years.  As a combat arena (not actual combat for clarification) veteran, I can promise you when they tell you PTSD is different for everyone--although there are always some similarities--it is.  Why is it different for each of us?  Because PTSD does something that no other disorder does.  It's not just about what caused the PTSD.  It's also about every single bag of emotional crap that you had before you came in.  The PTSD door is one way, and once you've gone through it, even the most trivial emotional baggage can become overwhelming.  I'll have to admit that I thought about jerking that previous blog down, and then I saw the number of readers.  It must have meant something to get that many readers this time.  It even got shared by someone.  So even though it was a total exposure of my worst problem, it was also meaningful to what someone else might be experiencing.  I couldn't pull it down.

When I walked through that PTSD door and it slammed behind me, I had no idea that I had even walked through it.  PTSD from my understanding then was from actual combat.  My girlfriend that was a hospital corpsman (medic) that was in Kuwait City when it came under seige--she had PTSD.  I just had bad memories.  Her PTSD was totally different than mine, so I couldn't have PTSD.  Hers was different for two reasons--she had a totally different life than me before it and I had a totally different life than her before it.  Almost all PTSD veterans report some amount of fear of abandonment, but not always for the same reasons.  Some may be too afraid of being judged--very common actually.  Some like me, came in with a fear of abandonment.  I was married to a cheating idiot and my mother was gone by the time I was 9.  Being married to that idiot while I was deployed was very, very unhelpful.  If I had a normal relationship, like my girlfriend did, just losing my mother might not have been amplified.  I had long accepted that she was gone.  Probably why, after going through that door, it was now women that I could have more solid bonds.  My mother for all of the faults I like to joke about, like Green Eggs and Ham, was a wonderful woman.  My Grams had been my rock.  The closest relationships I have developed since that door have always been with girlfriends.  I'm reluctant to develop any of my male friends to the point of being "family".  So the fear of abandonment isn't about my mother.  In fact, when I went through counseling, my mother was rarely part of the conversation.  It became a non-starter pretty fast.  But Daddy issues?  I was Daddy's little girl.  I was kind of spoiled rotten.  But ok, maybe a little--Daddy had remarried and it wasn't good on me but I had been 12.  Yet, Daddy and I had started to develop a very tight and solid relationship again while I was in counseling.  It also became a non-starter.  My father and I were like two peas in pod sometimes and I think he liked that I was a lot like my mother.  So, I don't sound like the ideal abandonment case.  My girlfriend actually had a very estranged relationship with her family.  If anyone should have walked through that door with mommy and daddy issues, she would've been a prime candidate.

So where does this fear of abandonment come from?  My friend didn't have it.  She had a solid relationship.  He was there for her before the darkness came and he stood strong beside her though the darkness.  She had no fear of abandonment at all.  I, on the other hand, probably suffer from an abandonment disorder now.  I usually have nothing bad to say about my ex.  It's not his fault, but yes, actually it was.  Don't get me wrong, shit happens.  You're supposed to suck it up like a buttercup and move on.  And I did.  I threw him out the door so fast it made everybody's head spin.  My best friends tried to tell me to slow down, breath, think.  Hell no, I had made up my mind.  He'd been cheating before we even got married.  Out the damn door was the best answer.  Then reject everyone that came through my door after a while.  That became my solution.  Prior to my ex, I was just not interested in getting serious with anyone--I had plans, I had goals, and nothing--let alone someone--was going to get in the middle of that.  With my ex, well, he was one of my best buddies--I'd say friends, but I'm not sure about that anymore.  Our other friends joked that he followed me around like a puppy.  I don't remember it that way.  He gaffed off dates to hang out with the group, but one of our mutual friends back then was quick to point out only if I was going to be around.  I don't remember anyone before that always putting me first.  It actually made me feel special.  I remember that feeling when I look at pictures of us before we were dating.  I also remember my Granddaddy always protecting my Grams.  In social settings, letting her flutter off on her own and then checking on her to make sure she was fine periodically.  And God forbid if anyone messed with her, Granddaddy was 6'5".  Grams was only 5'2".  You messed with Grams and he was going to be there ready to knock you across the room.  That is how my ex made me feel before we started dating, and that's what had won me over.  (Sure we could go into what his issues were--find justifications, excuses and some might even be valid, but those are his problems not mine.)

So, he went from being my great protector to being a horrible, unsupportive, cheating jerk who literally never had my back.  It was pretty bad when one of his friends, a guy who wasn't that fond of me, told me point blank that he didn't deserve me.  He wasn't trying to get with me--he had a solid relationship at the time.  But he had gotten to know me by then, and he just said that there was no way he was going to do right by me.  I found out later that conversation coincided with the first time my ex cheated on me--before we were even married.  Why even marry me?  Well, because I was like his mom and he was like his dad.  The difference is his mom was raised divorce was not an option and I was raised by Granddaddy to show his ass to the door.

So I'm trying now, to focus on the healthy examples that I have, and I've made myself a promise no more "unviables".  No one is perfect, but I never said I was looking for perfection.  I always was looking for just perfect for me.  In our hearts we know what that is when we meet it even it scares the hell out of us.  But no more, well, I don't like this, this is a bad thing, or whatever.  If it's easy to come up with the laundry list of why I shouldn't date him, I shouldn't be dating him.  That's my wash, rinse, repeat cycle starting back up.  No more.  My Granddaddy wasn't perfect, but the things that were right about him--well, everything that was right was always the person he was around me.  My father had a temper from hell (I come by it honest), but my father was educated, smart, hilarious, and a damn good man.  Never judged anyone and treated everyone equal.  That was one of the same qualities he and my Granddaddy had, and probably one of the reasons my mother was smitten.  It's time for me to start being less afraid and a lot more, as a friend put it, smarter than that.  So it might take practice.  Like I said in the previous blog, I can barely hold it together when I meet someone viable.  All those emotions can come flooding back--the flashback of how I felt in Turkey, how I felt on those phone calls, and then the anger when I got home that protected what was left.  It's not easy to control.  But it's time I try and learn to cope with that too.