Have you ever wondered what makes the perfect relationship? Yea, me too. It's like patches of clover in my yard. I've seen other people successfully pick four leaf clovers out of the clover, so I know they are there. But damned if I can find one. I could stand there all day looking and that "perfect" relationship is about as hard for me to find as that damn fourth leaf. Admittedly, I really haven't tried very hard to find either. I have the attention span of a gnat. I've got better things to do than hunt through clover. Likewise, I typically have a lot of far more interesting things to do than wait on a man to find me or me to find a man. So it's probably no surprise that anyone I've dated has usually hit on me first, been the one showing the initial interest, and then me doing one of two things--showing interest or not. More often, not.
For my friends that have known me for years, they will point out that I probably have a tendency to jump ship as soon as possible. First sign of bad weather and I'm steering the rudder in the direction of calmer seas. It's not that I can't handle a storm; I've been through quite a few. Sometimes I'm a force of nature, so I have no qualms at steering head on into the eye of a storm. Taking on a storm is exhausting though and it takes time to recharge. Even a force of nature has to have calm seas. Tsunamis are only around for one season out of four. So I just cannot see constantly driving the rudder into a storm that someone else keeps creating.
The other problem is I have always had a lot of priorities. A relationship has really just never been one. My boys always came first. My career always came second. My personal life was and still is about my friends--especially the friends that are like family or that are very close to me. Of course, that's not to say that I haven't had a couple of relationships that I look back on and think maybe I should have stayed there. But the reality is that there is only one relationship total that I look back on and cannot justify the mistakes that I made, giving up on it, going absolutely crazy trying to figure out how to make it work, and then finally residing myself that it was never going to work. And, the one thing I'm sure of is that I never want to have to rack my brain like that again.
A very good friend of mine just found his soulmate. She's perfect for him and from what I have observed, he is perfect for her. That seems to make a very happy relationship and they aren't the first couple I know like this as I've stated in previous blogs. But for him, well, this always seemed like it would be a toss. He had some very rocky relationships in the past and it was sometimes how he acted in the relationships as much as it was how the women acted. Yet, some way out of seemingly nowhere, he's in the perfect relationship for him. So there has to be hope for all of us, even ones like me that are absolute hard cases. (Laugh, it's funny.)
Friends over the years have joked that I'm like that white tail deer you just spooked that takes off into the woods. I used to joke that I was "nothing but cottontail"--in reference to a spooked rabbit. When I was younger I was engaged and I probably would've married him and lived my life as a teacher--quiet little patch of land somewhere in God's country. But, a big argument and I never answered his calls again. The wrong words. Of course, we were super young and the reality is that I always wanted something. Just never knew what that something was. The impetuousness of youth I suppose. By the time I figured out what I wanted, I thought I had the "perfect" relationship. Another impetuous fancy of youth. Perfect for me is so much more complicated. I used to joke that I could have my stupid conversations with my friends. Yet, most of my friends are pretty smart, so I can have my "smart" conversations with them too. The only thing I really need from a man is, well, my Grams raised me better than that. Go figure.
Of course, I have a lot of male friends and have even dated one or two of them. There's even one in there that I look back and think God didn't make one more like me than him. Should've stayed there too maybe. But, well, we don't have a lot of common hobbies so yea, maybe not. My best friend is a guy. I mean if we talk about the friend that I've known the longest, can talk about absolutely anything, and all that. Forty years plus knowing someone makes a pretty deep friendship. Of course, he's not my type and I'm not his type. Just fact. But if I really want real advise about a relationship, I'm calling him. This probably will not excite my many girlfriends that have listened to me gripe about relationships over the years. But the truth is that if he hasn't heard the guy's name, then the guy just isn't getting very far. And if he's hearing it because I want advise, the guy is on his way out--as many of my girlfriends know. He never even met my ex--because well, maybe my ex just wasn't really "it"--whatever "it" is. Of course, he's a bit more steady than me. I'm a bit flighty, as Grams would've put it. If it weren't for my boys, I'd be living on a Caribbean island, serving mai tais, riding my Harley around in circles and working on the never ending novel while listening to the waves rolling in. Okay, maybe not a Caribbean island, I think that circle thing would make me dizzy--flighty is bad enough.
So what was the point of this blog? Wow. Really, sometimes these things have no point at all other than to clear my head and maybe make a little break in your day. Do I want a real relationship? Maybe, maybe not. OK, probably more maybe. But do I want to argue over ridiculous sh*t? Or be told what to do? If you've actually met me then you know that is literally like trying to control the wind. The best anyone can hope for is just enjoying the breeze. I cannot stand the idea of being controlled. Hmmm, I can probably blame a couple control freak ex-boyfriends, but hey, that friend of mine who has found his "perfect"--well, there's still hope. Okay, maybe not. Funny how quickly that works....I'm happy just like I am right now and given everything I've done or had done to me in my life I'll take it. Happy and alone is way better than with someone and miserable. I'd rather be a force of nature than a chicken in a coop.