Monday, August 30, 2010

i have nothing to offer

how do i tell you i have nothing to offer,and yet i'd give you the world?
i'm not someone so wonderful; my heart beat is barely even real.
i love the way your smell lingers gently on my mind,
and lights my imagination every moment, all the time.
i find myself believing that you should be with me,
but my mind refuses my heart any such thoughts to run free.

if you would just go away, it would be so much better,
my heart would not feel the need to argue my mind to un-fetter.
i could fall in love with you when you look up at the sky,
as i notice how the moonlight twinkles and sparkles in your eyes.

if there was no you to show me exactly how i could feel,
i could easily forget how any of this seems real.
if i can make you hate me, then i can be alone.
no memories of the sound of your voice or disappointed tone.
if i could tell you that, then my life might not be so wrinkled.
but the expectations of you and me might make the water ripple.
please just walk away quietly as you have no idea,
my heart and soul and life are just simply not so simple.

it's not that i want to be alone, it's that you remind me that i don't.
it's not that i'm in love with you, but that you open up the door.
it's not the fact that you're here that scares me, but it doesn't help.
it's not the way you smile that keeps me, but it doesn't hurt.
it's not that i don't want you--it's simply that i do.
it's not that i don't love you--it's what happens if it's true?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Who's paying dating complexities…

Dating has become a very complex thing. It used to be cut and dry. Man made money, man chose woman, man treated woman, man wooed woman, man proposed to woman, woman accepted or not. The only problems arose when she didn’t want who was proposing to her or had more than one suitor to choose from. Marriage was way more stifling then. Once married, she became property for all intensive purposes—in some cases, becoming a maid and cook and baby machine to someone who viewed her as nothing more than a societal requirement or convenience. Often these women were battered and abused, cheated on, left alone in misery in a bad marriage. Trapped in a cage of not their doing but of societal norms and expectations that could not be “broken”. Women did not work except in 3 “accepted” vocations: nursing, school teacher, or prostitute. Nursing and teaching required formal training of some sort, which, of course, required some amount of money to pay for the formal training which was only provided by the woman’s family if they were well enough “to do” to provide such an education. So women were extremely dependent upon men for their livelihood and this dating ritual was often more about catching the right wallet rather than about love.

In some cases, it is likely that some women gave up one thing for another—perhaps the lesser of two evils. A cheating man with money might be viewed as a better mate than a gambling man who was faithful. Of course, all this was the true gamble, because the women often had a very limited view of the man until married. Courtships were a couple of hours a day maximum, and no “good” woman lived with a man until married. So often, the men and women ended up with what they ended up with. If they married someone uninterested in sex, there was little release other than to find a whore if the man was the disappointed party, and even less release if it were the woman suffering with an uninterested man. Men often entered into a relationship thinking that what they had seen over the courtship was what they were going to get, but often were blind to the true motivations of the other party (yes, I do realize that some of this hasn’t changed much sadly—but that is, of course, another blog). Certain things were not open for discussion in polite society before marriage, and obviously, disappointment could be had by either party if the end result was that their needs were not met in the union that they entered.

Now women make their own money, can support themselves, and can enter and exit relationships as they choose. So can men. However, the impact is that the “dating game” has changed considerably. When we are young and naive, dating is not as complicated because we don’t have any baggage, but who pays for what at that point still seems obvious. In high school, most fathers want to know the boy taking their daughter to the movies is paying. In college, we still generally accept this rule of thumb, as best as I can tell, that the guy pays if it’s a date. It seems like the quandary comes once a woman is making her own money. There are a slew of reasons for this issue.

For one, some women get insulted if a man pays. I don't actually know any of these women, but I have quite a few male friends that have had dates like this. The woman gets upset if they open the car door, the restaurant door, or pays. Since I haven’t ever met one of these women personally, I have to say that I have no understanding of their reasoning. Other women don’t want to feel obligated to participate in more than the meal. I actually have a friend who if she pays her half that is her way of letting him know he’s never getting any. She is done with the date, and very likely done answering his calls and any other future communications. I’ve also heard of women that want to be sure a man is comfortable with her making her own money. On a first date, this sounds a bit extreme to me. I’m sure it can be determined over time if he’s comfortable with the woman he’s with having her own paycheck. Still this is an excuse that has been thrown out there to me before. On the flip side, I have friends that consider it an insult if a man doesn’t pay—even if they asked the men out. This seems to be a baby boomer thing especially. They seem to have a very rigid approach—either all or none. Even the baby boomer women that don’t want a man paying seem to have a very militant approach to the “all or nothing” concept. I’ve met some gen-x that feel this way—not as militant about it, but simply feel it is a man’s obligation.

Now my perspective is probably a little unique, for whatever reasons, I believe a woman should be able to pay her own way and it is completely dependent upon the circumstances. This seems to be part of the my generation’s view and most of the gen-y view. How to determine these circumstances becomes a bit of a quandary. I expect a man to open the door for me in a social setting. I expect the niceties that I was raised by Silent Generation women to expect. In fact, in an example where a man makes less money than the woman and the woman is paying, these pleasantries should not only be expected but required. Gen-y women seem to be surpassing the mass majority of men their age in income earning potential, especially since around 60% of college graduates for their generation are female. There are less and less boys attending college and more and more of the women with the money. I have a couple of very close gen-y friends, and they often pay for the guy they are dating after a few dates. The biggest problem that they seem to have is the men giving them the respect they deserve as a lady—opening the doors, pulling out their chairs, just behaving as a gentleman would.

In my own experience, though, I’ve never dated anyone that made less money than me. I know shocking, but I haven’t. I am not used to paying my own anything. It is not that it bothers me to pay or not to pay, but I have never had to give it a second thought. Of course, it also might be that since I haven’t gone out on more than 1 or 2 dates with most of the men I’ve dated in the last decade that I simply haven’t reached a point where I’m willing to pay. I most certainly believe the first few dates should be the man’s responsibility. So when a couple of baby boomer acquaintances jumped my *ss when I said I had paid for something when going out with a guy that I’ve been dating for awhile, well, I really didn’t know what to think. I had read an article on the yahoo homepage about whether men needed to make more money and inadvertently started to contemplate what I thought of all this. Yes, he had asked. I was not expecting him to ask. The plans were his with a buddy. Including me was thoughtful and sweet. Next, we’ve been dating for several months. I do feel a little out of place paying my own way, but as I said, I’ve technically never reached a point in a long time that this has become an issue. On past occasions, he’s paid for things. This is really only the second or third time that I’ve paid for anything, and perhaps coincidently, the only times have been when we have been out in a group. Of course, the ladies were upset because it was a supposed lack of respect. Is it a lack of respect when a man doesn’t pay? Obviously I have friends that would disagree depending on the financial situation of both parties.

The stone thrown, and I had to contemplate this. Seriously, I think I have other things that are far more important to worry about: do I enjoy the time I spend with him? Does he start to bore me after an hour? (Trust me this is huge. Most guys can’t keep me entertained or engaged for 45 minutes, let alone hours.) Do I find him interesting, insightful, genuine, honest, sexy? Does he find me interesting, insightful, genuine, honest, sexy? Do we share like interests? Does he keep me captivated in a conversation? Can I talk to him for hours, or vice versa, simply sit there contently saying nothing for hours? Do I like the way he smiles and carries himself? Is he confident? Is he sweet? Does he treat me with respect on a personal, intellectual and emotional level? Does being around him make me feel better when I’ve had a bad day? Do I want to make him feel better if he’s had a bad day? Do we share the same values? Am I confident that I can trust him? Does he have a taste for adventure like I do? Does he still have the need to have roots with a taste for adventure? (Amazing to me how exceedingly rare this quality actually is.) And of course, possibly most important of all, when either of us is difficult, and all people can be difficult at times, can I overlook it in him, and vice versa, can he overlook it in me?

We being only human, we should look for someone who is compatible with what and who we are. I want someone who can afford to go do things but consider money a very small ponderance in comparison to the importance of finding that person that makes me happy and that I make happy. I believe that was my grandmothers’ generation’s point to wanting to be able to vote and work and make our own money. It wasn’t just to “upset the apple cart”, but to offer both men and women the chance to find someone on their emotional and intellectual merits, rather than on the need or thickness of a wallet.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

A Thief Should Not Be Able to Steal Valor...

Ugh, really? Some jerk claims to be a marine and Medal of Honor recipient, and when a Colorado Federal court gets the case, voila! They strike down the law stating: “it’s not illegal to lie”. WTF!?!?! Ok, yes, I’m a girly girl looking thing, and I’d say about 5% of the single men I come across will lie about military service to “impress” a chick. Should they go to jail? Probably not.

But this isn’t about a bozo claiming military service when he didn’t serve. This is about the clowns out there that capitalize on the fact that we, the American public, love and esteem valor in the face of the enemy. We view it as not just an act of valor where they defended their position and their peers, but we also view it as the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom, our Constitution, our way of life. These men and women that are honored with the Medal of Honor, the Navy Cross, the Distinguished Service Cross, the Air Force Cross, the Purple Heart, et cetera. I can’t list them all. These people make sacrifices that their peers, their commanders, and their branch of service recognizes them as exceeding expectations.

Medal of Honor recipients are often the most humble of all military members—they often speak of themselves as only “doing what anyone else would’ve done”. Most do not advertise it. I’ve had the honor to meet one Medal of Honor recipient from WW2. I knew him for years before it ever came up and he was not the one to bring it up. Did he or any of them only do what anyone else would do? As far as military members go, yes. I will not diminish those of us that have served by insinuating any of us that are not honored with these special honors would not have done the same. In those moments where we are faced with the worst moment of our lives, the military trains for the sailors, soldiers, marines and airmen to be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good. And, we who have served, realize what a sacrifice that anyone being awarded a Medal of Honor had to make. In that split second decision, those awarded these medals distinguished themselves as willing to put all others over themselves. We know that could’ve been our lives they made that sacrifice for, and we hold that very dear to our hearts. So, yes, we are mortified, angered and vicious about a liar claiming an honor and the fruits of that honor without having a f*cking clue what sacrifice that honor is for.

The Stolen Valor Act of 2005 doesn’t keep someone from claiming to have served if they didn’t. The act doesn’t allow them to claim they are Medal of Honor, Navy Cross, or any other ribbon that might diminish the value of the medal. A Medal of Honor recipient is the highest honor of all military honors. The award is often posthumously. In fact, ALL Medals of Honor awarded to Desert Storm or Gulf service members have been posthumously—awarded to their families—mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, children. Let me repeat that just for impact: All Medals of Honor awarded since Desert Shield/Storm have been posthumously. The ultimate sacrifice was their lives for their comrades, for their unit, for the mission, for their country--OUR country.

So a federal judge in Colorado has decided to strike down the Stolen Valor Act of 2005—allowing a jerk who claimed to be a marine and Medal of Honor recipient to have no ramifications to his actions. It is “not illegal to lie”. This is not just a lie, sir. No, this is an insult to the Honor that we bestow on real heroes, and it does diminish the Medal and the Honor if any jerk can claim it. During wartime (we are still at war, aren’t we?), it’s illegal to wear a uniform if you’ve never served. Persons doing so can be arrested for treason. Perhaps, he’s not wearing the uniform, but I find this more disturbing. He wasn’t just claiming to have served in the United States Marine Corps—it was the Medal of Honor. In the military we have enlisted and officer. Officers do not salute enlisted, and the President of the United States—aka. the Commander-in-Chief, the highest officer in the military—doesn’t initiate a salute to anyone. But they all, ALL—enlisted, officer, and even the President—must initiate a salute to a Medal of Honor recipient. ALL. This is our highest honor that our country can bestow on a military member—for sacrifices above and beyond the expected and required valor of all military members. But not just slightly above or exceedingly above—we have the Crosses for those acts. These recipients, these Medals of Honor sailors, soldiers, marines and airmen, have risked more than anyone else—often sacrificing their lives for the better of others in acts of valor that Hollywood makes movies about. They are the people that define our way of life for the world by showing the sacrifices that Americans will make for our own, for others we are sworn to protect, and for our comrades. We all salute them, not just because we have to, but because they have earned that salute, that respect.

This man, who claimed to be a Medal of Honor recipient, received gifts, special accommodations, speaking opportunities, attention, financial benefits, for his fraud. Yes, FRAUD. The men and women that have this award don’t typically capitalize on the award. In fact, there are no Gulf service members that can—not because there were no Gulf service members awarded the Medal of Honor—but because they are dead. They made the ultimate sacrifice, and the only consolation that their families—parents, husbands, wives, children— received is that those sacrifices were honored by our country with our highest military honor—the Medal of Honor.

A judge says that law is illegal; this idiot can claim the Medal of Honor. Any idiot out there can for the time being. I hope this goes to the Supreme Court and they say that judge is a moron—since federal judges are appointed for life we can’t even hope for his career to be over. I hope that the families of real Medal of Honor recipients file a lawsuit for defamation of character, because this man’s actions reduced the real sacrifices made by real recipients. I hope that a creative prosecutor can figure out how much all those gifts, benefits, speaking engagements were worth and can put together a case for fraud. In the meantime, I hope a grunt runs into this guy in a bar, beats the beegeebees out of him, and claims PTSD as a defense and gets the charges dropped. What goes around, comes around—well, I hope so in this bozo’s case anyway.

LINK TO THE ACT: http://www.homeofheroes.com/herobill/hr3352.html

Monday, August 16, 2010

ok, that's just nasty...

i'm often amazed at the new concept of equal. instead of stepping up the standards that we live by, some people seem heck bent on stepping it down. the most obvious place this seems to occur is their moral fiber. i recently was told by an acquaintance that sex is just sex.

ok, visual (of the acquaintance): single mother that sleeps with 3 to 5 different men a week. gives a whole new meaning to good for the goose versus good for the gander, doesn't it? she has a 10 year old, who's there in her home as she shovels through the array of men. hmm...she sees nothing wrong with this; the kid is asleep. ummm, anyone else have kids that sleep well when you have strangers in the house?

she says this is all good because the guys are sleezing, oh i mean sleeping, with other women. ummm. ok. in a 3 month period, she slept with upwards over 30 men. if each of them is sleeping with just one other woman in that 90 day period, and a guy sleeps with her at the end of that, he has just slept with over 60 people by proxy--and that's a minimum...ewww.

it's ok, she says, well, because she always uses a condom. ummm, ok. herpes and genital warts don't restrict themselves to the genitals. they can be on the thighs and belly of the people that have them--how's that condom protecting you now? and she's slept with 60 people by proxy in the last 90 days...how in the hell can she be absolutely sure that she hasn't contracted one of those and is not continuing to spread the love, so to speak?

she called me a prude. ok. i'm a prude. she said it like it was an insult. lmao...ok. her response was "if it's ok for a guy, why isn't ok for us?" umm, yea sweetie, i'm not dating that guy. i think he's just as nasty as i think you are. and i'll pass on him as quick as i hope a man worth having would pass on her...

Friday, August 6, 2010

sturgis....and the mamas...

for most bikers, a rally is a great time...i have over the years attended a couple, ok maybe more than a couple :D we hit cherokee for a day way back when...my bday falls on the fall myrtle beach rally and that was a blast the two years that i went. daytona bike week is a zoo and biketoberfest is way more fun in my humble opinion (less people but same daytona). but at various points in time, various friends and i have discussed making the pilgrimmage to sturgis...

strugis for those of you that don't know is deeply embedded in the black hills of south dakota...supposed to be some of the most beautiful scenery that the United States has to offer. there are famous areas surrounding this little humble town that is bombarded by bikers once a year including: mount rushmore, deadwood, badlands national park, devil's tower, and the crazy horse memorial...suffice to say it's supposed to be breath-taking and historical.

but yea, this isn't about that...this is about the mamas..the divas...teresa, alecia, judy, pammie, and a few others. i lived in south carolina for 8 years. i attended clemson university. i can honestly say that sometimes sc is the most backwards, backward thinking place you can find. it's pretty bad when other southerners have a saying that "nothing good comes out of south carolina". ok, it is where the movie "deliverance" was filmed and yes, they grip tight to keeping that rebel flag in front of the statehouse. they did start the civil war and they still have never officially re-ratified the Constitution of the United States. in a place where some cling desperately to "old ways", there has to be some form of balance. that balance is the equally strong polar opposites to these gross stereotypes. there are more female bikers in the state of south carolina per capita--ok, maybe just back then...haven't checked recently. but yes, really. to this day, i've never seen as many women on their own bikes anywhere else. and there was where i rejoined my old love of motorcycles, deeply ingrained in me by a beloved uncle that dragged nhra in the 70s.

it is also where i got to meet some of the most independent, self-sufficient, good-hearted women on the planet. the mamas, divas, were more than a dozen of us; you didn't have to ride to be a diva, but the general populace were, of course, bikers not riders. it was a great time by all when we'd take off for a trip. the greatest part about us was we are the same but yet we are so different--bar owner, accountant, nurse, accounts rep, real estate, assembly, housewife...suffice to say in some version of the world we had nothing in common. but bikers don't have to have anything in common but the wind and the asphalt.

what made us unique is probably the fact that all of us loved the long run. burning, boiling hot one summer day, we agreed to meet and ride to helen, georgia. helen is this somewhat remote town--an old german style town with buildings that are supposed to be old world-ish. there's a creek that flows through the town where you can go tubing (no tubing for us that day though). we had a blast. no whiners in this bunch. we actually joked that some of the boyfriends and husbands had thought it was too hot and we were crazy. it was hot and humid and completely insane and georgia has a helmet law--it was dripping sweat the size of bullets hot and those helmets kept the wind from the hair...but it was great!!

we rode poker runs. we participated in abate (judy is still anderson county abate president today, i believe). we were sisters, family--that bond which even blood sometimes cannot create.

this year i was going to sturgis with members from my vfw post--that was the plan in february/march. about 15 or so had originally committed to the idea, by a month ago, there were 3. suffice to say, the best laid plans of mice and men often never come to fruitition.

i got to thinking, especially as the post members dwindled down--no offense meant to the ones that were left--but it got me thinking: if i were to go, who would i want to go with? i'm happy go lucky. i can have fun with anyone. i can make just about anyone laugh. i also can be polite even if someone makes my skin crawl...(ok, almost always, but that's another blog)....but a week? i put off going to the carribean cuz i have it in my head that i should go with someone that i can appreciate the memories for years to come. certain things, well, i can do them myself. who cares? would it be awesome to go with a boyfriend? probably. but i think we've covered that quandry before. on the other hand, this is the pilgrimmage that me and several of my closest friends have joked and talked about on and off for years. a bunch of acquaintances from my post? 2 or 3 that aren't even friends from the post? hmmm, comrades in arms aren't seriously beating out the sisters that i love are they? not when none of us has ever been--not even OTB as riders instead of bikers...

nope. i wanna go with my divas, my best friends, my sisters. we've talked about it for years. we've joked that we would take over sturgis, this sisterhood bonded by a love of adventure, motorcycles, the wind and the asphalt. afterall, you can make memories over and over and over again, but it's the first time that always counts the most...