I have to admit that I could care less about the VMAs, MTV, or most of the time, even the halftime show at the Super Bowl. Honestly, after the Janet Jackson-Justin Timberlake fiasco at one of the Super Bowl halftimes, I just became uninterested. Bluntly, I don't want to see some sleezy act that looks like it belongs on the local low end strip club stage. Yes, I realize that celebrities will do almost anything for attention, but notice that Janet Jackson has pretty much died out of the spotlight since that fiasco with the pastie. So, was I even remotely surprised to hear that little miss Miley Cyrus made a sexually inappropriate move on the VMAs on Sunday? No, not really. Was I even curious to see it? No, but there was such a conversation about it on Monday that I did go look. What could be worse than the mother of these whore acts, Madonna, dry humping anything and everything on stage? Or Britney Spears who claims Madonna as her source of inspiration after her own little fiasco? Teddy bears. Yes, I'm pretty sure grabbing yourself, taking a foam finger and sliding it back and forth between your legs, shaking your butt at the crowd like you're shaking it for a dollar, all surrounded by teddy bears...well, that might be even further over the top than Madonna. And Madonna, are you proud? All these little girls imitating the Madonna "sex sells, tough twinkies" attitude--she must just be beaming!!!
Consider this all started with Madonna. Oh, I know the sexual revolution started in the 60s and 70s, but in spite of her own life story film now, Linda Lovelace wasn't what anyone dreamed of their little girl growing up to be and we never hear a little girl answer the question "what do you want to be when you grow up" with "porn queen". Madonna, on the other hand, was a huge heroine figure for young women. Like a lot of professional ball players, Madonna fans wanted to be her, imitate her, and took her words like she was touched by God. But, Madonna, just like the pro-ball players, is little more than someone who had a talent. Doesn't mean she's smart. Doesn't mean she has any class. Doesn't mean she should be a roll model. Definately doesn't mean as parents we should encourage our daughters to follow her lead, but that isn't how our world works anymore. Often parents don't have much input after a certain age on who their kids idolize. Madonna was the inspiration for Britney Spears. Britney, Christina, all of these little girls, growing up, hyper-exposed to an "idol" who expressed sexuality blatently with a lot of disregard to who her audiance might be. Even now, well into her 50s, Madonna did a show only last year dressed up in the slinkiest, sleeziest outfit that she could find with some extremely sexual overtones. I heard how great she looked and I heard how disturbing it was. She did look great. She'd have looked great if she had been in a tight mini dress, but she wanted to show as much skin, sell herself as sexually as possible, and really was kind of disgusting. It's not the age that should shock us. It's the fact that we don't want our daughters thinking if she wants to make money that it has to be covered, smothered and bathed in sexuality.
I don't have a daughter. Thank goodness. I've seen girls wearing club clothes and thought how cute. Nothing wrong with a good looking woman looking great. Our daughters deserve to be able to wear clothes that make them feel good about themselves, and yes, I wore spandex in the 90s. I might have even wore stuff that a more pious person might find inappropriate, so I also know that it varies from person to person. I've wore a Calvin Klein suit and blouse with a cami under it and been told it was inappropriate because I needed to "dress more like a man". We're not going to make everyone happy. But, the shock factor of the music awards and other shows watched by millions seems to always have some super overcharged offense even to the most open minded of us. I mean, really, teddy bears with sliding a foam finger between her legs. Even I was mortified as I watched and I consider myself pretty open minded. Still, apparently not that open minded. If I did have a daughter, particularly if she was a Miley Cyrus fan, we would be having a long conversation about sexuality as long as she was pre-teen about clothing choices, and about teenage rebellion.
Yes, teenage rebellion. Hanna Montana. The perfect little Disney girl. Disney really loves to create these perfect images of teenagers that are really purposely marketed to little girls and their gullable parents. Don't get me wrong; if I had a little girl, I'm positive I would encourage my daughter to have watched the squeaky clean Hanna Montana. Only problem is that sooner or later the Mouse girls become adults and they no longer want to be the squeaky clean mouse. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilara, Hillary Duff, Lindsey Lohan... There are other Disney girls that don't do some massive sexual spread immediately after becoming adults, but for the most popular Disney girls there are more "crash and burn" style stunts. These attention mongers get used to everyone watching them under a microscope, and it's got to be a pressure cooker to live in. They also want desperately to shake the "little girl" image that makes Disney icons huge. They get to 18 or 19 and people are still thinking of them as the "little girl", because simply put, we still are thinking of our own kids as little kids. They're always our babies. Only the Disney girls don't get it just from their parents and family. They get it from everyone. Shake that salt shaker. Everyone comes up to you and treats you like a little kid. I don't remember being 19 as well as if I were a 19 year old, but I remember wanting to be treated like an adult. I may or may not have deserved it, and sometimes I'm sure I still acted like a kid. Yet, I do remember that I thought of myself as an adult. So, my best guess is that Miley Cyrus, the epitome of the Disney "little girl" who millions of kids and their parents watched grow up is tired of anyone assuming she's a little girl. She wants to be thought of as an adult, and who can blame her?
Yet, what a teenager doesn't understand, what most people in their early 20s don't understand, is that between 18 and 26 we go through as much change as we do between 10 and 18. The changes, the growth in such a short period of time, is something that no one can explain to the teenager that is now legally an adult. But we also forget that they are adults. Of course, it's a little hard to think of Miley as an adult while she has giant teddy bears dancing around her doing her amateur stripper act, but perhaps that is her point. She's surrounded by people treating her like a kid still and she wants them to acknowledge her as an adult. For the teenage mind, sex is one of those "adult" only things, and voila, the Disney girl turns into a sex pistol right before our eyes--to our dismay and shock. Somehow though, it really shouldn't be that shocking. Our own little girls and boys flash their independence, not as showy by any means usually, but our kids didn't grow up in a spotlight that focused solely on a little kid image.
Is it our fault? No. Is it Billy Ray Cyrus' fault? That he has a typical teenage daughter? Probably not. Is it Disney's fault? Well, not exactly, but they do go to great lengths to package the Disney girl image and maintain it, and they seem to have a high number of "crash and burn" girls. Not everyone is going to crush under the pressure, but it might be time for Disney to start being a little more selective, provide counseling for these girls and their families to ensure that the ones that are at more risk have the coping capabilities, and maybe quit packaging so well that the "crash and burn" girls aren't pushed into either being little girls or strippers as they become adults. Madonna may think sex sells, but many of us are sick of her antics too. Don't get me wrong. I love seeing old rock bands still rocking it out, but there's a point where I want to see your talent, not the antics. Of course, maybe that is the point with Madonna. She wasn't ever anything more talented than Shannon, Janet Jackson, Taylor Dayne or the Go Go's. She was just more outrageous, sexually charged, and tawdry. Madonna is the queen of shock value, and she has definately made a point of showing to these pre-packaged little girls that if they do not want to be seen as little girls anymore sex definately sells it. Of course, Madonna wasn't one of the little mice and we just don't want to see the little Disney girls slut out like Madonna. I don't have an answer. I wish I did. I'm just glad I don't have a daughter who watches Hanna Montana or any other little Disney girl who might join the ranks of Miley, Britney, Christina and Lindsey....
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Feeling guilty? A little of Grams' advice....
Well, it has come to my attention that some people are worried about being in my blog. To be blunt, that is friggin' hilarious. Those that read my blog know two things. One, I never use names--which doesn't matter as long as the information is true and verifiable (probably why some are worried). Two, the antedotes of people's behavior are used as true examples of how to, and in most cases, how not to behave, treat others, et cetera. Frankly, if your guilty conscience is bothering you over my little blog, tough twinkies. Get over yourself. Here's just some general advice from my Grams to you if you're sweating my blog:
1. If someone shares with you, then keep your big mouth shut. Don't pretend to be a friend and support someone, then walk over to other people telling them how you don't understand why that person would even share this information with you, and top it off with sharing the information with others. Do you consider that a nice thing to do? If someone is having a bad day, they might share it with you. That's just a fact. The reason you feel guilty is you shared something that wasn't your place to share. My Grams used to say "if you feel guilty, you already know you were wrong".
2. Stop talking about people behind their backs. Yes, it's that damn simple. You don't like someone? Fine. Don't like them on your own. If you can't say it to their faces, then you've got ZERO business saying it behind their backs. My Grams used to say "if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say it at all."
3. Don't listen to drug addicts for advice. If someone has severe issues and you're listening to their gossip about another party, doesn't take a rocket scientist to know the information that you are receiving is probably seriously skewed. While it might seem all drama interesting, it makes you look stupid to anyone that knows about the drug addict's problems. Grams' advice: "Alcohol is a poor filter. It doesn't make people more honest; it makes them act more honest." Translation: The true person comes out, not the truth.
4. Don't assume someone that always tries to be nice is going to take your crap. Many of my friends have told me to be bitchier to people, not take their crap. What I've observed in the last couple of years is the nicer I am to people the nastier the assholes are to me. I even decided to test it a couple of times recently. I act like a bitch to someone and they kiss my ass. I act nice and compliment them and they treat me like a leaper. Another Grams-ism: "Treat others as you would be treated yourself." I take that to heart. I'm nice not because you've earned it, but because I was raised to be. Karma bitches. Eventually you will be the leaper you want to be treated like.
5. If you don't know what you are talking about, quit shooting the messenger. If someone corrects you when you are wrong, stop doing the 5 things above and worse to someone that saved you from ending up looking like a dumbass. Guess what? That person is a better friend to you than the people that smiled smuggly, nodded their heads and let you proceed down the road you were already on. While your pride might be hurt, tough shit. At least you know that one messenger saved your ass when even your so-called friends were willing to watch as you crashed and burned. Grams' advice: "Real friends don't let you do something stupid. Sometimes, your real friends aren't your friends at all."
6. Stop assuming that people that aren't like you have nothing to offer you. The people that are different from you are the ones that help you see the world in a different light. In fact, the people that are most like you have the least to offer you. Grams-ism: "It's easy to like people like you, but you won't learn anything (new) from them."
7. Know when to turn the cheek and know that sometimes others do it for reasons that make no sense to you. Gram-ism #3: "Don't fight in defense of yourself, but always fight in defense of another." So many people think that if a woman is by herself, she's free game. I've met a lot of you, yes, YOU PEOPLE, in the last five years. A woman shouldn't need a man standing by her in order to be free of having to defend herself. And newsflash, it's a double edged sword. If a woman defends herself, the attacks become more pronounced and it's pointed out what a bitch she is. If she turns the other cheek, the attacks become more pronounced and it's pointed out that if she wasn't (whatever) she would defend herself. It's no win. Even if she wins and the group is "ordered" to apologize, it won't make an iota of difference. The people that are like that will never apologize, continue with their antics, probably escalate and continue to talk shit. It's lose-lose. Even if you win a single battle, there's no winning the war.
8. Obvious Grams-ism: "Actions speak louder than words." I'm honest, even been accused on more than one occasion of being "overly" honest. Frankly, at least no one ever wonders where they stand with me. I'm not nice because I want something, nor am a heinous bitch to anyone if they haven't egged it on with their own actions or words. I tell you what I think, I'll defend a person that is in the right, and I have no qualms with defending an "enemy" in the right versus a "friend" in the wrong. I don't expect everyone to have the same approach as I do. I do expect honesty though. All actions done in honesty should not need defending. I had a good friend who cheated on another friend of mine. I said nothing to the friend being cheated on--not that he wasn't a good friend also. But, because it wasn't my place--refer to #1. I did go and ask the friend that was cheating on him and tell her what I thought of what she was doing. Shockingly (sarcasm), we were no longer friends. Of course, I shortly thereafter found out that she had been stabbing me in the back also. Someone that will screw over their friends will screw over anyone.
9. Grams' always said, "real friends will be there for you, through thick and thin, good and bad". Needs no explanation, but think about how many people are coming if you need bail money. That's probably a good indicator.
10. "Never knowingly do the wrong thing. It might not be the popular thing, but popularity is fleeting. Being trustworthy is not." Gram-ism or not; it's deep. There was an occassion that I was in a bathroom with 3 stalls, a sink and only enough standing waiting room for 4. All the stalls were filled, and 5 girls followed another girl in and cornered her between my stall door and the wall. The women in the other two stalls hurried out without washing their hands or glancing at their makeup in the mirror. The one girl was trapped and being screamed at by the ring leader about her t-shirt. A Hooters' girl tank top. I came out smack dab in between the cornered girl and the other five. I stopped. The ring leader screamed at me to get out of the way, none of my business, whatever. No, not really my business, but how is it not? This girl in the corner had just come in to go to the bathroom. If I left her as the other two did, they would hit her. My being there was preventing it. At this point, the ring leader was threatening me. I identified myself as a bouncer from a bar down the road and told her it wasn't happening. Amazingly, with that, 3 of the five scurried out the door like the rodents they were. The door open, the guys passing by to or from the men's room stopped. The 4th rodent scurried off with the bellowing from one of the men asking what was going on. The ring leader became aware at this point that she was on her own. She scurried out too. One of those 3 men that stopped as this came to a close became one of my best friends--like a father to me. One night he was telling the story about this exchange to a group that asked why he liked me so much. He punchlined it that he had asked me what I was thinking not just leaving like the other women. He repeated my answer "It was the right thing to do." He was my friend because in that one moment I had proven that I was trustworthy, I'd do the right thing, and I stood by beliefs.
11. Bluntly: "Honesty is always the best policy." Grams despised dishonesty. People tell you they don't want to hurt you to justify lying to you. Anyone that has ever been lied to knows that it always hurts worse when you find out the truth later. Even liars have been lied to, so they are as acutely aware of the end result as any of the rest of us--afterall they learned to lie from someone. Lies often lead to even more ugly things--like pitting others against someone, or trying to make other people join a bandwagon to "not like" someone else, more lies, manipulation, and other more dishonest crap. It truly is a vicious circle. While the truth, and someone like me that throws it out there quite regularly, might be difficult to swallow, consider how much easier my life is than yours. I don't keep track of what I've said because I told the truth. I don't need to backpeddle or worry about when the truth comes out.
Being honest might make it difficult when I deal with people that say they're just "playing politics", but hey, I'm not worried about manipulating others, controlling what people think, or making myself "popular". It's worrisome enough to decide whether you did the right thing by turning the other cheek after a group harassed you for months and months, even after they had been told by an organization they fucked up and to apologize. (Which incidently they never did. No "order" from the organization ever mattered, nor does it matter now to them.) It's difficult enough to know that defending that girl in the Hooters shirt might have ended up with me in a fight with 5 women--at least in that moment anyway. And honestly, it's always difficult to find out that someone you trusted isn't actually that trustworthy. All that seems like enough to worry about than whether I was honest with someone and how to make sure they never know if I wasn't. Just seems like it would be a lot of energy to hide pettiness than to be honest from the jump. If you have that energy to exude, wow. But hey that might explain why some people always complain that I have so much energy and seem happy no matter what.
1. If someone shares with you, then keep your big mouth shut. Don't pretend to be a friend and support someone, then walk over to other people telling them how you don't understand why that person would even share this information with you, and top it off with sharing the information with others. Do you consider that a nice thing to do? If someone is having a bad day, they might share it with you. That's just a fact. The reason you feel guilty is you shared something that wasn't your place to share. My Grams used to say "if you feel guilty, you already know you were wrong".
2. Stop talking about people behind their backs. Yes, it's that damn simple. You don't like someone? Fine. Don't like them on your own. If you can't say it to their faces, then you've got ZERO business saying it behind their backs. My Grams used to say "if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say it at all."
3. Don't listen to drug addicts for advice. If someone has severe issues and you're listening to their gossip about another party, doesn't take a rocket scientist to know the information that you are receiving is probably seriously skewed. While it might seem all drama interesting, it makes you look stupid to anyone that knows about the drug addict's problems. Grams' advice: "Alcohol is a poor filter. It doesn't make people more honest; it makes them act more honest." Translation: The true person comes out, not the truth.
4. Don't assume someone that always tries to be nice is going to take your crap. Many of my friends have told me to be bitchier to people, not take their crap. What I've observed in the last couple of years is the nicer I am to people the nastier the assholes are to me. I even decided to test it a couple of times recently. I act like a bitch to someone and they kiss my ass. I act nice and compliment them and they treat me like a leaper. Another Grams-ism: "Treat others as you would be treated yourself." I take that to heart. I'm nice not because you've earned it, but because I was raised to be. Karma bitches. Eventually you will be the leaper you want to be treated like.
5. If you don't know what you are talking about, quit shooting the messenger. If someone corrects you when you are wrong, stop doing the 5 things above and worse to someone that saved you from ending up looking like a dumbass. Guess what? That person is a better friend to you than the people that smiled smuggly, nodded their heads and let you proceed down the road you were already on. While your pride might be hurt, tough shit. At least you know that one messenger saved your ass when even your so-called friends were willing to watch as you crashed and burned. Grams' advice: "Real friends don't let you do something stupid. Sometimes, your real friends aren't your friends at all."
6. Stop assuming that people that aren't like you have nothing to offer you. The people that are different from you are the ones that help you see the world in a different light. In fact, the people that are most like you have the least to offer you. Grams-ism: "It's easy to like people like you, but you won't learn anything (new) from them."
7. Know when to turn the cheek and know that sometimes others do it for reasons that make no sense to you. Gram-ism #3: "Don't fight in defense of yourself, but always fight in defense of another." So many people think that if a woman is by herself, she's free game. I've met a lot of you, yes, YOU PEOPLE, in the last five years. A woman shouldn't need a man standing by her in order to be free of having to defend herself. And newsflash, it's a double edged sword. If a woman defends herself, the attacks become more pronounced and it's pointed out what a bitch she is. If she turns the other cheek, the attacks become more pronounced and it's pointed out that if she wasn't (whatever) she would defend herself. It's no win. Even if she wins and the group is "ordered" to apologize, it won't make an iota of difference. The people that are like that will never apologize, continue with their antics, probably escalate and continue to talk shit. It's lose-lose. Even if you win a single battle, there's no winning the war.
8. Obvious Grams-ism: "Actions speak louder than words." I'm honest, even been accused on more than one occasion of being "overly" honest. Frankly, at least no one ever wonders where they stand with me. I'm not nice because I want something, nor am a heinous bitch to anyone if they haven't egged it on with their own actions or words. I tell you what I think, I'll defend a person that is in the right, and I have no qualms with defending an "enemy" in the right versus a "friend" in the wrong. I don't expect everyone to have the same approach as I do. I do expect honesty though. All actions done in honesty should not need defending. I had a good friend who cheated on another friend of mine. I said nothing to the friend being cheated on--not that he wasn't a good friend also. But, because it wasn't my place--refer to #1. I did go and ask the friend that was cheating on him and tell her what I thought of what she was doing. Shockingly (sarcasm), we were no longer friends. Of course, I shortly thereafter found out that she had been stabbing me in the back also. Someone that will screw over their friends will screw over anyone.
9. Grams' always said, "real friends will be there for you, through thick and thin, good and bad". Needs no explanation, but think about how many people are coming if you need bail money. That's probably a good indicator.
10. "Never knowingly do the wrong thing. It might not be the popular thing, but popularity is fleeting. Being trustworthy is not." Gram-ism or not; it's deep. There was an occassion that I was in a bathroom with 3 stalls, a sink and only enough standing waiting room for 4. All the stalls were filled, and 5 girls followed another girl in and cornered her between my stall door and the wall. The women in the other two stalls hurried out without washing their hands or glancing at their makeup in the mirror. The one girl was trapped and being screamed at by the ring leader about her t-shirt. A Hooters' girl tank top. I came out smack dab in between the cornered girl and the other five. I stopped. The ring leader screamed at me to get out of the way, none of my business, whatever. No, not really my business, but how is it not? This girl in the corner had just come in to go to the bathroom. If I left her as the other two did, they would hit her. My being there was preventing it. At this point, the ring leader was threatening me. I identified myself as a bouncer from a bar down the road and told her it wasn't happening. Amazingly, with that, 3 of the five scurried out the door like the rodents they were. The door open, the guys passing by to or from the men's room stopped. The 4th rodent scurried off with the bellowing from one of the men asking what was going on. The ring leader became aware at this point that she was on her own. She scurried out too. One of those 3 men that stopped as this came to a close became one of my best friends--like a father to me. One night he was telling the story about this exchange to a group that asked why he liked me so much. He punchlined it that he had asked me what I was thinking not just leaving like the other women. He repeated my answer "It was the right thing to do." He was my friend because in that one moment I had proven that I was trustworthy, I'd do the right thing, and I stood by beliefs.
11. Bluntly: "Honesty is always the best policy." Grams despised dishonesty. People tell you they don't want to hurt you to justify lying to you. Anyone that has ever been lied to knows that it always hurts worse when you find out the truth later. Even liars have been lied to, so they are as acutely aware of the end result as any of the rest of us--afterall they learned to lie from someone. Lies often lead to even more ugly things--like pitting others against someone, or trying to make other people join a bandwagon to "not like" someone else, more lies, manipulation, and other more dishonest crap. It truly is a vicious circle. While the truth, and someone like me that throws it out there quite regularly, might be difficult to swallow, consider how much easier my life is than yours. I don't keep track of what I've said because I told the truth. I don't need to backpeddle or worry about when the truth comes out.
Being honest might make it difficult when I deal with people that say they're just "playing politics", but hey, I'm not worried about manipulating others, controlling what people think, or making myself "popular". It's worrisome enough to decide whether you did the right thing by turning the other cheek after a group harassed you for months and months, even after they had been told by an organization they fucked up and to apologize. (Which incidently they never did. No "order" from the organization ever mattered, nor does it matter now to them.) It's difficult enough to know that defending that girl in the Hooters shirt might have ended up with me in a fight with 5 women--at least in that moment anyway. And honestly, it's always difficult to find out that someone you trusted isn't actually that trustworthy. All that seems like enough to worry about than whether I was honest with someone and how to make sure they never know if I wasn't. Just seems like it would be a lot of energy to hide pettiness than to be honest from the jump. If you have that energy to exude, wow. But hey that might explain why some people always complain that I have so much energy and seem happy no matter what.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
"Ugly up a little. The plain women hate you."
A little while back I was infuriated by a comment made by the new Google CEO, Marissa Mayer, that women bring the inequities in the business world on ourselves when she was interviewed by CBS News. We are to blame for the fact that only 4% of Corporate America executives are women. We are to blame that female CEOs make 17% less than their male counterparts. We are to blame that we make an average of 30% less than our male counterparts across the board. Imagine. It's all our own fault. Well, maybe. One, we quit Corporate America at an amazing rate. Over 53% of all Bachelor's Degrees earned per year now are by women. Just ten years ago, we were over 40% of the earned Bachelor's Degrees. At the 10 years experience level, there should be a higher representation of women in Corporate America, but there's not. So I'm thinking Marissa Mayer is one of those women. Yes, one of those. While Marissa Mayer made her name taking Yahoo into the wave of the future where there were split work weeks, flex hours, and more home offices--making it easier for women to be intrinsic to the Corporate America fabric--she reversed that as soon as she got to Google. She's one of those women, those women who beat other women down because. Because? Well, because we were abused coming up the ranks so should anyone below us. Because we have become accustomed to beating each other down for the attention of men for literally millenia. Because we are groomed, we groom our own daughters and granddaughters, to beat down the pretty girl, the ugly girl, the smart girl, the athletic girl, the any girl different than ourselves. Those women, well, are us.
My Grams used to say that it was really important for women to start recognizing that we could take care of ourselves and that we didn't need to beat each other down anymore. I didn't get it at the time. I was a teenager and it didn't make much sense. Partially because she had raised me to consider the person, not the gender, to decide what I thought of someone else. Actions speak louder than words. Someone that treats you well whether they look like a Victoria's Secret model or Hillary Clinton should be judged on their actions. But the truth is that women, we judge each other on the most superficial stuff. We don't like a woman who seems too confident. Yet even the most confident woman in the world is still not as confident as the most confident man. We don't like a woman that speaks out of turn, especially around men. Yet, men do it all the time and no one ostracizes them for it. We don't like women that dress nice. Yet, we spend billions of dollars on glam magazines, fashion, shoes, purses, and time picking out just the right outfits. We don't like when other women attract a lot of attention from men. Yet, all of that is based on the archaic belief that the more attractive women will end up with the men who make the most money. Just an hundred years ago, that was the case. Women didn't work and therefore needed to end up with the greatest bread winner. It was horribly matter of fact that the homelier women had less chance of landing the "right" man. We don't like women that speak their minds. Yet, we wonder why men still berate us if we speak our minds. We put down any women that we perceive as better than us in any way, shape, or form. Yet, we profess that we're not jealous. Any one of us, at any time, has been, can be, one of those women.
What's ironic is that most of those women are the product of men. I'm sure Marissa Mayer's mentors, while maybe one or two females have influenced her life, her main mentors have been men. Men who have made her the exception to the rules, made her feel special in her skill set, and more importantly fed her ego compared to other women. She, unlike other women, is definately aware that she is not like other women. Therefore, she can disconnect herself from other women. Is that because of her or the people around her? Double edged sword. Another thing, Marissa Mayer isn't an ugly duckling like Hillary Clinton. Marissa Mayer is an attractive, blonde haired, blue eyed woman. Being attractive can open doors, but I'm sure she, like any other attractive woman, has put up with the snide comments from other women, jealous of her intelligence, looks, the fact that she's confident and can hold her own with men, all reasons that those women would hate her guts. Yet, the real reason to hate her guts--she's sold out other women. And that's got nothing to do with the way she looks, her confidence, her skills, her intellect. Nope. At some point, the abusee becomes the abuser. There's no doubt that coming up the beautiful woman who has to prove that she's not just a pretty face has a lot of obstacles. However Marissa Mayer manuveured them, she blames other women for limiting themselves. Either she has had her head in the sand as she came up the corporate ladder or she has started buying the Corporate America line that work has to be a miserable experience, working yourself to death, and family comes last. Sure, Mitt Romney was a successful business man, with a dedicated family and wife. But anyone that has ever worked in the Corporate machine knows damn well the man wasn't working a straight 40 a week. Women give up a lot, just like men do, to survive crawling in the Corporate America trusses. The attitudes that the men have becomes the same attitudes of the women. The inherent male chauvinism that still permeates the trusses inevitably affects the women in the higher levels--for the best sometimes, but sometimes for the worse.
This is no different than people that hang out in any other organization. Women spend a lot of time tearing each other down instead of building each other up. Not all women, but one thing that any woman can tell you, it only takes one to make all the other women miserable. It's amazing how miserable just one of those women can ruin everyone else's parade. The funniest part is that other women, that might not react as one of those women often will jump on the bandwagon. The reason we're so fascinated with "mean girls" isn't because there are millions of them and everyone has known at least one. The reason that we are so fascinated by them is often they manage to turn other women against each other, turn other women into those women. Men don't turn anyone into something that they are not--men, for all the huffing and puffing, are just who they are. If they are an heinous asshole, they're always a heinous asshole. Might be a smart one or a dumb one, but heinous will come out sooner or later. With women, even the most benign woman when it comes to other women, might jump on the heinous bitch bandwagon just to fit in. Marissa Mayer might be right. We bring that shit on ourselves, because we are willing to immediately start participating in another woman's demise for absolutely no reason or justification on our own observation or experience. And worse yet, even on the say so sometimes of other women that we already know we wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. The next thing you know there's either a divide or an entire entourage jealous, insecure, and tearing other women apart. It's like a cancer.
How do we control those women? We don't. We control ourselves. We recognize women that beat other women down and avoid joining in the reindeer games. And, we definately need to observe control over letting men's opinions--especially since they don't think anything like we do about other women--have too much impact on how we view other women. Men love to look at an attractive woman like Marissa Mayer. I'm absolutely sure that some women that Mayer has worked with made the assumption that only her good looks open certain doors. I'm sure Mayer heard rude comments floated under the breath but just loud enough for her to have to endure, adapt and overcome. At the same time, Mayer engulfed in the corporate trusses with mostly men had to adapt some of their views. Ultimately, all of this turning her on both the women that made the snide comments and the women that were rooting her on. The ability to separate the good women from those women lost on her. All women are beating each other down, all women are shallow, all are quitting Corporate America, because all are those women. It's exhausting and the way of shaking it off is to place blame, and honestly, there's plenty of blame to go around.
How do we place blame? "Ugly up a little. The plain women hate you." We dumb ourselves down when we're smart. We shut up when we are correct or have a better idea or just have an opinion to share because we don't want to seem too eager, too bright, too interesting, too risky, too confident, too, too, too. We do it simply because we are women. No other logic at all--just our sex. Men do not. Men do it because of their personality, or calculated measures, or just because they've decided to. But never just because they don't want to come off as "too". The fear of those women make us consider whether as a woman we should and no other reason has to be offered up. I think Marissa Mayer is the last woman on the planet that should be telling anyone what we should or shouldn't do or how we beat each other down. She's become one of those women, and eventually will be doing volunteer service at a Boys & Girls Club to help young girls reach their potential for all the women that she has insulted, dragged down, or simply hated on because some of those women did the same to her. My advice for what it's worth. Be yourself. Who cares if you're "too" anything? No one ever gives a shit that a man is "too" anything.
My Grams used to say that it was really important for women to start recognizing that we could take care of ourselves and that we didn't need to beat each other down anymore. I didn't get it at the time. I was a teenager and it didn't make much sense. Partially because she had raised me to consider the person, not the gender, to decide what I thought of someone else. Actions speak louder than words. Someone that treats you well whether they look like a Victoria's Secret model or Hillary Clinton should be judged on their actions. But the truth is that women, we judge each other on the most superficial stuff. We don't like a woman who seems too confident. Yet even the most confident woman in the world is still not as confident as the most confident man. We don't like a woman that speaks out of turn, especially around men. Yet, men do it all the time and no one ostracizes them for it. We don't like women that dress nice. Yet, we spend billions of dollars on glam magazines, fashion, shoes, purses, and time picking out just the right outfits. We don't like when other women attract a lot of attention from men. Yet, all of that is based on the archaic belief that the more attractive women will end up with the men who make the most money. Just an hundred years ago, that was the case. Women didn't work and therefore needed to end up with the greatest bread winner. It was horribly matter of fact that the homelier women had less chance of landing the "right" man. We don't like women that speak their minds. Yet, we wonder why men still berate us if we speak our minds. We put down any women that we perceive as better than us in any way, shape, or form. Yet, we profess that we're not jealous. Any one of us, at any time, has been, can be, one of those women.
What's ironic is that most of those women are the product of men. I'm sure Marissa Mayer's mentors, while maybe one or two females have influenced her life, her main mentors have been men. Men who have made her the exception to the rules, made her feel special in her skill set, and more importantly fed her ego compared to other women. She, unlike other women, is definately aware that she is not like other women. Therefore, she can disconnect herself from other women. Is that because of her or the people around her? Double edged sword. Another thing, Marissa Mayer isn't an ugly duckling like Hillary Clinton. Marissa Mayer is an attractive, blonde haired, blue eyed woman. Being attractive can open doors, but I'm sure she, like any other attractive woman, has put up with the snide comments from other women, jealous of her intelligence, looks, the fact that she's confident and can hold her own with men, all reasons that those women would hate her guts. Yet, the real reason to hate her guts--she's sold out other women. And that's got nothing to do with the way she looks, her confidence, her skills, her intellect. Nope. At some point, the abusee becomes the abuser. There's no doubt that coming up the beautiful woman who has to prove that she's not just a pretty face has a lot of obstacles. However Marissa Mayer manuveured them, she blames other women for limiting themselves. Either she has had her head in the sand as she came up the corporate ladder or she has started buying the Corporate America line that work has to be a miserable experience, working yourself to death, and family comes last. Sure, Mitt Romney was a successful business man, with a dedicated family and wife. But anyone that has ever worked in the Corporate machine knows damn well the man wasn't working a straight 40 a week. Women give up a lot, just like men do, to survive crawling in the Corporate America trusses. The attitudes that the men have becomes the same attitudes of the women. The inherent male chauvinism that still permeates the trusses inevitably affects the women in the higher levels--for the best sometimes, but sometimes for the worse.
This is no different than people that hang out in any other organization. Women spend a lot of time tearing each other down instead of building each other up. Not all women, but one thing that any woman can tell you, it only takes one to make all the other women miserable. It's amazing how miserable just one of those women can ruin everyone else's parade. The funniest part is that other women, that might not react as one of those women often will jump on the bandwagon. The reason we're so fascinated with "mean girls" isn't because there are millions of them and everyone has known at least one. The reason that we are so fascinated by them is often they manage to turn other women against each other, turn other women into those women. Men don't turn anyone into something that they are not--men, for all the huffing and puffing, are just who they are. If they are an heinous asshole, they're always a heinous asshole. Might be a smart one or a dumb one, but heinous will come out sooner or later. With women, even the most benign woman when it comes to other women, might jump on the heinous bitch bandwagon just to fit in. Marissa Mayer might be right. We bring that shit on ourselves, because we are willing to immediately start participating in another woman's demise for absolutely no reason or justification on our own observation or experience. And worse yet, even on the say so sometimes of other women that we already know we wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. The next thing you know there's either a divide or an entire entourage jealous, insecure, and tearing other women apart. It's like a cancer.
How do we control those women? We don't. We control ourselves. We recognize women that beat other women down and avoid joining in the reindeer games. And, we definately need to observe control over letting men's opinions--especially since they don't think anything like we do about other women--have too much impact on how we view other women. Men love to look at an attractive woman like Marissa Mayer. I'm absolutely sure that some women that Mayer has worked with made the assumption that only her good looks open certain doors. I'm sure Mayer heard rude comments floated under the breath but just loud enough for her to have to endure, adapt and overcome. At the same time, Mayer engulfed in the corporate trusses with mostly men had to adapt some of their views. Ultimately, all of this turning her on both the women that made the snide comments and the women that were rooting her on. The ability to separate the good women from those women lost on her. All women are beating each other down, all women are shallow, all are quitting Corporate America, because all are those women. It's exhausting and the way of shaking it off is to place blame, and honestly, there's plenty of blame to go around.
How do we place blame? "Ugly up a little. The plain women hate you." We dumb ourselves down when we're smart. We shut up when we are correct or have a better idea or just have an opinion to share because we don't want to seem too eager, too bright, too interesting, too risky, too confident, too, too, too. We do it simply because we are women. No other logic at all--just our sex. Men do not. Men do it because of their personality, or calculated measures, or just because they've decided to. But never just because they don't want to come off as "too". The fear of those women make us consider whether as a woman we should and no other reason has to be offered up. I think Marissa Mayer is the last woman on the planet that should be telling anyone what we should or shouldn't do or how we beat each other down. She's become one of those women, and eventually will be doing volunteer service at a Boys & Girls Club to help young girls reach their potential for all the women that she has insulted, dragged down, or simply hated on because some of those women did the same to her. My advice for what it's worth. Be yourself. Who cares if you're "too" anything? No one ever gives a shit that a man is "too" anything.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Friendship is as friendship does.
Have you ever introduced someone as a "friend" that you barely know? If you barely know them, are they really a friend? The definition of friend if we Google search it:
"A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations."
A bond of mutual affection. Ok, let's face it that is about as vague as someone trying to match a green or red without a swatch of the actual color. There's obviously levels of friendship. We can have best friends--people that are as close and in some cases closer than family. We can have good friends--people that we trust, that we know we can count on and they can count on us. We also have friends--people that we enjoy hanging out with, doing things with, and that we find interesting, fun, et cetera. We also all have acquaintances--people that we know, not really that well, people that we could probably take or leave without a problem. So why would we refer to them as "friends"? Is this logical? Many people say "friend" in reference to people that they don't have any real bond or affection for. Some even use the word for people that they cannot stand. They use the word "friend" like a wadded up paperball being tossed about. They play garbage can basketball with "friend" and ultimately consider tossing it in the trash as the ultimate win. If you've even done this once, then the fault for not having real friends is not on anyone else but yourself. If you treat friendship as if it is disposable at a whim, then you probably don't have any true friends.
Consider where we learn about friendship. The foundation of how we interact with other people is basically formed before we are teenagers, but how we view and approach friendship is defined only partially before our teen years. Between our teens and early 20s, we start to define how we will approach friendship. I saw a post recently by an acquaintance that complained about people only being her friend when they want something. This is a huge complaint by so many high school girls. In high school, they'll go back and forth and they'll continue it into their adult lives. The message is wrong. First, they're not her friends. She shouldn't consider them friends. Friends don't need you to supply them anything. Friends are there not because of what you have, what you can give them, what they can take from you, or how you can benefit them; they're there because of a bond as difficult to describe as different shades of red.
A friend chooses to help when you need it without you asking and they stand by you through thick and thin. I have a good friend who has been backstabbed by many. She's a good heart, straight forward and honest. She's had so-called friends who have turned around and bad-mouthed her. They claim that they know her and actually use "she's a friend" to justify mouthing their opinions of her. I consider this ironic. Friends never bad mouth you to people that would use it against you, and they definately don't bad mouth you so that they can use it against you. While it might happen in high school, true friends don't turn on someone ever. The same people that will turn on a friend when the opportunity arises will turn on anyone. Friends are not looking for that opportunity, have no intention of taking it, and more importantly, will defend you through any storm. Friends may not always agree with you, but they will never attack you from behind.
Another favorite thing "friends" in high school do is trying to get everyone on their side, in their clique, in their little group and alienate the people that they don't like. I've observed this over the years over and over in various organizations that I've been in. Peer pressure not to like a person isn't friendship. Friends don't have to choose your friends for you and mature adults don't actually try to alienate anyone like they're still in high school. I had a friend one time warn me that someone I didn't particularly care for would be at their birthday party. Just because I'm not friends with someone is no reason that I should pressure my friends to not be friends with someone. If someone tells us who we should or shouldn't be friends with or tries to turn us on someone, then we have to decide two things. One, can we think for ourselves? If the answer to that is yes, then is the person pressuring me really my friend? A friend doesn't care, isn't jealous or insecure, because you have other friends. Friends respect the fact that you are your own person and understand that just because a personality doesn't work with them, doesn't mean that personality doesn't work with you. High school friendships are often black and white, and thus why very few friends from high school remain friends as they mature. The world is not a simple black and white. It's not even shades of grey. It's full of different colors and each person has their own unique shade that their friendship might add to our lives. A real friend wouldn't want you to miss out.
Over the years, I've had people that I have considered friends and good friends that have lied to me, manipulated me, used me, backstabbed me or otherwise. It hasn't kept me from letting new friends into my life, but it definately made me realize that some people consider their friendships highly disposable. I'm a pretty honest, straight forward person. I am aware that some people don't appreciate that, and I'm alright with it. If I call someone a friend, then I mean friend. If they screw me over, then they revert to acquaintances. Depending on if they were friends, good friends or best friends though, I may never acknowledge them again. I've only had one "best" friend screw me over and I chalked it up as a learning experience. I wouldn't acknowledge her if she was on fire. I've had a few "good" friends that have stabbed me in the back or used my friendship to their own benefit. In general, I have nothing really to say to them either. I might be polite, but I would generally leave the niceties to not saying anything at all. I've had friends, that turned out to be so-called. I would be polite and have a friendly conversation with them, but that would be the extent of it.
Why would the friends who screwed me over get more respect than those that earned my trust to be considered "good" or even a "best" friend? The keyword in that question is trust. I've never understood when someone says of a friend, "I don't trust him (her)." If we don't trust someone, why would we make them a regular part of our lives? We have to interact all the time with people that we might not trust. We don't trust all the people we work with. We don't necessarily trust our lawyer or doctor. We might not even trust people in our own family, but we often are stuck with them. We are not actually stuck with friends that we don't trust. The definition of friend, a mutual affection or bond, cannot even exist without some amount of trust. When someone breaks that trust, we have two options. One, stay their "friend" knowing that they are not trustworthy. Two, end the friendship. Neither actually requires us to speak to them about the friendship. Their actions have spoken loud enough. We can remain polite, unless the trust that was broken was too heinous not to be confronted, and no one but us is the wiser. But we must acknowledge to ourselves that we know they are not really friends. Why? Because if we don't, we allow the fact that they devalue friendship to affect how we value our other friends. Sometimes for the better, but often for the worse.
Friendship is as friendship does. To be someone's friend, you don't just say it. It requires trust and your actions must earn that trust. I've always said I feel very blessed to have so many good, great and best friends. If you don't have good, great and best friend bonds, people that are like family, have earned your trust and where you have earned theirs, then although I feel very bad for you, look at the people you surround yourself with. Are you surrounded with good people that treat others as they would be treated? Are you surrounded with people who are honest and open minded? Or do the people you hang around expect you to join the click? Treat others that they don't like disrespectfully? Act like they should be the only friends that you can have? Consistently put others down when they're not sitting there to defend themselves? Do they say they didn't want to be involved but chose a side anyway? You can't make good friends in a nest of vipers; snakes have no friends. No one can have any real friends until one understands what it means to be a friend.
"A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations."
A bond of mutual affection. Ok, let's face it that is about as vague as someone trying to match a green or red without a swatch of the actual color. There's obviously levels of friendship. We can have best friends--people that are as close and in some cases closer than family. We can have good friends--people that we trust, that we know we can count on and they can count on us. We also have friends--people that we enjoy hanging out with, doing things with, and that we find interesting, fun, et cetera. We also all have acquaintances--people that we know, not really that well, people that we could probably take or leave without a problem. So why would we refer to them as "friends"? Is this logical? Many people say "friend" in reference to people that they don't have any real bond or affection for. Some even use the word for people that they cannot stand. They use the word "friend" like a wadded up paperball being tossed about. They play garbage can basketball with "friend" and ultimately consider tossing it in the trash as the ultimate win. If you've even done this once, then the fault for not having real friends is not on anyone else but yourself. If you treat friendship as if it is disposable at a whim, then you probably don't have any true friends.
Consider where we learn about friendship. The foundation of how we interact with other people is basically formed before we are teenagers, but how we view and approach friendship is defined only partially before our teen years. Between our teens and early 20s, we start to define how we will approach friendship. I saw a post recently by an acquaintance that complained about people only being her friend when they want something. This is a huge complaint by so many high school girls. In high school, they'll go back and forth and they'll continue it into their adult lives. The message is wrong. First, they're not her friends. She shouldn't consider them friends. Friends don't need you to supply them anything. Friends are there not because of what you have, what you can give them, what they can take from you, or how you can benefit them; they're there because of a bond as difficult to describe as different shades of red.
A friend chooses to help when you need it without you asking and they stand by you through thick and thin. I have a good friend who has been backstabbed by many. She's a good heart, straight forward and honest. She's had so-called friends who have turned around and bad-mouthed her. They claim that they know her and actually use "she's a friend" to justify mouthing their opinions of her. I consider this ironic. Friends never bad mouth you to people that would use it against you, and they definately don't bad mouth you so that they can use it against you. While it might happen in high school, true friends don't turn on someone ever. The same people that will turn on a friend when the opportunity arises will turn on anyone. Friends are not looking for that opportunity, have no intention of taking it, and more importantly, will defend you through any storm. Friends may not always agree with you, but they will never attack you from behind.
Another favorite thing "friends" in high school do is trying to get everyone on their side, in their clique, in their little group and alienate the people that they don't like. I've observed this over the years over and over in various organizations that I've been in. Peer pressure not to like a person isn't friendship. Friends don't have to choose your friends for you and mature adults don't actually try to alienate anyone like they're still in high school. I had a friend one time warn me that someone I didn't particularly care for would be at their birthday party. Just because I'm not friends with someone is no reason that I should pressure my friends to not be friends with someone. If someone tells us who we should or shouldn't be friends with or tries to turn us on someone, then we have to decide two things. One, can we think for ourselves? If the answer to that is yes, then is the person pressuring me really my friend? A friend doesn't care, isn't jealous or insecure, because you have other friends. Friends respect the fact that you are your own person and understand that just because a personality doesn't work with them, doesn't mean that personality doesn't work with you. High school friendships are often black and white, and thus why very few friends from high school remain friends as they mature. The world is not a simple black and white. It's not even shades of grey. It's full of different colors and each person has their own unique shade that their friendship might add to our lives. A real friend wouldn't want you to miss out.
Over the years, I've had people that I have considered friends and good friends that have lied to me, manipulated me, used me, backstabbed me or otherwise. It hasn't kept me from letting new friends into my life, but it definately made me realize that some people consider their friendships highly disposable. I'm a pretty honest, straight forward person. I am aware that some people don't appreciate that, and I'm alright with it. If I call someone a friend, then I mean friend. If they screw me over, then they revert to acquaintances. Depending on if they were friends, good friends or best friends though, I may never acknowledge them again. I've only had one "best" friend screw me over and I chalked it up as a learning experience. I wouldn't acknowledge her if she was on fire. I've had a few "good" friends that have stabbed me in the back or used my friendship to their own benefit. In general, I have nothing really to say to them either. I might be polite, but I would generally leave the niceties to not saying anything at all. I've had friends, that turned out to be so-called. I would be polite and have a friendly conversation with them, but that would be the extent of it.
Why would the friends who screwed me over get more respect than those that earned my trust to be considered "good" or even a "best" friend? The keyword in that question is trust. I've never understood when someone says of a friend, "I don't trust him (her)." If we don't trust someone, why would we make them a regular part of our lives? We have to interact all the time with people that we might not trust. We don't trust all the people we work with. We don't necessarily trust our lawyer or doctor. We might not even trust people in our own family, but we often are stuck with them. We are not actually stuck with friends that we don't trust. The definition of friend, a mutual affection or bond, cannot even exist without some amount of trust. When someone breaks that trust, we have two options. One, stay their "friend" knowing that they are not trustworthy. Two, end the friendship. Neither actually requires us to speak to them about the friendship. Their actions have spoken loud enough. We can remain polite, unless the trust that was broken was too heinous not to be confronted, and no one but us is the wiser. But we must acknowledge to ourselves that we know they are not really friends. Why? Because if we don't, we allow the fact that they devalue friendship to affect how we value our other friends. Sometimes for the better, but often for the worse.
Friendship is as friendship does. To be someone's friend, you don't just say it. It requires trust and your actions must earn that trust. I've always said I feel very blessed to have so many good, great and best friends. If you don't have good, great and best friend bonds, people that are like family, have earned your trust and where you have earned theirs, then although I feel very bad for you, look at the people you surround yourself with. Are you surrounded with good people that treat others as they would be treated? Are you surrounded with people who are honest and open minded? Or do the people you hang around expect you to join the click? Treat others that they don't like disrespectfully? Act like they should be the only friends that you can have? Consistently put others down when they're not sitting there to defend themselves? Do they say they didn't want to be involved but chose a side anyway? You can't make good friends in a nest of vipers; snakes have no friends. No one can have any real friends until one understands what it means to be a friend.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
It's shiny happy people or the black hole. Your choice.
One of my really good friends suggested a blog about teasing versus insults. I thought about it most of yesterday. My boyfriend and I since we got back together have been pretty mushy. We'll post little Facebook eCards with mushy messages on each other's timelines or "brag" how lucky or happy we are. Every so often, someone posts a comment like "get a room", "enough already", or something similar. It's funny. Sometimes we post back to the commenter. In one case, I replied that "Happiness is infectious just like misery loves company. I think I'd rather spread happiness than misery. LOL." I suspect the person who read that and then posted to my Timeline about me not being able to take a teasing took it personally. Can't really see any other reason to post that I can't take a teasing unless this person thought I was insinuating that they spread misery. Perhaps, based on this person's response, they view themselves as spreading misery. I don't really know the person that well, so I can't comment on whether that would be the thought process behind the post. What I know is that my baby sis, my sisters and my good friends thought it was insulting. Frankly, so did I. If it had been posted to the comments of the original post, I don't know if it would've been as insulting, but it probably wouldn't have been on every one of my friends' Newsfeeds. I know out of context, just up on my Timeline, it was inappropriate. I had thought after the first couple responses, the post-er would delete it. No. So, I finally deleted it for the person. I know a couple more of my friends saw it and were planning on commenting when they got home from work (one asked what happened to it this morning because she wanted to comment). I'd prefer that misery ends after a couple of my friends vented and showed me a lot of love. So teasing versus insults. It's not like anyone doesn't know the difference. I could blog about it, but truth is in retrospect if the person who posted it doesn't realize it was insulting, no amount of words would ever change that. People that insult others either are completely clueless or are going to act completely clueless. A blog on it would be wasted.
On the other hand, "happiness is infectious just like misery loves company." It's the truth. Smiling is infectious. Being around happy people tends to make you happier. Being happy tends to breed more happiness. Even a bad day can turn around with just the right person smiling at you and telling you a stupid joke. Women tend to vent more than men do, but we vent we move on. That doesn't have anything to do with happiness. Women will "vent" that they got the best deal on a pair of shoes. We tend to be very verbal creatures. Men don't usually vent. But whether a man talks or not, again, has little to do with happiness. Happiness is a state of being that you choose. It's easy to be unhappy. It really is just as easy to be happy. Unhappiness is created when you don't know what you want, or you're focused on something you can't have, you're always wanting more, you perceive that you don't have enough of something--attention, money, friends, love, prestige, power, whatever, you're jealous of someone else or something else. Then unhappy, you complain about what you don't have, what others do have, eventually even what you perceive or guess is something that you don't have or that others do have. The complaining draws everyone into your unhappiness. Think about it? How many times have you listened to someone complain, and next thing you know a complaint, even perhaps months old, comes flying out of your mouth? So the people who listened to you are unhappy, and out comes their unhappy. There's always something unhappy in everyone's life. Always. It's a choice to focus on the good or the bad. Eventually if you're always focusing on the bad, that's all that comes out of your thoughts, mind and mouth. Unfortunately, the saying "misery loves company" is more about warning us to not get sucked into it. Don't get me wrong. We all should have good friends to lean on and be unhappy when we need to. It's human nature. But lerking there and letting it consume you will only make you alone and miserable in the end.
Happiness is just as easy. Yes, really. Chris and I were broke up for a couple of months. I still had fun and made the most of it with the people around me. I confided in a couple of friends, but overall, I tried to stay happy and focused on the good things. That's not always easy. Some people relish in other people's misery. It's hard staying positive and upbeat in a fish bowl. Surrounding yourself with miserable people or putting yourself in a position to be around people that relish in others' misery, all of that can just add to your misery. Even the happiest person on earth can't pull it off under those circumstances. Sometimes, happiness is just telling yourself that you're going to survive. I told myself I would survive and it would all work itself out. It did. No matter what, everything always works itself out if you have no expectation of how it's going to work itself out. I never thought that Chris and I were getting back together the weekend we did. Chris calls it his "brain dead" moment. I don't call it anything. Shit happens and I had no expectation of it working itself out the way it did. I had hoped that at bare minimum we could be friends, but at first events made it so I wasn't even open to that idea. By the time the weekend was over, I figured that no matter what it would work out for the best--no friendship, just friends or even if we ended up back together. Happy people tell themselves everything happens for a reason. You move on and keep your chin up. Miserable people think that this is what I want and how can I get it. You can't get it. Simple. Misery is caused by wanting something or someone you can't have for whatever reason. That's not that you can't have goals and expectations of achieving those goals. I've always set goals for myself. I achieve my goals, but setbacks don't devastate me. Why? Because I know what's meant to be will work itself out. Therefore a setback requires another way of looking at the problem, re-evaluating the direction. In some cases, it might not even be the direction that's the best for our happiness. Happiness is easiest to achieve when you understand everything around you is fluid, and adjustments, changes, even complete course changes might happen.
Some say we learn from our failures as well as our successes. Truth is sometimes we learn more from our failures than our successes. But sometimes, we learn the most about ourselves from the least expected places and times with no value of failure or success. I jumped out of an airplane once. Not because I was an adrenaline junkie or to prove I could or for the ex-boyfriend that got the jump for me for my birthday. (He got it for me because I asked although he tried to convince me to try it for months.) I was talking to a CPA from Atlanta who came to the jump site about twice to four times a month. We talked and she asked me why I didn't try it. "I'm not an adrenaline junkie," I told her.
She nodded and said, "that's not why I jump either." She had my attention. Everyone else always made a big deal out of the adrenaline. They needed that high. I asked her why she did then. "I learn something new about myself every time I get out of that airplane."
I was intrigued. What could I possibly learn about myself in a few seconds of freefall? She was right, for one. I learned a whole LOT about myself. Next, I'm a hell of a lot braver than I thought I was. I learned that I had a falling sensation that most people don't experience--no flying sensation--but the falling sensation wasn't like falling to the ground either. I felt the gravity pulling and that feeling you get when you are coming down on a trampoline. I learned that the adrenaline was almost too much for my taste; it took hours for me to stop shaking from the rush. I learned that I love the wind in my hair, my boys are everything to me, and I have a great life. Really, a great life. Life isn't about expectations of what you can get, take, or make. A great life is about enjoying life. You can work yourself to death, you can beat yourself up because you don't have money, because you don't have the "love of your life" or because you don't know what direction you want to take. But all of that, if you just let up the reigns and live, it all works itself out. Sometimes not the way you had thought, but that's part of the beauty of life sometimes. Some of the best things that happen to anyone of us are the things that we never imagined.
I'm a little saddened that the response "Happiness is infectious but misery loves company. I'd rather spread happiness than misery. LOL" might have made someone think they spread misery enough to accuse me of not being able to take a joke. I don't see how anyone could interpret it that way, but when I've been totally miserable I re-focused myself. I did volunteer work. The lowest low was with a physically abusive ex-boyfriend, who finally went far enough to hospitalize me, and I knew I had to walk away from the relationship. I was devastated, but instead of wallowing away in it, I took it as an adjustment. A time to help other women in the same situations and re-focus my life on my boys, my friends and family, and my schooling. Happiness was still there, even when the lows would cause tears or frustration. Expectation that everything would work itself out meant that I could still be happy about other things and not drown in my own frustration. Happiness or misery. It's a choice. It's your choice which you are. Just remember happiness breeds like misery does. Surround yourself with happy people and you'll find it comes to you easier. Misery definately loves company and will suck you into the black hole if you let it.
On the other hand, "happiness is infectious just like misery loves company." It's the truth. Smiling is infectious. Being around happy people tends to make you happier. Being happy tends to breed more happiness. Even a bad day can turn around with just the right person smiling at you and telling you a stupid joke. Women tend to vent more than men do, but we vent we move on. That doesn't have anything to do with happiness. Women will "vent" that they got the best deal on a pair of shoes. We tend to be very verbal creatures. Men don't usually vent. But whether a man talks or not, again, has little to do with happiness. Happiness is a state of being that you choose. It's easy to be unhappy. It really is just as easy to be happy. Unhappiness is created when you don't know what you want, or you're focused on something you can't have, you're always wanting more, you perceive that you don't have enough of something--attention, money, friends, love, prestige, power, whatever, you're jealous of someone else or something else. Then unhappy, you complain about what you don't have, what others do have, eventually even what you perceive or guess is something that you don't have or that others do have. The complaining draws everyone into your unhappiness. Think about it? How many times have you listened to someone complain, and next thing you know a complaint, even perhaps months old, comes flying out of your mouth? So the people who listened to you are unhappy, and out comes their unhappy. There's always something unhappy in everyone's life. Always. It's a choice to focus on the good or the bad. Eventually if you're always focusing on the bad, that's all that comes out of your thoughts, mind and mouth. Unfortunately, the saying "misery loves company" is more about warning us to not get sucked into it. Don't get me wrong. We all should have good friends to lean on and be unhappy when we need to. It's human nature. But lerking there and letting it consume you will only make you alone and miserable in the end.
Happiness is just as easy. Yes, really. Chris and I were broke up for a couple of months. I still had fun and made the most of it with the people around me. I confided in a couple of friends, but overall, I tried to stay happy and focused on the good things. That's not always easy. Some people relish in other people's misery. It's hard staying positive and upbeat in a fish bowl. Surrounding yourself with miserable people or putting yourself in a position to be around people that relish in others' misery, all of that can just add to your misery. Even the happiest person on earth can't pull it off under those circumstances. Sometimes, happiness is just telling yourself that you're going to survive. I told myself I would survive and it would all work itself out. It did. No matter what, everything always works itself out if you have no expectation of how it's going to work itself out. I never thought that Chris and I were getting back together the weekend we did. Chris calls it his "brain dead" moment. I don't call it anything. Shit happens and I had no expectation of it working itself out the way it did. I had hoped that at bare minimum we could be friends, but at first events made it so I wasn't even open to that idea. By the time the weekend was over, I figured that no matter what it would work out for the best--no friendship, just friends or even if we ended up back together. Happy people tell themselves everything happens for a reason. You move on and keep your chin up. Miserable people think that this is what I want and how can I get it. You can't get it. Simple. Misery is caused by wanting something or someone you can't have for whatever reason. That's not that you can't have goals and expectations of achieving those goals. I've always set goals for myself. I achieve my goals, but setbacks don't devastate me. Why? Because I know what's meant to be will work itself out. Therefore a setback requires another way of looking at the problem, re-evaluating the direction. In some cases, it might not even be the direction that's the best for our happiness. Happiness is easiest to achieve when you understand everything around you is fluid, and adjustments, changes, even complete course changes might happen.
Some say we learn from our failures as well as our successes. Truth is sometimes we learn more from our failures than our successes. But sometimes, we learn the most about ourselves from the least expected places and times with no value of failure or success. I jumped out of an airplane once. Not because I was an adrenaline junkie or to prove I could or for the ex-boyfriend that got the jump for me for my birthday. (He got it for me because I asked although he tried to convince me to try it for months.) I was talking to a CPA from Atlanta who came to the jump site about twice to four times a month. We talked and she asked me why I didn't try it. "I'm not an adrenaline junkie," I told her.
She nodded and said, "that's not why I jump either." She had my attention. Everyone else always made a big deal out of the adrenaline. They needed that high. I asked her why she did then. "I learn something new about myself every time I get out of that airplane."
I was intrigued. What could I possibly learn about myself in a few seconds of freefall? She was right, for one. I learned a whole LOT about myself. Next, I'm a hell of a lot braver than I thought I was. I learned that I had a falling sensation that most people don't experience--no flying sensation--but the falling sensation wasn't like falling to the ground either. I felt the gravity pulling and that feeling you get when you are coming down on a trampoline. I learned that the adrenaline was almost too much for my taste; it took hours for me to stop shaking from the rush. I learned that I love the wind in my hair, my boys are everything to me, and I have a great life. Really, a great life. Life isn't about expectations of what you can get, take, or make. A great life is about enjoying life. You can work yourself to death, you can beat yourself up because you don't have money, because you don't have the "love of your life" or because you don't know what direction you want to take. But all of that, if you just let up the reigns and live, it all works itself out. Sometimes not the way you had thought, but that's part of the beauty of life sometimes. Some of the best things that happen to anyone of us are the things that we never imagined.
I'm a little saddened that the response "Happiness is infectious but misery loves company. I'd rather spread happiness than misery. LOL" might have made someone think they spread misery enough to accuse me of not being able to take a joke. I don't see how anyone could interpret it that way, but when I've been totally miserable I re-focused myself. I did volunteer work. The lowest low was with a physically abusive ex-boyfriend, who finally went far enough to hospitalize me, and I knew I had to walk away from the relationship. I was devastated, but instead of wallowing away in it, I took it as an adjustment. A time to help other women in the same situations and re-focus my life on my boys, my friends and family, and my schooling. Happiness was still there, even when the lows would cause tears or frustration. Expectation that everything would work itself out meant that I could still be happy about other things and not drown in my own frustration. Happiness or misery. It's a choice. It's your choice which you are. Just remember happiness breeds like misery does. Surround yourself with happy people and you'll find it comes to you easier. Misery definately loves company and will suck you into the black hole if you let it.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Put your damn boots on...or not
"The truth eventually comes out." Ain't that the truth? The truth always, always, comes out, but usually, not near as fast as a lie will perpetuate itself. At a certain point, I realized the best way to combat lies is to toot off the truth in contrast and try to ensure that both sides, the lie and the truth, are there for everyone to consider. The problem with that is it's exhausting work. Liars will tell everyone their story. Truth tellers generally tell only the people that matter--either to them or in the situation. The lies inevitably dance around the room, while the truth sits like a wall flower on the sides engaging only certain conversations.
It seems counterintuitive. We all like to say we know the "truth", yet we'll say things like "there's three sides to every story." This side, that side and the "truth somewhere in the middle". But the reality is there's always a side that is mostly true and one that is mostly not. So, the truth isn't anywhere near the middle. My friend Mary told me about another friend of hers that has been dealing with a liar. A man she works with has been telling lies to her boss and costing her on her evaluations. He's not trustworthy and she has to verify that he's completed what he's supposed to have done. Still, the guy is trying to get her job. My friend's advice to her was maybe to "cozy" up to the guy, play nice, try and win him over. The whole get more bees with honey. I laughed. Bees have stingers, so who the hell wants bees?!?! My advice, from experience, nothing is going to change a liar. Ever. The only effective way to make a leopard change its spots would be with bleach and painstaking scrubbing. Not worth the effort. Instead, since her friend is honest and in a position of authority, make sure that the boss starts seeing what kind of person the guy is. Don't let him bait her. That's what he does and especially if he has an audience. He intentionally baits her with lies, and then when she's upset because of the lies, he puts them in a "public" setting where she looks like the bad guy. I can totally relate. Being an overly honest person (not sure why being overly honest is a bad thing) can be difficult. My Grams used to say "choose your battles". For an honest person dealing with a liar, often the way we deal with it is to walk away. In this case, she needs to walk away, but unfortunately she needs to make sure she lets the boss know what this guy is failing at. Right now, she's upset because her boss thinks she's having the problems because this guy complains. She figures it's lies and her work should speak for itself. Sounds logical, but the real truth is that the truth usually doesn't come out until after liars get their way.
Liars don't care what the truth is, and honestly, neither do most people. If we cared what the truth was, we would watch the cable channel that covers the House and the Senate whenever they are in session so that we could decide for ourselves. Instead most people trust the media to tell them what the truth is. Their version anyway. Sensationalism is the name of the game. Liars count on people wanting a version of the story tossed up for their listening pleasure like a soap opera. People love bandwagons. If everyone else believes it, they damn well should also. Doesn't mean it's true, but doesn't matter at that point. Who cares? It's a great story. The honest person sits back and waits for the truth to come out. Or walks away and waits for the truth to come out. But by the time the truth comes out the lies are the only stories anyone remembers. Think about it. How many times have you heard someone telling or relaying a story and someone correct them and the response be "oh, I didn't know that"? Then, they move on to the next story. The truth was the punchline that fell flat.
I'd like to say that since I know the truth should be tooted off as much as the lies that I always do so. But like I said earlier, keeping up with someone else's lies is exhausting work. I simply don't have that much time in my days to waste. I've tried before. On top of being exhausting, it's frustrating. Nothing is more frustrating to an honest person than dishonest people. Trying to keep up with dishonest people to make sure that the truth is out there is like getting wisdom teeth pulled. It's painful, can be bloody, and a lot of people don't understand what your saying. Winston Churchill said, "A lie will go around the world twice while the truth is putting its boots on." Yep. Because a lie will perpetuate itself while the truth has to be told over and over again. Who the hell has the time and energy to waste on that? Hell, now I need a nap just thinking about it.
It seems counterintuitive. We all like to say we know the "truth", yet we'll say things like "there's three sides to every story." This side, that side and the "truth somewhere in the middle". But the reality is there's always a side that is mostly true and one that is mostly not. So, the truth isn't anywhere near the middle. My friend Mary told me about another friend of hers that has been dealing with a liar. A man she works with has been telling lies to her boss and costing her on her evaluations. He's not trustworthy and she has to verify that he's completed what he's supposed to have done. Still, the guy is trying to get her job. My friend's advice to her was maybe to "cozy" up to the guy, play nice, try and win him over. The whole get more bees with honey. I laughed. Bees have stingers, so who the hell wants bees?!?! My advice, from experience, nothing is going to change a liar. Ever. The only effective way to make a leopard change its spots would be with bleach and painstaking scrubbing. Not worth the effort. Instead, since her friend is honest and in a position of authority, make sure that the boss starts seeing what kind of person the guy is. Don't let him bait her. That's what he does and especially if he has an audience. He intentionally baits her with lies, and then when she's upset because of the lies, he puts them in a "public" setting where she looks like the bad guy. I can totally relate. Being an overly honest person (not sure why being overly honest is a bad thing) can be difficult. My Grams used to say "choose your battles". For an honest person dealing with a liar, often the way we deal with it is to walk away. In this case, she needs to walk away, but unfortunately she needs to make sure she lets the boss know what this guy is failing at. Right now, she's upset because her boss thinks she's having the problems because this guy complains. She figures it's lies and her work should speak for itself. Sounds logical, but the real truth is that the truth usually doesn't come out until after liars get their way.
Liars don't care what the truth is, and honestly, neither do most people. If we cared what the truth was, we would watch the cable channel that covers the House and the Senate whenever they are in session so that we could decide for ourselves. Instead most people trust the media to tell them what the truth is. Their version anyway. Sensationalism is the name of the game. Liars count on people wanting a version of the story tossed up for their listening pleasure like a soap opera. People love bandwagons. If everyone else believes it, they damn well should also. Doesn't mean it's true, but doesn't matter at that point. Who cares? It's a great story. The honest person sits back and waits for the truth to come out. Or walks away and waits for the truth to come out. But by the time the truth comes out the lies are the only stories anyone remembers. Think about it. How many times have you heard someone telling or relaying a story and someone correct them and the response be "oh, I didn't know that"? Then, they move on to the next story. The truth was the punchline that fell flat.
I'd like to say that since I know the truth should be tooted off as much as the lies that I always do so. But like I said earlier, keeping up with someone else's lies is exhausting work. I simply don't have that much time in my days to waste. I've tried before. On top of being exhausting, it's frustrating. Nothing is more frustrating to an honest person than dishonest people. Trying to keep up with dishonest people to make sure that the truth is out there is like getting wisdom teeth pulled. It's painful, can be bloody, and a lot of people don't understand what your saying. Winston Churchill said, "A lie will go around the world twice while the truth is putting its boots on." Yep. Because a lie will perpetuate itself while the truth has to be told over and over again. Who the hell has the time and energy to waste on that? Hell, now I need a nap just thinking about it.
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