The "Confederate" Flag is such big news after a disturbed young man committed mass murder, there is just no way to ignore it. Here in South Carolina, there are so many people wanting to keep the flag where it's at. I'm not even sure why. It's not the Confederate Flag. It's the Battle Flag of the Army of Northern Virginia, the unit of General Lee. It's not the flag for South Carolina. It's not the Battle Flag of the Army of South Carolina. Of course, it's just a flag when it comes right down to it. But as we all know, the flag of any country or state or ideal can take on a life of its own. "Don't Tread on Me" is a flag that sparks all kinds of American pride and reminds us of our fight for our Independence. The snake cut into 13 pieces representing the divided we fall and together we were tired of unfair treatment comes into many people's minds when they hear those words even if they don't know the history behind the it or even the details of the flag. For many, the Virginia Battle Flag has become a symbol of heritage, but for many it has also become a dark reminder of the oppression of two centuries now gone by. We don't need to debate either of those opinions. That is what the opinions are.
First, as I pointed out, it is not South Carolina's Battle Flag, aka. The Sovereignty Flag or Seccession Flag. So using the Virginia flag to honor South Carolina Civil War veterans is kind of like honoring Army Airborne veterans with The Air Force Academy flag. It's really not about heritage unless we're in Virginia, because the true heritage is represented by a totally different flag. That being stated, it is a flag that the Ku Klux Klan used quite freely as a symbol of white authority and black oppression. It is a symbol that has even been further embraced by the Neo-Nazis of the entire planet of white supremacy. It's offensive to so many people. It's not the flag's fault, but once that bell was rung, there is no unringing it. When I have friends that insist it's about heritage, I cringe. I know they think it is, but it isn't. They've lived with that story most if not all of their lives. It was a story that South Carolina perpetuated by writing their own history books for their schools. I never quite understood why. Of course, those school books were written when the Klan ruled. They were still being used just a decade ago. Everything before the Civil War was great; everything after was great. And the Civil War was the War of Northern Aggression. The Civil War was about States' Rights. Well, yes, but it was about one single state right--slavery. Of course, since only 10% of the whites owned slaves in the South and the same owned all the newspapers of the time, it's not hard to see how easily the actual slave owners could convince the masses otherwise. There was no Virginia Battle Flag so prominently displayed initially after the War. It wasn't until the 1920s that most of the Confederate memorials even displayed that particular flag. South Carolina was even a little miffed during the 4 years of the Confederacy because they had been the first to succeed from the Union. Why would Virginia's flag be on the Confederacy flag? There were several iterations of the Confederacy Flag during those years and many of the suggested had the Virginia Battle Flag incorporated using Richmond as the justification. South Carolina was appalled because they had been the first to secede from the Union. They were insulted, but all that history has been lost. All that is left is a systemic attempt to intimidate and create a sub-culture of acceptance of white supremacy united under a flag that some people have just accepted as a Southern thing.
OK, so flag aside. Racism is not a Southern thing. I have very vivid memories growing up all over this country of racists all over the place. Ohio, Michigan, California, Georgia, New York, New Jersey, Florida. I served in the United States Navy with people I would classify as racists from all those states and from Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri, pretty much name the state. The Ku Klux Klan may have held on to power in the South for the better portion of a century, but the original "million man" march was the organized and walked down the same road up to Capitol Hill in the 1920s. Yes. Klan was prevalent all over the United States then. There were branches of the Klan all over this country and they were considered perfectly acceptable. People didn't rent to "coloreds". As I've said before, my grandparents rented exclusively to blacks. My grandmother was often chastised by her friends. She started calling them blacks because that was what she was told by one that they preferred. Her friends chastised her for even caring. White Northerners moved out of neighborhoods with just as much racism and hatred if a black family bought or rented there. They made threatening phone calls and burned crosses. There were race riots in the United States in the 1960s in Southern California, Detroit, Chicago, the Bay Area, not just the Deep South. All the people pointing fingers at the little state of South Carolina need to take a long, and I mean LONG, look in the mirror of their own history. My father and mother were threatened in Detroit and Toledo and in towns all along the Pennsylvania Turnpike when they would travel. Those that think that they've come so far need only to see the race riots in Missouri recently to know that it is not a Deep South problem. It is an all over the United States thing.
In no way am I advocating keeping the Virginia Battle Flag over any Confederate dead or memorials, unless veterans of the Northern Virginia Army during the Civil War. I think it is a travesty that manipulative organizations or organization skewed the meaning of one flag to create a symbol of oppression. And make no mistake, Robert E. Lee himself would be mortified. He was the original general that Lincoln offered the position to lead the Union Army to get SC back in line. He considered it, even after Virginia split over the whole thing--creating West Virginia even. Finally, he responded that he could not in good conscience go against his state. Would he have lead the Union Army if Virginia had chosen a different course of action? We will never know. If it had been the case, it would most likely be the South Carolina Battle Flag which would be a racist symbol today. Of course, bless us, it is not. It is truly an emblem of the men who died for a cause that they believed in whether it was or wasn't misguided. It is the flag that should be flown over all SC Civil War memorials. Those memorials should also include the United States flag. Ultimately, the goal might have been to save the Union or leave the Union, but the secession proved two things: A nation for the people by the people will not perish from the Earth and for all our differences we are all Americans.
As far as the racist question, the Virginia Battle Flag didn't choose to be the emblem it became, but ultimately, no emblem has ever chosen itself. The ramifications that it was the chosen emblem are not its fault, but it has come to represent a bitter past that while it flies reminds us that too many people haven't learned from the past. I remember pictures of lynchings that my grandmother had clipped. That Virginia Battle Flag there. The Civil War was over. We had fought two World Wars that had really nothing to do with us for freedom. The flag became the emblem of the quiet ugly war hidden behind sheets that was taking place day in and day out for some people in this country. Not just in the Deep South. EVERYWHERE. The 1960s Civil Rights movement focused on the South because it was the place where the racist rhetoric was more out in the open, but I remember the blacks riding in the back of the bus in Ohio and California. Not by choice, but because it was easier than arguing the point and eventually as some kind of badge of honor. Regardless, it was everywhere. Every state. Point the finger at South Carolina all any of you like. Look at how you view the areas in your own city or state that are a majority of minorities, a majority of blacks. Look at how realtors still steer people in many areas to where they will be "socially acceptable". These are real issues because some of you still look at anyone other than white moving into your neighborhood as a travesty or "there goes the neighborhood".
Sure that can be the case I guess, but it becomes the proverbial chicken and egg right? Did the neighborhood go downhill because one black family moved in or because everyone that was living there bailed at a lower price before "there went the neighborhood":? I don't know the answer. I'm not researching it because I don't care. I really don't. I'm just as bad as other people saying I don't care and I'm not going to research it because I really don't care. If a black engineer moves into my neighborhood with his middle class kids, I'm not going to care. I'm going to completely freak out if it's a pregnant single woman with 5 kids and 6 baby daddies collecting welfare, regardless of color.
What I care about is that the wounds that torment this country and how we get viewed by other countries. We are so young in the grand scheme of things, just over a couple centuries. How we react to this symbol, regardless of what we would like to think of it representing, speaks volumes about who we are, how far we have come and far how we have to go. I'm praying that our country starts acknowledging that every state still has issues and that this emblem is the least of the problem. I'm also hoping that South Carolinians lead this charge. The Virginia Battle Flag is not representative of the men who fought for South Carolina. It is very representative of a silent war against minorities. While its removal from any place is only a tiny gesture compared to the bigger problem, it is taking off the tip of the iceberg and putting the focus back on the real problem. We still have some racial issues to overcome. A silly flag that the men of South Carolina did not fight for should not be one of them.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Monday, June 22, 2015
"Be polite, but you don't have to make conversation."
Over the years, I've noticed that some people will lie about the most mundane things. Not that it's my business or anyone else's business if someone wants to maintain their privacy. If it's not hurting anyone, the privacy one keeps should be defined by them. Not everyone compartmentalizes like I do. I simply only allow what I feel comfortable with out. I'll tell you all kinds of things about myself that seem like I'm an open book. Yet, those that know me really well know that there is a lot of stuff I hold back. When I had surgery, I didn't really tell anyone. Not even my boys. I just don't like the idea of worrying a lot of people. I didn't tell anyone that knew about it too much either. I honestly preferred not to think about it too much. What little I did tell was usually minimizing it because I preferred to think of it as small rather than large. Still, even if I thought it was none of someone's business, aka. I didn't think my business is any of their business, I was as gracious as could be and gave a generic answer that was still truthful.
When someone lies, if it's not hurting anyone, then it is arguably acceptable. I'm not a proponent of this argument. If someone lies, they are still lying and most probably in a black and white world, liars. Don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating lying about anything. Personally, I think telling someone to mind their own business is far more effective in getting someone to mind their own business. While they might bitch that you were rude to them, the truth is they will never ask you again. You will not have to answer their prying questions where you didn't want them going in the first place. However, not everyone has enough self confidence to tell another person to mind their own business. I had a friend once say she didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by telling them it was none of their business. That was about 20 years ago. Now, if it's none of their business, she'll tell them quite readily. It's probably a female thing to some degree. Men don't talk about "uncomfortable" things normally, and they don't generally ask other men about how they are feeling. Men generally allow other men to "share" only at their own comfort level. Women, though, have a tendency to be a little more nosey and thereby create the "need" (let's call it that) to lie. At that point, it's kind of like the proverbial chicken and egg. Who initiated the lie? The person who kept asking more than the other person wanted to share or the person who just gave an answer that they thought would be easier than saying "mind your own business"? While I'll admit over the years, "mind your own business" hasn't always made me a favorite of the busy bodies; it has definitely spared me having to be their "best buddy". Busy bodies always want to know someone else's business. The less they know the better. But from my humble observations, the people that lie and just give answers to provide answers, while being politer, end up with the busy body gossiping about them behind their back, wittingly and unwittingly spreading inaccuracies, and of course, coming back for more and more. I'm not advocating my way of just telling them it's not their business. They'll barely talk to me. Not a bad thing though from my point of view. Saves a lot of wasted breath. If you want to lie to those types, don't complain that they come back and bug you for more information. That's what they're going to do, and by lying to appease them, you simply feed them and they're need to be where they are not wanted.
Compartmentalizing is something a lot of people do. Mostly men. Men have many faces that they let show depending upon the situation. If you're a woman, watch them if you don't believe me. Men are different with their group of friends, with the people they work with, with people they like and don't like, with family and with you. It would seem very incongruent, but since most men are this way, we simply dub it as being male. Women used to be told that we were to portray the same person all the time. The forced congeniality forced women to make concessions on how we approach each other and the world. It also put us in the position where some felt like they had to be nice at all costs--they make movies like "Mean Girls" because to some degree we are groomed to stab the crap out of each other all while smiling to each other's faces. Generally, men don't bother with this. There is a rigidity when men don't like each other but have to interact. It's not that they like everyone of the guys they know. It's that they will just shrug it off without bothering to say anything. Often, women that hate each other appear to be the best of friends even when everyone in the room knows they can't stand each other. There's a clear separation for men of friends and acquaintances although these look the same in some situations. Men do not spur an acquaintance as long as there is no reason to do so. Women can be cold and callous to an acquaintance because we tend to be leary of anyone who has not proven themselves. Why? Because we often tell too much about ourselves because we feel the need to respond to someone who we genuinely feel it's not their business but we provide answers anyway. The natural reflex then is to be on guard whenever anyone new surfaces. Men, the majority anyway, have this one right. Don't share your business with anyone unless you're comfortable with it. They shouldn't be asking unless you're sharing in the first place, and there's no reason to lie to them or share if you don't want to. Tell them you'd rather not talk about it. Voila. It may seem rude, but in reality it's rude that anyone should cross boundaries that they do not share that comradary with you. Telling them to mind their own business in a nice way is not rude just because you're a woman. It's not rude if you're a man. It's reminding someone to respect your boundaries. It is defining those compartments of who you share what with. It's your life and no one should cross those boundaries without your approval. You shouldn't have to lie because they don't respect boundaries.
Frankly, those people that don't respect boundaries tend to be the most annoying of all. I used to have a friend that would say she was "fine" and then be upset behind your back that you weren't more worried about her. Oh for God's sake, say what you mean and mean what you say. If someone asks you how you are doing, you lie because you don't want them in your business, then you give the same answer to your friends. How are your friends supposed to know the difference? The problem with this woman was everything was a lie most of the time. Manipulation. She didn't want even her own friends to be friends. Control. Amazingly, she thought she was super smart, a well rounded smart. Her lies though once your got to know her, even if you didn't know her if you were intelligent enough to recognize it, were extremely transparent. This same woman accused me of being a liar, once. It was quite humorous, because guys that I had known for some amount of time, put her in her place. As anyone that knows me even fairly well will tell you, I might be too honest sometimes. I've been working on that. I don't see honesty as a bad thing, and too honest is pretty much a compliment. However, some people are not worth the breath that you would waste calling them on their bullsh*t. Not that men cannot be liars. But men tend to be simpler about what they lie about. Women, prestige and money. They will lie about having any of those three and they will lie to get those three if they happen to be the type to lie in the first place. That's it. Prestige can be power and control. Some will backstab a coworker if it means saving their own neck or a promotion. Some will lie about women that spurned them or how many women they've had. They'll pretend to have more money than they actually have. But in general, the men that are liars tend to lie about things that are related to those 3 things and the rest of the men have little to no respect for them. Yet, they'll be polite--not nice, but polite. People that will lie about other people's boundaries, ie. a man who lies about how many women he's slept with, has no boundaries themselves--or very, very little. Boundaries are what set us apart from animals. We don't need a fence to keep us from chasing cars or to be fixed in order to not act like a Tom Cat going after any female cat in heat. We set our boundaries for ourselves, and in many cases, have only ourselves to blame when other people cross them.
Don't get me wrong. The boundaries we set should not keep people out. Talking about ourselves is how we emotionally connect ourselves to others, but there are golden rules that really help us to connect with others. One is open up to people where we can. Honest, straight forward, truth. I had a friend who after her mother died complained they had never been that close. Over the years, she would lament that they didn't have a "close" relationship. Of course, she lied to her mother regularly. Lying to someone creates distance. It's one more thing that each time we lie that we are hiding about ourselves. I had a friend that was gay when I was in college. At family holidays, I was often his "date". His father was completely adverse to homosexuality. Eventually, he told his family and had no contact with his parents and siblings for decades. Yet, he admitted that he felt a huge weight lifted off of him and he became more accepting of his father. It didn't matter that it wasn't returned. What mattered was his mind was clear. He had been honest regardless of the consequences. "The truth shall set you free." It was that way with my friend who's mother died. Her biggest lament eventually was that it was too late to just tell her mother the truth. She'll never know now how her mother would have reacted to the truths that she hid, but she will also never part with that weight. There's part of it she carries with her to this day. Honesty may not get the result we want. But carrying a weight on ourselves without trusting others is crushing. Which brings me to two. Often we lie to others because we want others to accept us. We are dishonest with ourselves. Looking at the mirror every day and pretending who we are or aren't isn't changing who we actually are or aren't. I'm sure that Caitlyn Jenner felt that way for over 50 years, but most of us aren't lying to such an extremity. I don't know if most people think about it, but often the lies that we tell ourselves are the worst of all. Finally, the only other thing that I can advise is listen. I've noticed that because I can talk a lot some people assume that means I'm not listening. Yet, when I'm silent and listening they don't notice. I used to assume that was because of my strong voice--it resonates and carries. Then I started to notice how often people would say to me that they couldn't remember telling me something or even that I remembered them telling me. Of course, I remember. If someone opens up to you with honesty, they may only be thinking of you as a sounding board, but that gift, even from a complete stranger, is priceless. There aren't many people that a lot of people are honest with. I seem to always get the most honest deep felt words that people share about themselves. But it took me a long time to realize why. I don't repeat what they tell me. That's the final golden word. Even when someone shares with you, it doesn't mean it is yours to share. It means be appreciative that they shared a piece of themselves with you at all. I know people that always share with me because they know I'm not sharing with someone else. While some of them, I could do without because the 4 golden rules that I express here are not their rules. They will gossip about anything I would share with them, but what they tell me is theirs not mine, even though they would not respect the same boundary. Honest expression is a gift in both directions. While it may be a little frustrating at times to realize those that share with you are not those that you should share with, appreciate when someone is honest. It's a breath of very fresh air in world muddied with more lies, mostly lies. When's the last time you believed anything a politician said?
The world is full of dishonesty. It's almost become a completely acceptable behavior. We almost expect everyone to be lying and the liars, a dead giveaway that they are liars, is they tell you someone is lying about something that you know is true. We're not talking about inaccuracies. Not everyone remembers every minute detail. We're talking about straight up dishonesty. There are so many lies that we listen to everyday, politicians, the media, et cetera, that are half or less truths meant to manipulate us into thinking one way or another, that we don't even second guess it anymore in a lot of cases. The sad repercussion of this? That everyday people that lie to manipulate and control us often get a pass too. We've become inoculated to the behavior. All because it was not nice enough to simply ask someone to mind their own business. Winston Churchill said "A lie will travel around the world twice while the truth is still getting its boots on." Every lie that we allow someone to tell or even tell ourselves rather than giving prying noses a quick closed door takes on a life of its own. And, we have no one to blame but ourselves in those cases. I'm not saying that they need to be cussed out every time you catch one. I'm simply advocating telling them only truths and telling them when it's none of their business. And if you catch them, call them on it if it's about someone else or even yourself. Grams used to say "Be polite, but you don't have to make conversation." You can still be gracious or even just ignore them when suitable without having to pretend to like or even enjoy their company. Jealous people will pretend to be polite and curse you behind your back. Why even try to talk to people like that? They are being dishonest with others and themselves and they didn't respect your boundaries. Politicians that you catch in lies don't respect boundaries. But we define those boundaries. Stand up for yourself with a little old fashioned honesty. A little honesty here and there could eventually make the world a more honest place. Even politicians. It's time to try a little trickle up theory.
When someone lies, if it's not hurting anyone, then it is arguably acceptable. I'm not a proponent of this argument. If someone lies, they are still lying and most probably in a black and white world, liars. Don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating lying about anything. Personally, I think telling someone to mind their own business is far more effective in getting someone to mind their own business. While they might bitch that you were rude to them, the truth is they will never ask you again. You will not have to answer their prying questions where you didn't want them going in the first place. However, not everyone has enough self confidence to tell another person to mind their own business. I had a friend once say she didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by telling them it was none of their business. That was about 20 years ago. Now, if it's none of their business, she'll tell them quite readily. It's probably a female thing to some degree. Men don't talk about "uncomfortable" things normally, and they don't generally ask other men about how they are feeling. Men generally allow other men to "share" only at their own comfort level. Women, though, have a tendency to be a little more nosey and thereby create the "need" (let's call it that) to lie. At that point, it's kind of like the proverbial chicken and egg. Who initiated the lie? The person who kept asking more than the other person wanted to share or the person who just gave an answer that they thought would be easier than saying "mind your own business"? While I'll admit over the years, "mind your own business" hasn't always made me a favorite of the busy bodies; it has definitely spared me having to be their "best buddy". Busy bodies always want to know someone else's business. The less they know the better. But from my humble observations, the people that lie and just give answers to provide answers, while being politer, end up with the busy body gossiping about them behind their back, wittingly and unwittingly spreading inaccuracies, and of course, coming back for more and more. I'm not advocating my way of just telling them it's not their business. They'll barely talk to me. Not a bad thing though from my point of view. Saves a lot of wasted breath. If you want to lie to those types, don't complain that they come back and bug you for more information. That's what they're going to do, and by lying to appease them, you simply feed them and they're need to be where they are not wanted.
Compartmentalizing is something a lot of people do. Mostly men. Men have many faces that they let show depending upon the situation. If you're a woman, watch them if you don't believe me. Men are different with their group of friends, with the people they work with, with people they like and don't like, with family and with you. It would seem very incongruent, but since most men are this way, we simply dub it as being male. Women used to be told that we were to portray the same person all the time. The forced congeniality forced women to make concessions on how we approach each other and the world. It also put us in the position where some felt like they had to be nice at all costs--they make movies like "Mean Girls" because to some degree we are groomed to stab the crap out of each other all while smiling to each other's faces. Generally, men don't bother with this. There is a rigidity when men don't like each other but have to interact. It's not that they like everyone of the guys they know. It's that they will just shrug it off without bothering to say anything. Often, women that hate each other appear to be the best of friends even when everyone in the room knows they can't stand each other. There's a clear separation for men of friends and acquaintances although these look the same in some situations. Men do not spur an acquaintance as long as there is no reason to do so. Women can be cold and callous to an acquaintance because we tend to be leary of anyone who has not proven themselves. Why? Because we often tell too much about ourselves because we feel the need to respond to someone who we genuinely feel it's not their business but we provide answers anyway. The natural reflex then is to be on guard whenever anyone new surfaces. Men, the majority anyway, have this one right. Don't share your business with anyone unless you're comfortable with it. They shouldn't be asking unless you're sharing in the first place, and there's no reason to lie to them or share if you don't want to. Tell them you'd rather not talk about it. Voila. It may seem rude, but in reality it's rude that anyone should cross boundaries that they do not share that comradary with you. Telling them to mind their own business in a nice way is not rude just because you're a woman. It's not rude if you're a man. It's reminding someone to respect your boundaries. It is defining those compartments of who you share what with. It's your life and no one should cross those boundaries without your approval. You shouldn't have to lie because they don't respect boundaries.
Frankly, those people that don't respect boundaries tend to be the most annoying of all. I used to have a friend that would say she was "fine" and then be upset behind your back that you weren't more worried about her. Oh for God's sake, say what you mean and mean what you say. If someone asks you how you are doing, you lie because you don't want them in your business, then you give the same answer to your friends. How are your friends supposed to know the difference? The problem with this woman was everything was a lie most of the time. Manipulation. She didn't want even her own friends to be friends. Control. Amazingly, she thought she was super smart, a well rounded smart. Her lies though once your got to know her, even if you didn't know her if you were intelligent enough to recognize it, were extremely transparent. This same woman accused me of being a liar, once. It was quite humorous, because guys that I had known for some amount of time, put her in her place. As anyone that knows me even fairly well will tell you, I might be too honest sometimes. I've been working on that. I don't see honesty as a bad thing, and too honest is pretty much a compliment. However, some people are not worth the breath that you would waste calling them on their bullsh*t. Not that men cannot be liars. But men tend to be simpler about what they lie about. Women, prestige and money. They will lie about having any of those three and they will lie to get those three if they happen to be the type to lie in the first place. That's it. Prestige can be power and control. Some will backstab a coworker if it means saving their own neck or a promotion. Some will lie about women that spurned them or how many women they've had. They'll pretend to have more money than they actually have. But in general, the men that are liars tend to lie about things that are related to those 3 things and the rest of the men have little to no respect for them. Yet, they'll be polite--not nice, but polite. People that will lie about other people's boundaries, ie. a man who lies about how many women he's slept with, has no boundaries themselves--or very, very little. Boundaries are what set us apart from animals. We don't need a fence to keep us from chasing cars or to be fixed in order to not act like a Tom Cat going after any female cat in heat. We set our boundaries for ourselves, and in many cases, have only ourselves to blame when other people cross them.
Don't get me wrong. The boundaries we set should not keep people out. Talking about ourselves is how we emotionally connect ourselves to others, but there are golden rules that really help us to connect with others. One is open up to people where we can. Honest, straight forward, truth. I had a friend who after her mother died complained they had never been that close. Over the years, she would lament that they didn't have a "close" relationship. Of course, she lied to her mother regularly. Lying to someone creates distance. It's one more thing that each time we lie that we are hiding about ourselves. I had a friend that was gay when I was in college. At family holidays, I was often his "date". His father was completely adverse to homosexuality. Eventually, he told his family and had no contact with his parents and siblings for decades. Yet, he admitted that he felt a huge weight lifted off of him and he became more accepting of his father. It didn't matter that it wasn't returned. What mattered was his mind was clear. He had been honest regardless of the consequences. "The truth shall set you free." It was that way with my friend who's mother died. Her biggest lament eventually was that it was too late to just tell her mother the truth. She'll never know now how her mother would have reacted to the truths that she hid, but she will also never part with that weight. There's part of it she carries with her to this day. Honesty may not get the result we want. But carrying a weight on ourselves without trusting others is crushing. Which brings me to two. Often we lie to others because we want others to accept us. We are dishonest with ourselves. Looking at the mirror every day and pretending who we are or aren't isn't changing who we actually are or aren't. I'm sure that Caitlyn Jenner felt that way for over 50 years, but most of us aren't lying to such an extremity. I don't know if most people think about it, but often the lies that we tell ourselves are the worst of all. Finally, the only other thing that I can advise is listen. I've noticed that because I can talk a lot some people assume that means I'm not listening. Yet, when I'm silent and listening they don't notice. I used to assume that was because of my strong voice--it resonates and carries. Then I started to notice how often people would say to me that they couldn't remember telling me something or even that I remembered them telling me. Of course, I remember. If someone opens up to you with honesty, they may only be thinking of you as a sounding board, but that gift, even from a complete stranger, is priceless. There aren't many people that a lot of people are honest with. I seem to always get the most honest deep felt words that people share about themselves. But it took me a long time to realize why. I don't repeat what they tell me. That's the final golden word. Even when someone shares with you, it doesn't mean it is yours to share. It means be appreciative that they shared a piece of themselves with you at all. I know people that always share with me because they know I'm not sharing with someone else. While some of them, I could do without because the 4 golden rules that I express here are not their rules. They will gossip about anything I would share with them, but what they tell me is theirs not mine, even though they would not respect the same boundary. Honest expression is a gift in both directions. While it may be a little frustrating at times to realize those that share with you are not those that you should share with, appreciate when someone is honest. It's a breath of very fresh air in world muddied with more lies, mostly lies. When's the last time you believed anything a politician said?
The world is full of dishonesty. It's almost become a completely acceptable behavior. We almost expect everyone to be lying and the liars, a dead giveaway that they are liars, is they tell you someone is lying about something that you know is true. We're not talking about inaccuracies. Not everyone remembers every minute detail. We're talking about straight up dishonesty. There are so many lies that we listen to everyday, politicians, the media, et cetera, that are half or less truths meant to manipulate us into thinking one way or another, that we don't even second guess it anymore in a lot of cases. The sad repercussion of this? That everyday people that lie to manipulate and control us often get a pass too. We've become inoculated to the behavior. All because it was not nice enough to simply ask someone to mind their own business. Winston Churchill said "A lie will travel around the world twice while the truth is still getting its boots on." Every lie that we allow someone to tell or even tell ourselves rather than giving prying noses a quick closed door takes on a life of its own. And, we have no one to blame but ourselves in those cases. I'm not saying that they need to be cussed out every time you catch one. I'm simply advocating telling them only truths and telling them when it's none of their business. And if you catch them, call them on it if it's about someone else or even yourself. Grams used to say "Be polite, but you don't have to make conversation." You can still be gracious or even just ignore them when suitable without having to pretend to like or even enjoy their company. Jealous people will pretend to be polite and curse you behind your back. Why even try to talk to people like that? They are being dishonest with others and themselves and they didn't respect your boundaries. Politicians that you catch in lies don't respect boundaries. But we define those boundaries. Stand up for yourself with a little old fashioned honesty. A little honesty here and there could eventually make the world a more honest place. Even politicians. It's time to try a little trickle up theory.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Don't live in a box...
"Call me Caitlyn," the former Olympic gold medalist, formerly known as Bruce Jenner, told Vanity Fair. Honestly, I know it brought up a lot of discussion, but it really is his generation, the Baby Boomers, and a tad of my own, GenX, that has even given a rat's buttocks. The thing that amazes me is how much we allow our older generations dictate behavior today. I know there's a lot of fear in the African American community about "bad" cops. Based on a lot of things that have occurred over the years, even the last 10-20 years, I understand my generation's angst. I already wrote about that study that I found a bit sad. Most Caucasian Americans, aka, "white", don't have a whole lot of anything other than other "whites" as friends. Of course, I have a lot of middle class friends that are all different backgrounds who are all the same, and by same I mean pay their bills, pay their taxes, gripe about their taxes, not having enough money, work, have hopes for their kids, have plans for their retirements, and just struggling to live the American Dream. Doesn't seem to matter what skin color, what education level, how much money they are making, they are all looking at the world and wondering who could restore and preserve the American Dream for the next generations. Yet, Caitlyn Jenner got a lot of our attentions. The mob mentality that took over Ferguson mesmerized us. Why? Because the Baby Boomers and GenX are still trying to answer questions that we technically already answered by instilling new attitudes into our children.
First, to be clear, the Baby Boomers changed the world more than any of us since. More than any before them. One generation a century probably makes such drastic changes to the world. The Baby Boomers were it in the 20th century. Race and sex determined a lot before them. What job we could have, what education we could receive, what neighborhood we could live in, what kind of money we could make, who our friends could be according to society, and even what bathroom we could use. Some in the Silent Generation had those dreams and quietly laid the ground work for the opportunity for it to happen. But the Silent Generation was busy surviving, saving freedom around the world from World War I through the Cold War, and to be blunt, they were not ready for the changes that they were quietly, albeit to some degree unknowingly, instilling into their children. Freedom for all, freedom from oppression, equal rights, the end of Fascism, the end of Communism, and perpetuating the coveted American Dream. What did their children do with what they observed growing up? The Sexual Revolution, the ultimate Civil Rights movement, acceptance for Sexual Orientation, the ultimate Freedom to be true to ourselves.
But with old age and wisdom doesn't always come a view of the world as it has changed. Not at all. My Daddy had no concept of how the world had changed between 1973 and 2003 when he asked me to talk to my brother about what it was like to be half Asian as a kid, what it was like for my father and mother, so that my brother would understand what he might be getting himself, his girlfriend, and his possible future children in. I thank God that I was old enough, or wise enough, to not argue this moot point with Daddy. I just told him that I would speak to my brother. What I told my brother was the exact opposite of what Daddy thought I would. Life has changed in 30 years and Daddy's experience 30 years ago was totally different that what my brother's would be. Someone had to fall in love and risk everything eventually. Daddy had to be one of them. Not everyone is the Baby Boomer generation was willing to risk it all. In 2003, no one needed to break that ground. GenX had already started putting mixed racial relationships into full acceptance in the 1990s. That clock wasn't turning back. Daddy's experience would not be anything like my brother's. Not even close. I did remember my mother telling my Grams about Daddy having to defend himself and my mother once. The couple of guys were no match for him. Daddy hadn't had a scratch on him. My mother's brother had been super impressed. I didn't tell my brother that. The worst thing he would have to deal with was maybe taunts, if even that. I just told him the world had changed and Daddy was still living the in the fears of a generation gone by. His fears were unwarranted, and even if they were, well, love is about our hearts not societal demands.
GenX and GenY have just moved us further and further from what the world was like prior to the 1960s. Each decade we have seen movement. I cannot even compare the 1980s to the 20-teens. Gay was unspeakable until the 1980s, and as it became a "speakable" term, bigots, ignorant bigots, continued to perpetuate all kinds of horrible stereotypes. Gay isn't something that most people wanted to believe was natural. Yet, it was around all along. One of the most famous heartthrobs of the Silent generation, Rock Hudson, was gay. He pretended to be something he was not so well that he was considered one of the sexiest, OK back then--handsomest, men in the world. Women swooned over him, even my Grams and my aunts just thought he was meow, meow, meow mix. Yet the man lived in a closet with only his closest and most endeared friends knowing. George Takei, Sulu from the original Star Trek, is gay. In the 1960s, he tells people everyone knew, but that William Shatner simply ignored it like he didn't have an understanding. Perhaps Bill didn't. It just wasn't acceptable and if anyone insisted on acting like it was the responses were from pretending it wasn't there to brutal retaliation to imagined rules of society. GenX scoffed at the "big" news of Rock Hudson. We didn't care. Really. Most of us just didn't find being gay newsworthy, because well, some of our favorite music was coming from gay men. Boy George and Culture Club were one of the signs of the 80s and our generation was just not going to care as much as generations before us.
So, Bruce, I mean, Caitlyn Jenner is 65 years old and finally comes out of the closet. I can't imagine. Over the years, being a girl brought up near obsessed with football and hockey, cars and motorcycles, let alone turning around and joining the military, has gotten me some accusations of being gay. Ironically, I believe being female and gay has been and still is slightly easier than being a male gay. I'm straight and honestly I get a little upchuck feeling at the idea of being with a woman. Just not my cup of tea. Yet, the stereotypes that people ran around with of what is or isn't acceptable behavior for a man or a woman are rules that I never completely abided by. Why should I? My Granddaddy used to tell me I could do anything a boy could do. Picture having a blonde haired, blue eyed, 6'5" Granddaddy telling you that all the time. My Grams made me dress up in cute clothes and be all girly girl. Between the pair of them, I am what I am. When someone, generally male, has tried to tell me where I belong, it's not Grams' or my mother I hear. I hear Granddaddy saying, "Stand up for yourself. Don't take that." I do. I am equal. I don't care if who is telling me I'm not whether they believe that or not. It's not about them. It's about me. I know I'm not better or worse than anyone else, because it was instilled in me at a very young age. But Bruce Jenner grew up in a different world. It was not acceptable to be who he was. It was important to be who they thought he was--unlike lucky me, who got told to be true to myself. Much like Rock Hudson, Bruce Jenner was extremely good at covering up who he was, and I imagine to some degree eventually trapped in his mind because of how good he had covered himself, who he was, up. I cannot imagine being like that. My Grams' sister Gertrude was put in an asylum for wanting to wear pants, refusing to wear skirts or dresses, after reaching 14 years of age. It was a big societal NO-NO. There was nothing wrong with Gertrude. She was a highly intelligent, thoughtful human being, who by the time society didn't have a problem with her wearing slacks had lived over half her life in an asylum. When released, she couldn't survive in the world and begged to go back. She died in an asylum, by her own choice because society had forsaken her for being different. At 14 she refused to comply with society and was punished. Rock Hudson, Bruce Jenner, probably thousands and thousands of others over the years, if not millions, have chosen to live in a pretend world. Wake up every morning looking at themselves in the mirror and not barely recognize themselves. Is that their fault or society's?
We could easily blame them. But the failure is not theirs. It was not Aunt Gertrude's. It was not Rock Hudson's. It was not Caitlyn Jenner's. It was OUR fault. We as a society and we need to own up to the fact that we did this to other people. We do it to our children--be this or that. It's expected in some way for us to provide that guidance. Yet, it is not our right to tell them after they are adults. We tell ourselves it's weird, but what we should be telling ourselves and others is that being true to yourself, ourselves, is more important than whether you were born a male or female. Motorcycles are a great love to me, and it used to be pretty much an oddity to see women riding. Yet, study after study (like 3 now) show that women that ride express being happier with themselves and their lives, more confident and more importantly express that they enjoy their lives. None of that would ever happen if the world and society doesn't grow and accept us for who we are. I bet my Great Aunt Gertrude would have loved motorcycles if society had let her be her. Since I believe in reincarnation, I hope she's somewhere riding today and living the life that God meant for her to live rather than one that a less progressive society put her away in a box because she wouldn't put herself there.
Decide to support Caitlyn Jenner, not because you understand it or you would do it, but because you wouldn't want to live in that box.
First, to be clear, the Baby Boomers changed the world more than any of us since. More than any before them. One generation a century probably makes such drastic changes to the world. The Baby Boomers were it in the 20th century. Race and sex determined a lot before them. What job we could have, what education we could receive, what neighborhood we could live in, what kind of money we could make, who our friends could be according to society, and even what bathroom we could use. Some in the Silent Generation had those dreams and quietly laid the ground work for the opportunity for it to happen. But the Silent Generation was busy surviving, saving freedom around the world from World War I through the Cold War, and to be blunt, they were not ready for the changes that they were quietly, albeit to some degree unknowingly, instilling into their children. Freedom for all, freedom from oppression, equal rights, the end of Fascism, the end of Communism, and perpetuating the coveted American Dream. What did their children do with what they observed growing up? The Sexual Revolution, the ultimate Civil Rights movement, acceptance for Sexual Orientation, the ultimate Freedom to be true to ourselves.
But with old age and wisdom doesn't always come a view of the world as it has changed. Not at all. My Daddy had no concept of how the world had changed between 1973 and 2003 when he asked me to talk to my brother about what it was like to be half Asian as a kid, what it was like for my father and mother, so that my brother would understand what he might be getting himself, his girlfriend, and his possible future children in. I thank God that I was old enough, or wise enough, to not argue this moot point with Daddy. I just told him that I would speak to my brother. What I told my brother was the exact opposite of what Daddy thought I would. Life has changed in 30 years and Daddy's experience 30 years ago was totally different that what my brother's would be. Someone had to fall in love and risk everything eventually. Daddy had to be one of them. Not everyone is the Baby Boomer generation was willing to risk it all. In 2003, no one needed to break that ground. GenX had already started putting mixed racial relationships into full acceptance in the 1990s. That clock wasn't turning back. Daddy's experience would not be anything like my brother's. Not even close. I did remember my mother telling my Grams about Daddy having to defend himself and my mother once. The couple of guys were no match for him. Daddy hadn't had a scratch on him. My mother's brother had been super impressed. I didn't tell my brother that. The worst thing he would have to deal with was maybe taunts, if even that. I just told him the world had changed and Daddy was still living the in the fears of a generation gone by. His fears were unwarranted, and even if they were, well, love is about our hearts not societal demands.
GenX and GenY have just moved us further and further from what the world was like prior to the 1960s. Each decade we have seen movement. I cannot even compare the 1980s to the 20-teens. Gay was unspeakable until the 1980s, and as it became a "speakable" term, bigots, ignorant bigots, continued to perpetuate all kinds of horrible stereotypes. Gay isn't something that most people wanted to believe was natural. Yet, it was around all along. One of the most famous heartthrobs of the Silent generation, Rock Hudson, was gay. He pretended to be something he was not so well that he was considered one of the sexiest, OK back then--handsomest, men in the world. Women swooned over him, even my Grams and my aunts just thought he was meow, meow, meow mix. Yet the man lived in a closet with only his closest and most endeared friends knowing. George Takei, Sulu from the original Star Trek, is gay. In the 1960s, he tells people everyone knew, but that William Shatner simply ignored it like he didn't have an understanding. Perhaps Bill didn't. It just wasn't acceptable and if anyone insisted on acting like it was the responses were from pretending it wasn't there to brutal retaliation to imagined rules of society. GenX scoffed at the "big" news of Rock Hudson. We didn't care. Really. Most of us just didn't find being gay newsworthy, because well, some of our favorite music was coming from gay men. Boy George and Culture Club were one of the signs of the 80s and our generation was just not going to care as much as generations before us.
So, Bruce, I mean, Caitlyn Jenner is 65 years old and finally comes out of the closet. I can't imagine. Over the years, being a girl brought up near obsessed with football and hockey, cars and motorcycles, let alone turning around and joining the military, has gotten me some accusations of being gay. Ironically, I believe being female and gay has been and still is slightly easier than being a male gay. I'm straight and honestly I get a little upchuck feeling at the idea of being with a woman. Just not my cup of tea. Yet, the stereotypes that people ran around with of what is or isn't acceptable behavior for a man or a woman are rules that I never completely abided by. Why should I? My Granddaddy used to tell me I could do anything a boy could do. Picture having a blonde haired, blue eyed, 6'5" Granddaddy telling you that all the time. My Grams made me dress up in cute clothes and be all girly girl. Between the pair of them, I am what I am. When someone, generally male, has tried to tell me where I belong, it's not Grams' or my mother I hear. I hear Granddaddy saying, "Stand up for yourself. Don't take that." I do. I am equal. I don't care if who is telling me I'm not whether they believe that or not. It's not about them. It's about me. I know I'm not better or worse than anyone else, because it was instilled in me at a very young age. But Bruce Jenner grew up in a different world. It was not acceptable to be who he was. It was important to be who they thought he was--unlike lucky me, who got told to be true to myself. Much like Rock Hudson, Bruce Jenner was extremely good at covering up who he was, and I imagine to some degree eventually trapped in his mind because of how good he had covered himself, who he was, up. I cannot imagine being like that. My Grams' sister Gertrude was put in an asylum for wanting to wear pants, refusing to wear skirts or dresses, after reaching 14 years of age. It was a big societal NO-NO. There was nothing wrong with Gertrude. She was a highly intelligent, thoughtful human being, who by the time society didn't have a problem with her wearing slacks had lived over half her life in an asylum. When released, she couldn't survive in the world and begged to go back. She died in an asylum, by her own choice because society had forsaken her for being different. At 14 she refused to comply with society and was punished. Rock Hudson, Bruce Jenner, probably thousands and thousands of others over the years, if not millions, have chosen to live in a pretend world. Wake up every morning looking at themselves in the mirror and not barely recognize themselves. Is that their fault or society's?
We could easily blame them. But the failure is not theirs. It was not Aunt Gertrude's. It was not Rock Hudson's. It was not Caitlyn Jenner's. It was OUR fault. We as a society and we need to own up to the fact that we did this to other people. We do it to our children--be this or that. It's expected in some way for us to provide that guidance. Yet, it is not our right to tell them after they are adults. We tell ourselves it's weird, but what we should be telling ourselves and others is that being true to yourself, ourselves, is more important than whether you were born a male or female. Motorcycles are a great love to me, and it used to be pretty much an oddity to see women riding. Yet, study after study (like 3 now) show that women that ride express being happier with themselves and their lives, more confident and more importantly express that they enjoy their lives. None of that would ever happen if the world and society doesn't grow and accept us for who we are. I bet my Great Aunt Gertrude would have loved motorcycles if society had let her be her. Since I believe in reincarnation, I hope she's somewhere riding today and living the life that God meant for her to live rather than one that a less progressive society put her away in a box because she wouldn't put herself there.
Decide to support Caitlyn Jenner, not because you understand it or you would do it, but because you wouldn't want to live in that box.
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