Many of you, particularly my female friends, often post about people judging you or your life being none of their business. This "rant" and it's advice doesn't just apply to the ladies though.
First, I know, understand, empathize and sympathize with everything each of you complains about. It's not easy being you. I don't care what you do for a living or how much money you make. Shit happens and you have to deal with it regardless of your circumstances. Bills still have to be paid. Groceries still have to be bought. Kids still need help with their homework. Dinner all needs to be cooked. The daily routine all needs to happen even when someone is in the hospital. You suddenly have to take care of your sick mother. The tire went flat, and you find out you out it can't be fixed and have to buy a new one. Your kid has an emergency and needs to borrow money. The water heater isn't working and had to be replaced. You dropped your cell phone and now it's not working. The list goes on and on and on.
Believe it or not, it's just life and it happens to all of us. Nothing ever goes 100% to plan. It's even mathematically impossible technically. For every variable that you have no control over, there's up to an exponential possibility of the plan not going to plan. So when even the best laid plans go completely off track, just know there are always those factors you have no control over.
The best you can do in those moments? Well, my particular favorites are to fret over nothing, try and talk myself into reason with logic, or privately mope about it until I figure something else out. Every so often, screaming about it might be an option too (seems like this option is more common at at certain time of the month for me). Sure, none of that sounds very adult, but that's only because we've been told it isn't.
What isn't adult? Kicking someone while their down. Hell "kicking" them at all. Pointing out their flaws like big billboards. Trying to belittle and demean, especially behind someone's back, to others. You know why you feel "judged" and are tired of it? These worthless people do it to other people right in front of you. You say nothing. You might even agree with the mean or hateful or spiteful things they say. Problem is you know when your back is turned, they are probably doing the same to you. Hell, it's not even probably. You know they are. They are like little high school kids who never grew up. They look all grown up, but poof, they are petty and mean for no real reason.
Many times I'll post comments when I see these. Always with the same message. Ignore these types. When you identify people who are like this you just cut them out of your life. No, you don't have to go to the extreme of deleting them from FB or your Twitter or whatever. You can still be polite when you see them. Just consciously lower your opinion of them.
Trust me. This makes a huge difference. I have always given everyone the "benefit of the doubt" as my Grams called it. I might have took it too far. Some people take advantage of you being a good person, so they are stabbing you in the back while you are defending their piss poor behavior. Makes you look weak, and when you realize it, feel weak. But you can also as Grams would say, "take the high road". It doesn't mean take their shit. Be polite. Call them out politely if needed. If not, ignore them. But then, consciously say to yourself "they are not who you thought" and place them at a lower level in your mind in comparison to those who have proven themselves. Sounds easy, right?
It really is that easy. Just do it with one person. Cut them out of your life. Don't do it with the one closest to you that does it all the time. That will be hard. Take baby steps if the majority of people around you are like this to the point of you needing to start small. Cut that obnoxious jerk who dates your friend out. He's going? No. Going to stay home. You have to go? Eh, be polite. Don't engage. Sure. You'll feel initially that you are being unfair. That's you being a nice person. But, once you cut one out? The ease of removing yourself from the rest becomes quite simple.
Sure. You might feel a bit frustrated with the whole thing when you look around you and realize how many people you are removing from an impact on your life, but here's the keywords there: YOUR LIFE. If you go to work, pay your bills, take care of yours, do what you have to do to meet your responsibilities? Well then screw them. Look at them closely. They have all kinds of things that are wrong in their own lives which is why they point out what's wrong in others lives, or even worse, they just love to watch drama unfold like they are at a theater. But again. It's your life, not their entertainment.
What's even more amazing? You're going to feel more comfortable with you. You're going to be able to appreciate your accomplishments more. You're going to be able to feel good about setting new goals for yourself, because you will start to feel like you can do it. Most importantly, you'll realize you were the only one holding you back. They were feeding you with their ugliness, their insecurities, like rats in a sewer leaving more compost for the rest of the world to deal with.
It's time you are good to yourself and walk away from anyone who keeps you from being good to yourself. My favorite saying is "it's never too late to become who you were meant to be". Hop to it.
Sunday, July 29, 2018
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Pay attention and listen to your gut and put them in jail
Recently I promised a blog on fraud here in the USA. It's at an all time high suck fest. I had no idea how bad it was. I knew a friend who had her wallet stolen around Christmas a couple years back, and they cleaned out her accounts. But she eventually got all the money back from the bank's insurance. But how many of you will never get your money back that get scammed? Oh, what? Did you just read that right? Never get your money back? Oh, yes, I just re-typed it and yes, I mean in most scams you will never get your money back. So pay attention...
One woman I know sent $10,000 "bail" for her grandson. Her grandson wasn't in jail, but whoever it was had enough detail about him for her to send $10,000 without calling his parents to see if they knew anything about it. She never thought to ask to speak to her grandson. She wired the money to "save" her grandson. Poof. Gone. No way to track, and contrary to public belief, law enforcement isn't running out there and tracing your money right away. They aren't going to the Western Union to get video surveillance. They won't know who screwed you for years, if ever. Gone.
Another scam, calls you that you owe the IRS. Who wants to hassle with the IRS? No one. Never. Not a single person wants this. I know other people who had this call who got scammed out of anywhere from $500-$5000, yes five thousand, cash. They ask you to wire it and that account will be gone by the time you figure it out. Or the latest is asking you to get Apple or Google Pay cards. I got one of these calls. I bust out laughing at the bitch. I know I owe the IRS I told her and you've got the wrong amount. "Plus," I said, "you don't sound like the dude that's actually handling the case. So I'll give him your phone number when I talk to him next week." Click. She hung up on me. Haven't had that or any scam call since. But in these cases? No, you will not be getting your money back. Poof. Gone.
Another scam call is that you are going to jail for not paying a bill to a jail, to the county, to the state. The cops are coming right now if you don't pay them now. They'll be at your door. Right....In the USA we do not have a "debtors' prison". Hang up.
Of course, a lot of people I know have had to take out emergency loans. Most people that have to do this go to some place locally, but recently, these people have started doing this online. You know payday loans type places. Like those aren't a big enough scam on their face value. But, nothing like kicking a dog while it's down, right? Scammers are now fronting themselves as these "payday loan" type places online. They get you to give them your banking information, and poof, they clear out what you had left in your account and whatever the bank will allow you to overdraft. You're stuck with the bank fees and the loss. But that's covered right? Technically? NO. You provided your bank information. So, you're out what they scammed you.
Or they will give you a loan, but they need to deposit money into your account to prove it's you and your account. They deposit to your account with a fake check, you take the money that isn't really ever going to be there (fake) from your account and purchase an Apple or Google pay card. You give them the money back and they will deposit the full loan. Both checks are bad. You're out the money you took out of your own account and the bounced check fees and now you have a whole mess to clean up on top of whatever bad thing is going on in your life already. Oh and you are out all the money they scammed you out of. Poof. Gone.
Another scam? There's so many I'm just hitting the highlights. Even legitimate companies will pull scams. Quicken Loans is notorious for charging people $200 to $800 to help process their loans and then never approve the mortgages. They'll basically lead you down the path of you are already approved and you're out if they don't approve. This has actually happened to 4 people I know and yours truly. They took me for $400. They took a really good friend for $600. The other 3 people I know of are people who told me their stories after they heard me telling someone else. Buying a car? We all know used car salesmen are "greasy". But, CarMax? The cars are guaranteed, with warranties for the duration of the loan usually. But the cars are severely overpriced for the market and the loans have extremely high interest rates. Yet, they pray on the "Buy here, pay here" concept that people with poor credit have to accept. Miss a payment? They come get the car before they legally can. I've known a couple of kids, twenty somethings, that got taken by them. Legally, they can't take a car until you've missed that actual 3rd payment, but they don't expect the kids to know this. And honestly, did you?
Even when you buy online, it's buyer beware. A friend ordered a pair of shoes. She got the wrong size and couldn't get a hold of someone to exchange them. But when I spoke to a lady who works in the fraud department of a credit union, she told me this is just the tip. One woman got a pair of used flip flops instead of $200 shoes she ordered. Technically, the company was gone before she ever got the flip flops. The credit union, Visa or whoever, still hadn't decided to pay her the money back, because "she had received the goods" and the receipt basically said "product may not be the same as the picture". What the hell? Yes, and she probably is out the money. It's not even considered a "scam" at that point technically. So for obvious reasons, it's better if you buy from proven vendors that you can trust like Amazon, websites for actual stores you know, or go to the brick and mortar store if you want to buy something "special".
What are some tips to avoid being scammed?
1. Ask questions. Learn to question everything. If it sounds like a scam, walk away. Even if it's not, you're better safe than sorry.
2. Don't immediately agree to anything. No Apple Pay or Google Pay. No wiring money. No account numbers to anyone that you don't know for sure is legitimate.
2A. Double check website addresses. Some scammers will send you a link that looks like a store you visit. Before entering any personal information, make sure that website is the actual store's website. Most common they will use something like gapp.com instead of gap.com. You'll miss it if you aren't paying attention.
3. Never, ever give anyone your information over the phone when they call you. If they have called you, they should know who you are. If they ask you to confirm this phone number, work number, email address, social security number, birthday, what bank you use, say no. JUST SAY NO.
3A. If they call and leave you a number to call them back, double check the number is their number on the company's website or the back of your card. Do not call back a number that isn't legitimate. Call the legitimate number and report it to their fraud department.
4. Remove the sense of urgency. No one is coming to take you to jail or a loved one to jail because you didn't pay the IRS. Even if you owe the IRS, they're not coming. Unless you committed mass tax fraud, but then you already know it. They've seized your assets, frozen all your accounts, and you probably have hidden accounts in the Cayman Islands to try and leave the country before the FBI is coming to get you. The average American like you or me? Hell no. Hang up.
5. Your child, grandchild, best friend, your dog is NOT in jail. Tell them you will have to call their mom, dad, cousin--make up a name if they ask for one, get as much information as you can, but don't give them any information. Ask to talk to whoever they claim. This should be hilarious if it's your dog (yes, the dog example actually comes from a friend these scammers called--please record so your friends will have a good laugh). Say you have to follow up, because you don't have what they are asking for. Where can you get in touch with them. What's the name of the jail, the town, the person calling? You start asking questions--they will probably hang up. IF they are willing to tell you, call the FBI in your state with all the details that you got before they hung up.
6. Post the basic gist of any scam to social media to warn your "friends". They tend to call several numbers from the same area for a few days. Just don't post the phone numbers--they will use these numbers for a while if they don't get called out. In many cases, that is one way they might get caught. I know it's tempting to post everything. But don't. If you turn it over to the FBI, they probably have a larger picture and you want them to be able to use it to catch these people.
Since odds are actually pretty good you will not be getting your money back, your goal should be gathering as much information and giving it to the FBI. Maybe they will recover some money and get you some back. But you want them at least sitting in jail, so they can't scam anyone else for a while and you have the satisfaction of knowing they're behind bars.
One woman I know sent $10,000 "bail" for her grandson. Her grandson wasn't in jail, but whoever it was had enough detail about him for her to send $10,000 without calling his parents to see if they knew anything about it. She never thought to ask to speak to her grandson. She wired the money to "save" her grandson. Poof. Gone. No way to track, and contrary to public belief, law enforcement isn't running out there and tracing your money right away. They aren't going to the Western Union to get video surveillance. They won't know who screwed you for years, if ever. Gone.
Another scam, calls you that you owe the IRS. Who wants to hassle with the IRS? No one. Never. Not a single person wants this. I know other people who had this call who got scammed out of anywhere from $500-$5000, yes five thousand, cash. They ask you to wire it and that account will be gone by the time you figure it out. Or the latest is asking you to get Apple or Google Pay cards. I got one of these calls. I bust out laughing at the bitch. I know I owe the IRS I told her and you've got the wrong amount. "Plus," I said, "you don't sound like the dude that's actually handling the case. So I'll give him your phone number when I talk to him next week." Click. She hung up on me. Haven't had that or any scam call since. But in these cases? No, you will not be getting your money back. Poof. Gone.
Another scam call is that you are going to jail for not paying a bill to a jail, to the county, to the state. The cops are coming right now if you don't pay them now. They'll be at your door. Right....In the USA we do not have a "debtors' prison". Hang up.
Of course, a lot of people I know have had to take out emergency loans. Most people that have to do this go to some place locally, but recently, these people have started doing this online. You know payday loans type places. Like those aren't a big enough scam on their face value. But, nothing like kicking a dog while it's down, right? Scammers are now fronting themselves as these "payday loan" type places online. They get you to give them your banking information, and poof, they clear out what you had left in your account and whatever the bank will allow you to overdraft. You're stuck with the bank fees and the loss. But that's covered right? Technically? NO. You provided your bank information. So, you're out what they scammed you.
Or they will give you a loan, but they need to deposit money into your account to prove it's you and your account. They deposit to your account with a fake check, you take the money that isn't really ever going to be there (fake) from your account and purchase an Apple or Google pay card. You give them the money back and they will deposit the full loan. Both checks are bad. You're out the money you took out of your own account and the bounced check fees and now you have a whole mess to clean up on top of whatever bad thing is going on in your life already. Oh and you are out all the money they scammed you out of. Poof. Gone.
Another scam? There's so many I'm just hitting the highlights. Even legitimate companies will pull scams. Quicken Loans is notorious for charging people $200 to $800 to help process their loans and then never approve the mortgages. They'll basically lead you down the path of you are already approved and you're out if they don't approve. This has actually happened to 4 people I know and yours truly. They took me for $400. They took a really good friend for $600. The other 3 people I know of are people who told me their stories after they heard me telling someone else. Buying a car? We all know used car salesmen are "greasy". But, CarMax? The cars are guaranteed, with warranties for the duration of the loan usually. But the cars are severely overpriced for the market and the loans have extremely high interest rates. Yet, they pray on the "Buy here, pay here" concept that people with poor credit have to accept. Miss a payment? They come get the car before they legally can. I've known a couple of kids, twenty somethings, that got taken by them. Legally, they can't take a car until you've missed that actual 3rd payment, but they don't expect the kids to know this. And honestly, did you?
Even when you buy online, it's buyer beware. A friend ordered a pair of shoes. She got the wrong size and couldn't get a hold of someone to exchange them. But when I spoke to a lady who works in the fraud department of a credit union, she told me this is just the tip. One woman got a pair of used flip flops instead of $200 shoes she ordered. Technically, the company was gone before she ever got the flip flops. The credit union, Visa or whoever, still hadn't decided to pay her the money back, because "she had received the goods" and the receipt basically said "product may not be the same as the picture". What the hell? Yes, and she probably is out the money. It's not even considered a "scam" at that point technically. So for obvious reasons, it's better if you buy from proven vendors that you can trust like Amazon, websites for actual stores you know, or go to the brick and mortar store if you want to buy something "special".
What are some tips to avoid being scammed?
1. Ask questions. Learn to question everything. If it sounds like a scam, walk away. Even if it's not, you're better safe than sorry.
2. Don't immediately agree to anything. No Apple Pay or Google Pay. No wiring money. No account numbers to anyone that you don't know for sure is legitimate.
2A. Double check website addresses. Some scammers will send you a link that looks like a store you visit. Before entering any personal information, make sure that website is the actual store's website. Most common they will use something like gapp.com instead of gap.com. You'll miss it if you aren't paying attention.
3. Never, ever give anyone your information over the phone when they call you. If they have called you, they should know who you are. If they ask you to confirm this phone number, work number, email address, social security number, birthday, what bank you use, say no. JUST SAY NO.
3A. If they call and leave you a number to call them back, double check the number is their number on the company's website or the back of your card. Do not call back a number that isn't legitimate. Call the legitimate number and report it to their fraud department.
4. Remove the sense of urgency. No one is coming to take you to jail or a loved one to jail because you didn't pay the IRS. Even if you owe the IRS, they're not coming. Unless you committed mass tax fraud, but then you already know it. They've seized your assets, frozen all your accounts, and you probably have hidden accounts in the Cayman Islands to try and leave the country before the FBI is coming to get you. The average American like you or me? Hell no. Hang up.
5. Your child, grandchild, best friend, your dog is NOT in jail. Tell them you will have to call their mom, dad, cousin--make up a name if they ask for one, get as much information as you can, but don't give them any information. Ask to talk to whoever they claim. This should be hilarious if it's your dog (yes, the dog example actually comes from a friend these scammers called--please record so your friends will have a good laugh). Say you have to follow up, because you don't have what they are asking for. Where can you get in touch with them. What's the name of the jail, the town, the person calling? You start asking questions--they will probably hang up. IF they are willing to tell you, call the FBI in your state with all the details that you got before they hung up.
6. Post the basic gist of any scam to social media to warn your "friends". They tend to call several numbers from the same area for a few days. Just don't post the phone numbers--they will use these numbers for a while if they don't get called out. In many cases, that is one way they might get caught. I know it's tempting to post everything. But don't. If you turn it over to the FBI, they probably have a larger picture and you want them to be able to use it to catch these people.
Since odds are actually pretty good you will not be getting your money back, your goal should be gathering as much information and giving it to the FBI. Maybe they will recover some money and get you some back. But you want them at least sitting in jail, so they can't scam anyone else for a while and you have the satisfaction of knowing they're behind bars.
Saturday, June 30, 2018
Yup, definitely not that serious...
So I've always been curious about those matchmaking companies. Several reputable sources say they are great. Sure maybe in major metropolitans like NYC or Cali. Anyway, there's no way to research them, and I'm the research queen. I looked for reviews, but the only ones that came up in Google or Yahoo were their own websites reviews.
There's also no cost to be found anywhere. We all know that likely means extremely expensive. The old adage "if you have to ask, you can't afford it" type thing. This in fact sparked my curiosity more. How much more than Match or eHarmony could it be?
So partially out of curiosity, a little bit from beer nudge, eh, what the heck? Let's fill out the site questionnaire and see what happens. (Note this is a site that genuinely had been talked about on real professional websites and newspapers like the WSJ.)
So the next day four phone calls from an unrecognized number on a workday. In the evening I finally answered. The young woman was super polite. Very inquisitive to what I liked, didn't, etc. Not in the nosey Nelly way that would make you want to scrub yourself clean and worry about your finances way. She seemed really sweet, like that perfect realtor who listens to what you are looking for and is genuinely going to help you find that house. Yet, after a very lengthy sales pitch that was super friendly and asking me to sign up, she still had not told me the price. In fact, she wanted me to go sign up, and yet still without the price tag.
When I buckled because I wanted to know the price? Tap dance around the price while explaining to me that I'm not getting any younger. Well, no shit. And it doesn't get easier as you get older, particularly when you get to 50. Wow. Okay. But this is me she's talking to. I simply tell her that of my 40 something friends, she's probably right. Most of us are single and struggle, but most of my 50 something girlfriends seem to hit the jackpot in their 50s. I know 3 right off the top of my head.
Yes, that's nice, but.... I kind of cut her off. How much? ..... Well, she begins to explain this 10 month membership and that they will screen everyone, etc. How safe it is because they have participating restaurants. How they have several men in this area. How many? Several. Several is an interesting number. How about a rough estimate on how many between Charlotte and Atlanta? In the state of SC? Nope. Several, several. Oh boy. So more than one....
Again push for how much? Finally for all this...$4800. LMAO. I went silent. Come on. I know PT Barnum said there's a sucker born every minute, but that was the most insane number I had ever heard. She then goes into hard sell tactics. Now I am getting old and I don't have much time and blah, blah, blah. I wasn't hearing her. So what did I think? Holy hell. What did I think?
But she had been so sweet overall, I simply told her I couldn't see spending that much money on dating. What else would I do with my money? $4800? Was she kidding me? Vacation, ticket to Europe, all inclusive resort. I don't know, anything sounded better.
Here's the final kick, desperate sales pitch: well how are those vacations going to be if you're sleeping by yourself?? WTF. Did this tactic actually work? On who? Like someone who's totally down on themselves and has nothing going for them? Then, here comes what apparently would close the deal normally: Is it really too much money so that you don't have to be alone? It was the same as going on vacation. I started laughing. No, it definitely wasn't like going on vacation. Would anyone ever say first dates are like super relaxing like a vacation?
But no, she didn't stop there. "Isn't finding the love of your life worth $4800?"... No. "You don't want the love of you life." Not for $4800, nope. And the punchline: "I don't think you're taking finding the man for you very seriously."
BAM. Yes, you're right, I tell her. I'm really not that serious about it. Definitely not serious enough to spend $4800.... I had to block the emails and the calls because they kept coming for the next couple days. $4800? That kind of money will buy a lot of toys.
Finally find a group of reviews they can't get rid of... On Yelp. 90% claim nothing but a scam. But hey, I learned something about myself. I'm not serious enough to not being alone to spend 2 round trip tickets to Europe. Girl is going to start planning some vacations though.
There's also no cost to be found anywhere. We all know that likely means extremely expensive. The old adage "if you have to ask, you can't afford it" type thing. This in fact sparked my curiosity more. How much more than Match or eHarmony could it be?
So partially out of curiosity, a little bit from beer nudge, eh, what the heck? Let's fill out the site questionnaire and see what happens. (Note this is a site that genuinely had been talked about on real professional websites and newspapers like the WSJ.)
So the next day four phone calls from an unrecognized number on a workday. In the evening I finally answered. The young woman was super polite. Very inquisitive to what I liked, didn't, etc. Not in the nosey Nelly way that would make you want to scrub yourself clean and worry about your finances way. She seemed really sweet, like that perfect realtor who listens to what you are looking for and is genuinely going to help you find that house. Yet, after a very lengthy sales pitch that was super friendly and asking me to sign up, she still had not told me the price. In fact, she wanted me to go sign up, and yet still without the price tag.
When I buckled because I wanted to know the price? Tap dance around the price while explaining to me that I'm not getting any younger. Well, no shit. And it doesn't get easier as you get older, particularly when you get to 50. Wow. Okay. But this is me she's talking to. I simply tell her that of my 40 something friends, she's probably right. Most of us are single and struggle, but most of my 50 something girlfriends seem to hit the jackpot in their 50s. I know 3 right off the top of my head.
Yes, that's nice, but.... I kind of cut her off. How much? ..... Well, she begins to explain this 10 month membership and that they will screen everyone, etc. How safe it is because they have participating restaurants. How they have several men in this area. How many? Several. Several is an interesting number. How about a rough estimate on how many between Charlotte and Atlanta? In the state of SC? Nope. Several, several. Oh boy. So more than one....
Again push for how much? Finally for all this...$4800. LMAO. I went silent. Come on. I know PT Barnum said there's a sucker born every minute, but that was the most insane number I had ever heard. She then goes into hard sell tactics. Now I am getting old and I don't have much time and blah, blah, blah. I wasn't hearing her. So what did I think? Holy hell. What did I think?
But she had been so sweet overall, I simply told her I couldn't see spending that much money on dating. What else would I do with my money? $4800? Was she kidding me? Vacation, ticket to Europe, all inclusive resort. I don't know, anything sounded better.
Here's the final kick, desperate sales pitch: well how are those vacations going to be if you're sleeping by yourself?? WTF. Did this tactic actually work? On who? Like someone who's totally down on themselves and has nothing going for them? Then, here comes what apparently would close the deal normally: Is it really too much money so that you don't have to be alone? It was the same as going on vacation. I started laughing. No, it definitely wasn't like going on vacation. Would anyone ever say first dates are like super relaxing like a vacation?
But no, she didn't stop there. "Isn't finding the love of your life worth $4800?"... No. "You don't want the love of you life." Not for $4800, nope. And the punchline: "I don't think you're taking finding the man for you very seriously."
BAM. Yes, you're right, I tell her. I'm really not that serious about it. Definitely not serious enough to spend $4800.... I had to block the emails and the calls because they kept coming for the next couple days. $4800? That kind of money will buy a lot of toys.
Finally find a group of reviews they can't get rid of... On Yelp. 90% claim nothing but a scam. But hey, I learned something about myself. I'm not serious enough to not being alone to spend 2 round trip tickets to Europe. Girl is going to start planning some vacations though.
Sunday, June 24, 2018
Please go back to drinking beer and scratching yourself....
So...I'm not expecting a lot of readers this time. I had given up blogging for a while--technically, more than 6 months. In an intentional, initially non-intentional, experiment, I needed to focus on other things. I wanted to buy a house and get my personal life "back to where" I was a decade ago. Like a majority of Americans, the last 10 years has been a strain. While we all probably were ready to leave 9/11 behind us, we entered an era of financial uncertainty and an economy that was crushing many of us. This fed a division in this country that egged on old demons like racism and anti-female sentiments. Right now, we are so divided that most of us have felt like we had to choose sides. If we didn't like this, we had to be that, even if that was an impossibility. I'm notoriously middle in everything. One of my best friends points out I try to assess as many facts as I can get a hold of before ever making a decision. (It took me 3 years to decide what car to buy.) She tells me all the time most people don't do this. She does I counter-point, but then she points out that if she really wants more facts she calls me. Ummm. Okay. Mentioned this to another couple different close friends, and well, they were all in agreement. My sister calls me a walking encyclopedia. I read, listen and absorb--everything, and generally can recall it relatively easily.
My one bestie actually said it's probably a curse in some ways. Maybe. It certainly serves me well when it comes to work. I can remember details about how things are supposed to work, what's required, what's not, what things I need to get done, priorities, et cetera. But I can visualize anything back like it just happened. It's not hard for me to recall with a weird precision more things than apparently is "normal". I can remember coming home to my grandmother watching a new show in the 80s, some woman from Chicago who was just becoming an afternoon favorite with the women who were still housewives, you might know her--Oprah Winfrey. I sat on the floor next to Grams on the sofa and asked her what she was watching. She shushed me and said this was important and I needed to watch. It's really nice to be able to recall that like it happened yesterday and see my grandmother in my mind sitting on her sofa. It gives me comfort while bringing tears to my eyes. But what was so important I watch was the discussion on one of those subjects that would eventually become one of those polarized subjects where you are either this or that and there can be no compromise. The subject was abortion. Nope, we're not going there.
Where we are going? Well, unfortunately abortion is just one of many subjects that you have to be this way or that. The polarization in this country is where we are going. The far, extreme right, likes to use a term that Nixon coined in the 1970s, "the silent majority". Ironic, since the far right has never been silent and certainly has never been the majority. The last time the "far right" was the majority was the original million man march in the 1920s. World War II changed everything in this country. That's right. What we all argue about now? In some way, everything stems back to WWII and it's aftermath. I'm not talking about global issues. I'm talking about the American psyche. All the things we "argue" about and have become so polarized about all stem to changes we had to make to win the war. We were changed forever.
WWII proved that race or sex weren't a real factor in abilities. The racial structure of this country is rapidly changing. Most of us don't really care about race anymore. We are almost all mortified when we watch some racist rant and rave like a lunatic in a restaurant, yet all those old tensions that many of us were raised around have been coming to a boil over the last decade. The original million man march was in the 1920s and was conducted by the infamous Ku Klux Klan. Most people don't even realize there had been an "original" march, even many of the men who participated in the 1990s version, didn't realize it. But by the middle of the 2020s, an hundred years later, the majority of Americans will be some shade of olive. Estimates are a little "darker" than I am. Are we okay with this? I don't know, but it sure has become a polar point. You are either a fan of this or you are racist. I had a "white", German-Polish in descent, friend, unfriend me and calling me a racist because I didn't like Obama. I didn't like my increase in taxes that made my life more difficult, and yes, I blamed Obama. But, seriously my ultra-white stereotype friend that I had been friends with for more than 30 years calling me racist? It was laughable. When I pointed that out, she called me a slew of bigot slurs and ended our friendship. Frankly, she had become so far left she didn't see the irony in her own accusations, but it was tantamount to where we were headed as a country. If you don't like this, you have to be that.
The pro-choice movement has suffered from the same attacks. If you are pro-choice, you can't be pro-life. Again, ironic, since the pro-life movement has openly sanctioned murders of doctors and nurses. I'm pretty sure that's life too, so it's really kind of a pick and choose what life matters at that point. But if you are pro-choice, well, you had to hate babies. This was a meme I saw in the last 10 years. What? Come on. Common sense should prevail, right? Pro-choice simply means you don't think other people's problems are your business. MYOB. But suddenly, faced by a former friend who was an extreme Bible thumper, I was bombarded with me sanctioning baby killing. I wanted to buy her a ticket to Somalia. There's plenty of already born babies dying there all the time. She didn't want to hear about those babies. You were either on her side or you weren't. Well, I'm all for saving babies, but I think the ones that are already alive might be more important. There was no in between for her. I was sanctioning baby killing if I didn't agree with her. If you don't agree with this, then you have to be that.
As we strolled through the last decade, most people's blinders have become more like full eye patches. A friend suggested, she's a middle of the road person for the most part, that maybe it's because I've got too many far right leaned friends and acquaintances. My perception might be skewed. Okay, so the great experiment: Get active on far left leaning discussions with the "middle" view, neither right or left, and see what the response was. OMG. The same. Honestly, I think the far left leaning nuts are more volatile and hostile. But, really, redneck trash has been in bar fights or definitely know people who have been, and therefore, at some point, they know they might be pushing a limit. The left, for the most part, as Jay-Z puts it, "wouldn't bust a grape in a food fight". But oh my gosh, can they run their mouths.....People like to say you can't hear if you're talking. Not true. We love these old adages, because they are simple one liners that sound like golden nuggets of wisdom. No, you can't hear if you have closed your mind. If you have polarized yourself, and yes this is all on each of us, you can't hear what others are saying, because you have reached the point where no matter what someone else says, it has to fit your narrative or it's untrue. We close ourselves off to "hearing" what we don't want to hear and we can't see the forest for the trees.
Compromise, a friend said recently, has become a thing of the past. Yet, I have conversations with a lot of my good friends that even when we disagree, we both walk away with something to think about. The best friend that suggested that I always have more facts, well, she always teaches me something. When we have differing views, I've learned more about a subject and vice versa, and both of us walk away with more information to digest. She and I have discussed this polarization at length. We both agree that it's ruining this country and neither of us have the solution to get out of these polarized ruts. It's like 2 ditches on the opposite sides of a road. If you fall into one, there's no way to get out of it, and the road of compromise in between is getting narrower and narrower.
This goes on all the time a friend told me. It's part of daily life. Yes, I suppose for some people this is true. An acquaintance said I needed to make up my mind and get off the fence on a certain issue that was going on between two friends. First, it's between them. I'm riding the fence, because really it's none of my business. Bluntly, it isn't really the acquaintance's business either. But it got me thinking on all this. So the second point? Why in the hell do any of us have to pick a side? I can think they both are wrong, both are right, anything in between or have no opinion whatsoever. Finally, everyone that started picking sides? Well, those aren't really mature adults, are they? They all started demanding everyone pick sides suddenly, like they were in a bad movie with Lindsey Lohan. That is what we've digressed to in every subject in this country, and all I can say is I like the middle road. I'm not here to win a popularity contest, and real adults wouldn't be either.
Years ago, a guy I worked with, "Chance", said when all Americans were engaged in political debates it would be a nightmare. They wouldn't have a clue what they were talking about the majority of the time, they would digress into high school antics and nothing would get done. We were better off, he said, if the ignorant portion stayed ignorant watching their NASCAR or basketball, drinking beer and scratching themselves and as far away from politics as possible. They would turn the whole country into one big joke. "Chance", I concede. Twenty-five years later, and the internet, have proven he was right. People who really are too lazy to know what they are talking about too easily grab one liner memes and run with them. It was better when people who didn't know what they were talking about didn't pretend to be in the know. We could talk like he and I did that day and then just agree to disagree until one of us was proven wrong. I was wrong. I long for the days where people too lazy to pretend to know just go back to drinking beer and scratching themselves. Leave the politics to those that actually really care, are the true middle majority, and who are capable of compromise.
My one bestie actually said it's probably a curse in some ways. Maybe. It certainly serves me well when it comes to work. I can remember details about how things are supposed to work, what's required, what's not, what things I need to get done, priorities, et cetera. But I can visualize anything back like it just happened. It's not hard for me to recall with a weird precision more things than apparently is "normal". I can remember coming home to my grandmother watching a new show in the 80s, some woman from Chicago who was just becoming an afternoon favorite with the women who were still housewives, you might know her--Oprah Winfrey. I sat on the floor next to Grams on the sofa and asked her what she was watching. She shushed me and said this was important and I needed to watch. It's really nice to be able to recall that like it happened yesterday and see my grandmother in my mind sitting on her sofa. It gives me comfort while bringing tears to my eyes. But what was so important I watch was the discussion on one of those subjects that would eventually become one of those polarized subjects where you are either this or that and there can be no compromise. The subject was abortion. Nope, we're not going there.
Where we are going? Well, unfortunately abortion is just one of many subjects that you have to be this way or that. The polarization in this country is where we are going. The far, extreme right, likes to use a term that Nixon coined in the 1970s, "the silent majority". Ironic, since the far right has never been silent and certainly has never been the majority. The last time the "far right" was the majority was the original million man march in the 1920s. World War II changed everything in this country. That's right. What we all argue about now? In some way, everything stems back to WWII and it's aftermath. I'm not talking about global issues. I'm talking about the American psyche. All the things we "argue" about and have become so polarized about all stem to changes we had to make to win the war. We were changed forever.
WWII proved that race or sex weren't a real factor in abilities. The racial structure of this country is rapidly changing. Most of us don't really care about race anymore. We are almost all mortified when we watch some racist rant and rave like a lunatic in a restaurant, yet all those old tensions that many of us were raised around have been coming to a boil over the last decade. The original million man march was in the 1920s and was conducted by the infamous Ku Klux Klan. Most people don't even realize there had been an "original" march, even many of the men who participated in the 1990s version, didn't realize it. But by the middle of the 2020s, an hundred years later, the majority of Americans will be some shade of olive. Estimates are a little "darker" than I am. Are we okay with this? I don't know, but it sure has become a polar point. You are either a fan of this or you are racist. I had a "white", German-Polish in descent, friend, unfriend me and calling me a racist because I didn't like Obama. I didn't like my increase in taxes that made my life more difficult, and yes, I blamed Obama. But, seriously my ultra-white stereotype friend that I had been friends with for more than 30 years calling me racist? It was laughable. When I pointed that out, she called me a slew of bigot slurs and ended our friendship. Frankly, she had become so far left she didn't see the irony in her own accusations, but it was tantamount to where we were headed as a country. If you don't like this, you have to be that.
The pro-choice movement has suffered from the same attacks. If you are pro-choice, you can't be pro-life. Again, ironic, since the pro-life movement has openly sanctioned murders of doctors and nurses. I'm pretty sure that's life too, so it's really kind of a pick and choose what life matters at that point. But if you are pro-choice, well, you had to hate babies. This was a meme I saw in the last 10 years. What? Come on. Common sense should prevail, right? Pro-choice simply means you don't think other people's problems are your business. MYOB. But suddenly, faced by a former friend who was an extreme Bible thumper, I was bombarded with me sanctioning baby killing. I wanted to buy her a ticket to Somalia. There's plenty of already born babies dying there all the time. She didn't want to hear about those babies. You were either on her side or you weren't. Well, I'm all for saving babies, but I think the ones that are already alive might be more important. There was no in between for her. I was sanctioning baby killing if I didn't agree with her. If you don't agree with this, then you have to be that.
As we strolled through the last decade, most people's blinders have become more like full eye patches. A friend suggested, she's a middle of the road person for the most part, that maybe it's because I've got too many far right leaned friends and acquaintances. My perception might be skewed. Okay, so the great experiment: Get active on far left leaning discussions with the "middle" view, neither right or left, and see what the response was. OMG. The same. Honestly, I think the far left leaning nuts are more volatile and hostile. But, really, redneck trash has been in bar fights or definitely know people who have been, and therefore, at some point, they know they might be pushing a limit. The left, for the most part, as Jay-Z puts it, "wouldn't bust a grape in a food fight". But oh my gosh, can they run their mouths.....People like to say you can't hear if you're talking. Not true. We love these old adages, because they are simple one liners that sound like golden nuggets of wisdom. No, you can't hear if you have closed your mind. If you have polarized yourself, and yes this is all on each of us, you can't hear what others are saying, because you have reached the point where no matter what someone else says, it has to fit your narrative or it's untrue. We close ourselves off to "hearing" what we don't want to hear and we can't see the forest for the trees.
Compromise, a friend said recently, has become a thing of the past. Yet, I have conversations with a lot of my good friends that even when we disagree, we both walk away with something to think about. The best friend that suggested that I always have more facts, well, she always teaches me something. When we have differing views, I've learned more about a subject and vice versa, and both of us walk away with more information to digest. She and I have discussed this polarization at length. We both agree that it's ruining this country and neither of us have the solution to get out of these polarized ruts. It's like 2 ditches on the opposite sides of a road. If you fall into one, there's no way to get out of it, and the road of compromise in between is getting narrower and narrower.
This goes on all the time a friend told me. It's part of daily life. Yes, I suppose for some people this is true. An acquaintance said I needed to make up my mind and get off the fence on a certain issue that was going on between two friends. First, it's between them. I'm riding the fence, because really it's none of my business. Bluntly, it isn't really the acquaintance's business either. But it got me thinking on all this. So the second point? Why in the hell do any of us have to pick a side? I can think they both are wrong, both are right, anything in between or have no opinion whatsoever. Finally, everyone that started picking sides? Well, those aren't really mature adults, are they? They all started demanding everyone pick sides suddenly, like they were in a bad movie with Lindsey Lohan. That is what we've digressed to in every subject in this country, and all I can say is I like the middle road. I'm not here to win a popularity contest, and real adults wouldn't be either.
Years ago, a guy I worked with, "Chance", said when all Americans were engaged in political debates it would be a nightmare. They wouldn't have a clue what they were talking about the majority of the time, they would digress into high school antics and nothing would get done. We were better off, he said, if the ignorant portion stayed ignorant watching their NASCAR or basketball, drinking beer and scratching themselves and as far away from politics as possible. They would turn the whole country into one big joke. "Chance", I concede. Twenty-five years later, and the internet, have proven he was right. People who really are too lazy to know what they are talking about too easily grab one liner memes and run with them. It was better when people who didn't know what they were talking about didn't pretend to be in the know. We could talk like he and I did that day and then just agree to disagree until one of us was proven wrong. I was wrong. I long for the days where people too lazy to pretend to know just go back to drinking beer and scratching themselves. Leave the politics to those that actually really care, are the true middle majority, and who are capable of compromise.
Sunday, January 28, 2018
New Year's Blog...
Okay, granted the new year's blog is a bit late coming this year. It wasn't that I didn't keep my goal last year. I did, but it's about how that goal expanded early on in the year also. I wasn't sure how to express that, and honestly, I was wondering what I wanted to state as goals for 2018. I suppose I could have separated them, but truth is I might still be digesting the impact of the 2017 goal. Maybe I'm just going to be extending the goal, but finally I decided that isn't actually a good approach. New goals keep us moving forward. Some goals might take more than a year to accomplish, but the goal should be to get started and create a new mindset, what some might refer to as a habit.
Towards the end of 2016, I had promised that I would quit dating anyone that I didn't really have any interest in. This became a promise for the new year. No more guys that had serious red flags. I had developed a habit of dating someone that was somehow not ever going to be long term--some just by something minor, others by glaring issues. How I developed the habit was because I had always put my boys needs first. Anything that potentially was going to interfere with me being able to care for them always got put to the side. I had a month to myself in the summer, and it was usually when I actually started "dating" someone. After a year, year and an half, I was out. It was somewhat amusing, because I started to realize I was doing this even now with the boys being full grown men. It had practically become part of me at the subconscious level. Last year I read a book on the more recent subconscious studies and findings, and in retrospect, I had been doing the same thing over and over when it came to dating. I thought because I never dated anyone that was similar to anyone else, different jobs, different educations, different backgrounds, et cetera, that I was avoiding a "type". In fact, my "type" had become two main things: Different from anyone else I had ever dated and had a glaring reason to be dumped eventually. I even stayed in relationships that had zero tangible reason to even launch, just because the timeline had become part of my subconscious.
For most people, this sounds like it should be pretty easy. But the truth is that the conscious mind has little to do with what we do. There used to be a scientific belief that most people use less than 5% of their minds, and that even geniuses like Albert Einstein used only 10% give or take. We now know, true but not true. Our minds are actually using a lot more but not the way we would like to think. We are consciously only using 5 to 10%. The rest is all subconscious. That makes sense though. How often do you think about your heart rate, your blood flow, taking breaths? We don't give any of this a second thought, but we don't because our minds, subconsciously, are actually giving it all continuous thought. But more recently they have found the idea that we create habitual patterns that become so subconscious that our conscious is not even making those decisions. It seems obvious if your pattern is dating a physical stereotype. However, mental stereotypes are far more powerful. My mental stereotype was intentionally avoiding any real relationships. I used to joke "I have my stupid conversations with my friends." So I tended to date guys that I felt would add to my intellectual growth. I really had to consciously pick apart what was actually similar, and deciding consciously to stop it. Sounds easy, but it's really difficult. Try chewing a stick of gum. Do you chew with your mouth open, closed or a mix? Now try to chew differently and start watching the television. At the first commercial break you will notice you've started chewing the way you always do. It's a habit. (I chose this example because it works for everyone that stops paying attention to chewing intentionally different.) Now imagine this override is in everything we do--including dating.
The funny thing is I already said this was a success story. I have successfully stopped doing this nonsense. I believe that most of us can break most bad habits in 3 months. I'll admit this has been more of a year long endeavor. Most bad habits, like chewing your food with your mouth open, we can break relatively quickly. But once I realized that I was able to break this habit, then I realized it wasn't just dating where I was allowing toxic people into my life. There are friends that you meet and within 3 to 6 months you know they are always going to be friends, but with others you get that nagging feeling that even though consciously they seem to be a great friend that you'll never be able to trust them. There's an irony here, because most people can only pick out lies less than 60% of the time. The more you are around "good" liars, the harder it becomes for you to discern truth from lies. It's also proven now that most people lie daily. It's debatable though, because you lie when you tell someone you're having a good day when it's not that great. So I look at these statistics as iffy. A lie is relative. It should be okay to tell a busybody it's none of their business, but a busybody will call you an asshole behind your back for being honest. For many of us, it's just easier to not say anything or tell a white lie. So earlier last year, one of these lying types, well, she hit my limit, but I was still maintaining being her friend, although I had realized that she was a user. You know the types. They manipulate people to do what they want and they do tend to be smarter than the average bear, so some people might not even realize they are being manipulated. How do you deal with people that you know are no longer any value add to your life?
Certainly a manipulative person, male or female, has no value to your life. These aren't "good" people because by nature manipulative people are about themselves. You are always secondary to what they want, what they believe they need, and you will never be their real priority. It will always be about what they can get out of you if they do something for you. Arguably, this may be at a subconscious level for them too, but from a conscious level, how much of you are you willing to give up for much less or even nothing in return? When this particular person attempted to get me to change my vacation to accommodate her, it was the final straw. She was supposed to come along on my dime. But thanks to her, I realized I was keeping people in my life that were not value add either. Subconsciously, I was trying to accommodate her manipulations even though I knew she did it, because I was doing the same thing with so-called friends. I would try to give them the benefit of the doubt, not with a timeline, but until they had really taken advantage way passed the acceptable level. All of the sudden, I looked around at the friends I had. Some were value add and some were not. There was no value add having a manipulative person in my life. She had been in an abusive relationship, so perhaps there was reasoning that she was doing this consciously and subconsciously. However, what am I willing to have in my life? Subconsciously, I may be keeping these people, but it was time to consciously start living my life free of their nonsense. We all have enough issues of our own without adding others issues.
Now, I'm not advocating leaving proven friendships that have been value add. We do all have our own issues, but manipulative, users, backstabbers, et cetera? I see posts from a few friends on social media quite regularly about being screwed over again by yet another so-called friend. It's not that we cannot make friends with new people. It's that we should drop the people that are not proving to be value add to our lives. The people who are value add, well, they make up what helps us understand ourselves better. Our honest friends in their hardships help us be better people by allowing us to develop sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Being value add isn't about what we get from the friendships but what we exchange. As one of my best friends said to me the other day, "you make me think and a better person." She makes me think and a better person too. And that is what is real friendship. Subconsciously we might not always pick the best quality of people to be acquainted with, but truly value add friendships make us better people consciously.
So, I said at the beginning, breaking that bad habit of choosing consistently "wrong" dating relationships was a successful effort that eventually evolved into extracting myself from "wrong" friendships. But then I also eluded that somethings might need to be extended, but not really being necessary. As someone once told me, "it's easier to fall in with the wrong people than the right ones." I don't think this is true, but it is something that we have to consciously evaluate whether we are around the right people or the wrong. Plus, right or wrong is relative, but most certainly if you're on social media wondering why you don't have the right person in your life, why you have all these backstabbers as friends, it probably time to evaluate what you choose to have in your life. It's still your choices, albeit subconscious, but still on you. It's on me, and although it was just a goal for 2017, it's a constant life choice, every day, every week, every year. Building a good subconscious habit is only the start, but it's the good foundation that was the goal, the habit of choosing better.
So what about 2018? Maintain the 2017 foundation on being better to myself and surrounding myself with friends that have value add and that I provide value add to their lives. I'm really quite content. I'd say I'll read more, but I already read quite a bit. Maybe next blog...
Towards the end of 2016, I had promised that I would quit dating anyone that I didn't really have any interest in. This became a promise for the new year. No more guys that had serious red flags. I had developed a habit of dating someone that was somehow not ever going to be long term--some just by something minor, others by glaring issues. How I developed the habit was because I had always put my boys needs first. Anything that potentially was going to interfere with me being able to care for them always got put to the side. I had a month to myself in the summer, and it was usually when I actually started "dating" someone. After a year, year and an half, I was out. It was somewhat amusing, because I started to realize I was doing this even now with the boys being full grown men. It had practically become part of me at the subconscious level. Last year I read a book on the more recent subconscious studies and findings, and in retrospect, I had been doing the same thing over and over when it came to dating. I thought because I never dated anyone that was similar to anyone else, different jobs, different educations, different backgrounds, et cetera, that I was avoiding a "type". In fact, my "type" had become two main things: Different from anyone else I had ever dated and had a glaring reason to be dumped eventually. I even stayed in relationships that had zero tangible reason to even launch, just because the timeline had become part of my subconscious.
For most people, this sounds like it should be pretty easy. But the truth is that the conscious mind has little to do with what we do. There used to be a scientific belief that most people use less than 5% of their minds, and that even geniuses like Albert Einstein used only 10% give or take. We now know, true but not true. Our minds are actually using a lot more but not the way we would like to think. We are consciously only using 5 to 10%. The rest is all subconscious. That makes sense though. How often do you think about your heart rate, your blood flow, taking breaths? We don't give any of this a second thought, but we don't because our minds, subconsciously, are actually giving it all continuous thought. But more recently they have found the idea that we create habitual patterns that become so subconscious that our conscious is not even making those decisions. It seems obvious if your pattern is dating a physical stereotype. However, mental stereotypes are far more powerful. My mental stereotype was intentionally avoiding any real relationships. I used to joke "I have my stupid conversations with my friends." So I tended to date guys that I felt would add to my intellectual growth. I really had to consciously pick apart what was actually similar, and deciding consciously to stop it. Sounds easy, but it's really difficult. Try chewing a stick of gum. Do you chew with your mouth open, closed or a mix? Now try to chew differently and start watching the television. At the first commercial break you will notice you've started chewing the way you always do. It's a habit. (I chose this example because it works for everyone that stops paying attention to chewing intentionally different.) Now imagine this override is in everything we do--including dating.
The funny thing is I already said this was a success story. I have successfully stopped doing this nonsense. I believe that most of us can break most bad habits in 3 months. I'll admit this has been more of a year long endeavor. Most bad habits, like chewing your food with your mouth open, we can break relatively quickly. But once I realized that I was able to break this habit, then I realized it wasn't just dating where I was allowing toxic people into my life. There are friends that you meet and within 3 to 6 months you know they are always going to be friends, but with others you get that nagging feeling that even though consciously they seem to be a great friend that you'll never be able to trust them. There's an irony here, because most people can only pick out lies less than 60% of the time. The more you are around "good" liars, the harder it becomes for you to discern truth from lies. It's also proven now that most people lie daily. It's debatable though, because you lie when you tell someone you're having a good day when it's not that great. So I look at these statistics as iffy. A lie is relative. It should be okay to tell a busybody it's none of their business, but a busybody will call you an asshole behind your back for being honest. For many of us, it's just easier to not say anything or tell a white lie. So earlier last year, one of these lying types, well, she hit my limit, but I was still maintaining being her friend, although I had realized that she was a user. You know the types. They manipulate people to do what they want and they do tend to be smarter than the average bear, so some people might not even realize they are being manipulated. How do you deal with people that you know are no longer any value add to your life?
Certainly a manipulative person, male or female, has no value to your life. These aren't "good" people because by nature manipulative people are about themselves. You are always secondary to what they want, what they believe they need, and you will never be their real priority. It will always be about what they can get out of you if they do something for you. Arguably, this may be at a subconscious level for them too, but from a conscious level, how much of you are you willing to give up for much less or even nothing in return? When this particular person attempted to get me to change my vacation to accommodate her, it was the final straw. She was supposed to come along on my dime. But thanks to her, I realized I was keeping people in my life that were not value add either. Subconsciously, I was trying to accommodate her manipulations even though I knew she did it, because I was doing the same thing with so-called friends. I would try to give them the benefit of the doubt, not with a timeline, but until they had really taken advantage way passed the acceptable level. All of the sudden, I looked around at the friends I had. Some were value add and some were not. There was no value add having a manipulative person in my life. She had been in an abusive relationship, so perhaps there was reasoning that she was doing this consciously and subconsciously. However, what am I willing to have in my life? Subconsciously, I may be keeping these people, but it was time to consciously start living my life free of their nonsense. We all have enough issues of our own without adding others issues.
Now, I'm not advocating leaving proven friendships that have been value add. We do all have our own issues, but manipulative, users, backstabbers, et cetera? I see posts from a few friends on social media quite regularly about being screwed over again by yet another so-called friend. It's not that we cannot make friends with new people. It's that we should drop the people that are not proving to be value add to our lives. The people who are value add, well, they make up what helps us understand ourselves better. Our honest friends in their hardships help us be better people by allowing us to develop sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Being value add isn't about what we get from the friendships but what we exchange. As one of my best friends said to me the other day, "you make me think and a better person." She makes me think and a better person too. And that is what is real friendship. Subconsciously we might not always pick the best quality of people to be acquainted with, but truly value add friendships make us better people consciously.
So, I said at the beginning, breaking that bad habit of choosing consistently "wrong" dating relationships was a successful effort that eventually evolved into extracting myself from "wrong" friendships. But then I also eluded that somethings might need to be extended, but not really being necessary. As someone once told me, "it's easier to fall in with the wrong people than the right ones." I don't think this is true, but it is something that we have to consciously evaluate whether we are around the right people or the wrong. Plus, right or wrong is relative, but most certainly if you're on social media wondering why you don't have the right person in your life, why you have all these backstabbers as friends, it probably time to evaluate what you choose to have in your life. It's still your choices, albeit subconscious, but still on you. It's on me, and although it was just a goal for 2017, it's a constant life choice, every day, every week, every year. Building a good subconscious habit is only the start, but it's the good foundation that was the goal, the habit of choosing better.
So what about 2018? Maintain the 2017 foundation on being better to myself and surrounding myself with friends that have value add and that I provide value add to their lives. I'm really quite content. I'd say I'll read more, but I already read quite a bit. Maybe next blog...
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