A force of nature or the chicken coop?

Have you ever wondered what makes the perfect relationship?  Yea, me too.  It's like patches of clover in my yard. I've seen other people successfully pick four leaf clovers out of the clover, so I know they are there.  But damned if I can find one.  I could stand there all day looking and that "perfect" relationship is about as hard for me to find as that damn fourth leaf.  Admittedly, I really haven't tried very hard to find either.  I have the attention span of a gnat.  I've got better things to do than hunt through clover.  Likewise, I typically have a lot of far more interesting things to do than wait on a man to find me or me to find a man.  So it's probably no surprise that anyone I've dated has usually hit on me first, been the one showing the initial interest, and then me doing one of two things--showing interest or not.  More often, not. 

For my friends that have known me for years, they will point out that I probably have a tendency to jump ship as soon as possible.  First sign of bad weather and I'm steering the rudder in the direction of calmer seas.  It's not that I can't handle a storm; I've been through quite a few.  Sometimes I'm a force of nature, so I have no qualms at steering head on into the eye of a storm.  Taking on a storm is exhausting though and it takes time to recharge.  Even a force of nature has to have calm seas.  Tsunamis are only around for one season out of four.  So I just cannot see constantly driving the rudder into a storm that someone else keeps creating.

The other problem is I have always had a lot of priorities.  A relationship has really just never been one.  My boys always came first.  My career always came second.  My personal life was and still is about my friends--especially the friends that are like family or that are very close to me.  Of course, that's not to say that I haven't had a couple of relationships that I look back on and think maybe I should have stayed there.  But the reality is that there is only one relationship total that I look back on and cannot justify the mistakes that I made, giving up on it, going absolutely crazy trying to figure out how to make it work, and then finally residing myself that it was never going to work.  And, the one thing I'm sure of is that I never want to have to rack my brain like that again.  

A very good friend of mine just found his soulmate.  She's perfect for him and from what I have observed, he is perfect for her.  That seems to make a very happy relationship and they aren't the first couple I know like this as I've stated in previous blogs.  But for him, well, this always seemed like it would be a toss.  He had some very rocky relationships in the past and it was sometimes how he acted in the relationships as much as it was how the women acted.  Yet, some way out of seemingly nowhere, he's in the perfect relationship for him.  So there has to be hope for all of us, even ones like me that are absolute hard cases.  (Laugh, it's funny.)

Friends over the years have joked that I'm like that white tail deer you just spooked that takes off into the woods.  I used to joke that I was "nothing but cottontail"--in reference to a spooked rabbit.  When I was younger I was engaged and I probably would've married him and lived my life as a teacher--quiet little patch of land somewhere in God's country.  But, a big argument and I never answered his calls again.  The wrong words.  Of course, we were super young and the reality is that I always wanted something.  Just never knew what that something was.  The impetuousness of youth I suppose.  By the time I figured out what I wanted, I thought I had the "perfect" relationship.  Another impetuous fancy of youth.  Perfect for me is so much more complicated.  I used to joke that I could have my stupid conversations with my friends.  Yet, most of my friends are pretty smart, so I can have my "smart" conversations with them too.  The only thing I really need from a man is, well, my Grams raised me better than that.  Go figure.  

Of course, I have a lot of male friends and have even dated one or two of them.  There's even one in there that I look back and think God didn't make one more like me than him.  Should've stayed there too maybe.  But, well, we don't have a lot of common hobbies so yea, maybe not.  My best friend is a guy.  I mean if we talk about the friend that I've known the longest, can talk about absolutely anything, and all that.  Forty years plus knowing someone makes a pretty deep friendship.  Of course, he's not my type and I'm not his type.  Just fact.  But if I really want real advise about a relationship, I'm calling him.  This probably will not excite my many girlfriends that have listened to me gripe about relationships over the years.  But the truth is that if he hasn't heard the guy's name, then the guy just isn't getting very far.  And if he's hearing it because I want advise, the guy is on his way out--as many of my girlfriends know.  He never even met my ex--because well, maybe my ex just wasn't really "it"--whatever "it" is.  Of course, he's a bit more steady than me.  I'm a bit flighty, as Grams would've put it.  If it weren't for my boys, I'd be living on a Caribbean island, serving mai tais, riding my Harley around in circles and working on the never ending novel while listening to the waves rolling in.  Okay, maybe not a Caribbean island, I think that circle thing would make me dizzy--flighty is bad enough.  

So what was the point of this blog?  Wow.  Really, sometimes these things have no point at all other than to clear my head and maybe make a little break in your day.  Do I want a real relationship?  Maybe, maybe not.  OK, probably more maybe.  But do I want to argue over ridiculous sh*t?  Or be told what to do?  If you've actually met me then you know that is literally like trying to control the wind.  The best anyone can hope for is just enjoying the breeze.  I cannot stand the idea of being controlled.  Hmmm, I can probably blame a couple control freak ex-boyfriends, but hey, that friend of mine who has found his "perfect"--well, there's still hope.  Okay, maybe not.  Funny how quickly that works....I'm happy just like I am right now and given everything I've done or had done to me in my life I'll take it.  Happy and alone is way better than with someone and miserable.  I'd rather be a force of nature than a chicken in a coop.  

We all make mistakes--not taking a second to LOOK TWICE should never be one of them

Yesterday was a motorcycle run, what we bikers call a Poker Run, although several states have tried defining them as "gambling" and illegal.  This isn't about that.  It was a run for the "LOOK TWICE, SAVE A LIFE" campaign.  On the way home, as I came up on the neighborhood Walmart, a little silver car never even paused coming out of the parking lot, flying at about 20-25 miles an hour--this is pretty fast in a parking lot and to be not even pausing onto a major 4 lane road.  Of course, he saw the cars behind me.  The guy didn't see me.  His hurry was for nothing.  We were stopped by the red light 75 feet away.  I was along side, because he had flown across into the left lane on top of it.  I beeped my horn, looked at him and mouthed "Thanks, Thanks a lot for looking first."  Okay, I didn't mouth it only but he had his windows up.  What pissed me off wasn't that.  For me, I had enough time to react; a few feet more--maybe, maybe not.  What actually pissed me off even more is he had a kid in the car with him.  Sitting in a center booster in the man's backseat.  The "Look Twice, Save a Life" campaign focuses on motorcycles, but since he was blatantly not paying attention and going too fast to stop coming out of that parking lot, he and more importantly, the boy--assuming his child, could've been injured had I been in my truck or car instead.  A motorcyclist has a minor advantage that if we can see it soon enough our vehicles can stop faster--but that isn't an advantage when we have a vehicle behind us.  Because they can't!!!  So this guy, in a split second, decided it might be okay for him, his son or anyone else to be injured or even killed.  He decided it might be okay for his son to witness someone die because of his poor decision.

Yes, I've heard the arguments about helmets.  Yet study after study shows that the frontal portion of the biker is where the most damage occurs.  Most helmets do not cover the front portion of the face--and that protection is not near as much.  But why frontal damage?  Because we are hit from behind or someone pulls in front of us and we are thrown....FORWARD.  If we had been closer, I may or may not have been able to react fast enough, but the vehicle behind me, an large SUV, she wouldn't have been able to.  So this guy made a decision that not only affected him, his son, me and now this lady behind me and whoever was in her vehicle.  I was fortunate she was not riding right behind me and allowed herself plenty of reaction space between our vehicles.  But had she been where I was when he did this, she may have hit him.  He didn't care that he didn't stop to see me.  But he didn't think that between her and me might not be enough room either.  He couldn't be sure.  He came out of nowhere in the parking lot and flew into the road.  He had no time to gauge how fast she was going even if he didn't see me.  He definitely saw that there were about 5 cars and SUVs around me, but hey maybe not.   He came out of nowhere.  I was watching for him....That was the only difference and it might not have helped if he were only a couple of seconds later coming out of that parking lot.

I know, so I'm responsible, but you're sick of those motorcycles that are going too fast and zipping between traffic lines.  All bikers know that some of the younger people riding some bikes, and even some of the older, are not as responsible as we would like.  But they typically are not the norm.  Of 66.7M bikers on the roads in the United States, we know that less than 20% are sport bike riders--that group that most people equate with doing the stupid tricks on the freeways, flying way too fast, cutting between lines of traffic.  The average age of these riders is 28 years old.  They are young and sometimes impetuous, and yes, sometimes their speed plays a big factor not because someone didn't pull out in front of them but because they had not allowed themselves a reaction time.  But they are someone's child, someone's friend, someone's heart.  They mean something to someone and you wouldn't want someone to disregard someone that you care about.  The other point is that most of us are responsible for the most part.  We all make mistakes, but the mistake that we make shouldn't be something as simple as not taking a couple of seconds to take a second look.

In spite of that show by Peggy Buddy and her husband, the truth is 99% of bikers are just like you.  They have jobs.  They pay taxes.  They bitch about the same politicians.  They have to pay bills.  They have families.  Many of them are just going through a mid-life crisis and will ride for 2 or 3 years and then sell their bike for a boat or a vacation site.  Some of us are life long bikers.  I grew up with motorcycles.  My uncle dragged NRHA in the 60s and 70s.  My father worked as a structural engineer on my uncle's bike.  They were both mechanical engineers.  My uncle worked in the US auto industry.  My dad was a structural engineer that worked all over the country.  I rode the tank when I was a toddler--to my Grams' dismay.  Some bikers are teachers, construction workers, quality assurance techs, hair dressers, CEOs.  We are just like you, only our hobby is an iron horse.

LOOK TWICE, SAVE A LIFE is not just about motorcycles.  When you come up to a stop, you cannot assume anything.  You need to look twice.  Not just for motorcycles, for anyone.  I have a bright orange truck, and I've had plenty of people pull out in front of my truck.  That truck sticks out like a sore thumb, yet time and time again, I've had people put their lives, their passengers' lives, my life and my passengers' lives in danger, because they can't take a couple of extra seconds to look twice.  It's not just motorcyclists' lives that you might save.  It might be yours or someone you love.

The Zealots make it complicated.... But it really is pretty simple

Let's face it.  If you know me, personally--in person, then you know I won't lie and I pull no punches.  I'm a walking encyclopedia--if I've heard anything that sparked my interested, I've researched it.  Now, that doesn't mean that I know everything.  There is plenty of stuff I could absolutely care less about, and there are some things I've gotten curious about and may know a good bit about but not everything.  For example, I love to cook, because Grams taught me to cook by taste and I love to try and recreate stuff I like.  Cookbooks only get you part of the way there.  Anyone can cook, but making something amazing is relative to who you're serving it to and to a little thing called talent.  I can cook, but I'm no chef.  Of course, when you're a walking encyclopedia compared to the average person, well, suffice to say I know a lot of superfluous stuff that other people have no clue.  So as of late, I've gotten pretty annoyed by the religious right.  Don't get me wrong.  The far right religious right has always annoyed me a little.  I'm pro-choice--just like my Grams and First Lady Nancy Reagan were.  I believe that our religion needs to be kept in our own churches and our own homes, and if you truly believe it is your role to spread your religion, then you do so with an open heart and only by saying what your religion has done for you.  Unfortunately this is not how the far right religious right behaves and they are like an infection sometimes spreading their dis-knowledge and hate.

Oh boy.  I know it's a huge can of worms talking about religion, but this isn't about your religion or religions.  Yes, some people actually follow multiple "religions" or religious beliefs and in the United States of America, this is supposed to be fine, perfectly acceptable--thanks to a thing that we call the First Amendment.  No, I'm not trying to get you to give up your religion.  I'm just trying to point out that your religion, even the interpretation of your own religion, isn't always the same as others that practice your religion.  

The far religious right has made the arguments against abortion.  Often these conversations, when I have been willing to venture into them with someone, have ended with them wanting to "save babies".  Do you realize how many unwanted children are out there?  Needing real homes?  Are these "babies" that need saving going to end up as those unwanted children?  Let's skip the religious arguments.  Look up how often women died of "unknown" abdominal bleeding in the early 1900s through the 1960s.  The counts were actually massive.  Yet, after Roe v. Wade, those numbers dropped drastically.  That's why Nancy Reagan, my Grams and others of their generation were pro-choice.  My Grams had explained to me how one of her college sorority sisters died from a back room, coat hanger abortion because she didn't want to tell her family she had gotten pregnant.  Grams explained to me that her friend could've gotten an abortion in a hospital, money talked, if she had told her family.  They had the money.  But she was so ashamed and she ended up bleeding to death because of the botched effort made by some scam artist in a backroom.  Now, I have heard the far right religious argument here.  She deserved to die.  Seriously.  Sometimes, these people blow my mind.  No one deserves to die for a mistake.  These people cast stones like its going out of style, and yet one of the primary tenements of all the Abrahamics is to cast no judgement unless you want to be judged yourself.  The far Christian right actually offends almost all other Christian beliefs when it really comes down to it.  The majority of American Christians, regardless of which sect, do not believe it's okay to kill a woman that is thinking about getting an abortion, blowing up the Atlanta Olympics or killing a doctor or nurse.  Most Christians are totally mortified by this, but they let the far Christian right be their voice.  Even more eerily, they allow the far right arguments to win them over without all their own religion's facts. 

The next argument that I get is that God says or God tells you or God says it in the Bible.  Well, no, there's actually nothing about abortion in the Bible.  Nothing.  Not a single word.  What does the Bible actually say?  It doesn't actually say anything about conception.  That's actually a falsehood.  Some man added that to a sermon and it's a lie that took on a life of its own.  He probably added it because backroom abortions have been taking place for centuries prior to this argument that takes place now.  What does the Bible say?  It actually tells the story of the beginning of life in Genesis and it says is that life began when God breathed the living breath into the first being (human being).  By that, then life begins when you take your first breath.  Control of the churches up until the last 100 years has been primarily by men.  Female ministers are only a more recent--last 50 years or so--anomaly.  Men have dominated the religious make up for the Abrahamics and still continue to.  And that's fine, but it's not going to change that the Bible doesn't say anything for or against being pro-choice.  What it does say gives most Christians a reason to be pro-choice.  Life begins at your first breath.

That's not to say that any of Christians need to change what their beliefs are.  Just a reason to analyze what a minister told you may or may not be a reason to believe what you believe.  Which always brings me to my most amazed discovery over the years.  How many Christians have never read the Bible.  In recent studies trying to reduce Islamic extremists in the Middle East and Africa, they have discovered that many of the extremists cannot read, so they have never read the Quran for themselves.  They have listened to someone else, someone else's interpretation and often have been mislead as to what a section means or even what it actually says.  This is called Brainwashing.  We have seen it over and over and over.  Neo-nazi recruiters in the 80s used it.  Charlie Manson used it.  I'm not saying that a minister is intentionally misleading his or her flock if they teach that abortion is wrong, but there's really not an idea in the Bible that conception is where life begins.  So Christians are free to decide what they believe, and not have someone dictate to them what they should or shouldn't believe.

What's even more important is that it means no Christians, far right or otherwise, should be cramming their own personal belief down anyone else's throat.  Using myself as an example, I believe life begins before a baby take its first breath.  While I was raised Christian and I follow many of Christ's teachings, I am Taoist.  I follow many Buddhist beliefs.  Most Buddhists believe that life begins when the soul enters the body, so at that point, the fetus becomes a baby to me.  When the soul enters the body is all debatable.  However, science has proven that a fetus cannot survive outside of the womb prior to a heartbeat and there are no brain waves until a couple of weeks after the heartbeat begins.  Whether you believe in reincarnation or not, this suggests that once the brain waves start, the fetus becomes able to respond and begins developing as its own entity, separate of the mother.  Most religions believe as Christians do in a soul or something similar, some greater energy than just our body.  I believe after some undetermined amount of time after the brain is capable of working a soul enters the body of the fetus, transforming it from a fetus to a baby.  At this point, abortion to me is no longer viable.  However, this is my belief.  Intentional baby responses, such as kicking when the mother pushes the baby's foot, take an additional couple of months after.  I'm sure it could be debated that the soul waits until a certain amount of brain capacity has been developed.  Not sure.  I have a scientific based point in time that helps substantiate my belief. 

So I know some people would disagree with my opinion, because it's an opinion.  I have no proof one way or the other when the "soul" enters the body.  But in an interview, the Dalai Lama was once asked "what if science could prove there's no such thing as reincarnation?". His response was "we (Buddhists and Hindus) would simply stop believing in it, but how will they prove it?". Some things we simply go on faith.  I have faith that there is reincarnation and that there is karma. We could be wrong, but science cannot prove we are wrong.... At least not yet.  My opinion is based on that faith.  Science has proven when a fetus's heartbeat starts, when the brainwaves start, but how would they prove when a soul is present?  There's no definite God's word.  Each of us is free to form our own opinion based on our faith and other sources.  But it's time we start respecting that each of us forms our own opinions based on something none of us can ever know for sure.  I am loathe to have the audacity to tell anyone that they have to live by my belief, so I am equally loathe of people that would tell me that I have to live by their religious based, personal faith based, opinion.  

The fact is that over 80% of Americans do not have an issue with abortion during the first trimester.  And while my timeline is a little shorter, I think what most of us can agree we need to leave this issue and move on.  The Founding Fathers thought Freedom of Religion was so important that they included it right away as part of the First Amendment.  My opinion based on my faith should not dictate what anyone else can or cannot do, and neither should yours. It really is just that simple.  It's the zealots that have to make it so complicated.