Yesterday I got a massage at the Spa while on my vacation in Paradise. I'll have to admit since I have the attention span of a gnat I was reluctant to have an hour long one. After a couple minutes waiting, I was propped up on my elbows thinking "well damn it". However, I came to the conclusion that I would just have to talk to the masseuse so I wouldn't be fidgety. The talk took an unexpected turn when she shared that some men, even with their wives present, will start playing with themselves. (WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with some of you a-holes? With or without your wives present, the lack of class, couth and respect deserves to be pointed out.) Anyway, she went on to explain how some wives and girlfriends are so insecure that even if they don't want a massage themselves they will insist on being present sitting there watching for up to 80 minutes. At what point have women had to be so untrusting, so indelicate, so demeaned, that they feel they actually have to sit there for an hour just watching a damn massage? Really ladies, at a major resort? You think another woman would risk her livelihood for your hairy, balding, oversized pig who walked in with his Walmart flip flops and his $10 special swim trunks. Honestly, I don't care if he is wearing Gucci. He's gone tomorrow and she knows it. And she's got bills to pay, maybe a man at home, and she's not interested in your idiot's fantasies. If you barely are, be sure she definitely isn't.
What it definitely is? A reflection of how women have been treated and how it has resulted in a self deprecation going back centuries. Regardless of color, there are some things only women endure. Whether we are hated by other women by being too attractive, body shamed for not being thin or attractive enough, being degraded for turning down a drink, being taunted for not having a man (wow, so many single women I know say they've endured this), feeling like we have to work harder than everyone else to get the same recognition, being immediately stereotyped as a "bitch" if we stand up for ourselves, assuming we can't trust our men, feeling like we have to be a housewife to be "okay" in society, or the opposite feeling like it's not "okay" if we choose to be a housewife, to being stereotyped as feminazis if we are strong, independent women. Believe it or not, all of this goes back centuries. One Queen of England, hell 3, doesn't change 4000 years of male dominated societies, maybe even more. We have come a long way, but we have a long way to go.
How far have we come? Well no matter where you are from, women have had the Right to Vote for less time than the men. What most people don't realize is most men didn't have the Right to Vote either. At the founding of the USA, only roughly 16% of the US population was allowed to vote. They had to be land owners, "white" and male to be citizens up until 1856, when all "white" men were given the Right to Vote regardless of financial or social standing. (Yeah since technically all citizens have always had the Right to Vote by the Constitution, not even all "white" men who were born in the USA were "citizens". Isn't that just lovely. Next blog.) Women couldn't vote. Black men, although many States circumvented it for another 90 years, were given the Right to Vote in technically in 1868. Women still had no legal Right to Vote. We didn't get that until 1920. That's only the last 100 years in a country more than 244 years old.
The reason I focus on voting, because if you have no voice, you cannot expect to be treated like a human being. Women had legally remained "property" even after being granted the Right to Vote. Doweries continued, fathers kept their daughters up until they married, women paraded themselves around hoping to land the best husband--best looking, most money, etc. Women couldn't work, unless their family took a more "progressive" view on it, and even then the majority of educated women were relegated to two jobs. Nurse or Teacher.
Yet, even that was frowned on. An educated woman, in the sense that we think of now, was considered "unusual" and "not good marriage material" (straight out of an etiquette book of the early 1800's). Women who came from good families were taught those things that would make them entertaining and proper and more likely to land a man. Small talk, crochet, drawing, playing the piano, how to dance. Basically we were taught how to be silly and artful while being taught the main goal was to land a man and knowing when to shut the hell up. I'm sorry, to mind our place. Look pretty and play dumb.
We all know that though, right? What most of us don't know is that we remained martial "property" in every State in the USA until 1978. What do I mean by marital property? Your husband could legal rape you in every State, all 50, and every territory of the USA. More than 58 years after we won the Right to Vote, we still didn't have the Rights to our own bodies if we were married.
More shocking? It was only in 1962 we, as in the USA, made it illegal to rape a woman. Wha? Yes, ladies up until 1962 you were a hole and anyone could rape you legally. That's where we had been groomed for centuries to believe if we wore the wrong clothing, if we ventured out of our comfort zones, if we left the house, if we drank too much, rape was all on us. Because no one, no man, was ever going to be legally responsible for raping you. It was all on you. Your fault. You were in the wrong place. You were wearing the wrong outfit. You were asking for it. You wanted it. You deserved it. You're just a little snake making it up because you want to ruin a good man. All those excuses sound familiar? Sure they do. We still hear them today.
But that 1962 law? Didn't save a married woman. She could be raped daily, multiple times a day, if her husband wanted. Again, the first State to change their law was Oregon making rape, well rape, married or not. Don't be too happy ladies. In 1978 that law was case tested, Oregon versus Rideout (seriously the husband's name, no pun intended). The husband had raped and beaten his wife. He was charged and a jury of his own peers (rolling my eyes) acquitted him. However, the facts surrounding the case were a slap in the face. Women made up half the population. We all had the Right to Vote. We were divided on whether she asked for it. Whether she was a spiteful, little snake, just wanting to cause her husband problems. We, a large percentage of us, still looked at her like it was her fault and she should've just accepted it. Fortunately, a majority of us and a lot of men realized this acceptance needed to stop.
So now we weren't martial property? No. Come on now. You didn't think it was that easy to change the laws, let alone mindset, did you? From 1978 to 1993 only 24 States outlawed martial rape. In 1993, we finally had enough support from the male dominated State Senates that martial rape became illegal in all 50 States. In 1994, we somehow had finally garnered enough support for Federal law to address violence against women. The sad part is married women still have a really hard time proving martial rape in some States that have loopholes and higher bars for the women to "prove" rape. South Carolina remains the only State that states a woman must prove threat of violence. Like rape comes in any other version than violent. The victim is physically violated, not just her space but her body. What's more violent than having something in your body you didn't want there?
Still that's not how we usually think about it, even now, 100 years after we got the Right to Vote. We still question whether sexual assault happened, let alone rape. And so many of us, as in us women, don't realize that sexual assault still gets poo-poo'd by us, let alone the men. Dr. Ford ringing any bells ladies? How many of you called her a liar or know another woman that did? Take a long look in the mirror ladies. We aren't equal because of ourselves. I have no doubt Dr. Ford was sexually assaulted, because a liar wouldn't have stopped the lie at assault. Let that one settle in..
Why? Think about it. Seriously. We are our own worst enemies. Literally. The woman who catty talks other women and sometimes even men. She's feeding that stereotype. I'm not talking about gossip between you and your bestie (my bestie and I would have some explaining to do). I'm talking about that woman in meetings cat talking about how so and so does this and how she can't stand her. In front of a bunch of professionals, especially mostly male. Save it for when you get home and tell your husband or your bestie. It's not high school ladies. It's your job. Act like a professional.
She's not the only example. How many of you are that woman sitting in the massage room or laying on the next massage board and "letting" your husband or boyfriend lay there, playing with himself like a dumbass, and allowing him not just to disrespect you, but letting him disrespect another woman? Or even worse than that, thinking it's her fault that he's a dumbass? All on you ladies. We're not equal because we let them disrespect us and other women.
How about ones of you that blame the other woman? Oh sure, there's a point where if she knows about you, she has some culpability. However, why is it you assumed it was her fault? He would've been faithful if it weren't for her? My ex was screwing 4 other women while I was pregnant. It was all on him. And here's a newsflash ladies. Even if it's just one, it's all on him. Sure if she's your best friend or even friends with you, she knows you, that's an issue. But he's the dumbass who promised to be there for you not her. Place the blame squarely where it belongs. On the footstep of the man who's treating you like a doormat.
The truly sad part is this all goes back to centuries of grooming and only one century with the Right to Vote. Sure, we've made huge strides. But we are still blaming each other. We still raise our girls to be catty, little mean girls, and it shows once they get to high school. We've even made bigger strides in the last couple generations. Millennial women are less likely to be like I describe than GenX. So that's good news.
However, if you read the last blog on the "white" male issue, well, just like that, it's what we were taught at a young age. It comes down to what is ingrained into us at a young age and then a lifetime of trying to be better than that. Many of my friends know I almost always wear heels, except for work. I don't like going out of the house for a small errand without showering and getting dressed properly. I do feel my best if I look my best (I think this is human nature), but I get mad at myself if I catch myself slouching. I can't stand the sounds of snapping or chewing gum. "Like a cow chewing cud," my grandmother would say. I can even hear her voice in my mind when I hear a woman snap her gum. Sure, it's rude, but it's ingrained learning from a young age. Lessons my grandmother and mother taught me. Catty wasn't, thank God, but we each can probably cite at least half a dozen negative things we do or think about each other simply because that's what we were taught.
And it's no different for the lessons the men in our lives as we grew up taught us. My grandfather was one of my favorite people. Really. It was really hard to reconcile what a colossal a-hole he was to my grandmother, my aunts and my mother when I found out. I suppose he knew it by the time I rolled around, because if it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't be the one writing this now. We repeat the mistakes our mothers make. A majority of us do, anyway. Ironic he was the one to tell me never to take any man's shit. Interesting too. And he more than anyone drove it home that women can be worse than men when it comes to beating each other down. He broke that mold for me. Isn't it high time we break that mold as a whole?
