"Alex,...I wanted to tell you in person, but I couldn't...You are simply the most stunning and amazing woman in Wichita."
The story of my life. An anonymous text message to my phone from a guy (I hope at least) from another area code who felt it necessary to tell me how amazing I am. Narrow down to someone that has my business card, has been to Wichita, and that knows me through work. It'd be a little creepy, except the texts (there was a bit more) were sweet and nothing was "creepy" in the texts. (He did identify himself, but that's not really relevant to the blog--especially since he was correct--I have no idea who he is.) The anonymous part was new but didn't phase me since I don't get a lot of creepy crawly types. Nope, I generally seem to attract two generalizations: guys who are so arrogant and full of themselves with little to no class that I wouldn't touch with a 50 foot pole or guys that are shy (at least when it comes to me) that don't tell me until or unless it's completely impossible for it to ever happen. I recently had a good friend tell me how wonderful I am. I was stunned. It wasn't expected at all. Of course, per my usual modus operandi, it's simply not going to happen. Hell, I've had guys that I've been friends with for years tell me at the most ridiculous times, one AFTER I got married even. It's not unusual at all.
Now don't get me wrong. This doesn't happen all the time. It just happens once in a while, but that's all. It never leads anywhere. Ok, granted sometimes it is because I wouldn't go there if a wild nest of bees was chasing me like a bear who just stole the honey pot, but sometimes, like in the case of this good friend of mine, well sometimes, I wish it would. No matter what though, each time it reminds me that it's never going to happen. Simply doesn't happen for someone like me. I used to joke I was a crazy train magnet (ok, my friends used to joke, and some still do, about the days that I seemed to attract only the biggest nuts in the room). That didn't help. Hard to ascertain the ones that are genuine and nice from the nuts if you seem to attract a lot of nuts.
I'm not complaining mind you. I certainly have no right to. I've got a great life overall. Nice home, good job, great boys, lots of fantastic friends and family. So I missed out on true love. I know what it looks like: two peas in a pod. Oh, yes, I know several of my friends that are what I call "happy enough married". Some more "happy enough" than others. "Happy enough" people can always end up divorced. Two peas in a pod--well, they've got something special that even the "happy enough" people that are on the top end of "happy enough" just dream about. I could've been happy enough with my ex, if I'd overlooked his cheating. I could've been happy enough with my youngest's dad if I'd overlooked his depression...and the Klan, his crazy mother, his crazy father, his crazy father's crazy redneck wife... I could've been happy enough several times. I've always passed on "happy enough". Why'd I get divorced if I was going to settle for "happy enough"? I've been holding out for that whole "two peas in a pod" thing.
Oh I know people that will tell me that's not that important. When you're old and grey and can barely move around, or when work is taking every waking moment because the sh*t hit the fan and there's no way you can spend time with the one you love, or when life throws you an unexpected curve ball, the other pea from your pod gets it. The "happy enough" aren't so happy then. Happy enough are looking for other reasons to stay together. The kids is a personal favorite--yes, because a bad example is so much better than a good one or none at all. Debatable yes, but not in a blog.
Happy enough has another problem. How much is "happy enough"? The engineer in me wants quantification. I have generally assumed that this must be some magic number that each person calculates based on their own wants and needs. Does the number fluctuate? Can you be "happy enough" on a scale of 10 at say 7 today and 5 tomorrow? If so, how exactly does that work? Do you all of the sudden decide that you can live with something today that you couldn't live with yesterday? It all seems quite confusing to me. Oh I know. I've heard the comeback before. You have to learn to compromise. Seems like "happy enough" is already a pretty big compromise to me. My friends that are married to their respective "pea in a pod" compromise, but neither feels gypped. From my humble observations, those people that are "happy enough" always seem a little miffed that the compromise leaned one way or the other. Worse yet, they both seem to feel gypped. I've got plenty of "happy enough" friends to observe. They're "happy enough", but when they have to compromise, one or both parties still feel a tiny bit slighted. A lifetime of that must be harrowing. Life is all about compromise. If you have to compromise once a month with the person that you are with (which is a very, very low estimate if you really think about it), then 20 years is 240 occasions where you and/or the significant other feel just a tad slighted. That's a lot. Then what happens when one or the other feels extremely slighted? I'm guessing that moving target of "happy enough" has to move downward relatively quickly.
"Happy enough" people are sometimes the "opposites attract" types. Opposites are great--because in general, they never agree. They go in knowing life is going to be one huge compromise. But they are combustible. Fire can be a powerful good thing or a powerful bad thing. Opposites can be madly, passionately in love. Give them a few minutes and they hate each other's guts. I've seen it work, and ironically, they seem to be higher in the "happy enough" scale than the average "happy enough" types. They seem to have a great time, as long as the passion keeps burning. I sometimes think that would be great. But given that I'm in my 40s now, and 40 something men have lost a lot of that combustibility, well, I can't see how my opposite is going to keep my attention for very long. I like the idea of having someone that I can converse with and understands what I'm talking about or at least follows what I'm talking about and vice versa. My complete opposite would be bored stiff with what I want to talk about. Moving on...
So seems that "happy enough" is not an option for me. (Yea, don't get me wrong; it might be the option for you--just not me.) So why am I a big hold out for my "pea in a pod"? I have friends that married, and the pairs are literally "two peas in a pod". They do have compromise, but it's in good humor. No one feels slighted, even when the compromise is completely uneven. They love to spend time together talking, doing things, and sometimes just doing the most mundane. There's a happiness that you can hear in their voices, in their choice of words, and even in what they don't say. They have a deeper connection than just the burning fire of opposites or that "happy enough" can ever have. You can live with someone and gain an appreciation for who they are. The longer that you're there, the more you know. But two peas in a pod don't need years. They know each other instinctively. It's actually amazing to watch and to be around. It makes me happy just to talk with my friends that are with their respective "peas". Happiness just exudes from them and it's contagious.
If I'm going to be "happy enough", well, I can be all happy enough all by myself. Like I stated earlier, I have a nice home, good job, great kids, great friends and family. I'm perfectly happy enough just as I am. That deep happiness that two peas in a pod share, well, I won't kid myself. There's no getting all the way there alone. But I see no reason to be with someone that makes me "happy enough" when I'm perfectly happy enough alone. Good thing I'm taoist. Next life.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Patriot Day...God Bless America
My father passed away almost 2 months ago now. It's amazing how it hasn't weighed on my mind. The worst day since the end of the funeral was the day I had to review voicemail messages that were due to be deleted..."Andra, this is Dad. Andra, this is Dad..." I guess Daddy forgot that voicemail can't be heard until you listen to it. Save. The second message, "Andra, this is Dad. Call me back..." Must've occurred to him it was a cell phone message. Save. "This message will be saved for 21 days." Yea, I'll wait and try to deal with it then.
My father and I were really close when I was little. I know what happened to make it all go south. It doesn't matter how, why, or when. All that matters is that those years that we missed each other don't matter near as much as the first 10 years and the last 10. It was almost 10 years ago when we started talking again. On 9/11/2001, it all seemed so unimportant what happened in between; it reminded me how important my father was to me. My father's office was 10 blocks from ground zero. It was November, a little over a week before Thanksgiving, before I could get a call into New York.
But this is not about my father, it is about September 11, 2001 and every 9/11 to follow. That fateful day, I was driving to school from my apartment in Anderson, South Carolina to Clemson University. I had gotten the boys to school and run my usual mile and a half. It was sunny, beautiful really. Temperature was moderate, fairly dry for the deep south, and the morning smelled of fresh dew. As I reached my turn off 28, the DJ was saying that a plane had flown into the first of the twin towers. "That's not funny," I remember thinking and changed the channel. I thought it was a joke, a bad humor joke. I found some music and finished my drive into Clemson, picked a parking lot close to my classes that day, and managed a decent spot. Grabbed my stuff and was off to class. My class was on the 3rd floor in a classic building where the stairwells were all those old wide school style stairs. At the top of the stairs, stopped and grabbed my usual wake-up call, 12-ounce can of Coke and Cheetos, and off to class. As I walked in, the class was somber. A few were watching live feed on a computer...the second tower had been hit and the first stood burning...and then dropped. I was sick. I couldn't imagine. I don't recall what happened after that. Nada, zip, zilch.
I remember that most of us couldn't fathom what, why or when. Flight 93's fate was on the radio by the time that I hit the sub shop on campus. I was having flashbacks to the fateful flight of the Challenger...standing in a room of close to 800 University of Toledo students watching the amazing launch of civilian astronauts and wondering if that one day could be one of us in that room, only to witness the most unbelievable explosion. The room had gone completely silent. We were stunned and no one spoke. The Clemson campus on September 11, 2001 was the same. We didn't speak. We sat at our usual tables in between our classes, with our usual study partners and friends. But we were stunned. We watched and listened in horror as the day unfolded. Tower two dropping, Flight 93, the Pentagon...
That day, any day like that, in silence we are all family. There is no stranger, no cause that could separate us, no resolve. Just shock. Then as the silence breaks, we are Americans. We fought for freedom from what we thought was an unfair British King. We fought ourselves over the freedom of all men. We fought for the freedom of Europeans devastated by two World Wars. We shocked the Japanese as we bore arms for the decimation of Pearl Harbor. The next day, no silence. Anger, frustration, many of us contemplating military service or returning to military service. Those few weeks that followed, hurt individuals, ruined individual lives, changed all of us forever. But with a quickening reminded all of us, we are American. We believe in fair, even if sometimes we forget to apply it. We believe in honest fair warfare, even if we have attacked our own in spite, foolish pride, or just plain ignorance--Timothy McVey, Eric Rudolph, Ruby Ridge, Michigan Militia, Ku Klux Klan, Aryan Nation...you name the homegrown terrorists, we have little to no sympathy because we believe in fair. Innocent deaths are unfair. They go against our deepest rooted beliefs. All men (and women) are created equal. We may suffer sometimes from our own hypocrisy, but we believe no innocent death should suffer silently unanswered.
So many innocent deaths that day...not just Americans. Many countries sent representatives to the World Trade Centers. It was an epicenter not just of American commerce, but of world commerce and hope--the United Nations. So little has been said of the United Nations since that fateful fall day in 2001. But, what it stands for, is that in spite of our differences, whether nationally or globally, we all, American, European, Asian, dream and hope.
What Al Queda would have the world believe is Americans are divided, bickering amongst ourselves, focusing on our own differences and self-absorbed infidels. Perhaps at times we are. We are, after all, only human. Show me anyone that isn't a little selfish at times, and I'll show you Mother Theresa. Even Ghandi admitted times of weakness. But we are not a divided country. The entirety of Europe doesn't meet the landmass of the United States. We are divided by our nature...Southerners, New Englanders, New Yorkers, the Badlanders, the Great Lakes, the Plains, the West, the Northwest, Texans and Californians. We are even divided by land and water--Alaskans and Hawaiians. But we are Americans...This is our country--United We Stand. We may not agree with our cousins from another region of our great land, but the one thing that holds us fast together is a belief of freedom for all.
We know freedom is not free, and we have been willing to give our lives--our brothers', sisters', husbands', wives', sons' and daughters' lives, for the better of all. It is saddening to find an organization like Al Queda that would test that resolve for freedom, but like so many terrorist groups, just as our own homegrown terrorist groups, they only see their own agenda. I'm not even sure that they know what their agenda truly is--sure to protect their people--but beyond that? Hitler dreamed of a strong Germany again...his hidden agenda--genocide. Lenin dreamed of 100% communal equality...the final agenda was a small group of Communist party members running the show and living like kings, and with Stalin in charge--genocide. We've, Americans, even made the mistake of backing these men that would be saviors of their people like Saddam Hussein. But history, hopefully, has taught us that they would turn on us and turn to--genocide. Saddam's regime annihilated at least 250K people for having a different religious definition of the same religion. Al Queda has already been confirmed to have a very extreme version of Islam. They would genocide all of us--Christian, Jewish, other Muslims, Buddhists, atheists.
As this new holiday, Patriot Day, September 11th, 2011, will come and pass, take notice our resolve. Let us not forget those that give their lives for our freedoms and for the freedom that we believe is not just for Americans, but for all people. God Bless America (or just Bless America, for the atheists)--the greatest country in the world, not just because of what makes us the same but what makes us different. Let us celebrate that we have overcome terrorists, homegrown and foreign. Let us remind the world that testing our resolve only brings us closer regardless of our differences. Let them know that all Americans are Patriots and this is our day.
My father and I were really close when I was little. I know what happened to make it all go south. It doesn't matter how, why, or when. All that matters is that those years that we missed each other don't matter near as much as the first 10 years and the last 10. It was almost 10 years ago when we started talking again. On 9/11/2001, it all seemed so unimportant what happened in between; it reminded me how important my father was to me. My father's office was 10 blocks from ground zero. It was November, a little over a week before Thanksgiving, before I could get a call into New York.
But this is not about my father, it is about September 11, 2001 and every 9/11 to follow. That fateful day, I was driving to school from my apartment in Anderson, South Carolina to Clemson University. I had gotten the boys to school and run my usual mile and a half. It was sunny, beautiful really. Temperature was moderate, fairly dry for the deep south, and the morning smelled of fresh dew. As I reached my turn off 28, the DJ was saying that a plane had flown into the first of the twin towers. "That's not funny," I remember thinking and changed the channel. I thought it was a joke, a bad humor joke. I found some music and finished my drive into Clemson, picked a parking lot close to my classes that day, and managed a decent spot. Grabbed my stuff and was off to class. My class was on the 3rd floor in a classic building where the stairwells were all those old wide school style stairs. At the top of the stairs, stopped and grabbed my usual wake-up call, 12-ounce can of Coke and Cheetos, and off to class. As I walked in, the class was somber. A few were watching live feed on a computer...the second tower had been hit and the first stood burning...and then dropped. I was sick. I couldn't imagine. I don't recall what happened after that. Nada, zip, zilch.
I remember that most of us couldn't fathom what, why or when. Flight 93's fate was on the radio by the time that I hit the sub shop on campus. I was having flashbacks to the fateful flight of the Challenger...standing in a room of close to 800 University of Toledo students watching the amazing launch of civilian astronauts and wondering if that one day could be one of us in that room, only to witness the most unbelievable explosion. The room had gone completely silent. We were stunned and no one spoke. The Clemson campus on September 11, 2001 was the same. We didn't speak. We sat at our usual tables in between our classes, with our usual study partners and friends. But we were stunned. We watched and listened in horror as the day unfolded. Tower two dropping, Flight 93, the Pentagon...
That day, any day like that, in silence we are all family. There is no stranger, no cause that could separate us, no resolve. Just shock. Then as the silence breaks, we are Americans. We fought for freedom from what we thought was an unfair British King. We fought ourselves over the freedom of all men. We fought for the freedom of Europeans devastated by two World Wars. We shocked the Japanese as we bore arms for the decimation of Pearl Harbor. The next day, no silence. Anger, frustration, many of us contemplating military service or returning to military service. Those few weeks that followed, hurt individuals, ruined individual lives, changed all of us forever. But with a quickening reminded all of us, we are American. We believe in fair, even if sometimes we forget to apply it. We believe in honest fair warfare, even if we have attacked our own in spite, foolish pride, or just plain ignorance--Timothy McVey, Eric Rudolph, Ruby Ridge, Michigan Militia, Ku Klux Klan, Aryan Nation...you name the homegrown terrorists, we have little to no sympathy because we believe in fair. Innocent deaths are unfair. They go against our deepest rooted beliefs. All men (and women) are created equal. We may suffer sometimes from our own hypocrisy, but we believe no innocent death should suffer silently unanswered.
So many innocent deaths that day...not just Americans. Many countries sent representatives to the World Trade Centers. It was an epicenter not just of American commerce, but of world commerce and hope--the United Nations. So little has been said of the United Nations since that fateful fall day in 2001. But, what it stands for, is that in spite of our differences, whether nationally or globally, we all, American, European, Asian, dream and hope.
What Al Queda would have the world believe is Americans are divided, bickering amongst ourselves, focusing on our own differences and self-absorbed infidels. Perhaps at times we are. We are, after all, only human. Show me anyone that isn't a little selfish at times, and I'll show you Mother Theresa. Even Ghandi admitted times of weakness. But we are not a divided country. The entirety of Europe doesn't meet the landmass of the United States. We are divided by our nature...Southerners, New Englanders, New Yorkers, the Badlanders, the Great Lakes, the Plains, the West, the Northwest, Texans and Californians. We are even divided by land and water--Alaskans and Hawaiians. But we are Americans...This is our country--United We Stand. We may not agree with our cousins from another region of our great land, but the one thing that holds us fast together is a belief of freedom for all.
We know freedom is not free, and we have been willing to give our lives--our brothers', sisters', husbands', wives', sons' and daughters' lives, for the better of all. It is saddening to find an organization like Al Queda that would test that resolve for freedom, but like so many terrorist groups, just as our own homegrown terrorist groups, they only see their own agenda. I'm not even sure that they know what their agenda truly is--sure to protect their people--but beyond that? Hitler dreamed of a strong Germany again...his hidden agenda--genocide. Lenin dreamed of 100% communal equality...the final agenda was a small group of Communist party members running the show and living like kings, and with Stalin in charge--genocide. We've, Americans, even made the mistake of backing these men that would be saviors of their people like Saddam Hussein. But history, hopefully, has taught us that they would turn on us and turn to--genocide. Saddam's regime annihilated at least 250K people for having a different religious definition of the same religion. Al Queda has already been confirmed to have a very extreme version of Islam. They would genocide all of us--Christian, Jewish, other Muslims, Buddhists, atheists.
As this new holiday, Patriot Day, September 11th, 2011, will come and pass, take notice our resolve. Let us not forget those that give their lives for our freedoms and for the freedom that we believe is not just for Americans, but for all people. God Bless America (or just Bless America, for the atheists)--the greatest country in the world, not just because of what makes us the same but what makes us different. Let us celebrate that we have overcome terrorists, homegrown and foreign. Let us remind the world that testing our resolve only brings us closer regardless of our differences. Let them know that all Americans are Patriots and this is our day.
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