happy enough...

"Alex,...I wanted to tell you in person, but I couldn't...You are simply the most stunning and amazing woman in Wichita."

The story of my life. An anonymous text message to my phone from a guy (I hope at least) from another area code who felt it necessary to tell me how amazing I am. Narrow down to someone that has my business card, has been to Wichita, and that knows me through work. It'd be a little creepy, except the texts (there was a bit more) were sweet and nothing was "creepy" in the texts. (He did identify himself, but that's not really relevant to the blog--especially since he was correct--I have no idea who he is.) The anonymous part was new but didn't phase me since I don't get a lot of creepy crawly types. Nope, I generally seem to attract two generalizations: guys who are so arrogant and full of themselves with little to no class that I wouldn't touch with a 50 foot pole or guys that are shy (at least when it comes to me) that don't tell me until or unless it's completely impossible for it to ever happen. I recently had a good friend tell me how wonderful I am. I was stunned. It wasn't expected at all. Of course, per my usual modus operandi, it's simply not going to happen. Hell, I've had guys that I've been friends with for years tell me at the most ridiculous times, one AFTER I got married even. It's not unusual at all.

Now don't get me wrong. This doesn't happen all the time. It just happens once in a while, but that's all. It never leads anywhere. Ok, granted sometimes it is because I wouldn't go there if a wild nest of bees was chasing me like a bear who just stole the honey pot, but sometimes, like in the case of this good friend of mine, well sometimes, I wish it would. No matter what though, each time it reminds me that it's never going to happen. Simply doesn't happen for someone like me. I used to joke I was a crazy train magnet (ok, my friends used to joke, and some still do, about the days that I seemed to attract only the biggest nuts in the room). That didn't help. Hard to ascertain the ones that are genuine and nice from the nuts if you seem to attract a lot of nuts.

I'm not complaining mind you. I certainly have no right to. I've got a great life overall. Nice home, good job, great boys, lots of fantastic friends and family. So I missed out on true love. I know what it looks like: two peas in a pod. Oh, yes, I know several of my friends that are what I call "happy enough married". Some more "happy enough" than others. "Happy enough" people can always end up divorced. Two peas in a pod--well, they've got something special that even the "happy enough" people that are on the top end of "happy enough" just dream about. I could've been happy enough with my ex, if I'd overlooked his cheating. I could've been happy enough with my youngest's dad if I'd overlooked his depression...and the Klan, his crazy mother, his crazy father, his crazy father's crazy redneck wife... I could've been happy enough several times. I've always passed on "happy enough". Why'd I get divorced if I was going to settle for "happy enough"? I've been holding out for that whole "two peas in a pod" thing.

Oh I know people that will tell me that's not that important. When you're old and grey and can barely move around, or when work is taking every waking moment because the sh*t hit the fan and there's no way you can spend time with the one you love, or when life throws you an unexpected curve ball, the other pea from your pod gets it. The "happy enough" aren't so happy then. Happy enough are looking for other reasons to stay together. The kids is a personal favorite--yes, because a bad example is so much better than a good one or none at all. Debatable yes, but not in a blog.

Happy enough has another problem. How much is "happy enough"? The engineer in me wants quantification. I have generally assumed that this must be some magic number that each person calculates based on their own wants and needs. Does the number fluctuate? Can you be "happy enough" on a scale of 10 at say 7 today and 5 tomorrow? If so, how exactly does that work? Do you all of the sudden decide that you can live with something today that you couldn't live with yesterday? It all seems quite confusing to me. Oh I know. I've heard the comeback before. You have to learn to compromise. Seems like "happy enough" is already a pretty big compromise to me. My friends that are married to their respective "pea in a pod" compromise, but neither feels gypped. From my humble observations, those people that are "happy enough" always seem a little miffed that the compromise leaned one way or the other. Worse yet, they both seem to feel gypped. I've got plenty of "happy enough" friends to observe. They're "happy enough", but when they have to compromise, one or both parties still feel a tiny bit slighted. A lifetime of that must be harrowing. Life is all about compromise. If you have to compromise once a month with the person that you are with (which is a very, very low estimate if you really think about it), then 20 years is 240 occasions where you and/or the significant other feel just a tad slighted. That's a lot. Then what happens when one or the other feels extremely slighted? I'm guessing that moving target of "happy enough" has to move downward relatively quickly.

"Happy enough" people are sometimes the "opposites attract" types. Opposites are great--because in general, they never agree. They go in knowing life is going to be one huge compromise. But they are combustible. Fire can be a powerful good thing or a powerful bad thing. Opposites can be madly, passionately in love. Give them a few minutes and they hate each other's guts. I've seen it work, and ironically, they seem to be higher in the "happy enough" scale than the average "happy enough" types. They seem to have a great time, as long as the passion keeps burning. I sometimes think that would be great. But given that I'm in my 40s now, and 40 something men have lost a lot of that combustibility, well, I can't see how my opposite is going to keep my attention for very long. I like the idea of having someone that I can converse with and understands what I'm talking about or at least follows what I'm talking about and vice versa. My complete opposite would be bored stiff with what I want to talk about. Moving on...

So seems that "happy enough" is not an option for me. (Yea, don't get me wrong; it might be the option for you--just not me.) So why am I a big hold out for my "pea in a pod"? I have friends that married, and the pairs are literally "two peas in a pod". They do have compromise, but it's in good humor. No one feels slighted, even when the compromise is completely uneven. They love to spend time together talking, doing things, and sometimes just doing the most mundane. There's a happiness that you can hear in their voices, in their choice of words, and even in what they don't say. They have a deeper connection than just the burning fire of opposites or that "happy enough" can ever have. You can live with someone and gain an appreciation for who they are. The longer that you're there, the more you know. But two peas in a pod don't need years. They know each other instinctively. It's actually amazing to watch and to be around. It makes me happy just to talk with my friends that are with their respective "peas". Happiness just exudes from them and it's contagious.

If I'm going to be "happy enough", well, I can be all happy enough all by myself. Like I stated earlier, I have a nice home, good job, great kids, great friends and family. I'm perfectly happy enough just as I am. That deep happiness that two peas in a pod share, well, I won't kid myself. There's no getting all the way there alone. But I see no reason to be with someone that makes me "happy enough" when I'm perfectly happy enough alone. Good thing I'm taoist. Next life.