what about your friends?

This is the time of year when many of us are busy with religious holidays. Whether Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, the Winter Solstice, or just celebrating Santa Claus and an impending New Year, we all try to spend time with family and friends. If we consider the things that are the same for almost all these religions and their rituals, they almost all include giving and receiving gifts. We give gifts to our family and friends to celebrate those things that they bring into our lives. Friends, however, really do have a very special place for us. Family--well, they are given, and many of us can honestly say that we sometimes dread the thought of being around family. But, friends--well, they are the family that we choose. The longer and deeper our friendships, the more important they are. So it's this time of the year that I'm very blessed and I am very thankful for the friends in my life. Frankly, I just couldn't send enough Holiday Blessings to my friends, so it saddens me when I hear that some people have no friends.

There was an occassion earlier this year where an older gentleman I know told me that I have no friends. The comment could've been hurtful, but it wasn't since I simply know that it's not true. I have friends that worry about me and vice versa, friends that are like sisters and brothers, friends that I know I could count on in a pinch. And, I simply told him so. So I haven't lived in Kansas very long, but those deep friendships take time, cultivating--strong friendships start the same as any other potential friendship does--but time and cultivating are the only way a true friendship grows. I am blessed with friends that I know would be there for me in an emergency, and vice versa. I even know a couple that would take a bullet for me. It's a trust earned, not given, and I'm proud to have friends that have proven the test of trust and that I have proven that trust to. After explaining this to him, he surprised me.

"I don't have any friends like that," he said.

"What about your wife?" I asked. She was sitting across from him.

"That's different. She's family." 

I probably should've stopped there, but I asked anyway. "Don't you have a friend that you've known since you were a kid or when you two first married? Anyone like that?"

"No. I've never had anyone like that."

I didn't know what to say. Seriously. I was speechless. (And if you know me, this really doesn't happen very often.) He has no friends. "What about the people that you hang out with here?  Certainly you consider one of them friends."

"No. They're acquaintances." 

Hmmm, I thought. I have acquaintances. I don't really enjoy them enough to sit around with them for hours. I suppose if I had no friends that would be my only option, but of course, at this point, I was passed speechless to dumbfounded. Only acquaintances. I've only had acquaintances--like for all of two months after I moved to Kansas. I made friends with a couple of people that I'm proud to say are still great friends after over 3 years. He and his wife stared at me, waiting for a response. All I could muster up was "I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, except that I'm sorry that you haven't had at least one longtime friend in your life. I can't imagine."

I seriously can't. As I've already stated, I have such great friends--ones that are so near and dear to my heart--that I just couldn't imagine what my life would be without them. I dare say it would be very lonely. Even if I were happily married, I couldn't imagine life without any friends other than my spouse. To not have anyone that is as close as family, that has earned that trust and respect and vice versa, well, I simply don't understand. (Frankly, don't want to.)  Still it got me to thinking. Why don't some people have any friends? It's not that complicated. Really. A friend expects the same of you as you should be able to expect of them. Pretty simple. (I know I can really over-simplify some things considering how complex of a person I am, but this is one of those things where the KISS principle really does apply.) I've always found that if I treat people the way I expect to be treated even in those moments that I've screwed up (I am only human afterall) that my friends have forgiven me my momentary lapses and vice versa. Why? Because we have a bond built with trust, and we simply can't and won't give that up.

Of course, I've been burned, as I suspect this gentleman has. But consider that being burned and then cutting out everyone else as potential friends means that there will be no other chances at friendship again. Ok. Perhaps, that works for some people. I find it disheartening and tragic, but it's their lives and their decision. Being lonely simply because someone let you down and proved they weren't a friend is likened to staying in the house forever because one day you walked outside and fell down.

However, it was also pointed out to me by one of my very dearest friends that people that have no friends themselves probably don't know how to be a friend. Let me re-state that considering how poignant it is. People that have no friends themselves probably don't know how to be a friend. Ironic, right? To have friends, we must be able to be friends. We can be our own worse enemies. 

I've observed some people that I consider in similar circumstances since this all came about. The one thing that they have in common seems to be they have no friends. The reasoning behind that seems to vary though. In this gentleman's case, it seems that he is either too guarded or too easily put off. He's not really that friendly or pleasant initially. But he also seems to surround himself with people that he knows will disappoint him. The people that most people say they wouldn't trust, or don't, seem to be the people that he spends the most time with. My Grams used to say, 'You get what you pay for.' Well, with friendship, you pay with trust--given and received. If the people we surround ourselves with are incapable to make the trust payments, we certainly are not going to do so in kind. (At this point, we could debate the perverbial chicken-egg thing, but we won't.) 

The common denominator--regardless of the numerous numerators--is simple. Trustworthy earn and keep friends. Those that aren't trustworthy don't. Those that make friends under pretenses aren't trustworthy; doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that. Isolationists don't have friends either. But again, chicken-egg. Are they isolationists because they were burned? Perhaps, but do they end up bringing it all on themselves by intentionally surrounding themselves with people that they know will disappoint them so that they won't be so attached, hurt or even devastated that someone let them down again? I don't know. I've been burned--it didn't turn me one way or the other. I still have friends, and I still make new friends. Yes, sometimes, I still get a little scalded. It happens, but the one or two here or there is not worth never having the great and wonderful friends that I have in my life. 

Whether it's Christmas, Kwanzaa, some Pagen holiday, or just ringing in the New Year (whatever my friends celebrate this time of year), I want to say Thank You for being my friend. Thanks for blessing my life with the wonderful person that you are; my life is a little, if not a lot, brighter because of you. I'm reminded how wonderful each and everyone of you are and just peacock proud to say that you are my friend.