People like to tell us how a relationship should work, they like to tell us what we should or shouldn't do, they often like to put their 2 cents in. Hell, some of them like to put in a whole dollar for that matter. I don't like people in my business for that reason. (Ironic when you consider that I'll blog about some of it.) Recent unfortunate events have had me in shutdown mode. We all have been there. We break up with someone and we feel nothing. We don't want to think about it. It is what it is. Of course, most of the time we eventually realize that we've entered shutdown mode. We just bury what we're feeling because we don't want to deal with it. I don't usually do this. Yet, I went into it after breaking up with my boyfriend, well, now ex-boyfriend. Didn't want to deal with him. Chris (I hope he doesn't care if I use his name) and I had an argument. It started with me telling him how I was feeling. He took it to be about him. I had explained it wasn't, but I think he had been pushing me away for a bit. He had quit calling me as much, literally called me only twice in a month. He even refused to call me at all after he stormed off in a huff, cursing me and telling me to call him in a couple of days. I'll be blunt at this point. Once a woman starts chasing a man, she may as well be a dog chasing a car. She looks as idiotic and there's no point in catching that car anyway. From experience, it gives the man a free pass to walk all over you like a doormat for the rest of the relationship. So nothing after a week. No call, no text. Ok, snap his ass out of the funk and drop the relationship off Facebook. Text saying, "Really? That's how you want to do this?" No call. We exchanged texts briefly, but no call. I went into shutdown mode. I'm not chasing a car.
Shutdown mode is pretty appealing in ways. First of all, there's no ugly side effects like getting angry or arguing or even crying. It's all nothingness. Lots of us do it. It's simple. Just don't think about it and it'll all be better. It's not that important anyway. I didn't have to think about what attracted me to him in the first place. I didn't have to think about the fun we had or any of the long talks. I didn't have to think about snuggling or just watching the television together. It was gone. Out the door, stormed off with a series of curses and utterances. It was a blip. Shutdown mode lets you tell yourself the storm has passed. But it's like being in the eye of the hurricane. The storm passed over and the worst is yet to come when it comes back at you from behind. Eventually he sent me an email and a couple of texts. I read them. He wasn't saying anything wrong or right in them. He just wasn't picking up the phone. I wasn't calling him. End of story. Full shutdown mode let's us tell ourselves that anyway.
Then, sooner or later, the storm comes back over. We had talked and talked and talked at first. Of course, you can't sustain that all the time, but it had gotten my attention, especially since I have the attention span of a gnat. Eventually the good qualities of a person are going to come back into focus. The bad things are always first. His email had actually cracked the door open. His storming off. The attitude. The cursing texts. The lack of calls. The unhappy stuff comes in the door and sits down. Drives you into thinking the shutdown mode was good. The back end of the storm going over a lot easier than you expected. It's only the start. Then you start remembering the good things. A smile, a dance, a kiss, all these things come back to you too. Chris had this way of looking at me that made me blush. I don't remember anyone ever looking at me like that. Shutdown mode is over and you've got to play with the cards as they've been dealt. He's not calling and that's that. Closure is kinda hard that way. You can avoid this. Avoid them. This isn't how I normally deal with a break up. I usually talk it out and end on good terms. I don't consider shutdown mode healthy, but a lot of us refuse to recognize it's shutdown mode. I wasn't realizing it was until the back end of the storm hit me from behind. How had I missed that I was only in the eye of the hurricane?
So what to do? Nothing. I said in a previous blog, second trys had never worked for me. They never worked because I was the dog chasing the car. I had let them walk all over me after that. My ex-husband and another ex-boyfriend. There's nothing good that comes from chasing a man--right reasons, wrong reasons--doesn't matter. I've never seen a woman that chased the man get what she was really looking for. I've watched a lot of women do it though. And they look idiotic. Really unwilling to look that ridiculous, let alone when this all started because of a small mistake. It'd be like building a mountain from a mole hill. But now that shutdown mode is over, I've had to try and cope with what I'm feeling. I've been taking it bit by bit. Trying not to overwhelm myself. Longest relationship I've had in over 10 years and definately not the ending I was expecting. Not sure what I was expecting--I am a woman afterall--but I know this wasn't it. The hurricane may be passing but the torrential rains that follow can be a bitch.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Don't let PTSD own you
I've got quite a few friends with PTSD pretty bad. Most are military, but PTSD is not an exclusively military issue. Rape victims, abuse victims, witnesses to major traumatic events--all can suffer from PTSD. Some have coping mechanisms and many don't. Most don't have healthy coping skills and many really need to get there. Counseling is generally the only way someone with middle to severe PTSD ever can "recover". Time doesn't heal all wounds. There are Vietnam Vets living on the street because they still haven't been able to cope. But just because you can get someone into counseling, doesn't mean there's purpose behind it. They need to get passed the point of playing games and making excuses. Otherwise 7 years, or 20 for that matter, out of the suck and they haven't made a dent. Honestly, playing games with the counselors (or group), just going through the motions because the VA required it, well from my humble observations, probably makes it a little worse. They're not only bypassing themselves, but creating even less healthy coping mechanisms by thwarting the help. I'm not sure what to do now that I've met a couple of people like this and been pretty close to one of them. They tell you everything is great, but then they're still having massive breakdowns years after. My experiences and observations are not medical advice. I'm not claiming to be a counselor or have a medical anything. This is more like one person in a group therapy session saying look this isn't the right way. You're fooling yourself, and in the end, the only person you're going to hurt is you.
Expect setbacks. I was around the wrong group of people actually pretty recently. One of my best friends referred to them as "toxic", and she noticed the change in me immediately. Toxic people, those that refuse to help themselves, over time become instigators in breaking other people down and sending them into a deeper gully. Sever ties with people like this. You'll recognize them, because even if you've been fairly healthy for years, one or more of the PTSD symptoms will flare up. PTSD is not going away, ever. You're going to learn to deal and cope and eventually minimize, but it's never going away. My Grams died in 1989. She was the most important person in my life at the time. To this day, I still get teary eyed when I think of her. Nothing changes how I felt about her and nothing is supposed to. It's not that time heals all wounds. It's that we reach a point of acceptance, understand where we are at with ourselves, in the world, and can accept it. The PTSD symptoms for each of us can flare up. The goal is to understand ourselves, learn to cope, and minimize the flare ups and the effects that flare ups have on our lives.
Realize the baggage you came into the situation with was still with you while you were deployed and some of your reactions from PTSD symptoms are based on it. My ex used to tell me how fat I was and how no one else would ever want me. While deployed he really was not helpful, even saying to me once over the phone, "how do you know that I'm not getting a blow job right now?" Coupled with what I experienced while deployed, my frame of mind was at best, iffy, especially in relationships. I eventually stood up for myself and got divorced, so I thought I was coping pretty well. The reality is that I went into an even more emotionally battered relationship, culminating to a full on physically battered relationship. The choices I made were because I became very dependent on anyone that treated me right initially, which abusive people usually do. I ignored warning signs, because any amount of lonliness brought on anxiety, sometimes mild, sometimes breathe in a bag, sometimes full on anxiety attack. The need to keep my marriage in tact while deployed became part of my anxiety (one of my PTSD symptoms). The need festered itself over and over in the next couple of relationships. Counseling really helped me recognize two things: the anxiety when it was flaring up and that my relationships could be a trigger that could not only be detrimental to those around me, but to myself. I was choosing abusive men, because I literally was beating myself up that I had failed and the anxiety symptom was making it worse. It had become a vicious circle--relationship to squelch the anxiety which in turn became the relationship that fed the anxiety. Hell of a merry-go-round.
Expect to make mistakes or have made mistakes because of PTSD symptoms. Realize that they still are/were your mistakes, but recognize how and why and which symptom/s (if more than one is involved) that helped feed into the mistakes. We get home from deployment and we can't sleep. We're jumpy. We bark at our kids, our spouses, our friends. We often take it out on the people closest to us. The closer the person is to us, the more of the brunt that they are likely to take. First, don't beat yourself up about this. One, civilians, people who have never served our country, do this. It's human nature. Two, someone who truly loves you will try to understand. If they don't understand, eventually you're going to have to understand that coping with our situations are not for everyone. Do not pretend that you're in the right, point fingers or play the blame game. Twisting it around at the other person is not healthy and it will make you more miserable in the long run. It's not a coping when we do this; it's projecting. Projecting is a long way from recovery. The only thing that you can do is recognize your mistakes, apologize for them, and hope for the best.
Do not get lost in a picture. What do I mean? The easiest way for the mind to cope with PTSD is to paint a pretty picture of the way that we want it to look. We want to look "normal". We want to do right by others. Some of us will paint a picture in our minds of what "normal" is supposed to look like and live up to it. Then we start going through the motions. We fool ourselves into thinking it's easy to fake normal. It's not. We cannot make up a picture in our mind and set ourselves to it. It doesn't work. No matter how good the picture looks in your mind, from outside the bubble, everyone else can see your faking it. Instead of the picture, picture where you want to be, how you want to feel and work towards it. Not some Norman Rockwell painting, but simple stuff at first. For example, when I got home from deployment, I couldn't enjoy french toast anymore. I love french toast, but for some reason, my mind in its harrowed state couldn't taste it. The maple syrup wasn't sweet, the cinnamon wasn't right, the whole thing just tasted bland. This actually went on for years. It was what I really wanted back. Not the picture of the french toast with cardboard flavor, but really to enjoy the french toast. Pick easier things first. There's something that you used to really enjoy that the trauma took away from you and now it seems like everything is bland. Try to bring back those flavors, those smells, those colors back into your life bit by bit. You can paint a picture and live in it--4 edges confining you to the wall you nailed yourself to, or you can start to live again.
There are so many symptoms to PTSD. From my humble observations, I can say I've seen severe anger issues in a couple of friends, the exact opposite--clamming up and hermitting, anxiety, alcohol and drug abuse, sleeping issues, claustrophobia, a slew of various phobias for that matter. My thoughts are that the PTSD is actually, for lack of a better way of putting it, a microscope that enlarges problems that you already had coupled with its own unique ability to add a couple more of its own spicy problems to the mix. It's different for all of us, yet very similar in the fact that we shared somewhat similar traumas that got us there, at least for the military members. The end goal though, military or not, is to get to a place where we can recognize, cope, and minimize. Don't let PTSD be your excuse. Don't let it own you. Learn to accept it, cope with it, and eventually you'll find that have actually grown because of it.
WHEN CONSIDERING WHAT HELP TO GET:
First off, there's a little bit of a reality check when dealing with medical professionals one on one. Some counselors aren't that great or even good. It's a solid fact, just like some lawyers are better than others, and likewise, sometimes that great lawyer/counselor costs a hell of a lot more money than you can afford to spend. Plus, no matter what, you have to find one that suits you. A counselor that looks like the rapist of a victim seeking counseling is probably not going to work--no matter how great of a counselor because of the psyche of the victim. So, finding a good counselor that fits you can be like finding a good brain surgeon--complicated, tedious, and sometimes very costly.
However, group therapy usually results in people in different stages of the healing process being able to call each other out. I hear from friends, all Gulf vets of the last 20 years, that often a majority of their group therapy participants are Vietnam Vets. Think about this. It took them over 40 years to get help. It wasn't a "good" thing in their day, but if you're in one of these groups (or even if you're not), consider that if you fail yourself in getting the help in those sessions, that you could waste 40 years of your life struggling with things that festered and left a wake of garbage behind you. We, Gulf veterans, have it a little easier in the fact it doesn't mean that you're "less of a man" if you need help. It makes you a "bigger man" for being able to admit that you can't do it alone. The military is a team environment trying to accomplish the same objective; no one member can complete the objective alone. The team is only as strong as its weakest link. Group counseling is a team also trying to reach the same objective--reaching some sort of normalcy. Take group therapy seriously because someone in there is counting on you to be a strong link, for both yours and their recovery. That's the true reality check.
Expect setbacks. I was around the wrong group of people actually pretty recently. One of my best friends referred to them as "toxic", and she noticed the change in me immediately. Toxic people, those that refuse to help themselves, over time become instigators in breaking other people down and sending them into a deeper gully. Sever ties with people like this. You'll recognize them, because even if you've been fairly healthy for years, one or more of the PTSD symptoms will flare up. PTSD is not going away, ever. You're going to learn to deal and cope and eventually minimize, but it's never going away. My Grams died in 1989. She was the most important person in my life at the time. To this day, I still get teary eyed when I think of her. Nothing changes how I felt about her and nothing is supposed to. It's not that time heals all wounds. It's that we reach a point of acceptance, understand where we are at with ourselves, in the world, and can accept it. The PTSD symptoms for each of us can flare up. The goal is to understand ourselves, learn to cope, and minimize the flare ups and the effects that flare ups have on our lives.
Realize the baggage you came into the situation with was still with you while you were deployed and some of your reactions from PTSD symptoms are based on it. My ex used to tell me how fat I was and how no one else would ever want me. While deployed he really was not helpful, even saying to me once over the phone, "how do you know that I'm not getting a blow job right now?" Coupled with what I experienced while deployed, my frame of mind was at best, iffy, especially in relationships. I eventually stood up for myself and got divorced, so I thought I was coping pretty well. The reality is that I went into an even more emotionally battered relationship, culminating to a full on physically battered relationship. The choices I made were because I became very dependent on anyone that treated me right initially, which abusive people usually do. I ignored warning signs, because any amount of lonliness brought on anxiety, sometimes mild, sometimes breathe in a bag, sometimes full on anxiety attack. The need to keep my marriage in tact while deployed became part of my anxiety (one of my PTSD symptoms). The need festered itself over and over in the next couple of relationships. Counseling really helped me recognize two things: the anxiety when it was flaring up and that my relationships could be a trigger that could not only be detrimental to those around me, but to myself. I was choosing abusive men, because I literally was beating myself up that I had failed and the anxiety symptom was making it worse. It had become a vicious circle--relationship to squelch the anxiety which in turn became the relationship that fed the anxiety. Hell of a merry-go-round.
Expect to make mistakes or have made mistakes because of PTSD symptoms. Realize that they still are/were your mistakes, but recognize how and why and which symptom/s (if more than one is involved) that helped feed into the mistakes. We get home from deployment and we can't sleep. We're jumpy. We bark at our kids, our spouses, our friends. We often take it out on the people closest to us. The closer the person is to us, the more of the brunt that they are likely to take. First, don't beat yourself up about this. One, civilians, people who have never served our country, do this. It's human nature. Two, someone who truly loves you will try to understand. If they don't understand, eventually you're going to have to understand that coping with our situations are not for everyone. Do not pretend that you're in the right, point fingers or play the blame game. Twisting it around at the other person is not healthy and it will make you more miserable in the long run. It's not a coping when we do this; it's projecting. Projecting is a long way from recovery. The only thing that you can do is recognize your mistakes, apologize for them, and hope for the best.
Do not get lost in a picture. What do I mean? The easiest way for the mind to cope with PTSD is to paint a pretty picture of the way that we want it to look. We want to look "normal". We want to do right by others. Some of us will paint a picture in our minds of what "normal" is supposed to look like and live up to it. Then we start going through the motions. We fool ourselves into thinking it's easy to fake normal. It's not. We cannot make up a picture in our mind and set ourselves to it. It doesn't work. No matter how good the picture looks in your mind, from outside the bubble, everyone else can see your faking it. Instead of the picture, picture where you want to be, how you want to feel and work towards it. Not some Norman Rockwell painting, but simple stuff at first. For example, when I got home from deployment, I couldn't enjoy french toast anymore. I love french toast, but for some reason, my mind in its harrowed state couldn't taste it. The maple syrup wasn't sweet, the cinnamon wasn't right, the whole thing just tasted bland. This actually went on for years. It was what I really wanted back. Not the picture of the french toast with cardboard flavor, but really to enjoy the french toast. Pick easier things first. There's something that you used to really enjoy that the trauma took away from you and now it seems like everything is bland. Try to bring back those flavors, those smells, those colors back into your life bit by bit. You can paint a picture and live in it--4 edges confining you to the wall you nailed yourself to, or you can start to live again.
There are so many symptoms to PTSD. From my humble observations, I can say I've seen severe anger issues in a couple of friends, the exact opposite--clamming up and hermitting, anxiety, alcohol and drug abuse, sleeping issues, claustrophobia, a slew of various phobias for that matter. My thoughts are that the PTSD is actually, for lack of a better way of putting it, a microscope that enlarges problems that you already had coupled with its own unique ability to add a couple more of its own spicy problems to the mix. It's different for all of us, yet very similar in the fact that we shared somewhat similar traumas that got us there, at least for the military members. The end goal though, military or not, is to get to a place where we can recognize, cope, and minimize. Don't let PTSD be your excuse. Don't let it own you. Learn to accept it, cope with it, and eventually you'll find that have actually grown because of it.
WHEN CONSIDERING WHAT HELP TO GET:
First off, there's a little bit of a reality check when dealing with medical professionals one on one. Some counselors aren't that great or even good. It's a solid fact, just like some lawyers are better than others, and likewise, sometimes that great lawyer/counselor costs a hell of a lot more money than you can afford to spend. Plus, no matter what, you have to find one that suits you. A counselor that looks like the rapist of a victim seeking counseling is probably not going to work--no matter how great of a counselor because of the psyche of the victim. So, finding a good counselor that fits you can be like finding a good brain surgeon--complicated, tedious, and sometimes very costly.
However, group therapy usually results in people in different stages of the healing process being able to call each other out. I hear from friends, all Gulf vets of the last 20 years, that often a majority of their group therapy participants are Vietnam Vets. Think about this. It took them over 40 years to get help. It wasn't a "good" thing in their day, but if you're in one of these groups (or even if you're not), consider that if you fail yourself in getting the help in those sessions, that you could waste 40 years of your life struggling with things that festered and left a wake of garbage behind you. We, Gulf veterans, have it a little easier in the fact it doesn't mean that you're "less of a man" if you need help. It makes you a "bigger man" for being able to admit that you can't do it alone. The military is a team environment trying to accomplish the same objective; no one member can complete the objective alone. The team is only as strong as its weakest link. Group counseling is a team also trying to reach the same objective--reaching some sort of normalcy. Take group therapy seriously because someone in there is counting on you to be a strong link, for both yours and their recovery. That's the true reality check.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Relationships...aka, sometimes you've gotta talk it out...
I've got to admit that I've been contemplating a lot lately. It probably comes with an overactive mind and I just have to try to understand things, like almost at an alarming constant rate. Pretty ironic when you consider that I sleep like a baby unless I've had too much water, soda or other unmentioned beverages and have to get up to go to the ladies' room. Lately, I've spent a lot of time thinking about all kinds of stuff, but absolutely no time on relationship stuff. I mean honestly, it's just not something that I've even wanted to think about. Might be a little unfair to someone, but in my defense, it was a mutual issue. I'm kind of a private person. I mean I'll tell someone all kinds of little facts about myself, but very few know everything. I don't like people in my relationship when I have one, and frankly, there are very, very few trusted enough with my relationship stuff. Makes it kind of hard to sort stuff out when you don't talk about it. I like to joke that I'm a "commitment phob". It's not really a joke; it's probably true. But don't expect an expose here. This is just random thinking about relationships, mostly mine of course. But just food for thought after being a little sickened by someone claiming I was his ex, that in all frankness, I'm pretty sure I've never even met.
If you've been my friend for years, or if you read my earlier blogs both here and in another forum, well, then you know that I'm a friggin magnet for nut jobs. Or used to be. I'm always fixing something for someone else. I've gotten out of the fix it business. It's a crappy place to be. I'm not the only one. There are plenty of men and women out there attracted to the biggest hard cases on the planet. I don't mind helping my friends fix their issues, or letting them help fix mine, but I'm not looking for the abusive psycho (been there, done that), the possessive control freak (again been there, done that), the cheating whore (ok, all of these are been there, done that), the lying through their teeth so much that you wonder how they still have teeth liar, the cocaine dealer (yes, little prudence didn't know it when we started dating and definately why we broke up), the broke ass, the cheap skate (yes, this is truly an affliction), the ego maniac, the PTSD ridden (more than one or two, honestly), and my personal favorite, the sex addict (this could be a good thing except any addiction is an affliction apparently). The one thing that I have definately learned is that you can't change anyone. Ever. Simple. They are who they are and all the desire in the world on your part won't change anyone. That's a bridge they come to, perhaps that's why they met you, but they have to cross all on their own.
Where I'm living now, well, it seems like everyone, ok mostly everyone, seems to think that you go on one date and you're in a serious relationship. Hell, I have people infer all the time that because a guy bought me a beer I must be "with him". Seriously. This is unusual to me. Everywhere else I've ever lived, well, it's a gradual thing--sometimes a little faster, sometimes a little slower--but not some instant, voila, we're in a committed relationship. I'm also not used to guys assuming that you're with them because they bought you a beer (seriously who the hell thinks this way???). I'm not attracted to a lot of guys to be honest--they're too full of themselves, not easy on the eyes, not smart enough, not dumb enough, not pretty enough eyes, weird facial hair, creepy smile, crazy eyes, asinine friends (yes, this is generally a deal breaker for me), weird/crazy/odd family (I've got enough of that with my own family), not manly enough, too much manly man, smells funny (seriously some of the cologne some guys wear makes me want to gag), smells like ass (some guys just sweat gross smell), not a nice enough smile (serious deal breaker here),...ok, well, I've drawn a pretty ridiculous picture at this point. I could find something wrong with Ghandi--weird smile, that whole sarong wrap thing he used to wear (sure it was his style, but definately not attractive to me), the glasses, his accent. See what I mean? I'm on a roll. Don't get me wrong. There are guys that have gotten passed this torrid analysis and I've actually dated. Most important things generally to me: eyes, smile, personality, height ( I don't like a guy that's shorter than me), makes me laugh. From then on, I'm debating in my head.
I'm not sure that's how the mojo that makes a relationship works either. On a television show that I watch, there was a comment that one of the characters said, adlibing here, that every relationship has that one moment where there is the potential for it to spark and turn into a great flame or where that moment goes by, an opportunity missed. This struck me, since I can look back on every relationship I've ever had--whether one of the head cases or a nice guy--I can look back at that moment. Those "you had me a hello" moments and those this won't last moments. My ex-husband's moment was following a break up with a guy I had been dating. He was, at the time, one of my best friends, and well, the guy had been a basic ass. The complete psycho saved my bacon and I felt indebted somehow. Another guy it was a very chivalrous act. Bam. Each one of those moments came and flame. But nothing stayed. Other cases where the moment went by, either completely unnoticed by the guy or completely wrong action. Same thing: Bam. It will never work. I've often debated with a very dear friend over the issue of soulmates. She's been very happily married for 20 years, and she doesn't believe in soulmates. Her point is that spark is what determines who has the potential to be with whom and then it either works or it doesn't. I think it's easy to not believe in soulmates when you've found the person you were meant to be with. A soulmate concept, whether real or not, gives hope that there really is someone out there that we are "meant to be with" whenever a spark's flame flickers out. I've reached a point where I'm up in the air about the whole soulmate concept. I still believe, because there are many religions that teach the concept, whether you believe that Eve came from Adam's rib or that the Gods divided the soul because they couldn't stand the sight of the two faces of the one being or any other folklore. It doesn't give me comfort anymore. I suppose that's just because I've had so many trials and tribulations on my own I find it hard and aggregious to think that if I have a soulmate that they haven't been there for me and I haven't been there for them. So, spark, flame and flame out.
At times, I've been accused of being too picky. Not sure that I would use that description. What do I want? You know if I knew that I'd probably already have it. I've never had a checklist per se or a type. I've dated various "types", and generally don't repeat the "type" that didn't work. One of my ex-boyfriend's brothers used to tell him, "Alex would be married if she wanted to be. There's plenty of guys that would love to marry her." I don't think that gave him much comfort, although I knew his brother really well and I think he was trying to nudge our relationship. That relationship ended, restarted and ended again. One of the only relationships I ever gave a second try. That was a mistake. The second trys have always ended badly. I'm not sure his brother was right or not. If I wanted to be married, I would be? I've kind of always thought that if the right relationship wandered into my life I would want to be. I was very happy when I was married, until I found out he was a cheating dog. I was extremely domesticated and I really loved everything about it. I'm pretty sure I could never be that domesticated again. There's no being "the little woman" ever again. She's gone. Partially because of the rude awakening I had in my marriage, partially because of some of the other crazies, and probably a lot because I had to raise 3 boys on my own. Being both the "mom" and "dad", so to speak, really forces you to decide to let your kids walk all over you or set the tone, teach them to respect themselves and others, and really step up to the plate. I'd like to think that I could get that way again, boys almost all grown now, and I'd like to be that content again. But, I think that whole soulmate thing is probably a myth, so no hanging my hat on something magical is going to happen so I can even partially be that person again. I don't have a list or even try to assemble one, and I'm not sure that's a positive or a negative. Maybe I should have a list of what I want, but I don't really know. I always took relationships with the "I'll know it when I see it" approach. Maybe not the best approach, and it's obviously arguable whether that approach is working for me. "Alex would be married if she wanted to be." The statement is probably so damn true I don't even realize it.
I probably don't help my cause much. I don't like when my friends, with very rare exception, want to know too much about my relationships. It makes me uncomfortable. I'll volunteer some information on occasion, but most of my friends only know bits and pieces. It's not that I don't trust my friends, but recently I got irked when a friend was prying into my relationship stuff. I said some things that I shouldn't have, honestly just to get her off the subject. I'm not good at opening that stuff up to anyone anymore. I feel like if it needs to be said I can say it to the person that I'm in, was in, potentially might be in or not, a relationship with, and it doesn't need to be broadcast to anyone else. I confide in my sister and two of my best friends. They are literally the only ones that know how I feel in any relationship I've been in, other than the guy I've been in that relationship with. I generally wait for the opportune time to have those conversations with the guy where it won't be an emotionally charged conversation where one or neither of us hears what the other person is trying to convey. Communication is important in any relationship, and if you can't communicate, then you really don't have any basis for the relationship. So I generally start to open up bit by bit to someone I'm dating. It takes me time and it's not easy. I'm not off to the steeplechase. I told a male friend recently I don't believe in dropping someone I've dated off the face of the planet. There's a lot of invested time and energy into any relationship that I've been in. If that trust wasn't misplaced, just because it didn't work is not reason enough for me to stop being friends with the guy. The reasons something didn't work in a relationship are honestly sometimes the reason the friendship does. I know sounds weird, but it's true. Relationships require a lot of sympatico. Friendships only require a minimum amount of common ground. Relationships eventually are a daily interaction; friendships can be metered out. Friendships are so much easier to work with and maintain. I know, I'm a head case. Remember, commitment phob?
Of course, all this thinking because some jerk claimed he dated me. Seems to be a common occurance here. He's like the 3rd guy I know that claimed that--I can't even imagine how many I don't know about. Seriously sweethearts, if you dated me, what are my tattoos, where are they, what do they stand for, what's "wrong" with one and what's "right" with another. Most people don't know the answer to the last two. In fact, very few of my closest friends even know the answer to one, let alone both. Again, extremely private person for how extroverted I am. But, I can't imagine why someone would do this. What would possess them to think this was ok? I mean bar the fact that it's weird and definately pathological. If the end goal would be to keep other guys from dating me, well, there are plenty of people out there that could care less if you're in a relationship or not. If it's to make yourself sound awesome, ummm, I'm not really that great (refer to paragraph 2). I'm not even sure I can think of any other reasons. I'm guessing if there are other possible reasons someone who would never conceive of telling some atrocious lie like that isn't going to be able to visualize other than a couple of conceptual reasons. If I talked to my girlfriends about it, I sure a team of us could come up with a dozen reasons, but I see no reason to have that conversation with them. So if somehow it was supposed to impress me, well, that definately didn't happen. What did happen is for the first time in months I started thinking about relationships and what I want. The answer is a resounding "I have no idea". Now that I've got that all cleared up in my head, I'm going to bed and going to sleep like a baby.
If you've been my friend for years, or if you read my earlier blogs both here and in another forum, well, then you know that I'm a friggin magnet for nut jobs. Or used to be. I'm always fixing something for someone else. I've gotten out of the fix it business. It's a crappy place to be. I'm not the only one. There are plenty of men and women out there attracted to the biggest hard cases on the planet. I don't mind helping my friends fix their issues, or letting them help fix mine, but I'm not looking for the abusive psycho (been there, done that), the possessive control freak (again been there, done that), the cheating whore (ok, all of these are been there, done that), the lying through their teeth so much that you wonder how they still have teeth liar, the cocaine dealer (yes, little prudence didn't know it when we started dating and definately why we broke up), the broke ass, the cheap skate (yes, this is truly an affliction), the ego maniac, the PTSD ridden (more than one or two, honestly), and my personal favorite, the sex addict (this could be a good thing except any addiction is an affliction apparently). The one thing that I have definately learned is that you can't change anyone. Ever. Simple. They are who they are and all the desire in the world on your part won't change anyone. That's a bridge they come to, perhaps that's why they met you, but they have to cross all on their own.
Where I'm living now, well, it seems like everyone, ok mostly everyone, seems to think that you go on one date and you're in a serious relationship. Hell, I have people infer all the time that because a guy bought me a beer I must be "with him". Seriously. This is unusual to me. Everywhere else I've ever lived, well, it's a gradual thing--sometimes a little faster, sometimes a little slower--but not some instant, voila, we're in a committed relationship. I'm also not used to guys assuming that you're with them because they bought you a beer (seriously who the hell thinks this way???). I'm not attracted to a lot of guys to be honest--they're too full of themselves, not easy on the eyes, not smart enough, not dumb enough, not pretty enough eyes, weird facial hair, creepy smile, crazy eyes, asinine friends (yes, this is generally a deal breaker for me), weird/crazy/odd family (I've got enough of that with my own family), not manly enough, too much manly man, smells funny (seriously some of the cologne some guys wear makes me want to gag), smells like ass (some guys just sweat gross smell), not a nice enough smile (serious deal breaker here),...ok, well, I've drawn a pretty ridiculous picture at this point. I could find something wrong with Ghandi--weird smile, that whole sarong wrap thing he used to wear (sure it was his style, but definately not attractive to me), the glasses, his accent. See what I mean? I'm on a roll. Don't get me wrong. There are guys that have gotten passed this torrid analysis and I've actually dated. Most important things generally to me: eyes, smile, personality, height ( I don't like a guy that's shorter than me), makes me laugh. From then on, I'm debating in my head.
I'm not sure that's how the mojo that makes a relationship works either. On a television show that I watch, there was a comment that one of the characters said, adlibing here, that every relationship has that one moment where there is the potential for it to spark and turn into a great flame or where that moment goes by, an opportunity missed. This struck me, since I can look back on every relationship I've ever had--whether one of the head cases or a nice guy--I can look back at that moment. Those "you had me a hello" moments and those this won't last moments. My ex-husband's moment was following a break up with a guy I had been dating. He was, at the time, one of my best friends, and well, the guy had been a basic ass. The complete psycho saved my bacon and I felt indebted somehow. Another guy it was a very chivalrous act. Bam. Each one of those moments came and flame. But nothing stayed. Other cases where the moment went by, either completely unnoticed by the guy or completely wrong action. Same thing: Bam. It will never work. I've often debated with a very dear friend over the issue of soulmates. She's been very happily married for 20 years, and she doesn't believe in soulmates. Her point is that spark is what determines who has the potential to be with whom and then it either works or it doesn't. I think it's easy to not believe in soulmates when you've found the person you were meant to be with. A soulmate concept, whether real or not, gives hope that there really is someone out there that we are "meant to be with" whenever a spark's flame flickers out. I've reached a point where I'm up in the air about the whole soulmate concept. I still believe, because there are many religions that teach the concept, whether you believe that Eve came from Adam's rib or that the Gods divided the soul because they couldn't stand the sight of the two faces of the one being or any other folklore. It doesn't give me comfort anymore. I suppose that's just because I've had so many trials and tribulations on my own I find it hard and aggregious to think that if I have a soulmate that they haven't been there for me and I haven't been there for them. So, spark, flame and flame out.
At times, I've been accused of being too picky. Not sure that I would use that description. What do I want? You know if I knew that I'd probably already have it. I've never had a checklist per se or a type. I've dated various "types", and generally don't repeat the "type" that didn't work. One of my ex-boyfriend's brothers used to tell him, "Alex would be married if she wanted to be. There's plenty of guys that would love to marry her." I don't think that gave him much comfort, although I knew his brother really well and I think he was trying to nudge our relationship. That relationship ended, restarted and ended again. One of the only relationships I ever gave a second try. That was a mistake. The second trys have always ended badly. I'm not sure his brother was right or not. If I wanted to be married, I would be? I've kind of always thought that if the right relationship wandered into my life I would want to be. I was very happy when I was married, until I found out he was a cheating dog. I was extremely domesticated and I really loved everything about it. I'm pretty sure I could never be that domesticated again. There's no being "the little woman" ever again. She's gone. Partially because of the rude awakening I had in my marriage, partially because of some of the other crazies, and probably a lot because I had to raise 3 boys on my own. Being both the "mom" and "dad", so to speak, really forces you to decide to let your kids walk all over you or set the tone, teach them to respect themselves and others, and really step up to the plate. I'd like to think that I could get that way again, boys almost all grown now, and I'd like to be that content again. But, I think that whole soulmate thing is probably a myth, so no hanging my hat on something magical is going to happen so I can even partially be that person again. I don't have a list or even try to assemble one, and I'm not sure that's a positive or a negative. Maybe I should have a list of what I want, but I don't really know. I always took relationships with the "I'll know it when I see it" approach. Maybe not the best approach, and it's obviously arguable whether that approach is working for me. "Alex would be married if she wanted to be." The statement is probably so damn true I don't even realize it.
I probably don't help my cause much. I don't like when my friends, with very rare exception, want to know too much about my relationships. It makes me uncomfortable. I'll volunteer some information on occasion, but most of my friends only know bits and pieces. It's not that I don't trust my friends, but recently I got irked when a friend was prying into my relationship stuff. I said some things that I shouldn't have, honestly just to get her off the subject. I'm not good at opening that stuff up to anyone anymore. I feel like if it needs to be said I can say it to the person that I'm in, was in, potentially might be in or not, a relationship with, and it doesn't need to be broadcast to anyone else. I confide in my sister and two of my best friends. They are literally the only ones that know how I feel in any relationship I've been in, other than the guy I've been in that relationship with. I generally wait for the opportune time to have those conversations with the guy where it won't be an emotionally charged conversation where one or neither of us hears what the other person is trying to convey. Communication is important in any relationship, and if you can't communicate, then you really don't have any basis for the relationship. So I generally start to open up bit by bit to someone I'm dating. It takes me time and it's not easy. I'm not off to the steeplechase. I told a male friend recently I don't believe in dropping someone I've dated off the face of the planet. There's a lot of invested time and energy into any relationship that I've been in. If that trust wasn't misplaced, just because it didn't work is not reason enough for me to stop being friends with the guy. The reasons something didn't work in a relationship are honestly sometimes the reason the friendship does. I know sounds weird, but it's true. Relationships require a lot of sympatico. Friendships only require a minimum amount of common ground. Relationships eventually are a daily interaction; friendships can be metered out. Friendships are so much easier to work with and maintain. I know, I'm a head case. Remember, commitment phob?
Of course, all this thinking because some jerk claimed he dated me. Seems to be a common occurance here. He's like the 3rd guy I know that claimed that--I can't even imagine how many I don't know about. Seriously sweethearts, if you dated me, what are my tattoos, where are they, what do they stand for, what's "wrong" with one and what's "right" with another. Most people don't know the answer to the last two. In fact, very few of my closest friends even know the answer to one, let alone both. Again, extremely private person for how extroverted I am. But, I can't imagine why someone would do this. What would possess them to think this was ok? I mean bar the fact that it's weird and definately pathological. If the end goal would be to keep other guys from dating me, well, there are plenty of people out there that could care less if you're in a relationship or not. If it's to make yourself sound awesome, ummm, I'm not really that great (refer to paragraph 2). I'm not even sure I can think of any other reasons. I'm guessing if there are other possible reasons someone who would never conceive of telling some atrocious lie like that isn't going to be able to visualize other than a couple of conceptual reasons. If I talked to my girlfriends about it, I sure a team of us could come up with a dozen reasons, but I see no reason to have that conversation with them. So if somehow it was supposed to impress me, well, that definately didn't happen. What did happen is for the first time in months I started thinking about relationships and what I want. The answer is a resounding "I have no idea". Now that I've got that all cleared up in my head, I'm going to bed and going to sleep like a baby.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Pretending to understand...or not
I'm not going to pretend to understand most people. I've met more hypocrites in this lifetime than I would care to admit. But it confuses me to no end. I love when someone posts on Facebook what a great tribute to Jesus Christ they are and shame on any of us that don't accept him as our savior, or better yet, that we might burn in hell. I've read the Bible and attended Sunday Bible School. I don't remember it saying anywhere that anyone can damn another. Share those stupid posts all you like, but it doesn't say that you should. In fact, it states the exact opposite. Only God may judge. If you're religious, this is a comman factor to all religions. No human being, man or woman, may pass judgment on another person "damning" them to hell or anywhere. Likewise, no one actually "knows" that they are going to heaven. The Bible states that Jesus died for our sins and all those that accept him as their savior are going through the pearly gates. (Not in those exact words; I'm adlibing.) Regardless, if you continue to repeat the same "bad" act over and over--in example, damning others to hell--guess what? The precious Bible does make a few statements about that too. The person who asks for forgiveness, but unearnestly--only to repeat the same sin, is the lowest of us all. Lower than murderers, rapists, adulterers. Yes, really. I have always loved how most Christians not only ignore that statement in the Bible, but forget completely that when one commits to a certain religious choice, one has to make the commitment for real--not just the parts that one likes.
I'm not Christian, anymore. I wouldn't say that I'm not Christian really either though. Technically, if one follows Christ's teachings, then one is Christian--just as if one follows Confucious one is a Confucian. Christ taught tolerance much as Confucious. Yet, Christ didn't say most of the things that people quote in the Bible, ever. None of the books are written by Christ; they are written by disciples and others that state some of the words of Christ. The ones that contridict each other from one book to the next always confused me when I was a child. Then I think as Christ aged, perhaps like many of us, he grew in wisdom and understanding and he contridicted himself with wiser beliefs. Then why would one disciple contridict another? Well, that became quite simple, particularly after the Dead Sea Scrolls were found. Not all the books are included and not all the books are written at the same time. The Vatican is probably the only place you can read most of them. Mary Madgelene's story is the most disturbing of all. The Church of Madgelene in France has existed as long, and some say longer, than the Catholic Church. It follows books that were verified by the Dead Sea Scrolls. Mary Madgelene was one of Christ's disciples. Many believe she was quite possibly his wife and that possibly she bore him children. There is a contridiction in the books about who Christ appeared to first--John or Peter. Other books, not included in the Bible, state that it was Mary who he appeared to first. Well, I don't know what I believe--seems like a lot of drama to me--but if he was married, he definately did not appear to John or Peter first. So, I'm pretty sure that John and Peter had some vested interest in bending the truth (or lying, depending on how one looks at it) to their own ends. While I believe wholeheartedly that Christ taught tolerance, acceptance, dreamed of a peaceful world, honesty and integrity, I seriously doubt that he would be happy with the way his word has been mutilated and abused by the religious.
Don't get me wrong. If a Christian chooses to follow as much as they can the teachings of Christ, whether they attend a church or not, then I have the deepest respect for their commitment. I have equal respect for people who are Buddhist, Jewish, Muslim, Wiccan, et cetera. While I may not personally want to live under a man's thumb as the Muslim religion teaches, I recognize that it is not only what some people are taught but what they believe. If anyone chooses to live under any religion, they should be able to do so freely, but I find it disheartening and disturbing that so many feel the "right" to believe whatever they like only applies to their own religion. While I understand that the Bible states that Christians are bound to spread the word, I also take strong note to the fact that it doesn't state to cram it down anyone's throat. Perhaps it is because my grandparents, Catholic and Luthern, settled on Methodist in their compromise. The Wesleyan Doctrine is very specific that we don't tell people what Christ can do for them (or not, in the case of taking the liberty to tell someone else that they are damned) but that we spread the word by telling someone what Christ has done for ourselves.
I find it deeply offensive that anyone would claim to know the mind of God or Christ, or Buddha or Muhammed, for that matter. We cannot ever know what God thinks, much like we can never truly know what anyone else thinks. Much of the time those that say this is what God thinks, this is what Christ taught, are only interpretting, their own personal interpretation, of another's writings of what Christ taught. There's a song by U2, "One", that was one of the most popular wedding songs for several years. Yet, the song is actually written about a gay son and his father and in fact the disowning of the son because he's gay. Not really a song about "true love" and most certainly not a great wedding song if we understand what the song was actually written about. I'm sure those couples that chose it as their wedding song didn't really realize what the words meant or they interpretted the words differently than Bono had as he wrote them. So, when I consider the misinterpretation of that song, with Bono still alive to explain what the song was about, what would happen over thousands of years, hundreds upon hundreds of games of telephone before the words of Christ were even written down--let alone reinterpretted interpretations of interpretations. If one chooses to follow a word, a religion, regardless of which, it should be done with the understanding that we actually have to "practice what we preach". Committing ourselves to doing the right thing even when we know the right thing isn't the popular thing.
I believe in many of Christ's teachings, but not all of the Bible is Christ's teachings. I can find too many contridictions and decided that while a wonderful compliation of history and some philosophy the Bible is a book and it is the human soul, that which is inside of us, that truly guides us. I don't believe that anyone is instantly "saved" because they accept Christ as their savior. Our actions, and even the Bible states this, are what we are judged on when we pass away. There's a major contridiction, or more over, a major contridiction in interpretations. One simple word isn't enough to save us. Wrong actions, a wrong way of treating others, an arrogance of our own beliefs over others, mistreating others based on our interpretations of interpretations, none of this is excused on our individual judgement day. Believing Christ died for your sins--this alone doesn't save you. Living in the path that God takes you down, learning the lessons that are put before you, and not doing that which you already know in your heart to be wrong, these are the things that you are judged on and choosing the Christian path only "saves" you as you choose to live on that path. If someone else's heart guides them down another path, whether we find it right or wrong, it is not our path, it is not our choice and it is not for us to judge. If one chooses to live a "Christian" life, then one must commit themselves to not go against the Ten Commandments and to follow the teachings. I don't understand how anyone can claim to be "Christian" and post things about how other people are damned. I don't understand how someone can backstab someone else and go to church every Sunday and believe that they are absolved from the heinous actions they committed during the week. That's not a Christian path. It may be some path to somewhere, but it simply is not a Christian path.
I'm not Christian, anymore. I wouldn't say that I'm not Christian really either though. Technically, if one follows Christ's teachings, then one is Christian--just as if one follows Confucious one is a Confucian. Christ taught tolerance much as Confucious. Yet, Christ didn't say most of the things that people quote in the Bible, ever. None of the books are written by Christ; they are written by disciples and others that state some of the words of Christ. The ones that contridict each other from one book to the next always confused me when I was a child. Then I think as Christ aged, perhaps like many of us, he grew in wisdom and understanding and he contridicted himself with wiser beliefs. Then why would one disciple contridict another? Well, that became quite simple, particularly after the Dead Sea Scrolls were found. Not all the books are included and not all the books are written at the same time. The Vatican is probably the only place you can read most of them. Mary Madgelene's story is the most disturbing of all. The Church of Madgelene in France has existed as long, and some say longer, than the Catholic Church. It follows books that were verified by the Dead Sea Scrolls. Mary Madgelene was one of Christ's disciples. Many believe she was quite possibly his wife and that possibly she bore him children. There is a contridiction in the books about who Christ appeared to first--John or Peter. Other books, not included in the Bible, state that it was Mary who he appeared to first. Well, I don't know what I believe--seems like a lot of drama to me--but if he was married, he definately did not appear to John or Peter first. So, I'm pretty sure that John and Peter had some vested interest in bending the truth (or lying, depending on how one looks at it) to their own ends. While I believe wholeheartedly that Christ taught tolerance, acceptance, dreamed of a peaceful world, honesty and integrity, I seriously doubt that he would be happy with the way his word has been mutilated and abused by the religious.
Don't get me wrong. If a Christian chooses to follow as much as they can the teachings of Christ, whether they attend a church or not, then I have the deepest respect for their commitment. I have equal respect for people who are Buddhist, Jewish, Muslim, Wiccan, et cetera. While I may not personally want to live under a man's thumb as the Muslim religion teaches, I recognize that it is not only what some people are taught but what they believe. If anyone chooses to live under any religion, they should be able to do so freely, but I find it disheartening and disturbing that so many feel the "right" to believe whatever they like only applies to their own religion. While I understand that the Bible states that Christians are bound to spread the word, I also take strong note to the fact that it doesn't state to cram it down anyone's throat. Perhaps it is because my grandparents, Catholic and Luthern, settled on Methodist in their compromise. The Wesleyan Doctrine is very specific that we don't tell people what Christ can do for them (or not, in the case of taking the liberty to tell someone else that they are damned) but that we spread the word by telling someone what Christ has done for ourselves.
I find it deeply offensive that anyone would claim to know the mind of God or Christ, or Buddha or Muhammed, for that matter. We cannot ever know what God thinks, much like we can never truly know what anyone else thinks. Much of the time those that say this is what God thinks, this is what Christ taught, are only interpretting, their own personal interpretation, of another's writings of what Christ taught. There's a song by U2, "One", that was one of the most popular wedding songs for several years. Yet, the song is actually written about a gay son and his father and in fact the disowning of the son because he's gay. Not really a song about "true love" and most certainly not a great wedding song if we understand what the song was actually written about. I'm sure those couples that chose it as their wedding song didn't really realize what the words meant or they interpretted the words differently than Bono had as he wrote them. So, when I consider the misinterpretation of that song, with Bono still alive to explain what the song was about, what would happen over thousands of years, hundreds upon hundreds of games of telephone before the words of Christ were even written down--let alone reinterpretted interpretations of interpretations. If one chooses to follow a word, a religion, regardless of which, it should be done with the understanding that we actually have to "practice what we preach". Committing ourselves to doing the right thing even when we know the right thing isn't the popular thing.
I believe in many of Christ's teachings, but not all of the Bible is Christ's teachings. I can find too many contridictions and decided that while a wonderful compliation of history and some philosophy the Bible is a book and it is the human soul, that which is inside of us, that truly guides us. I don't believe that anyone is instantly "saved" because they accept Christ as their savior. Our actions, and even the Bible states this, are what we are judged on when we pass away. There's a major contridiction, or more over, a major contridiction in interpretations. One simple word isn't enough to save us. Wrong actions, a wrong way of treating others, an arrogance of our own beliefs over others, mistreating others based on our interpretations of interpretations, none of this is excused on our individual judgement day. Believing Christ died for your sins--this alone doesn't save you. Living in the path that God takes you down, learning the lessons that are put before you, and not doing that which you already know in your heart to be wrong, these are the things that you are judged on and choosing the Christian path only "saves" you as you choose to live on that path. If someone else's heart guides them down another path, whether we find it right or wrong, it is not our path, it is not our choice and it is not for us to judge. If one chooses to live a "Christian" life, then one must commit themselves to not go against the Ten Commandments and to follow the teachings. I don't understand how anyone can claim to be "Christian" and post things about how other people are damned. I don't understand how someone can backstab someone else and go to church every Sunday and believe that they are absolved from the heinous actions they committed during the week. That's not a Christian path. It may be some path to somewhere, but it simply is not a Christian path.
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