I've got to admit that I've been contemplating a lot lately. It probably comes with an overactive mind and I just have to try to understand things, like almost at an alarming constant rate. Pretty ironic when you consider that I sleep like a baby unless I've had too much water, soda or other unmentioned beverages and have to get up to go to the ladies' room. Lately, I've spent a lot of time thinking about all kinds of stuff, but absolutely no time on relationship stuff. I mean honestly, it's just not something that I've even wanted to think about. Might be a little unfair to someone, but in my defense, it was a mutual issue. I'm kind of a private person. I mean I'll tell someone all kinds of little facts about myself, but very few know everything. I don't like people in my relationship when I have one, and frankly, there are very, very few trusted enough with my relationship stuff. Makes it kind of hard to sort stuff out when you don't talk about it. I like to joke that I'm a "commitment phob". It's not really a joke; it's probably true. But don't expect an expose here. This is just random thinking about relationships, mostly mine of course. But just food for thought after being a little sickened by someone claiming I was his ex, that in all frankness, I'm pretty sure I've never even met.
If you've been my friend for years, or if you read my earlier blogs both here and in another forum, well, then you know that I'm a friggin magnet for nut jobs. Or used to be. I'm always fixing something for someone else. I've gotten out of the fix it business. It's a crappy place to be. I'm not the only one. There are plenty of men and women out there attracted to the biggest hard cases on the planet. I don't mind helping my friends fix their issues, or letting them help fix mine, but I'm not looking for the abusive psycho (been there, done that), the possessive control freak (again been there, done that), the cheating whore (ok, all of these are been there, done that), the lying through their teeth so much that you wonder how they still have teeth liar, the cocaine dealer (yes, little prudence didn't know it when we started dating and definately why we broke up), the broke ass, the cheap skate (yes, this is truly an affliction), the ego maniac, the PTSD ridden (more than one or two, honestly), and my personal favorite, the sex addict (this could be a good thing except any addiction is an affliction apparently). The one thing that I have definately learned is that you can't change anyone. Ever. Simple. They are who they are and all the desire in the world on your part won't change anyone. That's a bridge they come to, perhaps that's why they met you, but they have to cross all on their own.
Where I'm living now, well, it seems like everyone, ok mostly everyone, seems to think that you go on one date and you're in a serious relationship. Hell, I have people infer all the time that because a guy bought me a beer I must be "with him". Seriously. This is unusual to me. Everywhere else I've ever lived, well, it's a gradual thing--sometimes a little faster, sometimes a little slower--but not some instant, voila, we're in a committed relationship. I'm also not used to guys assuming that you're with them because they bought you a beer (seriously who the hell thinks this way???). I'm not attracted to a lot of guys to be honest--they're too full of themselves, not easy on the eyes, not smart enough, not dumb enough, not pretty enough eyes, weird facial hair, creepy smile, crazy eyes, asinine friends (yes, this is generally a deal breaker for me), weird/crazy/odd family (I've got enough of that with my own family), not manly enough, too much manly man, smells funny (seriously some of the cologne some guys wear makes me want to gag), smells like ass (some guys just sweat gross smell), not a nice enough smile (serious deal breaker here),...ok, well, I've drawn a pretty ridiculous picture at this point. I could find something wrong with Ghandi--weird smile, that whole sarong wrap thing he used to wear (sure it was his style, but definately not attractive to me), the glasses, his accent. See what I mean? I'm on a roll. Don't get me wrong. There are guys that have gotten passed this torrid analysis and I've actually dated. Most important things generally to me: eyes, smile, personality, height ( I don't like a guy that's shorter than me), makes me laugh. From then on, I'm debating in my head.
I'm not sure that's how the mojo that makes a relationship works either. On a television show that I watch, there was a comment that one of the characters said, adlibing here, that every relationship has that one moment where there is the potential for it to spark and turn into a great flame or where that moment goes by, an opportunity missed. This struck me, since I can look back on every relationship I've ever had--whether one of the head cases or a nice guy--I can look back at that moment. Those "you had me a hello" moments and those this won't last moments. My ex-husband's moment was following a break up with a guy I had been dating. He was, at the time, one of my best friends, and well, the guy had been a basic ass. The complete psycho saved my bacon and I felt indebted somehow. Another guy it was a very chivalrous act. Bam. Each one of those moments came and flame. But nothing stayed. Other cases where the moment went by, either completely unnoticed by the guy or completely wrong action. Same thing: Bam. It will never work. I've often debated with a very dear friend over the issue of soulmates. She's been very happily married for 20 years, and she doesn't believe in soulmates. Her point is that spark is what determines who has the potential to be with whom and then it either works or it doesn't. I think it's easy to not believe in soulmates when you've found the person you were meant to be with. A soulmate concept, whether real or not, gives hope that there really is someone out there that we are "meant to be with" whenever a spark's flame flickers out. I've reached a point where I'm up in the air about the whole soulmate concept. I still believe, because there are many religions that teach the concept, whether you believe that Eve came from Adam's rib or that the Gods divided the soul because they couldn't stand the sight of the two faces of the one being or any other folklore. It doesn't give me comfort anymore. I suppose that's just because I've had so many trials and tribulations on my own I find it hard and aggregious to think that if I have a soulmate that they haven't been there for me and I haven't been there for them. So, spark, flame and flame out.
At times, I've been accused of being too picky. Not sure that I would use that description. What do I want? You know if I knew that I'd probably already have it. I've never had a checklist per se or a type. I've dated various "types", and generally don't repeat the "type" that didn't work. One of my ex-boyfriend's brothers used to tell him, "Alex would be married if she wanted to be. There's plenty of guys that would love to marry her." I don't think that gave him much comfort, although I knew his brother really well and I think he was trying to nudge our relationship. That relationship ended, restarted and ended again. One of the only relationships I ever gave a second try. That was a mistake. The second trys have always ended badly. I'm not sure his brother was right or not. If I wanted to be married, I would be? I've kind of always thought that if the right relationship wandered into my life I would want to be. I was very happy when I was married, until I found out he was a cheating dog. I was extremely domesticated and I really loved everything about it. I'm pretty sure I could never be that domesticated again. There's no being "the little woman" ever again. She's gone. Partially because of the rude awakening I had in my marriage, partially because of some of the other crazies, and probably a lot because I had to raise 3 boys on my own. Being both the "mom" and "dad", so to speak, really forces you to decide to let your kids walk all over you or set the tone, teach them to respect themselves and others, and really step up to the plate. I'd like to think that I could get that way again, boys almost all grown now, and I'd like to be that content again. But, I think that whole soulmate thing is probably a myth, so no hanging my hat on something magical is going to happen so I can even partially be that person again. I don't have a list or even try to assemble one, and I'm not sure that's a positive or a negative. Maybe I should have a list of what I want, but I don't really know. I always took relationships with the "I'll know it when I see it" approach. Maybe not the best approach, and it's obviously arguable whether that approach is working for me. "Alex would be married if she wanted to be." The statement is probably so damn true I don't even realize it.
I probably don't help my cause much. I don't like when my friends, with very rare exception, want to know too much about my relationships. It makes me uncomfortable. I'll volunteer some information on occasion, but most of my friends only know bits and pieces. It's not that I don't trust my friends, but recently I got irked when a friend was prying into my relationship stuff. I said some things that I shouldn't have, honestly just to get her off the subject. I'm not good at opening that stuff up to anyone anymore. I feel like if it needs to be said I can say it to the person that I'm in, was in, potentially might be in or not, a relationship with, and it doesn't need to be broadcast to anyone else. I confide in my sister and two of my best friends. They are literally the only ones that know how I feel in any relationship I've been in, other than the guy I've been in that relationship with. I generally wait for the opportune time to have those conversations with the guy where it won't be an emotionally charged conversation where one or neither of us hears what the other person is trying to convey. Communication is important in any relationship, and if you can't communicate, then you really don't have any basis for the relationship. So I generally start to open up bit by bit to someone I'm dating. It takes me time and it's not easy. I'm not off to the steeplechase. I told a male friend recently I don't believe in dropping someone I've dated off the face of the planet. There's a lot of invested time and energy into any relationship that I've been in. If that trust wasn't misplaced, just because it didn't work is not reason enough for me to stop being friends with the guy. The reasons something didn't work in a relationship are honestly sometimes the reason the friendship does. I know sounds weird, but it's true. Relationships require a lot of sympatico. Friendships only require a minimum amount of common ground. Relationships eventually are a daily interaction; friendships can be metered out. Friendships are so much easier to work with and maintain. I know, I'm a head case. Remember, commitment phob?
Of course, all this thinking because some jerk claimed he dated me. Seems to be a common occurance here. He's like the 3rd guy I know that claimed that--I can't even imagine how many I don't know about. Seriously sweethearts, if you dated me, what are my tattoos, where are they, what do they stand for, what's "wrong" with one and what's "right" with another. Most people don't know the answer to the last two. In fact, very few of my closest friends even know the answer to one, let alone both. Again, extremely private person for how extroverted I am. But, I can't imagine why someone would do this. What would possess them to think this was ok? I mean bar the fact that it's weird and definately pathological. If the end goal would be to keep other guys from dating me, well, there are plenty of people out there that could care less if you're in a relationship or not. If it's to make yourself sound awesome, ummm, I'm not really that great (refer to paragraph 2). I'm not even sure I can think of any other reasons. I'm guessing if there are other possible reasons someone who would never conceive of telling some atrocious lie like that isn't going to be able to visualize other than a couple of conceptual reasons. If I talked to my girlfriends about it, I sure a team of us could come up with a dozen reasons, but I see no reason to have that conversation with them. So if somehow it was supposed to impress me, well, that definately didn't happen. What did happen is for the first time in months I started thinking about relationships and what I want. The answer is a resounding "I have no idea". Now that I've got that all cleared up in my head, I'm going to bed and going to sleep like a baby.
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