Still haven't found what I'm looking for...

I've debated a bit on what to write about this time around, but with recent focus by the President on a couple of women's issues I feel like it's more important than how I feel about coming home.  However, I suppose it's a cross based on conversation that I had this past week that really "hit home" so to speak and that President Obama has decided, much like all his predecessors to talk the "good talk" when it comes to women's rights.  After a meeting with Maria Shriver and the scathing study that she conducted into women making lower pay, an average of 70 cents on the dollar to our male counterparts, he came out and said he would "fight" for an equal pay bill for women.  Right, so did Clinton, so did Bush Sr.  The President, now faced with teenage almost college age daughters, is now concerned with the fact that 1 in 5, 20%, of all college women are sexually assaulted.  The last President to really care, President Reagan, put Nancy Reagan in charge and reduced those "problems" from 1 in 4 to 1 in 5, from 25% to 20%.  It's been this way now for over 20 years.  While I'm super impressed (feel the sarcasm) that yet another male President wants to fix the issue--or at least seems motivated to improve it--I am loathe that men think that they can fix the problems that affect women.  Don't get me wrong.  It's awesome to want to help us fix the problems that have plagued women for decades, if not centuries, but here's the thing:  Women have to be willing to start helping each other, stop beating each other down, before anything men are willing to do to help ever amounts to anything.  Many white Americans were unsettled by what was happening to the "negro" Americans at the turn of the last century.  They were in most cases the silent minority.  Over decades, the African American community had leadership step forward and take the reins for equal treatment--Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Medgar Evers, Rosa Parks, Claudette Colvin.  (Look them up if you have no idea who I'm talking about.)  Simply put, the African American community had leadership emerge that wasn't about themselves, but just simply tired of the unfair treatment and were in many cases willing and/or forced to give up their lives for their cause.  I would hope that a women's movement in this day and age would not require such a drastic sacrifice as the first three named, but the truth is that Maria Shriver is the first since Nancy Reagan to "take up" the women's cause.  Yes, I will be so bold.  If we wish to be equal, we must first learn to treat each other equally and stand up for ourselves, and most importantly for each other.  Maria Shriver is the first in years, if not decades, to make any true effort.

First, let's review what so called women in power have done for other women.  Nancy Reagan was from the Silent Generation.  The women of the Silent Generation won the right to vote, became Rosie the Riveter and helped the United States become the most powerful country in the last century and ultimately earned us the rights that we have now. Nancy Reagan was the epitome of what women could be, a great wife, a great leader in her own right in a day and age where the only way women were "great leaders" was in the shadow of a great man.  Regardless of your opinion of the day and age that she grew up in, a different time and a different place, the causes she took up saw results.  Ronald Reagan may be the Great Communicator, but his wife was equally formidable in making further positive changes to equal rights, children's rights (although in the 90s we may have taken that a little too far), and even women's rights.  I find it laughable when you compare her record to Hillary Clinton.  Hillary has never done anything for women that didn't benefit her and I would expect nothing less, as her and her husband seem to both be a bit narcissistic.  He cheated with the ugliest women he could find and she played "Stand by Your Man" like a bad 50s song to get what she wanted.  And make no mistake, Senator Clinton, Secretary of State Clinton, definitely got what she wanted.  I'm loathe that some women would give her the Presidency on her record of self absorption.  Don't get me wrong.  I am impressed by the fact that Secretary of State Clinton took the blame for Benghazi, but that's about it.  Worse yet, I believe she fell on that sword as a calculated move for the Presidency.  She and her husband are definitely the Queen and King of how to manipulate the public.  They like no others have Political Marketing down to a fine science.  I daresay even better than the Reagans.  Nancy Pelosi is another huge disappointment.  Speaker of the House with no clout.  I remember watching her talk about something to do with the Gulf War and thinking she has the strength of a token.  She's so hyper focused on the issues with who she defines as "poor" she can't see the forest through the trees.  Everything for her comes back to the precious "poor" subsidies.  Nancy, you've never been poor, so shut up already.  I've said it before the poor that have any pride don't want handouts and the ones that do only do so because they have no other options.  The subsidies that keep them there are not accomplishing changing that.  Barbara Walters also seemed like a good candidate to bring the women's issues to the forefront, but really she has earned her place as a journalist and since she's never acted like she had any political aspirations that should be plenty.  She's never focused on women's issues exclusively, but she has held her own in her field that has been dominated by men.  Her professionalism has opened the door for the larger number of successful, respected in the field of journalism and we cannot fault anyone that has earned that respect.  Unlike that obnoxious phony, Marissa Mayer of Yahoo.  See my blog about her if you don't know.  She wrote a horrible book blaming women for holding ourselves down, which is partially true, but she herself is one of "those" women.  I hardly find her inputs valuable other than proof that some women that get "there" should have their teeth knocked in.  I half suspect that Marissa Mayer would be that woman who would sexually harass men in the workplace to prove that she was the alpha after reading her book.  That's not exactly what my Grams and her generation dreamt of a hundred years ago for women sweetheart.

So what was it that the Suffragettes dreamed of?  Equality.  Men and women working together equally.  We are inherently different, but that's what makes men and women stronger.  I've known couples that work together to achieve.  Some are more traditional--the housewife and the husband as the bread winner.  Some, far more rare, are the wife as the primary bread winner and the husband as the primary care giver for the children.  Some are a completely equal split, interchanging the roles as needed to survive in this economy.  That seems to be more and more of the middle class and thus why it really is becoming important to address that 70 cents on the dollar incongruity.  For hourly jobs, this isn't an issue, but for most salary, the educated women, are making less and doing more.  This hasn't changed from the 70s and 80s.  I know I wasn't working then, but the numbers really haven't changed.  We've covered it before, but the basics are women were making about 65 cents on the dollar then.  That's not much improvement.  Women made up 2.9% of Corporate America executives back then; we are 4.0% now.  Again, not much improvement.  We can blame men, but that's ridiculous.  Women like Marissa Mayer are part of the problem and I think she pissed off enough women that the Maria Shriver's are just beginning to rear their heads.  Equality is only as good as we are willing to give each other.  Women cannot have separate bars for men than we have for ourselves.  If it is inappropriate for a man to say to a woman, then it is equally inappropriate for it to be said by a woman to a man.  Believe it or not, about 15% of all spousal abuse, reported anyway, is women on men.  Yes, I'm serious.  We cannot act as the abusers.  We cannot stereotype what is inappropriate for men and then commit those same inappropriate behaviors in reverse.  My Grams used to say "good for the goose, good for the gander".  I couldn't quite figure out why the goose came first when I was younger.  It always seemed like the gander had the better hand to start with.  Recent studies do show that men still have the better hand coming out of the box (70 cents on the dollar afterall).  But, we must consider ourselves equal, treat each other equally, and hold ourselves to the same level we expect men to behave at.  Good for us, good for them.  If we can say rude things to men, then we shouldn't be surprised that they can say rude things to us.  In a conversation with one of my best friends, she pointed out that it may be the men that start it and it's a vicious circle.  Perhaps, but it is equally likely that we started the circle also.  It's a chicken and egg argument that doesn't accomplish anything.  I'm not stating that we don't joke around with some people and that we might say things that a strict review of would deem inappropriate.  I'm stating that we cannot forget that sometimes men are equally offended and I suspect less likely to tell anyone that they are offended than we are.  "Good for the goose, good for the gander."  Those protections that we would afford ourselves should apply to men also.

Another pet peeve about the older generations view of women is the Sexual Revolution.  It was important to the Silent Generation that birth control be readily available.  Yes, the Silent Generation.  If you think pre-marital sex wasn't happening in their day and age, you seriously need to take a long look at some of those flapper dresses of the 1920s.  Grams told me how a friend of hers died after a botched backroom abortion.  A college girl, a college boyfriend who didn't, couldn't, marry his college sweetheart, died of hemorraging after aborting, illegally, a fetus.  She could've had it done in a hospital, all quiet and less risk in spite of it being illegal because her family had money, but Grams' friend didn't want to admit the shame to her father.  Grams and her friends were fighting for legalization of birth control pills and abortion rights way before the Baby Boomer generation was a twinkle in anyone's eyes.  The Baby Boomer women can talk about the sexual revolution all they want, but let's be frank.  What they did with the birth control pill was have key parties, spread sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS and blame gay men, and increase the divorce rate to more than 50%.  The impact of their "free love" is 7 year olds baring their mid-drifts and looking like prostitutes and eighteen year old women like Mylie Cyrus acting like whores on stage and baring all in videos trying to define themselves as adult women.  I seriously doubt that is what the Silent Generation had in mind, especially since I would sit and listen to my Grandmother and her friends talk about their view of the successes and where the Boomers were taking it.  Divorce was supposed to be for not having to be abused, physically, emotionally or sexually.  Well into the 70s it was still legal for a man to rape his wife.  The Baby Boomers were not the ones to put those blue book laws to bed; they were busy with "key" parties.  The Silent Generation did that as one of their last gestures.  The good to come of the Sexual Revolution is that women are more in tune with our own bodies.  Yet, it hasn't done anything in the medical field for us.  We know more about the G spot and orgasms, but a doctor can't tell you exactly why we have PMS and why the symptoms vary so much from woman to woman.  They can't explain why some of us have debilitating cramps and others have none.  They created awesome replicas of breasts for women who suffer from breast cancer, yet the majority of women that have implants today are for their own vanity not because they survived some deadly disease.  Doctors have spent a lot of time figuring out how to make us more vain and make money off of the vanity of women rather than help solve why women have mood swings and migraines.  They know that some diseases affect women more than men and yet type a Google search on it and find nothing.  Go to WebMD and study the diseases that say they are more likely to affect women than men.  The number is staggering compared to those that affect men.  In addition, the treatments for ailments that are exclusively female are far more barbaric because, well honestly, they've done more research into those diseases that affect more men.  Endometriosis is one of the most dibilitating of women's diseases.  It affects the reproductive system.  It affects most women that get it in the child bearing, or pre-child bearing years.  The main solution is to take the uterus.  It means no children in many cases or a rush to have them before they take a woman's uterus to save her life.  Yep.  Years and years and years and hardly any focus on resolving a disease other than cutting us open and taking one of our most precious gifts.  Have we demanded they focus on it?  I doubt it; at least not the way they worried about ED.  Doctors and scientists are focused on male issues, except breast cancer for the most part to this day.  The Sexual Revolution was a waste of time.  Medically, we still know very little about our bodies.  Thanks Baby Boomers.  We know all we need to know about our bodies sexually, but 3 of my friends will never have children of their own because endometriosis and other diseases that are exclusively female weren't as important yet.

So I look at my own generation, GenX.  The men are better men.  No offense to earlier generations, but they are.  They were raised by single moms or they almost all had friends that were.  They have a better grasp on the plight of women and children than men of previous generations.  Not sure if that is by choice or not, but not relevant.  They just overall are better men when it comes to women.  They might have forgotten how to open the door for a lady, but I again view this as a problem with the mixed messages from the Baby Boomer women.  I want in a social setting to be treated with the respect that my grandmother's generation was treated with.  In a work setting, I want to be treated equally and fairly.  It's not as confusing as the Boomers have made it sound.  A football player doesn't tackle someone in a restaurant (well, shouldn't).  Why would a man treat his date like he's in the workplace?  Yet, I've heard women get pissy when a man opens the door for them.  Let them.  It's a nicety in a social setting that shows he's a gentleman.  It's a show of respect.  It's equally a show of respect to the gentleman to say "Thank you" not cuss him out for being a cad.  A cad would've walked in before us and let the door close on us, and I wouldn't hold it against a gentleman for telling you politely that perhaps your date was a mistake and take you home immediately.  Still in our generation, that girl-on-girl crime still is prevalent.  I'm ashamed.  Grams used to say, "if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say it at all."  It's easier said than done, to be sure, but after 45 years, I know exactly what she means.  We, women, cannot put each other down and not expect that to have an impact on keeping us in "our place".  Telling other women that they can't achieve, that they are shooting above their place, trying to be more than they should be, these are things that Grams loathed.  I suppose that's where I got it from.  I can't stand to hear another women say that another woman shouldn't try to go to school, shouldn't try to succeed, shouldn't be the person that is doing this or that.  If we feel that way, we shouldn't tell others what they should or shouldn't achieve, but ask ourselves why we are angry that they are achieving and not ourselves.  We sometimes like to place blame on others for our failures.  It's not a male or female thing; it's a human thing.  But, it's a maturity level thing to reach a point where we acknowledge that some things are our own fault even if we were provoked.  Getting even with the "mean" girl in high school might seem funny when at your 10 year high school reunion, but it shows that you never grew on your own.  That "mean" girl will always have her own cross to bear and it's not really going to make us feel any better long term if we haven't already found a way to feel good about who we are.

I said earlier that this wasn't about me coming home, but that it somehow became intertwined with it.  I was recently insulted by a late 20-early 30 somethinger.  I'm fat and ugly and jealous of her.  A daughter of a drug addict who looks like she's almost in her 40s who was a stripper, might still be.  Most people back home aren't like that.  But it's indicative of what kind of women we are still creating by the way we raise them.  "All we are is all we know."  I suppose I could still be pissed that she blew up my phone for a couple hours in the middle of the night.  But then I realized that she knows what she is and wanted to try to make me feel bad about myself.  It's a damn shame that's how some girls are still raised but it is still the big problem in our society.  I think like a guy most of the time so it was all I could do not to go jerk her up and teach her to have some respect.  But considering who she is, her family's issues, no one could expect her to grow up right.  She would not have needed to blow my phone up if she hadn't been intimidated by who I am.  All she did was brag and pretend to be something she's not.  I didn't.  Not my style but I was raised to try to see the other person's point of view.  I can't imagine what a crappy life she's probably had.  Doesn't change it's probably too late for her. 

How will we fix people like her, society as a whole, the inequities that still exist?  I suspect there's some things we will never fix.  Nothing will ever be 100% equal.  There will always be children that have had parents that might have drug problems.  There will always be gold diggers.  There will always be rapists, spousal abuse and yes pay differences.   Maybe we make a law that makes it more even.  Maybe we throw addicts and child abusers in jail.  All we can do is grow ourselves and then society by sheer numbers will get better.  Not because of some stupid political agenda.  But because we have become better. 

That which doesn't kill us will make us stronger.

Very recently, a friend's daughter committed suicide because of bullies.  A little sister to me posted a video of several kids that had committed suicide because of bullies--the link is below.  We would like to think that the kids that are not bullying will stop videoing the actions and start stopping it.  We are shocked that they post these escapades on YouTube or their Facebook pages.  I'm not really sure why.  Think back in time.  We all witnessed bullying, were the bullied or sadly, may have been the bullies.  Did you do anything when you were a kid?  A teenager?  Probably not.  Sad, but true.  You sat in the cafeteria or study hall and either laughed about it as you repeated what you saw or you kept your mouth shut because you were just happy it wasn't you.  There are very few of us that ever stepped up to help the kid being bullied, and if that kid was the new kid, it almost never happened.  They were on their own.  The bullies were sometimes one large boy with a small following, or a gang of mean girls with a ring leader.  They were often the "most popular" in school.  Even if you did tell someone, the retaliation was going to be extensive.  It was better to keep your mouth shut.  Sometimes, even if teachers got involved and tried to stop it, the bullies felt so empowered that they began harassing the teachers that came to the defense of the bullied.  The solution is not to ask the kids to fix this.  They won't.  We treat them as if they are adults in some cases, but recognize that they are not by various laws that restrict them more and more.  We cannot have it both ways.  But the worst part about it isn't the bullies still bullying.  The worst part about it isn't that we let them.  Yes, we should stand up for the kids being bullied.  Those teachers are to be commended.  But we have to realize that the kids that aren't standing up, lack the strength themselves.  They're kids too.  As adults, we cannot ask them why they don't stand up.  Teachers and administrators should recognize and put a stop to it.  That is so much easier said than done.  Bullies cover their tracks. What we need to do is teach our children to have the confidence in themselves, because the bullies will be bullies throughout life.  Mean girls will almost always be mean women.  Bully guys will almost never recognize 20 years later that they did anything wrong.  It was all fun for them.  The bullied have to be reminded that they are not alone.  The question is how to do that?

We often forget how bullies work.  They are never the one standing alone.  They need minions.  They must have minions.  They'll show up in the principal's office teary eyed, scared themselves and put on one hell of a show.  The minions will too.  The one standing alone is the one being bullied.  The odds of kids that are not the victims coming out and volunteering to stand next to the sacrificial lamb are slim to nil.  They don't want to be next.  Who can blame them?  They're kids, not adults.  They may laugh about it, post videos about it, or they may just keep their heads down.  Depending on how they deal with stress, how they've observed their parents dealing with stress, they will do the same.  We shouldn't automatically punish those posting the videos.  It may be their way of trying to warn someone, anyone, without having any repercussions from the bullies.  Bullies love to brag when they can.  Eventually, they can't help themselves.  Once they have someone terrified and they are winning or feel they have won, they can't help but continue to escalate.  The empowerment is scary.  So posting the video is either bragging or kids who know that won't come with repercussions.  But we forget.  Heck, most of us don't even know.  Most were not bullied as kids.  We are worried now, because the kids committing suicide do so with videos and post them for all to see.  We are now more sadly aware of the pain these other children cause.  But make no mistake a bully will continue to be so well into their adult lives...maybe the entirety of their adult lives.  The one thing that remains consistent with these types is they never, never stand alone.

Bullies are basically cowards who have to have others involved in their schemes.  Recently someone I respect explained to me "negative" versus "positive" leaders.  Positive leaders are those that improve the atmosphere, motivate, care.  Negative leaders are the opposite.  As kids develop, these tendencies emerge, but what I've noticed even in adults, in retrospect over the years, is that negative leaders must have a hoard.  They need more than one.  They always have to have a minion.  Bullies have to have minions.  Nothing has changed for them since they were kids.  When we consider how the adults like this act and the possibility that nothing has changed for them, then we can understand the dynamic of how this is with teenagers and kids.  They do not stand on their own.  They must have others and they need those others to help solidify their power.  Make sure the rest of the masses that are not part of their clique fall in line, move out of the way, remember who's in charge.  We can't expect kids to stand up against that.  Think about every single teen angst movie you have ever seen.  That isn't how kids handle bullies.  It's always one.  Maybe one with a couple of scared friends.  But they always are the minority, the small numbers.  The strength to stand up to that behavior, to bullies, is rare.  Where does it come from?

Really, that is the question.  I was a tiny kid.  I was still wearing 3T when I was 5 and started kindergarten.  I like to tell a funny story about kindergarten about storytime.  My teacher was reading us a book, and I didn't realize that I was not to read along aloud since my mother expected me to read with her growing up.  My teacher was reading us Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss.  It was colorful, with pictures, big broad type.  I was enamored.

"Alexandra," my teacher paused in the middle of the book.  "You cannot read along with me.  I know this is one of your favorite books, but please stop."

"This isn't one of my favorite books," I replied.  "I've never read this."

"Alexandra, what is rule number one on the classroom rules?"

I glanced over at the wall where they were hung and read it to her.  "Lying is bad.  We do not lie."

"That's right."

"But, I'm not lying.  I've never read this book."

"Alexandra, we do not lie."

"I'm not.  I've never read this book."  At that point, she motioned to the teacher's aide and took me to the principal's office.  I sat there mortified while she talked to the principal in his office.  My mother and Grams came and the secretary motioned them into the principal's office.  My mother shot me a look like she could crown me royally.  Lying wasn't tolerated in my house either.  My family had a strict view that the truth may hurt once but a lie would hurt at least twice--once when it was told and again when the truth came out.  I hung my head.  I thought that I was going to be in trouble, not because I lied, but because disappointing my Grams and my mother was a big weight on me.

After a few minutes, I was called into the principal's office.  You remember those old offices.  The big leather wing back chairs.  The giant dark cherry or mahogany desks and bookcases.  A very formal setting for a tiny kid.  I climbed into the open wing back to the left of my Grams sitting in the other one and my mother standing behind her.

"Alexandra, I understand from your mother that you can read?"  The principal sounded more doubtful than confident.

I looked over at my mother; she nodded at me.  I looked back at him, looked him in the eyes and told him, "Yes sir."  I hung my head.  I was pretty sure I was in trouble--just not for what yet.

His tone softened and he asked what I was reading now.  I replied that I was reading Huckleberry Finn.  He explained that is what my mother and Grams had explained.  How did I like it?  I didn't like the slavery.  Didn't seem right, but other than that it was a really good book.  He glanced at my Grams and mother.  He turned around to the bookshelf behind him and grabbed a book, the book we were talking about.  He opened it up randomly and stood and leaned over to hand me the book.  I took the book and he asked me to read it to him.  I glanced for approval from my mother and she nodded at me.  I looked up at him probably looking pretty sheepish.

"Um, where do you want me to start?"  He and the teacher glanced at each other. "Do you want me to start at the top of the page, at the first full paragraph, at the break in the page?"  They exchanged glances again.

"Start at the first full paragraph."

So I did.  When I got to the break in the middle of the page, I paused and looked up.  He and my teacher looked pale.  I remember thinking that they probably thought I was an alien.  Too many "Star Trek" episodes, I guess.

"So," he finally said.  "This is like the book you've been reading?"  I looked at the page on the left.  It was a lithograph of Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.

"No sir," I replied and shot my mother a look.  Then looked back at him, "my book doesn't have any pictures."  He and the teacher exchanged a glance again.  Then they dismissed me.

Hilarious when I tell it. Probably not as funny on paper.  I was skipped to the first grade.  I was placed in second grade English and eventually Math also.  I was a size 3T going to class with kids that were wearing their right sizes in most cases, or even larger--7 or 8 years old.  I was shoved in lockers.  Pushed down.  It was never noticed by anyone.  I remember a boy, Walter, pooping his pants in class the next year.  We were in second grade.  I remember being relieved because now instead of picking on me the mean kids picked on him.  The boys I was friends with became protective of me and I wasn't bullied again there.  But after my mother passed, my father moved me.  New schools, every couple of years.  Still two years tinier than my actual age and in English and Math classes with kids two years older now.  I was picked on and picked on and picked on.  My mother used to tell me to hold my chin up, take it, be the better person.  That which didn't kill me would make me stronger.  Someday, she would say I would be the one to be able to protect others because I would understand their plight better than anyone else.  Never give up because that is what they wanted.  I didn't understand it.  Even as a teenager.  But, I did as she advised, even though she was gone.

My observations are that she was right.  She told me to face it with my head up and I did.  Retaliation was not an option, nor should it.  We don't want our kids turning into that which they deplore.  But be who you are, never forget your own self worth, and no matter how many are in the hoard, you are still you.  That is what we need to tell these kids.  Bullies will come and go in life, even as adults.  It's the nature of the beast--human nature.  It's unfortunate, but less confident people will always try to tear someone else down that they perceive as better than them.  We don't like to admit that as adults.  We try overall to be better than that and ignore that bullies can still be bullies even as adults.  They will still get the hoard involved.  Attempt to make one person look bad, pick and pick and pick.  No different whatsoever than pushing a kid into a locker and locking them in there, walking away with their minions laughing, and some kid who felt bad either sneaking back to let you out or a teacher finally realizing that you're in there.

Why did I survive?  Why wasn't I one of those sad statistics?  Why didn't we realize then that bullies were the main reason for suicide?  Because we didn't have videos.  We didn't have YouTube.  The focus on teen suicide was why didn't some kids have self worth.  Now we know why.  But most haven't got a clue as to how to fix it.  We won't fix it by asking the other kids who aren't being bullied to stand up.  They usually are the minority too, or at least feel like it, and they won't stand up.  We even have adults that can be bullied into not doing the right thing by a hoard.  Why should we expect that teenagers, basically kids, would stand up?  The strength to stand up sometimes eludes many adults.  To put that weight on kids makes no sense whatsoever.

There are three very important things that have to happen.  Parents and teachers need to create avenues of reporting this without anyone knowing, but need to be very aware that bullies often portray themselves as the victims.  If the kid standing in the hoard is claiming to have been bullied and the other kid is standing alone, odds are a million to one that the one standing alone is the bully.  The bully doesn't ever stand alone.  They are cowards.  Cowards never stand alone.

Two, parents need to tell our kids to be better than that.  My mother said that which didn't kill me would make me stronger.  We've had bullies actually kill other kids before.  It's a huge tragedy.  But most bullies are not going to get the minions to go that far.  We have to feed our children's confidence, make sure that they can hold their chin up even under the worst of adversity.  Life throws us curve balls all the time and sometimes they come from even adult bullies.  "Smile, chin up, poise and grace," as my Grams used to say.  Easier said than done sometimes, but the victims need to remember, need to be given the confidence to stand on their own.  In junior high, a team of 5 girls beat me to a pulp.  The ring leader was Dieta.  I still remember her face, her name, everything about her.  She was jealous, in hindsight, because I was friends with a boy she didn't think I should be friends with.  The entire one side of my face was swollen and black after they got done with me.  The bruises up and down my sides from being kicked were temporary.   The swelling to my face, also temporary.  My father never knew since he was away and my aunt and uncle were watching me.  My aunt didn't want me to go to school that next day.  I looked like hell warmed over, to say the least.  I would turn the other cheek.  I had no choice.  But I wasn't going to miss school that day.  My aunt said she'd drive me.  No, I would walk my normal route, the one that I had just taken the beating on the afternoon before.  When I walked into school, as I walked down the hallway, everyone and I mean everyone stopped and stared.  I was a mess.  I walked to my locker to put my things away.  In the corner of my good eye, I saw Dieta and her friends.  They came towards me.  I was terrified, but I wasn't going anywhere.  That which doesn't kill me will make me stronger; I could hear my mother's voice in my head.  As Dieta reached me, a voice on the other side, Renee, a ninth grader in my advanced arts class.  (I was a sixth grader in 9th grade Math and English too.)  No, Renee had said.  You leave her alone I heard from my good ear.  They had already been bragging about beating me to a pulp.  Renee was a little scary herself, but really cool in class.  She told Dieta that she would answer to Renee if anyone touched me again.  There aren't a lot of Renees in this world.  It's too bad there aren't more, but it wasn't Renee who got me through that day.  It was my mother's words.  Her confidence gave me confidence, even though she wasn't there and never would be.  We need to tell our children that they have strength, they can achieve in spite of adversity, and that no one but themselves can hold them down.  That which doesn't kill us actually does make us stronger.

Finally, we as adults need to stop looking for the easy solution and trying to put the weight on other kids.  It's not going to happen.  We have adults that get scared of a hoard.  Fight or flight instinct is almost always flight, unless former military and even then, trust me, the flight instinct can be strong even with all the training.  So expecting some other teenagers, kids, to be like Renee.  Good luck with that.   They might post the video because they know the kids, the hoard, will love to see its own works and in hopes that we see it in time and intervene.  They are kids; they expect adults to fix their problems.  We're adults.  We should know that sometimes adults won't fix the problems that they observe with other adults.  What would make us think putting that weight on kids is going to work?  We need to build the confidence of our kids to stand alone if needed.  We need to remember that often the biggest bullies are the ones that are kissing the teacher or principal's proverbial *ss.  None of this changes in adulthood.  We all know it, but we don't even talk about it at dinner parties.  We remind ourselves what it was like to be them, because we all know that most of us didn't want to be the bully's target in our own high school.  Better her or him than me.  Human nature.  To be honest, bullies are cowards.  They're sneaky cowards as kids and they're sneaky cowards as adults.  We all know this.  Cowardice is from a lack of confidence also.  We need to instill confidence in kids, the bullies too.  With confidence, we also have the ability to self analyze.  Bullies need to be able to self analyze and decide whether they like what they see.  They can't do this if they lack self confidence, so they can't change their behavior without self analysis. Confidence is the real solution.  Parents, teachers, adults in general, need to understand this and try to help instill it in our kids.  Not false bravado, but true confidence.   How to do that?  Tell your kid everyday that they can achieve, they are great and they have great potential.  It may or may not work.  But God willing, in the back of their minds, even when they are faced with the hoard, they will hear you in the back of their minds, your voice strong and clear, "that which doesn't kill us will make us stronger."

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The link to the video I mentioned earlier.  The advice may not match mine, but think about the pain you inflict when you join the hoard.  Even as an adult.  *hit the Post link*

Post by Lexie Westermayer.