We often forget how bullies work. They are never the one standing alone. They need minions. They must have minions. They'll show up in the principal's office teary eyed, scared themselves and put on one hell of a show. The minions will too. The one standing alone is the one being bullied. The odds of kids that are not the victims coming out and volunteering to stand next to the sacrificial lamb are slim to nil. They don't want to be next. Who can blame them? They're kids, not adults. They may laugh about it, post videos about it, or they may just keep their heads down. Depending on how they deal with stress, how they've observed their parents dealing with stress, they will do the same. We shouldn't automatically punish those posting the videos. It may be their way of trying to warn someone, anyone, without having any repercussions from the bullies. Bullies love to brag when they can. Eventually, they can't help themselves. Once they have someone terrified and they are winning or feel they have won, they can't help but continue to escalate. The empowerment is scary. So posting the video is either bragging or kids who know that won't come with repercussions. But we forget. Heck, most of us don't even know. Most were not bullied as kids. We are worried now, because the kids committing suicide do so with videos and post them for all to see. We are now more sadly aware of the pain these other children cause. But make no mistake a bully will continue to be so well into their adult lives...maybe the entirety of their adult lives. The one thing that remains consistent with these types is they never, never stand alone.
Bullies are basically cowards who have to have others involved in their schemes. Recently someone I respect explained to me "negative" versus "positive" leaders. Positive leaders are those that improve the atmosphere, motivate, care. Negative leaders are the opposite. As kids develop, these tendencies emerge, but what I've noticed even in adults, in retrospect over the years, is that negative leaders must have a hoard. They need more than one. They always have to have a minion. Bullies have to have minions. Nothing has changed for them since they were kids. When we consider how the adults like this act and the possibility that nothing has changed for them, then we can understand the dynamic of how this is with teenagers and kids. They do not stand on their own. They must have others and they need those others to help solidify their power. Make sure the rest of the masses that are not part of their clique fall in line, move out of the way, remember who's in charge. We can't expect kids to stand up against that. Think about every single teen angst movie you have ever seen. That isn't how kids handle bullies. It's always one. Maybe one with a couple of scared friends. But they always are the minority, the small numbers. The strength to stand up to that behavior, to bullies, is rare. Where does it come from?
Really, that is the question. I was a tiny kid. I was still wearing 3T when I was 5 and started kindergarten. I like to tell a funny story about kindergarten about storytime. My teacher was reading us a book, and I didn't realize that I was not to read along aloud since my mother expected me to read with her growing up. My teacher was reading us Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss. It was colorful, with pictures, big broad type. I was enamored.
"Alexandra," my teacher paused in the middle of the book. "You cannot read along with me. I know this is one of your favorite books, but please stop."
"This isn't one of my favorite books," I replied. "I've never read this."
"Alexandra, what is rule number one on the classroom rules?"
I glanced over at the wall where they were hung and read it to her. "Lying is bad. We do not lie."
"That's right."
"But, I'm not lying. I've never read this book."
"Alexandra, we do not lie."
"I'm not. I've never read this book." At that point, she motioned to the teacher's aide and took me to the principal's office. I sat there mortified while she talked to the principal in his office. My mother and Grams came and the secretary motioned them into the principal's office. My mother shot me a look like she could crown me royally. Lying wasn't tolerated in my house either. My family had a strict view that the truth may hurt once but a lie would hurt at least twice--once when it was told and again when the truth came out. I hung my head. I thought that I was going to be in trouble, not because I lied, but because disappointing my Grams and my mother was a big weight on me.
After a few minutes, I was called into the principal's office. You remember those old offices. The big leather wing back chairs. The giant dark cherry or mahogany desks and bookcases. A very formal setting for a tiny kid. I climbed into the open wing back to the left of my Grams sitting in the other one and my mother standing behind her.
"Alexandra, I understand from your mother that you can read?" The principal sounded more doubtful than confident.
I looked over at my mother; she nodded at me. I looked back at him, looked him in the eyes and told him, "Yes sir." I hung my head. I was pretty sure I was in trouble--just not for what yet.
His tone softened and he asked what I was reading now. I replied that I was reading Huckleberry Finn. He explained that is what my mother and Grams had explained. How did I like it? I didn't like the slavery. Didn't seem right, but other than that it was a really good book. He glanced at my Grams and mother. He turned around to the bookshelf behind him and grabbed a book, the book we were talking about. He opened it up randomly and stood and leaned over to hand me the book. I took the book and he asked me to read it to him. I glanced for approval from my mother and she nodded at me. I looked up at him probably looking pretty sheepish.
"Um, where do you want me to start?" He and the teacher glanced at each other. "Do you want me to start at the top of the page, at the first full paragraph, at the break in the page?" They exchanged glances again.
"Start at the first full paragraph."
So I did. When I got to the break in the middle of the page, I paused and looked up. He and my teacher looked pale. I remember thinking that they probably thought I was an alien. Too many "Star Trek" episodes, I guess.
"So," he finally said. "This is like the book you've been reading?" I looked at the page on the left. It was a lithograph of Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.
"No sir," I replied and shot my mother a look. Then looked back at him, "my book doesn't have any pictures." He and the teacher exchanged a glance again. Then they dismissed me.
Hilarious when I tell it. Probably not as funny on paper. I was skipped to the first grade. I was placed in second grade English and eventually Math also. I was a size 3T going to class with kids that were wearing their right sizes in most cases, or even larger--7 or 8 years old. I was shoved in lockers. Pushed down. It was never noticed by anyone. I remember a boy, Walter, pooping his pants in class the next year. We were in second grade. I remember being relieved because now instead of picking on me the mean kids picked on him. The boys I was friends with became protective of me and I wasn't bullied again there. But after my mother passed, my father moved me. New schools, every couple of years. Still two years tinier than my actual age and in English and Math classes with kids two years older now. I was picked on and picked on and picked on. My mother used to tell me to hold my chin up, take it, be the better person. That which didn't kill me would make me stronger. Someday, she would say I would be the one to be able to protect others because I would understand their plight better than anyone else. Never give up because that is what they wanted. I didn't understand it. Even as a teenager. But, I did as she advised, even though she was gone.
My observations are that she was right. She told me to face it with my head up and I did. Retaliation was not an option, nor should it. We don't want our kids turning into that which they deplore. But be who you are, never forget your own self worth, and no matter how many are in the hoard, you are still you. That is what we need to tell these kids. Bullies will come and go in life, even as adults. It's the nature of the beast--human nature. It's unfortunate, but less confident people will always try to tear someone else down that they perceive as better than them. We don't like to admit that as adults. We try overall to be better than that and ignore that bullies can still be bullies even as adults. They will still get the hoard involved. Attempt to make one person look bad, pick and pick and pick. No different whatsoever than pushing a kid into a locker and locking them in there, walking away with their minions laughing, and some kid who felt bad either sneaking back to let you out or a teacher finally realizing that you're in there.
Why did I survive? Why wasn't I one of those sad statistics? Why didn't we realize then that bullies were the main reason for suicide? Because we didn't have videos. We didn't have YouTube. The focus on teen suicide was why didn't some kids have self worth. Now we know why. But most haven't got a clue as to how to fix it. We won't fix it by asking the other kids who aren't being bullied to stand up. They usually are the minority too, or at least feel like it, and they won't stand up. We even have adults that can be bullied into not doing the right thing by a hoard. Why should we expect that teenagers, basically kids, would stand up? The strength to stand up sometimes eludes many adults. To put that weight on kids makes no sense whatsoever.
There are three very important things that have to happen. Parents and teachers need to create avenues of reporting this without anyone knowing, but need to be very aware that bullies often portray themselves as the victims. If the kid standing in the hoard is claiming to have been bullied and the other kid is standing alone, odds are a million to one that the one standing alone is the bully. The bully doesn't ever stand alone. They are cowards. Cowards never stand alone.
Two, parents need to tell our kids to be better than that. My mother said that which didn't kill me would make me stronger. We've had bullies actually kill other kids before. It's a huge tragedy. But most bullies are not going to get the minions to go that far. We have to feed our children's confidence, make sure that they can hold their chin up even under the worst of adversity. Life throws us curve balls all the time and sometimes they come from even adult bullies. "Smile, chin up, poise and grace," as my Grams used to say. Easier said than done sometimes, but the victims need to remember, need to be given the confidence to stand on their own. In junior high, a team of 5 girls beat me to a pulp. The ring leader was Dieta. I still remember her face, her name, everything about her. She was jealous, in hindsight, because I was friends with a boy she didn't think I should be friends with. The entire one side of my face was swollen and black after they got done with me. The bruises up and down my sides from being kicked were temporary. The swelling to my face, also temporary. My father never knew since he was away and my aunt and uncle were watching me. My aunt didn't want me to go to school that next day. I looked like hell warmed over, to say the least. I would turn the other cheek. I had no choice. But I wasn't going to miss school that day. My aunt said she'd drive me. No, I would walk my normal route, the one that I had just taken the beating on the afternoon before. When I walked into school, as I walked down the hallway, everyone and I mean everyone stopped and stared. I was a mess. I walked to my locker to put my things away. In the corner of my good eye, I saw Dieta and her friends. They came towards me. I was terrified, but I wasn't going anywhere. That which doesn't kill me will make me stronger; I could hear my mother's voice in my head. As Dieta reached me, a voice on the other side, Renee, a ninth grader in my advanced arts class. (I was a sixth grader in 9th grade Math and English too.) No, Renee had said. You leave her alone I heard from my good ear. They had already been bragging about beating me to a pulp. Renee was a little scary herself, but really cool in class. She told Dieta that she would answer to Renee if anyone touched me again. There aren't a lot of Renees in this world. It's too bad there aren't more, but it wasn't Renee who got me through that day. It was my mother's words. Her confidence gave me confidence, even though she wasn't there and never would be. We need to tell our children that they have strength, they can achieve in spite of adversity, and that no one but themselves can hold them down. That which doesn't kill us actually does make us stronger.
Finally, we as adults need to stop looking for the easy solution and trying to put the weight on other kids. It's not going to happen. We have adults that get scared of a hoard. Fight or flight instinct is almost always flight, unless former military and even then, trust me, the flight instinct can be strong even with all the training. So expecting some other teenagers, kids, to be like Renee. Good luck with that. They might post the video because they know the kids, the hoard, will love to see its own works and in hopes that we see it in time and intervene. They are kids; they expect adults to fix their problems. We're adults. We should know that sometimes adults won't fix the problems that they observe with other adults. What would make us think putting that weight on kids is going to work? We need to build the confidence of our kids to stand alone if needed. We need to remember that often the biggest bullies are the ones that are kissing the teacher or principal's proverbial *ss. None of this changes in adulthood. We all know it, but we don't even talk about it at dinner parties. We remind ourselves what it was like to be them, because we all know that most of us didn't want to be the bully's target in our own high school. Better her or him than me. Human nature. To be honest, bullies are cowards. They're sneaky cowards as kids and they're sneaky cowards as adults. We all know this. Cowardice is from a lack of confidence also. We need to instill confidence in kids, the bullies too. With confidence, we also have the ability to self analyze. Bullies need to be able to self analyze and decide whether they like what they see. They can't do this if they lack self confidence, so they can't change their behavior without self analysis. Confidence is the real solution. Parents, teachers, adults in general, need to understand this and try to help instill it in our kids. Not false bravado, but true confidence. How to do that? Tell your kid everyday that they can achieve, they are great and they have great potential. It may or may not work. But God willing, in the back of their minds, even when they are faced with the hoard, they will hear you in the back of their minds, your voice strong and clear, "that which doesn't kill us will make us stronger."
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The link to the video I mentioned earlier. The advice may not match mine, but think about the pain you inflict when you join the hoard. Even as an adult. *hit the Post link*
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