There's some things in life that we are better off letting go. One of those is when someone has an obsession with another person we simply can't let it go. I've been on both ends of that ruler and it's not very smart albeit I'm not sure we can do anything about it. I could probably sugar coat even my own failings at it and make it sound like it was all good. Truth is trying to replace someone that is no longer part of our life is a bigger no-no than trying to have someone in our life that is simply not good for us. I've got a couple of friends that I would simply call ridiculous when it comes to replacing someone or some relationship. I myself could make those same accusations when I'm looking in the mirror. Ironic when we consider that I kicked my ex-husband to the curb and only looked back in wonder as far as the impact on my boys.
Let's go there first, shall we? My ex-husband cheated on me while I was pregnant (many of you know this already) and rubbed my nose in it similar to rubbing a dog's nose in poop. I kicked him to the curb so fast it made his head spin faster than mine was at the time. He eventually married and is still with the last of several mistresses at that time. While I didn't just walk away, I mean I was at a brisk run in any direction away from him, he spent the next 10 years calling me at 7 am his time--which sometimes meant 2 am my time--for my birthday, the anniversary of our engagement, our first son's birthday, Valentine's Day, and our wedding anniversary. I could tell you that it was a big ego feed. I'd be lying. It was annoying as hell, particularly to the one or two boyfriends that happened to be there over the years. His obsession, for lack of any other description, was simple. I wanted nothing to do with him and that was a blow to his ego. So frankly, a blow to someone's ego can cause an unhealthy behavior that will go on for years and years...and years...and years. Frankly, he quit paying his child support 6 months before he was supposed to and I was told that I could file to get the money through our son's senior year. I thought about it. It would mean driving down to Florida. It would mean having to chase his *ss around for the next year to 2 years. Honestly, I've never wanted someone out of my life so bad ever. Making any effort for a lousy 6 months of child support that would mean I would have to endure contact with that jerk for more time than I had originally anticipated...well, no thanks. All of his actions have ever done is fortify that I was correct in walking away. His obsession with trying to piss me off, aggravate a situation, upset the apple cart, try and get a rise out of me...well, yes, yes, I absolutely made the right decision kicking him to the curb. The lesson here? Obsessing over someone where we think we are going to make them miserable does two things: 1. They won't care. 2. They will ultimately be positive they made the right decision.
So am I immune? No. I obsessed over an ex-boyfriend for years. It was a really good relationship. Never argued--until we broke up. Always had his undivided attention when we were together. He was kind and fun. And sexy as hell. Seriously, never be with someone that you don't find attractive. And I was blinded by all the good stuff. He was smart, soft spoken, and always a gentleman, at least while we were dating. I suppose that was all debatable after the fact. The thing that made it so good is that I realized that I could have a normal, non-jealous, secure relationship. That was really what I was obsessing over. I hadn't had that in years and years by the time I dated him. The main flaw that I kept overlooking was that he was basically a coward. That's how it ended; he was afraid of another guy I had dated. Moreover, he would keep tugging on that string that I left in his reach until I moved away from him. But it was my own fault. I just didn't want to forget how great that had been compared to everything else I had ever been in. There's a keyword there: Compared. Compared to everyone else I had dated, only one other relationship had been that great and that one had been cut short by a Gulf deployment. I kept kicking myself when the reality was I was sugar coating a major flaw. Cowardice was just as bad as the cheating--in some ways even worse. At least the cheating was upfront and in my face. The cowardice problem was something I kept sugar coating and telling myself that wasn't the problem. Faced with his lying to his brother about our relationship, I realized that his cowardice had little bounds. Ten years later he had minimized 10 months, plus 5-6 months on and off again to two weeks. I could've crowned him. All I could think in that moment was WTH did I spend all this time obsessing over a coward?
Truth is none of us know why we obsess over someone. I have a really good friend who's 1st wife passed away suddenly. He loved her very much, and still does. He's had a couple marriages since, but I think he spends a lot of his time searching for another her, someone just like his first wife. I'm not sure how much the last couple were like her, but I can say that isn't working for him. It won't work for anyone. We cannot replace what's lost. We have to move on and accept that it's gone. In this case, she's gone forever. There's no reconciliation even possible. Still, I watch him wallow in it sometimes and listen because that's the kind of friend I am. My advice is always the same. She wouldn't want him looking to replace her and she would want him to be happy. There's a major difference there. My ex-husband wanted to make sure I knew he was still around. Shove that knife in my side as often as possible. Truth is that my friend's first marriage sounds perfect, and I'm not saying that it wasn't. However, nothing is perfect. It was simply as close as he has ever gotten. He won't find another as perfect until he stops dwelling on how perfect that one was.
Over the years, I've observed lots of my friends, male and female, run into this rut called obsession. Sadly, sometimes it's not all their faults. I'd say at least half the time the person being obsessed over plays a part. My ex-boyfriend popped up every time I posted on FB where I was when I first moved home. So I quit posting. He give me dirty looks--I assume (yes, I know *ss-u-me) it was because I would text him but not acknowledge him in person. However, I had made up my mind that if he couldn't acknowledge me that it was definitely time for me to move on. I'm not sure it helped or hindered my "recovery" or acceptance. All I know is at a certain point I realized that it wasn't making me feel better. It was like stepping back in time and having that string tugged. It was worthless. I had a good friend who insisted on dating every woman he could get his hands on. More often than not, annoying trashy women. In fact, that seems to be most men's ways of dealing with their obsessions--find as many trashy women as possible. I'm pretty sure it doesn't work from my humble observations. In fact, if anything, it hyper-exasperates the fact that they are still obsessing. Women, most anyway, we tend to cut ourselves off, short, whatever and do anything but date. I suppose that's just how we cope. Ironic when you think about it. The male ego is probably in general far more fragile than the female ego. Not to say that confidence and ego are mutually exclusive, but in terms of recovering from a bad relationship, women are far more likely to recover in a healthy way regardless of their self confidence levels.
Sadly, I suppose the only way we truly get passed the obsession is by seeing the obsession for what it is. I'm not really sure how my friend can get passed his first marriage since she passed away. It's not like he can see all of her flaws and accept that it ended for a reason. It ended because of happenstance. Life can be funny (ironic not haha) that way. My own obsession ended when I saw the cowardice. It had been there all along right there in front of me. It hadn't been hidden; I just chose to ignore it. I watched a good friend of mine lose her obsession with a guy after she realized that she was always paying for everything. I watched a guy I know obsess so much over his ex-wife that he turned into a complete butt. By the time a couple of years had gone by, he only had 3 guys that would still hang around him. (Yea, no even yours truly bailed on him.) So I don't have an answer. I suspect the best answer I have is see the person that you are with for what they are. Flaws and all. If it ends, then focus on the flaws--not what you thought were the good things.
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