used to be...

It's completely normal to look back and think "what if". Most of us certainly end that thought knowing that "what if" might have been great but would have required us to give up something else that we've been blessed with. We then write off what if, with what is. Hopefully, most people are like me and thankful for that what has been given to them and that "what if" could've resulted in worse than whatever is bringing us down.

Today is unfortunately one of those days for me. My kids have been my life, but now that they are teenagers, they've reached the point where i don't know what i'm talking about. I know this is the norm, for any parents--single or not. I also am acutely aware that a lot of single mothers don't bother to try to discipline their children. At a certain point, it means you have to become the disciplinarian, and most of us just don't want to be that person. It's not that we can't do the job. It's that part of the job is draining emotionally. For men, with the deeper voice, generally the larger size, there's less energy needed. There are times where either parent in a two parent home must be the disciplinarian, but being that person 100% of the time is difficult. So I can understand why many other single mothers "give up" or just can't step up to the plate. I also have become acutely aware that I'm different because of it.

So now I'm contemplating "what if" I had never had to step up to the plate and be the disciplinarian all the time. Would I be the same person? Would I be happier? I'm actually a pretty happy person, although some people mistake my sarcastic sense of humor as "unhappy"--which is ridiculous. That's like assuming a person that bottles up all their frustration is happy--which every psychologist, self-help book and general advice columnist will tell you is the fastest way to unhappiness. I do think I would feel more balanced if I hadn't taken on the approach that these boys are my responsibility and accepted that it was up to me to raise them "right". It's so much energy and effort, and sometimes the reward is so minimal--especially as they become teenagers and they know everything. They are so sure that they could do better, know better, trying to define themselves as who they are and who they are going to be--separate of mom and dad.

It would've been easy to blame the failure of my relationship. That's that staple that I've heard over and over from other single mothers and even one single father as their kids became non-productive types...and I don't care what anyone says, both parent homes are just as likely to produce non-productive citizens as single parent homes if there is no one accepting responsibility of disciplining the kids. It's obvious in those stereotypical role homes where the father is absentee because he focuses more on his buddies, alcohol, hunting, fishing, whatever, that the kids there are often suffering from the same lack of discipline and the typical excuses blaming the other parent. (Never have understood why anyone stays in a relationship like that. It seems so self-destructive when looking at it logically, but more power to whoever chooses such misery over being alone.) So yes, it is possible for any home to have the problem, but single parents, particularly single mothers, are so prone to letting their responsibilities waver.

For example, I know a nurse who ended up with a restricted license because she became dependent on little pills to get her through her day after her divorce. Her kids are rotten, horrible kids, and they've gotten worse over the years. Of course, both her and her ex blame each other for the kids behavioral problems--it sounds simplistic and obvious that it's both of their faults. But to me, it's slightly more hers. She became a pill popper and it even affected her job. The kids live with her, it's up to her to try to maintain the discipline, even when he won't. But it gives her something to whine about, "he won't help me discipline the kids and ... is in juvie because he won't help". NO DING-A-LING. The kid is in "juvie" because neither of the asshole parents can see past their own dramas to step up to the plate. Every drama in her life is still her ex's fault. BULL-TWINKIE. She almost completely lost her nursing license because she started popping pills. Her kids are rotten because she never paid much attention to what they were doing--especially when popping her pills. And that revolving door of dick through her house with boyfriend du jour wasn't a good example either. No stability, no good example, and consistent example of blaming someone else for her problems, consistent example of drowning personal issues with crutches like pills, and best making no effort to discipline the kids when they needed it. No limits, no boundaries, and now she still loves to whine about how it's all her ex's fault.

But I'm not one of these women. I stepped up to the plate and no drug addiction, no adverse effect on my career, no boyfriend du jour--du week or du year.....nope. Raise my boys right, keep my career on track so I can afford the sky high grocery bill that the boys create and in fact, keep them in as good of the standard of living that they would've had if I were with someone else. I couldn't have done that with any of the self-destructive behaviors or even a normal social life. I made no effort to find anyone for almost a decade. Over seven years ago, I decided that they needed more than I wanted to find a man to share my life with. I don't regret the decision, but when the mouthy teenager in one of them comes up, ingrateful and unrealistic and just typical teenager, I hit that dreaded moment of "what if". What if I hadn't given up on finding someone new to share my life with, what if I would've kept looking--younger, better looking, more wide-eyed and bushy tailed....where would I be, where would the boys be, and then I snap back to reality, well, after a blog or a long conversation with a friend...I might still be single and have failed to make the best effort to raise them right. And voila, goodbye "what if", hello pounding headache as I step up to the plate to make sure that super smart, knows way more than I do, teenager gets deflated back to the real world where I'm still mom, I'm still the one that pays the bills, and if he wants a roof over his head, he'd better do as I ask....