obviously, we've all heard that marriage is hard work. the truth is that a good relationship is not as much work as it is rewarding. it's only truly "hard" when it's not good. it is work though, and most of us that are single can definately attest to the fact that sometimes the work is not as rewarding as walking away. i genuinely have listened and listened to all my friends that are happily married. they know what works. for one friend it started in fits and spurts and there were a lot of complications going in. another had a rough patch because her husband's best friend really monopolized too much of her husband's time, but made it through that and has a great relationship now. another had the fairy tale and it has just been right from the jump. another is a spoiled princess, but her husband is a spoiled king in return. but they can't tell you how they found it. nope. love just happens.
the stories of how they found love varies as much as we do as individuals. "one day you hate his guts and the next day you can't live without him" is how one of my girlfriends describes how she ended up with her husband. another says "it was love at first sight", and yet another says "he was and still is my best friend". i'll have to admit all of their stories are extremely romantic--ironically, even more romantic when you hear the men tell the stories (out of earshot of the guys, of course--it's a little known fact that men are probably more hopeful for "the one" than women are). still since how they found love seems so random, i can't imagine how any of us find it. it appears to be a needle in a haystack, and i'm certainly not able to deduce how to find it through their experiences.
so lately i've been listening more and more to my single friends, older, younger, same age trying to determine what makes us single. we all seem to have the same problem. we all would like to have someone--regardless of whether newly divorced (which i personally think anyone should wait a minimum of a year or two after a divorce is final to start thinking about a relationship with anyone--but as always, another blog) or whether we've been single for years and years (like me, *sigh*). the problem is not that we wouldn't like to have someone--the problem is "once bitten, twice shy". in most cases, we scare ourselves. we don't trust ourselves. we like someone too much and don't want to be disappointed when they don't reciprocate. we're afraid of how it feels to lose out. we're jumpy at the prospect that something might work. we're terrified at the prospect that it won't. we sabotage ourselves, because it's easier to disappoint yourself than it is to be disappointed by someone else. and well, love doesn't happen that way. it never comes. we put it off, because we'd rather be disappointed by the "fact" that we didn't make it work rather than be put in the position where it might get deeper and we have more invested.
not only that, consider that most of us really have put ourselves out there at least twice. twice bitten? thrice bitten? after being chomped on, each time the recovery to put ourselves back out on that ledge is more difficult. that ledge is where something spectacular could happen and take us away on the wings of something amazing or we could plummet to the depths of misery. climbing back up from each fall is that much further, that much more work, and that much more painful when we hit bottom. it's not easy. we don't like the fall, and we like it less and less each time we've taken the plunge and realized that we forgot a parachute. (really. wouldn't it be great if we could run down to wally world, purchase an emotional parachute and glide down when things went to h*ll in a hand basket?)
what happens without that imaginary parachute? panic. straight up panic. it doesn't matter how good it is. we're waiting for the punchline that makes us feel like we're in the spotlight with nowhere to hide. we all panic differently too. my one friend becomes stand-off-ish. she's going to need someone to really be patient and continue in his efforts. another friend, well, God love him, but he's needy as h*ll. he's going to need a woman that doesn't mind taking care of him--he really needs a mothering type (not sure that's healthy either, but again, another blog). me, well, yes, i do know my problem. i go in full throttle, but then i get bored. quick. and once i'm bored, i'm outta there. i scare the ones with any sense (at least that's the story i tell myself), and the ones that like the full throttle can't understand when i lose interest. no offense to some of the guys i've dated, but some of them just don't have much depth. i need someone who's got a lot of depth for me to maintain interest. honestly, i think that scares me the most--being "bored", in my case, aka. lonely and not actually alone.
not only that, add that the picking pool becomes severely dehydrated as we get older. there's not as much to choose from, and that can mean settling. (obviously, i'm incapable of settling.) most of us fear that also. what if we pick the wrong person? i'm not worried about that since i am little miss picky, but i do hear that from some of my friends. being lonely again overweighs the possiblity of being with another wrong person (yep, back to that whole once bitten thing). my closest and dearest friends always comment that i have dated some very good looking guys. honestly, good looking and with depth ten years ago--late 20s and early 30s--no problem..., but in a wading pool instead of a vast ocean...hahaha...can i get a witness? or a h*ll yeah!! odds are very slim. besides, one of my favorite dating stories of all time was when i dated the most attractive guy on NAS jax. OMG. he bugged my roommate (who was in his squadron) for months for her to fix us up (apparently i was really cute back then--go figure). i finally went out with him, and well, yes, he looked like he belonged on the cover of GQ. he was the finest looking guy i ever went out with, but he was dumb. and i don't mean dumb like acting stupid. i mean intellectually challenged. while shooting pool with him was fun, it was the only thing that we had in common, and he wasn't smart enough to talk about anything other than his job and the pool game. ok, i admit i do want to find someone attractive (to me, whatever that means), but not at the expense of being bored outta my goard. thanks, but no thanks. so when my friends express fears about finding the wrong person, or ending up with the wrong person, well, i'm pretty sure we all feel that pain.
then of course, add that each of us has our quirk. every so often, i wonder, what if i don't find one that can be intellectually challenging enough? hmmm. add to that intellectually challenging people (including me) are usually the people that find it the most difficult to bond. like i stated earlier, i come on strong--wisked away in a moment, and then fizzle if there's not much there to sustain it. i listen to my friends and each of them has their own quirk--something that they have to have to be happy. one is looking for flowers--really. she just wants someone that will leave her little notes, send her flowers for no apparent reason, and just give her a little brightness in her life. one guy i know just wants someone to listen to him gripe (ok, that would suck, but he's my friend). again, in the wading pool, coupled with our own fears, and add the one ingredient that we need to be happy. i joke that i'd be much happier if all i needed was money. if a guy was a wallet, well, that would greatly increase my chances of finding someone. but like my friends, my quirk makes it just as difficult as the rest. (do you think i would offend guys if i required them to take an IQ test? i'd pay for it. :D )
ah well, my point is that there's no telling how love happens until it does. and there's no predicting it, no magic number. but no way to find love if we're not open to it. it really is kinda like hitting the lottery, and we can't win if we don't play.
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