thinking outloud...

so i'm just thinking outloud here. people tell me all the time not to look for love. hahaha. those that know me really well know i don't. i avoid. but time for me to be very honest with myself. i typically date guys that i'm not really interested in. i know, right? it's a defense mechanism to avoid having to date someone that makes me feel stripped down to the core. simple. it's easy to cuss someone out that you don't like and storm out the door never looking back. it's far more difficult to look at someone that you actually care for and watch the relationship crash and burn like the hindenburg.

the first time in years that i've actually tried to date anyone that i really liked was very recently. i couldn't hold it together. i was in panic mode. i was completely freaking out and i can't stand being that way. the easiest thing is just to stay away from anyone that i actually might like. problem is, well, i actually do need someone. funny right? people tell me all the time that i don't "need" a man. i don't need a man financially. i don't want one. life is way simpler without someone to answer to. but, i do recognize that the healthiest i've been was with someone (we all know who). it's probably why i miss that relationship in so many ways. the best parts of any relationship are the things that come from trusting that person always has your back, sings your praises, holds you when the world is crashing in around you, and doesn't judge that you're not perfect. in fact, there's a lot of comfort in having someone believe that even your flaws are perfection. there's a LOT to be said for knowing that you can count on someone and that they can count on you.

i sleep better when i'm with someone, but i sleep like crap if i don't trust the person. out the window with ever slutting around. i like to say it's because i've got my little white high horse, but that really isn't it. i can start to panic if i don't feel safe. it's ridiculous. i've hibernated and used the best avoidance tactics known to man--making excuses that i can't be in a relationship because of my kids, my job, my dog, my imaginary unicorn (ok, i made that one up...hahaha. sorry, back on point). but honestly, i feel safe in someone's arms with their breathe on my neck when it's someone i believe in. of course, there's the catch right? believing in someone is pretty difficult.

i'm a logical thinker and i can calm myself in most circumstances. not dating. only safe, honest, open, straight-forward communication helps. i can't logic my way through it. i can't logic why just being held can make the panic go away. emotions aren't logical. that much i am sure of. how do i know what helps? well, because i've had it. that one relationship was honest, open, straight-forward, and i was safe. not because he wasn't someone that i wouldn't normally date, but because he was. i felt safe and i felt loved. losing that was misery. ironically, that loss also adds to the panic. vicious f*n circle. logic is probably my best asset, except in this case. i think logic has kept me single since and made it worse. nice. logically if you can't handle a situation, don't put yourself in it, but then how do you ever fill the need to have someone to share your life with. (i know you were wondering how the hell my logic could make it worse right?)

so i couldn't logic myself calm for this person. i wanted to have straight-forward, honest, open communication for 10 minutes (ok, in girl minutes, so more like 30). i know it works, because i had it before. i also know nothing less will do. i can give a man all the space he needs, i'm not "needy" in that sense. but i need security--for various reasons that we won't bother with here. i need security--honest, open, straight-forward communication--with someone that i can respect, adore and admire, flaws and all. it would be so much easier if all i needed was money.