define: friend

I'm always amazed at how quickly some people define "friend".  I guess lately I've been looking pretty hard at the word again.  I've got friends at work.  I've got friends that I've made since I've been in Kansas, and I've had friends for years and years that are scattered around the country and one or two that are on different sides of the planet now.  I'm supposing that most people trivialize the word now.  I mean look at some people's Facebook "friends".  No way in hell anyone has 2000+ friends.  Acquaintances, perhaps, but even then, I'm guessing that most of them couldn't pick out most of their "friends" in a line up.  I'd like to think that my friends, even the ones on Facebook, are people that I know and have some amount of respect for. 

So what makes a friend?  Certainly it's not the amount of time.  I have a couple of friends that I've been friends with for a little over a decade.  They are far closer to me than a couple of friends that I still have from high school and college (ok, the first time I went to college).  Common ground?  I have common ground of some sort with most of my friends.  I have a friend at work that I doubt seriously that I'd ever talk with him again if he or I changed jobs.  Not that that's a good thing or a bad thing, just an observation.  Truly our only common ground is work.  But I have another friend from work that I don't have much in common with, but I will probably be friends with him regardless of whether we work at the same place or not.  So, it may be common ground in some cases, and it may not be in others.  Spark?  Past lives?  I mean, come on.  I know some people don't believe in past lives (atheists, for example), but haven't you met someone and had that feeling like you've known them before or forever?  I have--sometimes good feeling, sometimes not.  Honestly, I have several friends that fall into that category.  My best friends (yes, plural) are generally people that I feel like I've known forever as soon as I meet them, and ironically, they have proved themselves to be not just good friends, but great friends.  Sex?  No perves.  Male or female.  I've met a lot of people that say, "Men and women can't be friends.  There's no such thing."  That's crap.  For some people, the more shallow people in my humble opinion, can't have friends of the opposite sex.  However, if you can't have friends of the opposite sex, how could you ever find the person that is supposed to be your "best friend"?  Are all those shallow people just latent homosexuals looking for their best friend to really be of the same sex and their opposite sex spouse to be for entertainment purposes only?  Ok, honestly, yes, I've met some of these types too, and again, I'll say what shallow people I've found most of them to be.  And, yes, I've even had friends like this.  Generally, I only consider them friends as far as shooting pool, playing poker, drinking beer, and arguing over football or hockey.  However, I'd argue that healthier people have friends of both sexes, and thus are capable of having a fantastic relationship with someone because of it.  I'm saddened sometimes to find out that one of my guy friends attended a friend's wedding only to admit he had a big crush on her for eons or vice versa--a female attending one of her male friend's weddings.  They've made movies about this stuff.  Yes, sometimes, you're in the "friend zone" because you're a great friend, but you're just never going to be the "best friend".  Although the factors that play into who's a friend, or not, may be simple and shallow for some of us, I prefer to believe that most of us are not so simple and shallow and friendship takes a deeper consideration.  (Yes, I realize I may live in my own little rose colored bubble.)

I think a lot of us, just by the sheer previous paragraph, probably have a hard time defining the word "friend" when we really think about it.  Kinda like one of those, "I'll know it when I see it" type things.  But I'm sure most of us are not in a shortage of knowledge when it comes to what a "friend" isn't.  A friend isn't someone who stabs you in the back.  That's a no brainer.  A friend isn't someone who gossips about you--by gossip, I mean malicious intent--oh, right stabbing you in the back probably covers that.  A friend isn't someone who tells your secrets.  A friend is there to help you when you need it.  A friend is not going to kick you when you're down.  A friend isn't jealous of you or trying to tear you down.  A friend doesn't always agree with you, but actually appreciates your opinion.  A friend doesn't take sides against you, although they might tell you that you're wrong.  A friend doesn't stop being your friend because the masses are against you.  A friend stands beside you, through thick,  thin, and everything in between.  I half suspect that's why there are so many divorces.  We expect the person we marry to be our best friend (well, a lot of us do anyway), but if they aren't there to support us, betray us, lie to us, if we feel like we aren't really part of their lives, then what are we doing there?  Divorce is the option to end a contractual friendship.  The rest of our friendships that prove unworthy are easier to walk away from.

My friends are people that I can trust.  Like I stated in an earlier example, I have 2 friends at work that I contrast as stating one I would most likely not be friends with once I left work.  He's not someone that I have any common interests with outside of work.  He's a nice person, and I believe he would probably be a good friend.  However, I just don't really see it.  I've had quite a few of these.  I work with mostly men, and a lot of men are not really good at friendships with women.  He's one of those guys.  Surprisingly I find that the younger generations don't seem to have near the hang-ups of the older generations on this point.  Kudos to them, and to us for raising them right even if we seem to not be able to overcome our own hang-ups.  Trust becomes paramount in a friendship, regardless of who we are, and particularly with friends of the opposite sex.  There seem to be more boundaries with friends of the opposite sex--although in truth, the only real boundary is if one of the friends becomes more interested than just friendship and the other doesn't.  Otherwise, there's really the same expectations and the same result as same sex friendships.  Someone that you trust you can confide in, that you can share a laugh with, and that you have something to talk about with.  Well, in all honesty, we can do almost all of that with complete strangers and have a ball--sometimes even a better time than with our friends.   So then, the only true difference between a friend and an acquaintance comes down to one thing:  trust.  Trust defines a friend.  Lack thereof, well, that falls into a slew of other ranges now, doesn't it? 

The question we can ask ourselves:  Are we capable of being friends?  I know a lot of people that are.  I'm proud to say that I know and am great friends with so many that are.  I'm also saddened to say that I know so many that aren't.  Friends and friendship isn't about covering your *ss.  Friends and friendship is about being there for someone else, and there are far too many people in this world that don't get it.  I feel sorry for them, but it's who we are when we look in the mirror that counts.  I suspect they don't like what they see, but continue to be who they are regardless.  Like one of my favorite lines from a Nirvana song:  "All we are is all we know."  Generally people like that are, as a good friend of mine said last night, "out for themselves".  They don't know what friendship is, they're incapable of true friendship, and they choose to deprive themselves.  They don't earn trust, and they certainly can't trust anyone else if they know they themselves are not trustworthy.     

Friendship is a gift that someone else bestows upon us.  It's based on any number of little trivial things, or can be, but the fundamental thing that makes a friend is trust.  If someone bestows that on us, and we trivialize it, as some people do, it's no wonder that someone loses a friend.  Believing in ourselves is important.  Being able to believe in others is priceless.  And that, my friends, acquaintances and others, only comes from friendship.