Several years ago one of my best (male) friends used to introduce me as "everything a man would be if a man was a woman." It always seemed to get an "aha" response. Even the guys I grew up started using the saying when introducing me after I told one of them. Still, I didn't quite understand the way almost every guy that was told this would get this light bulb going off look. I mean, yes, I love football and hockey. I used to be totally obsessive over cars, might still be over some. Love motorcycles, shooting pool, joined the navy, and well, of course, love my beer. I can talk sport statistics, and even though I don't like basketball, I feel it completely necessary to watch the Sweet Sixteen. Yes, kinda guy-ish. But, that really didn't explain it for me. Really. I mean I'm a bit of a girly girl too. I love cute shoes and Coach purses. So why did this seem to explain me in a nutshell? Well about five years ago, I finally asked one of my oldest friends what he thought. His response was that I carried myself with the confidence of a man. Huh? The most confident woman generally is still only slightly more confident than the least confident man, he explained. I, according to him, carry myself with the confidence of the top 30% of men. Over the last 5 years, I've given this a lot of thought and I've watched men and women gauging this explanation and formulating my own thoughts about it. For one, yes, I do tend to exude the same amount confidence that most men do. Yes, probably 98% of the women don't. But I've made another observation in conjunction. Men may be confident intellectually, but women are more confident emotionally. For men, even the most confident man I've met, lack emotional confidence.
First, what do I mean by emotional confidence? Confidence, as most of us think of it, is that ability to believe in oneself and portray that to others. However, I'd argue that confidence in one's ability, one's general being, at work, in achieving, et cetera is one thing. Emotional confidence allows us to be free to let ourselves be who we are in front of others. Women typically have more emotional confidence. We share our feelings pretty freely. We even often will share them with complete strangers. We are more willing to move on after a divorce or a break up. In fact, statistics show that women are more likely to get over a divorce than men--even when men initiate the divorce. The emotional confidence that is needed to tell ourselves, and more importantly convince ourselves, that everything will be alright seems to be more abundant in women. Why? Well, maybe it's because it also allows us to be vicious emotionally. Women fight with emotion and often cut very deep. One of the reasons that women can be very stand-off-ish to each other may be the primary reason that we are more emotionally confident. We have to be from a young age.
But consider men. Back in the day, I shared an apartment with my cousin, Rick. Rick was a really attractive guy, and yet, I watched him flounder for four months trying to build up the courage to ask out some girl. Rick had girls floundering all over him, following him around like puppy dogs, could've had "the pick of the litter" as my Grams used to say. Yet, he froze like a popsicle whenever this girl was around. I found it hysterical. Still do. A few months back I received a text message from a guy that used to work where I work telling me that he had a crush on me and had picked up my business card before he had left the company. Just wanted to tell me. Didn't live anywhere near me anymore, but finally had worked up the courage to tell me in a text message. Yes, courage. It took 1000 miles and no possibility of rejection for him to even text it. I have another friend in a miserable marriage but his main concern is if he were to get divorced: who would want him? This is a confident, attractive, successful man. Seriously. And his concern is who would want him. My ex-husband spent months hanging out with my friends and me. He was, as far as I was concerned, one of my best friends--nothing more. Never occurred to me that he had a crush on me until the boyfriend I had went into a tizzy one night (another blog perhaps). Funnier, and to my point, my ex still didn't tell me that he had a crush on me. Amazing we ever got together. Oh right, and further to my point, thanks to that ex-boyfriend I ended up eventually asking my ex if he was interested. To my surprise, he was. Men are confident enough when asked--generally, but emotionally putting themselves out there to be shot down? It's not something any of them are leaping all over themselves to do.
Furthermore, I've watched a lot of men give up on things that are important to them for emotional blackmail. Think about it. How many guys do you know that give up hanging out with their friends, watching sports, or even having a beer because the woman they love tells them to? Women tend to give up things when we're younger and even mould ourselves somewhat to the men we choose to be with--liking sports or teams, foods, or whatever, that our men like. Sometimes we're full of sh*t--thus, where the stereotype that women change comes from. The women didn't change; they just got tired of pretending. Men on the other hand, once they are involved--attached emotionally--it's extremely hard for them to lose that bond. They will go to great lengths to keep that bond. The fear of losing an emotional bond for them can be devastating. In fact, the fear of losing an emotional bond actually can prevent them from even starting one in the first place. I have a friend who when someone assumed he was the husband of his girlfriend he disappeared on her. An example of the sterotype that men don't want to be tied down? No, they're married now. For men, admitting that they even have developed an emotional bond can be difficult. Women take emotional bonds for granted; in fact in some cases, we can go from one to the next quite frivolously. I remember an episode of Home Improvement where Tim finds Jill's diary from college and reads where she's talking about the guy she just met that she thinks she's going to marry. Tim assumes it was him, but turns out it was some other guy that she only went out with a couple of times. Truth is that is us, women. But men, well, that bond just doesn't turn itself on and off like it does with us.
Men never give up their oldest and closest friends generally. Giving up their buddies over a spat seems ridiculous to them, but they often won't give up friends that are toxic to their happiness. Does that make sense? Of course not, but giving up bonds is not something men like to do, because it takes them time to develop those bonds. So once they have developed those bonds, they're invested, and it's difficult to give up. Women, on the other hand, can have friends for decades that they will never speak to again because of some minor tiff. There's not a woman reading this that can't think of an example right off the top of her head.
Yes, men are more confident than women. And in general, far more confident than women. But emotionally, women are in the lead. Emotionally, women are more confident and free. It can be argued that it's nature. It can be argued that it's how we are raised. Not sure about that, nor do I think it's relevant. Can men be more emotionally confident? Some are more than others, but something tells me that emotional confidence like confidence might be something that you have or your don't. So, men may not be equipped to take a lashing the way some women assume. Not sure I'm right, just my observations turned into a hypothesis. Maybe I'll be able to call it a theory in a few more years.
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