Recently, I had a conversation about former relationships. Basic gist: People that have dated and stayed friends are not "normal", and the only way it is if there was no "passion" in the relationship. Otherwise, nope, supposedly, not possible. Well, that makes me an oddity then, because I've remained friends with quite a few of the people that I've gone a few dates with and a handful that I've dated for months or even longer. I personally find it ridiculous that most people can't remain cordial let alone friends. I've even remained very good friends with a couple of guys I've dated. My friend's counselor supposedly even went so far as to say it isn't healthy. Really? I've had to mull this over. The counselor told my friend that it would be ok if the people that had been dating had "no passion"'; otherwise, it would be impossible. It's not the advice I would give, and I've been in counseling before and I know it is not the advice that she would've given me. OK...so let's talk about this, because frankly, it has annoyed me to no end.
Of course the first thing I do, is run it by some friends. Quite a few of my closest friends agree with me. It's ludicrious to think that two grown adults, mature and healthy, couldn't remain cordial or even friends. Teenagers usually have very dramaed up break-ups and often find it difficult to remain friends, but wait. I'm still friends with the guy I dated in high school. Not like besties or anything, but we comment on each other's Facebooks on occasion and when I'm in town, we might end up having a beer at a local hangout because we share a lot of common friends. He's been happily married for years...I think even just had his 25th? Regardless, why in the heck would it matter if we are friends or not? I know I have some very fond memories of us back in the day, but we were kids. Everyone knows puppy love comes with an expiration date. In fact, out of my closest friends, I know of three besides myself that are still really good friends with their former high school sweethearts and two have been happily married to other men for more than a decade. Maybe we are the oddities in a world that views everything as throw-away.
Everything is becoming throw-away anymore--including people. So I thought, 'what would make someone throw-away to me?' One of my best friends, Mary, pointed out that I've got a heart of gold and let people off the hook for their transgressions, particularly ones that I've dated. I just don't see the point in holding a grudge and I certainly don't see the point in tossing people out because they don't fit every little requirement I may or may not have. I have a friend that after I spend about 2 hours with her I am ready to walk away. We've been friends for years. If I met her now, I'd probably be friends with her, but we'd probably never reach the point of good friends that we are. She's a bit shallow, self-absorbed, and frankly, not always a good friend. She can be though. I've watched her come through in a pinch for me and for a couple of her other friends, so not really all bad. Like anyone else, she has her positives and her negatives. I don't want to live with her negatives, but I don't have to. Her positives make up for the negatives, and if she gets really annoying when we're out doing something, I can go home. It's different in a relationship. You have to eventually be able to live with the person--who they are, both good and bad, annoying or not. I've got a couple of good friends that I dated in the past. One, well, he passed away recently. The blog dedicated to him explains why he wasn't good for me. "One rotten apple can spoil the barrel," my Grams would say. Well, yes, but it also depends on the barrel. If the barrel is a monogomous, life long committed relationship, a guy with a drinking problem isn't the best choice. If the barrel is someone who came into your life and made it brighter, although not someone who could make it brighter all the time, well, that's what most of our friends are. They have imperfections; we have imperfections. Often we accept our friends at face value. Sometimes, we don't accept the people that we date at face value, and I think that's a shame. Sometimes, the people we've dated make the better friends. They know who we are without expecting anything, because we already know that didn't work.
I'm not saying that being friends with someone that I've dated has been all easy, but in general, I've had more problems with guys that have been my "friends" only to try and date me than I have with the guys I've dated that ended up being friends. Usually overcoming the fact that it didn't work is a hurdle that takes a little time to jump over. Some people refuse to jump over it, like a mule refusing to cross a ditch. The more you try to get them there, the muddier you end up. In those cases, I tell myself to cut them loose. Friendship shouldn't be that much effort. But, truly, it's usually the guys pretending to be my friends that have been the most frustrating. I always know who they are when I start dating someone new. They get stand-off-ish, pouty and start intentionally standing up plans that we make. Often they forget that I am part of the group, and that football game we were all going to watch is now the football game that the rest of the group is going to watch without me. I know, I have female friends that get all pouty sometimes if I have a new man too, but guess what the major difference is with them and my "real" guy friends? They don't make me feel guilty unless I actually blow them off. They still make plans with me; they still want to hang out. So yes, having friends of the opposite sex can actually be a hassle whether you've dated them or not. But my female friends can be too, so toe-mae-toe, toe-mah-toe.
Not that I'm friends with everyone that I've ever dated. A couple of dinner dates, nothing in common, and poof, lost their phone number and quit answering their calls. The ones that were a little more, some of them not really friends with, well, because you discover there's really nothing there--no common ground for a friendship, let alone a relationship. But I think a lot of people make relationships a constant drama. They're not happy unless nobody is happy. I've dated a couple like that. It was so much work just trying to be friends with them that it wasn't worth the time, frustration or aggrevation. Of course, I'm still polite-ish if I see them. I'll say hello, exchange a couple of niceties and go on my merry little way. Perhaps that counselor thinks that everyone is like this. Every relationship that doesn't work long term is time draining, frustrating, aggrevating and should be tossed out with the trash. Of course, if the person cheated, stole from you, treated you like a doormat, well, it's a given that they were not worth the time, frustration or aggrevation. I've watched women hit on men with rings on or that is with another woman, I've watched how aggrevated the women can get by their men acting like dogs--I've even been one of those women ready to jerk a choke chain on the cheating dog. But I've got an Alex-ism for you: "If you can take him, you can have him, because he isn't worth having." I'm not friends with guys that have put me in that awkward position, and in some cases I'd rather jerk my own teeth out with a pair of needle nose pliers with ginsu knife edges than even say hello to one of them. Some people aren't worth the effort, ever.
Still there are those that are worth the effort as friends. There are those times though that something didn't work out, and even though the effort would be worth it, the way it didn't work out just makes it too painful to be friends. I've had one of those. I'll just be thankful it was only one. You've got nothing bad to say about them, you still wish them well, but you can't bring yourself to be a mature adult about it. Again, I've had one. I just can't bring myself to be a mature adult about it. I've had a couple of emotionally and one physically abusive relationships. Time heals all wounds? Yes, I can be nice and polite to all of them as needed. But that one that some people would call the "one that got away". Nope. Don't want to cross that bridge, dread the bridge because I couldn't act like a mature adult when it crashed and burned. Not sure that I could now. Still, even though the counselor's advice to my friend might sound viable in the one instance, it just doesn't seem to apply in any of the other situations. It just sounds like a teenager trying to tell me how black and white a relationship is. Friendships aren't black and white; why the hell would relationships be?
Someone told me once that staying friends with someone you've dated shows several things about you: One, you've matured into an adult. An adult understands and accepts that everyone has limitations and limits and that standard of met limitations and limits is far lower for a friendship than a relationship. Two, it shows that you're capable of caring without getting vengeful. A lot of people become vengeful when they've broken up with someone. Vengeful behavior ends any possibility of maintaining a friendship even within friendships let alone after a relationship. People that are vengeful have no way of mending the bridges. Three, it gives you hope. Not hope that you can be with the person you broke it off with or that broke it off with you, but hope in the human race. Granted, friendship after a broken relationship takes time. It doesn't go from broken to healed overnight and sometimes distance or time away is good. But as society has become so petty and convoluted, it may have taken the one thing that we all need to remember. The world may be full of people, but it's a very small place in reality. Life long relationships start as a small spark and grow. If at some point they end (without cheating, abuse, et cetera), then there was a reason that person was part of your life and you might not want to lose that part even though you found a part that you couldn't make a long term commitment to.
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