Raising boys over the years has been a bit of a challenge. I never imagined it was because they were boys though. It was simpler than that. Single mother and three children. As anyone can attest to, having one is a big change, two seems like a piece of cake and for some reason adding a third can seriously change the balance. Of course, we all know that I was raised with the concept that I could do anything a boy could do and well, that included raising responsible young men. My oldest, as every oldest does, got a bit of the short end of the stick because every child rearing mistake was always on him. Of course, he also got the long end of the stick too. There are more pictures of him than my younger boys. Lots more. People always wanted to give me advice on how to raise them. Some good. Some not so good. A lot of people always want to give you advice on this or that. And having boys, well, I've noticed that some men give the worst advice. Don't get me wrong, but egocentricity tends to play a big part in giving bad advice whether it's coming from a man or a woman. But men tend to keep their opinions to themselves more than women. So generally when one is insisting on giving advice it can be a complete disaster to listen to.
My favorite worst advice I ever heard from a man was that idiot that used to have the dating guru show. You might remember him from the 90s. A goofy velvet top hat in purple who taught classes on how to pick up women, then turned it into a show on some cable network. His famous line was something along the lines of "treat a lady like a whore and a whore like a lady". I think quite a few men bought into this back then and a good portion of them just can't understand why they constantly end up with skeezy women. Well, here's the real advice guys. Treat a whore like a lady and she will still be a whore, but she'll come back over and over to suck you dry eventually of anything and everything you have. A lady will get fed up being treated like a whore and move on, leaving you in a lurch wondering why she bothered. Worst advice ever. In comparison, I told my boys a simple one liner. "I don't care who you date, white, black, purple or green or any shade in between, but you bring home any trash and I will throw it out." No matter how hard you try, you will never turn a whore into a lady. There's even a song to that effect. I've seen wonderful ladies get ragged from being mistreated and not be so lady-like. But a good woman will always revert back to being a good woman.
My ex-husband used to have this song he liked to ramble on to. "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife." Ok. Seriously, this probably really applies to a lot of men, but not so much to women. Any guy will tell you, and I've observed it to be true, good looking men can get lots and lots of whores. There are just a lot more opportunities for a good looking man and for some reason that makes being with a good looking man more risky. But women, we are really on the opposite spectrum. Of the women I know that are horribly whore-ish, they're all dogs and not just physically unappetizing but ugly to the bone. Weight has nothing to do with it. Personality is fake. They'll run around and stalk your new girlfriend's Facebook page waiting to call you the minute your girlfriend takes your picture down. They'll pretend to be your friend. Can men and women be friends? Yes, of course. But that friendship is under a true respect for each other. Since whores don't actually respect themselves, they are definitely not respecting you. I've told my boys cover it up, because you'll never know what you've gotten with unless she's a stripper. Odds are really good then that she's been way around the block.
Besides that we kind of are ingrained by society to be with someone that is equal in appearance. There was a fascinating study I saw about 5 years ago. The men and women in the study couldn't see each other, but each were numbered with 1 to 10. They were told to find the person that they thought they would be interested in dating. The twenty wandered talking and even though they had no idea what each other actually looked like, the 10 ended up with the 10. The 9 with the 9. The 8 with the 8. Yes, all the way down to 1. We might have no clue how we look but we still end up with someone that other markers tell us who we should be with. Yes, it's not just looks. It's our own perception of ourselves from others and then our own perception based on that helps us choose who we would or would not prospectively be with.
My oldest son is a chicky wicky magnet. He's way too intelligent for a chicky wicky and over the years I've told him to find a smart girl, one smart enough that he can have conversations with. Nothing sucks more than talking with someone day in, day out that hasn't got the same intellectual level. Don't get me wrong. In spurts, a date here or there. Four hours to 12 hours a week. Sure. But 14 to 24 hours a day? No one can be around someone all the time like that unless they have the ability to converse. The trick is to find someone on the same level as you, I've told him. It is a trick, right? I mean I met an utterly amazing looking man that was so dumb I was pretty sure he had to get his driver's license out to spell his name. I'd have been bored stiff with someone like that. Don't get me wrong. A chicky wicky shouldn't want my son either. He'd annoy her with his over-intellect. Heck, he annoys me sometime with it. Smart aleck meets a high IQ that is a sponge for information who is independent enough to form his own opinion. Really I have no idea where he gets it from...(yea, ok, bull). I raised him to respect a woman's opinion, so a woman who is just going to agree with him all the time and not form her own opinion is going to drive him nuts. Look for who meets your mind.
Of course, my advice over the years has been based on the fact my Granddaddy, two of my uncles and my Daddy all told me I was equal to a boy and some of my best friends have been guys. While this has not benefited me relationship-wise over the years, I think God thought it would benefit my boys and eventually whoever they're in relationships with. One of my less favorite aunts told me once that God didn't give me a girl because the world wasn't ready for a girl raised by me. In hindsight, she's right that God didn't give me a girl for a reason. She was just way off base why. Men instill confidence in their daughters. Women instill respect in their sons. Men will always mimic their male role models, so it's their mothers make them into someone lovable. Women will always instill the sugar and the spice that makes girls women. But the confidence of a woman to stand equal, well, speaking from experience, when a man has tried to put me in my "place", it isn't my mother's or grandmothers' voices that I hear. I hear my Granddaddy, "don't ever take that from a man or anyone for that matter. Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself." So why did God give me boys? Because we've forgotten to teach our sons to respect. As we've taught our daughters to stand up for themselves, we forgot the boys need to learn valuable softening lessons. My boys were raised old school--not treat a lady like a whore and a whore like a lady. Open the door, pull out her chair, pay. A lady doesn't go dutch and trust me when my youngest went out with his girlfriend, he paid...well, I paid. I didn't have a girl because I couldn't teach her anything as valuable. I could teach her to be a lady, but the world is still full of ladies. The world is starting to fall short of gentlemen.
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