Over the years, I've noticed that some people will lie about the most mundane things. Not that it's my business or anyone else's business if someone wants to maintain their privacy. If it's not hurting anyone, the privacy one keeps should be defined by them. Not everyone compartmentalizes like I do. I simply only allow what I feel comfortable with out. I'll tell you all kinds of things about myself that seem like I'm an open book. Yet, those that know me really well know that there is a lot of stuff I hold back. When I had surgery, I didn't really tell anyone. Not even my boys. I just don't like the idea of worrying a lot of people. I didn't tell anyone that knew about it too much either. I honestly preferred not to think about it too much. What little I did tell was usually minimizing it because I preferred to think of it as small rather than large. Still, even if I thought it was none of someone's business, aka. I didn't think my business is any of their business, I was as gracious as could be and gave a generic answer that was still truthful.
When someone lies, if it's not hurting anyone, then it is arguably acceptable. I'm not a proponent of this argument. If someone lies, they are still lying and most probably in a black and white world, liars. Don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating lying about anything. Personally, I think telling someone to mind their own business is far more effective in getting someone to mind their own business. While they might bitch that you were rude to them, the truth is they will never ask you again. You will not have to answer their prying questions where you didn't want them going in the first place. However, not everyone has enough self confidence to tell another person to mind their own business. I had a friend once say she didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by telling them it was none of their business. That was about 20 years ago. Now, if it's none of their business, she'll tell them quite readily. It's probably a female thing to some degree. Men don't talk about "uncomfortable" things normally, and they don't generally ask other men about how they are feeling. Men generally allow other men to "share" only at their own comfort level. Women, though, have a tendency to be a little more nosey and thereby create the "need" (let's call it that) to lie. At that point, it's kind of like the proverbial chicken and egg. Who initiated the lie? The person who kept asking more than the other person wanted to share or the person who just gave an answer that they thought would be easier than saying "mind your own business"? While I'll admit over the years, "mind your own business" hasn't always made me a favorite of the busy bodies; it has definitely spared me having to be their "best buddy". Busy bodies always want to know someone else's business. The less they know the better. But from my humble observations, the people that lie and just give answers to provide answers, while being politer, end up with the busy body gossiping about them behind their back, wittingly and unwittingly spreading inaccuracies, and of course, coming back for more and more. I'm not advocating my way of just telling them it's not their business. They'll barely talk to me. Not a bad thing though from my point of view. Saves a lot of wasted breath. If you want to lie to those types, don't complain that they come back and bug you for more information. That's what they're going to do, and by lying to appease them, you simply feed them and they're need to be where they are not wanted.
Compartmentalizing is something a lot of people do. Mostly men. Men have many faces that they let show depending upon the situation. If you're a woman, watch them if you don't believe me. Men are different with their group of friends, with the people they work with, with people they like and don't like, with family and with you. It would seem very incongruent, but since most men are this way, we simply dub it as being male. Women used to be told that we were to portray the same person all the time. The forced congeniality forced women to make concessions on how we approach each other and the world. It also put us in the position where some felt like they had to be nice at all costs--they make movies like "Mean Girls" because to some degree we are groomed to stab the crap out of each other all while smiling to each other's faces. Generally, men don't bother with this. There is a rigidity when men don't like each other but have to interact. It's not that they like everyone of the guys they know. It's that they will just shrug it off without bothering to say anything. Often, women that hate each other appear to be the best of friends even when everyone in the room knows they can't stand each other. There's a clear separation for men of friends and acquaintances although these look the same in some situations. Men do not spur an acquaintance as long as there is no reason to do so. Women can be cold and callous to an acquaintance because we tend to be leary of anyone who has not proven themselves. Why? Because we often tell too much about ourselves because we feel the need to respond to someone who we genuinely feel it's not their business but we provide answers anyway. The natural reflex then is to be on guard whenever anyone new surfaces. Men, the majority anyway, have this one right. Don't share your business with anyone unless you're comfortable with it. They shouldn't be asking unless you're sharing in the first place, and there's no reason to lie to them or share if you don't want to. Tell them you'd rather not talk about it. Voila. It may seem rude, but in reality it's rude that anyone should cross boundaries that they do not share that comradary with you. Telling them to mind their own business in a nice way is not rude just because you're a woman. It's not rude if you're a man. It's reminding someone to respect your boundaries. It is defining those compartments of who you share what with. It's your life and no one should cross those boundaries without your approval. You shouldn't have to lie because they don't respect boundaries.
Frankly, those people that don't respect boundaries tend to be the most annoying of all. I used to have a friend that would say she was "fine" and then be upset behind your back that you weren't more worried about her. Oh for God's sake, say what you mean and mean what you say. If someone asks you how you are doing, you lie because you don't want them in your business, then you give the same answer to your friends. How are your friends supposed to know the difference? The problem with this woman was everything was a lie most of the time. Manipulation. She didn't want even her own friends to be friends. Control. Amazingly, she thought she was super smart, a well rounded smart. Her lies though once your got to know her, even if you didn't know her if you were intelligent enough to recognize it, were extremely transparent. This same woman accused me of being a liar, once. It was quite humorous, because guys that I had known for some amount of time, put her in her place. As anyone that knows me even fairly well will tell you, I might be too honest sometimes. I've been working on that. I don't see honesty as a bad thing, and too honest is pretty much a compliment. However, some people are not worth the breath that you would waste calling them on their bullsh*t. Not that men cannot be liars. But men tend to be simpler about what they lie about. Women, prestige and money. They will lie about having any of those three and they will lie to get those three if they happen to be the type to lie in the first place. That's it. Prestige can be power and control. Some will backstab a coworker if it means saving their own neck or a promotion. Some will lie about women that spurned them or how many women they've had. They'll pretend to have more money than they actually have. But in general, the men that are liars tend to lie about things that are related to those 3 things and the rest of the men have little to no respect for them. Yet, they'll be polite--not nice, but polite. People that will lie about other people's boundaries, ie. a man who lies about how many women he's slept with, has no boundaries themselves--or very, very little. Boundaries are what set us apart from animals. We don't need a fence to keep us from chasing cars or to be fixed in order to not act like a Tom Cat going after any female cat in heat. We set our boundaries for ourselves, and in many cases, have only ourselves to blame when other people cross them.
Don't get me wrong. The boundaries we set should not keep people out. Talking about ourselves is how we emotionally connect ourselves to others, but there are golden rules that really help us to connect with others. One is open up to people where we can. Honest, straight forward, truth. I had a friend who after her mother died complained they had never been that close. Over the years, she would lament that they didn't have a "close" relationship. Of course, she lied to her mother regularly. Lying to someone creates distance. It's one more thing that each time we lie that we are hiding about ourselves. I had a friend that was gay when I was in college. At family holidays, I was often his "date". His father was completely adverse to homosexuality. Eventually, he told his family and had no contact with his parents and siblings for decades. Yet, he admitted that he felt a huge weight lifted off of him and he became more accepting of his father. It didn't matter that it wasn't returned. What mattered was his mind was clear. He had been honest regardless of the consequences. "The truth shall set you free." It was that way with my friend who's mother died. Her biggest lament eventually was that it was too late to just tell her mother the truth. She'll never know now how her mother would have reacted to the truths that she hid, but she will also never part with that weight. There's part of it she carries with her to this day. Honesty may not get the result we want. But carrying a weight on ourselves without trusting others is crushing. Which brings me to two. Often we lie to others because we want others to accept us. We are dishonest with ourselves. Looking at the mirror every day and pretending who we are or aren't isn't changing who we actually are or aren't. I'm sure that Caitlyn Jenner felt that way for over 50 years, but most of us aren't lying to such an extremity. I don't know if most people think about it, but often the lies that we tell ourselves are the worst of all. Finally, the only other thing that I can advise is listen. I've noticed that because I can talk a lot some people assume that means I'm not listening. Yet, when I'm silent and listening they don't notice. I used to assume that was because of my strong voice--it resonates and carries. Then I started to notice how often people would say to me that they couldn't remember telling me something or even that I remembered them telling me. Of course, I remember. If someone opens up to you with honesty, they may only be thinking of you as a sounding board, but that gift, even from a complete stranger, is priceless. There aren't many people that a lot of people are honest with. I seem to always get the most honest deep felt words that people share about themselves. But it took me a long time to realize why. I don't repeat what they tell me. That's the final golden word. Even when someone shares with you, it doesn't mean it is yours to share. It means be appreciative that they shared a piece of themselves with you at all. I know people that always share with me because they know I'm not sharing with someone else. While some of them, I could do without because the 4 golden rules that I express here are not their rules. They will gossip about anything I would share with them, but what they tell me is theirs not mine, even though they would not respect the same boundary. Honest expression is a gift in both directions. While it may be a little frustrating at times to realize those that share with you are not those that you should share with, appreciate when someone is honest. It's a breath of very fresh air in world muddied with more lies, mostly lies. When's the last time you believed anything a politician said?
The world is full of dishonesty. It's almost become a completely acceptable behavior. We almost expect everyone to be lying and the liars, a dead giveaway that they are liars, is they tell you someone is lying about something that you know is true. We're not talking about inaccuracies. Not everyone remembers every minute detail. We're talking about straight up dishonesty. There are so many lies that we listen to everyday, politicians, the media, et cetera, that are half or less truths meant to manipulate us into thinking one way or another, that we don't even second guess it anymore in a lot of cases. The sad repercussion of this? That everyday people that lie to manipulate and control us often get a pass too. We've become inoculated to the behavior. All because it was not nice enough to simply ask someone to mind their own business. Winston Churchill said "A lie will travel around the world twice while the truth is still getting its boots on." Every lie that we allow someone to tell or even tell ourselves rather than giving prying noses a quick closed door takes on a life of its own. And, we have no one to blame but ourselves in those cases. I'm not saying that they need to be cussed out every time you catch one. I'm simply advocating telling them only truths and telling them when it's none of their business. And if you catch them, call them on it if it's about someone else or even yourself. Grams used to say "Be polite, but you don't have to make conversation." You can still be gracious or even just ignore them when suitable without having to pretend to like or even enjoy their company. Jealous people will pretend to be polite and curse you behind your back. Why even try to talk to people like that? They are being dishonest with others and themselves and they didn't respect your boundaries. Politicians that you catch in lies don't respect boundaries. But we define those boundaries. Stand up for yourself with a little old fashioned honesty. A little honesty here and there could eventually make the world a more honest place. Even politicians. It's time to try a little trickle up theory.
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