I often think about various things. I'm a walking, talking dilettante version of an encyclopedia. I can't tell you how many things I think about. My mind races most of the time. It's kind of cool. I get a lot of stuff done when I'm busy. It's also kind of annoying at other times. My mind literally needs to have multiple things going on at the same time in order to focus. Music is usually my favorite background noise to keep that part of my mind that likes to take off running so that my focused mind gets, well, focused. Over the years I have met people similar, but I've always been a bit of the odd duck. That oddity has on more than one occasion been the target practice bullseye for some of the more shallow people on the planet.
For one, I can usually listen to two conversations at the same time and absorb all of both conversations. I can even participate in one while listening to another. I've had people swear up and down this is not possible, and yet, in meetings taking notes of both conversations has often proved that I missed little to nothing from either conversation. So it tends to annoy me when someone says that I don't listen. I often heard what they said, but what they said had no value add to my life. An aunt used to lecture me about who I was, more over who she thought I was, and what I should be doing. I always tried to ignore her, but that annoying gift of being able to absorb and understand two things going on around me at once, meant that I was catching all of the hockey game and all of the belittling things she was saying to me. While it bothered me when I was younger that she often thought of me as her own personal "whipping post" during family gatherings, as I got older I just ignored it. And by ignore, yes, it still registered, but I chalked it up as words that were not value add to my life. If it made her feel better, so much the better for her, and who cared?
So over the years, I've developed that same "who cares" what someone is trying to tell me that they know who or what I am when they don't even know who they are themselves. Recently, I met a pretty blatant racist. He didn't think he was. He parlayed himself to be a fancy, true Southern gentleman. The first time I met him he made my skin crawl. Immediately I knew he would not be that great of a person, although it took me some time to figure out what was "wrong" with him. At first, I thought it was maybe that he didn't actually like independent women. No, after some observation, it was apparent that if this had been his problem in the past, God had given him daughters to rectify that shallow mindset. More observation showed a man that was way too gregarious when dealing with minorities, particularly when any form of an audience was around. But, that wasn't what tipped his hand; it was the putting me down and insulting me when there was no audience, no witnesses coupled with overly buttered up, sweet as molasses act when there was an audience. Honestly, when he put me down, at first, I did a lot of self exploration. I realized after three or four days of self analysis that this guy had no idea who I was whatsoever. He had put forth zero effort to actually understand who I was other than a stereotype that he had in his head from the moment he laid eyes on me. Every one of the conversations that he and I had ever had were already predisposed to his opinion that I was not "good enough". I couldn't figure it out. Until there was this really sweet black gentleman that he was equally ridiculously gregarious with. It hit me kind of hard and then I saw how he acted all the time. The gregarious with people he didn't like, the normal with the people he did. Basically, this jerk had made up his mind about me from the time he had laid eyes on me--I was obviously mixed with something and didn't fit his version of the world. Therefore, I was less and since he didn't want to look like the asshole he was, well is, to others, he was very overly nice--as I stated, gregarious--in front of people. Yet, a complete insulting rude jerk when there was no audience. Of course, once I realized that, his opinion of me and anything or anyone else became utterly worthless. It was non-value add. He had no idea who he was talking about, not just because he was an ass--some asses will take time to know people regardless--but simply because he was a bigoted racist fossil who had failed to grow with the times.
Unlike this educated asshat, I have a friend who is a high school dropout, the epitome stereotype of redneck who can be so overly honest and blunt that some people fail to see the diamond in the rough. Yet, I've never known her to ever be a racist or even make snap assumptions and have the audacity to assume they are fact. Unlike the educated, self proclaimed "Southern gentleman", she is his exact opposite in every single way--female, high school drop out, not from a "proper family", but also unlike him, with a heart of gold, without a drop of judgmental prejudices to skew her initial opinion of anyone, and certainly not so phony as to become so totally gregarious around people she doesn't like to hide it. If she doesn't like you, she's not trying to hide it, but she's not trying to be sneaky while insulting you either. Just a straight up, good hearted person with no prejudice to skew her from liking or disliking anyone. Obviously, I think the world of her. But also unlike him, she's not worried about what others think of her or what she thinks. She doesn't hide her thoughts. If they are inappropriate, oh well, that's who she is unlike that asshat who knew his opinions were inappropriate to the point he played himself off as super gregarious when dealing with people he knew his true opinion would be inappropriate. Of course, with her no one has to worry about being "good enough". We are all equal in her eyes.
Obviously I respect her more than I respect him or my one aunt. That aunt did me a great big favor at a very young age. I learned that other people's opinions are just that--based on their own follies and their own desires, experiences, always on who they are, but not necessarily based on who you are. Honestly there are very few people that I don't like. That's not to say that I like everyone, but there are just very few people that I bother with the concept "to not like". If I don't like you and I am willing to state it, there is a guarantee that I have a solid reason that others would find understandable--if I even would bother to explain it to them. I'm not very fond of the asshat aforementioned. Can I say I don't like him? No, actually I can say I feel sorry for him. How sad is it to still be living his life in the 1950s, 60s and 70s version of the South? It's pathetic that at his age he hasn't grown passed those ignorant racist things that control his behavior. How many truly wonderful people has he missed out on simply because he lacks the depth to grow passed racist stereotypes? Not that it matters to me. He's like one of those blips on a radar screen that disappears into the Bermuda Triangle.
What's the point of this blog? Well, I know so many of my friends, all of us already in our 40s--some moving into their 50s--and they are still sweating what other people think of them. I have to admit I feel far less fettered than they do--or at least in that sense I do. I don't care what someone thinks of me that has no value add in my life, and while it's a little mean sounding, if someone has no value add in your life, why would you? Of course, if someone has no value add in your life, a normal person cuts them out of their life. My aunt was always tuned out and eventually was completely cut out of my life because she simply couldn't show the respect that she demanded. If someone consistently proves that not only are they not value add, but they are value detrimental, it's time to consider severing or at least minimizing ties to them. Sometimes we are forced to be around people that have no value add to our lives--work, family, etc. We have to be able to tell ourselves what their opinion is worth. Usually zilch. But if you are lucky enough to find people who are honest with you and provide value to your life--to improving yourself, to being the best that you can be, to your growth as a human being running in this human race--well, hold on to those people. They are as priceless as you are.
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