Done with that box or any other box for that matter....

Over the years, the most emotionally abusive men that have been in my life are always the ones that are constantly wanting to be back in my life.  Of course, every single guy I've ever dated has come back wanting at least attention--which I don't know about what most women think of this since I can't be the only one this happens to, but yea, fuck off.  Excuse the language, but really.  Don't get me wrong.  Any wrong turns that I have taken--well, yes that's on me.  I'm sure God or fate had some reasoning to get me where I am now.  But truth?  I don't need a damn meme to tell me that going backwards is a dumbass move.  Asking me if I ever loved someone is kind of stupid too.  If I dated someone, on some level at the time, yes, I did.  But that doesn't mean I have a wish to spend the rest of my life as anyone's doormat.  The problem with saying I'm not doing this whole wash, rinse, repeat cycle is that I have to seriously look at what was wrong with my previous choices and what the hell is wrong with me.  So I know what's wrong with my previous choices--laundry list, remember?  I always know what's wrong with them before I even get into it.  The problem is that I have to admit that I also allow them to treat me like a damn doormat eventually.  Why?  Well, that's the question now isn't it?

For one, most people that don't really know me very well assume that isn't possible.  That's because I'm extroverted and I'll share my opinion and thoughts fairly freely.  I don't judge people for their opinions and therefore I don't see any reason to keep my opinions to myself.  I do realize that a majority of people judge people with different opinions as "not their people".  Welcome to the world we live in.  But, the more shallow the person the quicker they are to assume that because I am not afraid to share my opinions or knowledge.  That is who I am.  It's a drop in the bucket of who I am.  For the people that know me the best, I'm usually leery to take the lead.  I can lead, when I need to.  I just really enjoy not having to think about it.  I've always had a lot of responsibilities--at least since my early 20s.  So most of the time I'm dating someone I just follow their lead.  After a while, if they start to control and start shoving me in their box, well, sooner or later, I'm out.  I don't like to play games and I'm not going to take someone's shit for months and months just because he's figured out that I'm not actually demanding at all.  

My closest friends tell me all the time, especially when I'm dating someone, that I need to stand up for myself.  I need to put my "foot down".  I need to define limits early on or I'm going to end up being treated like crap.  Well, that is partially true.  But it's really two fold, right?  Most of the guys I've dated I already know aren't a good choice.  The ones that have been a good choice--okay, yes, there's been a couple.  Yea, they still had issues, but was it a laundry list?  Not sure.  There's a couple that I'm still friends with that just had their issues and we just didn't "fit".  But for the rest, yes, I became a doormat.  They treated me like I had to do what they wanted, when they wanted.  They would bitch about my friends and try to cut me off from them.  Some of them they had valid points, but then they would use that to try to cut me off from the friends that they had no valid points to cut me off.  They just were control freaks who started to treat me like property.  Fuck that.  Excuse the language again.  Sailor mouth is really in a mood today.  Is it my own fault?  Sure to some degree.  I gave them the impression I was okay being treated like that because I'm not demanding.  I just wasn't raised to be some demanding mean girl bitch.  

So, I tend to just follow my man's, when I have one, I just tend to follow his lead.  It's not a whole lot of skin off my back--until they start trying to make it impossible for me to have my friends, my own life, my hobbies, accomplish things that I want to accomplish.  My youngest's sperm donor is a great example.  He and his father tried to pressure me over and over to not finish my degree.  Yet, that wasn't why I left his ass in the dust--it was because there wasn't a single honest word that ever came out of his mouth and when I realized that I was out.  Bam.  I tend to let the guy I date put me in a damn box and why in the hell have I been doing that with anyone that I already have a laundry list of stuff that I want nothing to do with? 

Probably because I know I'm not staying in that box very long.  I just can't do it.  I start to feel stifled, smothered, like I can't breath.  I start to introvert and that's just not who I am.  And then, I'm angry and trying to swallow it.  Well, at that point, it's just a matter of time.  Amazingly, when I get to that point that I'm done, I'm silent.  I've got no anger at all.  Could friggin care less.  Yes, call it cold bitch, but no not cold hearted bitch.  I'm not wishing anything bad on anyone I've ever dated.  I've just got no use for someone that didn't respect me when they had me and then want me back when I've had enough.  I always have given second chances, hell sometimes even a third or fourth, but when enough is enough, enough is enough.  

So how do I work out this wash, rinse, repeat when I know I have this issue where I start to get treated like a doormat because I don't put my proverbial foot down?  I don't know.  I know I can put it down when I'm done and an ex boyfriend is finding that out right now.  But how do I define limits that I have literally never thought I should have to with someone that I don't even know it's ever going there in the first place?  I keep saying the right guy will have to figure me out.  Well, the right guy wouldn't take advantage of a mush ball.  My Granddaddy wasn't perfect--Grams and he went through hell a time or two and then some, truth be told.  My Daddy and mother on the other hand, until she got sick, got on really well.  There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect man, or woman for that matter.  But I've seen good and great relationships and I know damn well they don't look like me being shoved in a little box and controlled and miserable.  I'm just not sure that I don't have to learn to put limits on how I'm going to be treated or not treated early on.  I shouldn't have to.  It doesn't seem like that would be the right relationship then.  But I guess the best thing to do when I don't like that someone doesn't seem or appear to be treating me with respect, then it's time to bail immediately.  I'm too easy going in a relationship and I'm not going to be someone's doormat--whether it's because I'm too smart, too smart ass or in reality too easy going and they think that's a free for all to treat me like shit. Done with that box.     

Not ready for the right person or not interested in being with the wrong person....

The downside to having an hour drive to work and an hour drive back is that it's plenty of time to think.  The upside to having an hour drive to work and back is that it's plenty of time to think.  Still didn't help my writer's block when I got home.  I couldn't get my thoughts straight.  I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday, and I tell people all the time that I don't "want" a relationship or I'm not ready.  Is that my wash, rinse, repeat?  Kind of caught myself off guard this morning when I asked myself that.  The drive into work wasn't near as fun.  I usually actually enjoy the drive.  The drive back from work wasn't as frustrating.  I was preoccupied with the question.  I thought when I get home I'll write, ok type, it all down and I'll work out the answer.  Nothing.  That's not usually how this works.  The blog comes as my brain starts to filter through everything, not while it's all still in jumbles.  So the jumbles are starting to filter.  

Is it?  Wash, rinse, repeat?  If it is, which section.  Wash, dating and dumping.  Rinse, no dating at all.  Repeat, that's jumping back in to something I don't really want.  I'm not in repeat mode.  I have absolutely no interest in anyone that is not viable right now.  YAY me.  Wash.  No, not that.  Rinse.  Oh shit.  Maybe.  My favorite answer during the rinse cycle is to say I don't want a relationship or not ready for one.  Damn it.  That's not really true though, is it?  Well, sort of.  I'm not wanting another worthless relationship that has zero potential.  No more laundry lists.  So, why am I still saying that?  I'm saying it because of habit.  I'm used to being very guarded and it's a solid proven way to protect myself.  Of course, in my defense, the whole reason to say it is because I have a tendency to attract guys that aren't smart enough, aren't smart ass enough, don't get my sense of humor, who get intimidated by the fact for the most part that I have my shit together.  And during the rinse cycle, I don't want any of them in my life.  They are controlling, manipulative, less than honest and annoying.  So what if I say it to anyone that might ideally want more that might be very viable? 

Well, my closest friends have all pointed out that I need someone smart enough that gets my sarcastic sense of humor and who I can admire.  Someone who is proud of how smart I am and someone I can be proud of.  Someone who can get the better of me when I'm frustrated and make me laugh.  Am I ready for that?  Well, that's the thing.  I think we all are.  We get to the point where we aren't ready for the "wrong" thing anymore and that can be daunting.  I'm not willing to be with the wrong person ever again.  But the right one?  Well, truth is, yes, I think I am.  It doesn't mean I want to be in an instant relationship like instant oatmeal or grits.  But the right person?  The right guy?  Yes, it might be very difficult for me, but I've made up my mind that the right guy deserves to be treated like gold and deserves me to be all in.  I deserve to be treated like gold too and I deserve to have the guy that is all in.  

Of course, that's a lot for me to say.  The majority of guys I have dated have defined "all in" as up my *ss breathing for me.  I need to be able to have my friends, my boys, my job, my own space.  I have a life and he needs to have a life.  I want to share my life, not have it smothered by a control freak.  Still the "right" guy, the lightening strike, the unicorn, would not be that way, and I know this.  So I just need to pay attention.  So I'm not in rinse cycle, so much as simply saying that I don't want to date just anyone.  The right guy, yes, I'm technically ready.  The wrong guy, well, no, I'll never be ready again for the wrong guy.  I don't need filler space. 

Have I met the right guy?  I said it before that the right guy would probably have to figure me out not the other way around.  I have a terrible habit of second guessing myself.  I don't talk about it with my friends in the normal way.  If it's someone that I think is truly amazing, I'm more likely to keep it to only my closest friends.  Might have something to do with recently finding out a couple of people I thought were good friends were nothing but lying backstabbing gossips.  I'd probably tell him--that probably is stupid. That may be me second guessing myself.  I tend to think if it's the right guy all the things that might be wrong with anyone else would be right just because he'd realize that I'm basically a mush ball in an overwrapped package.  

But no more saying that I'm not ready.  I am technically ready for the right guy.  I'm no longer going to say that I'm not ready or don't want a relationship.  Of course, I do and I'm ready for the right person.  I'm not interested in the being with the wrong person and from now on that's what I'm going to say.    

“We need to make America sane again.“

I'm still amazed by the people that keep saying that they want change but then keep doing the same thing over and over.  Sometimes they are talking about their lives in general.  I mean, even I have done it, albeit admittedly I did it more subconsciously than consciously.  It's hard to make a change in our own lives, so I suppose anyone claiming they want change must overcome subconscious developed responses.  In the case of the current election, I listen to people who have been wanting change, who are completely disenfranchised and looking to anything different.  Yet, the different that they are looking at is just more of the same.  Some of them see it but just believe that it's now a question of the lesser of two evils.  Some, and I'm completely blown away by them, really believe that Trump or Clinton are not the same.  Two people that benefited most by the corruption that all of us are sick of cannot possibly want change.  It's a big joke.  Yet, it seems like these people are so pre-programmed to believe in a two party system, they cannot start to see the bigger picture.

First, neither Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton have any leadership skills.  Clinton has proven over and over that she will fall in line with the establishment--whether kissing her husband's ass when consistently caught cheating, to the Tammy Faye Baker routine of stand by her man so that she could become a Senator, or getting on board with abandoning Americans in Benghazi.  Leadership is not her strong suit.  Cowardice and taking the easy way out is.  Donald Trump is the epitome of the worst that the United States has created over the years.  A spoiled rich brat, who brags consistently about his sexual conquests, and has multiple times taken advantage of all the corruption that all of us average joes are sick of.  There's no way either of these people give a shit about any of the average Americans.  I'd even go so far as to say that neither of them have any intention of making American great again for the average person here, because, well, bluntly, neither of these asshats has ever been the average American.  They are people who have always stepped on the average of us to get what they want.

So fine, most people will concede this.  Democrats wanted change but the establishment was and is behind Clinton.  Republicans wanted change but they have Bozo the Clown as their presumptive nominee.  It's the lesser of two evils.  I'm really sick of the "lesser of two evils" bullsh*t.  Why would I vote for either?  Why would I and every other American sick of the corruption, deceit, and money-power hungry grubbing sell-outs vote for either of them?  The Dems argue that at least Clinton is going to maintain status quo.  I'm sick of status quo.  Screw your status quo.  That is the establishment that I am sick of.  The same status quo that the Clintons and Trump have used to their advantages for decades.  The Republicans argued amongst themselves because Trump is a clown.  Oh come on.  Seriously.  Screaming on stage?  Inciting people to physically assault others?  That ridiculous haircut?  Or the bright orange fake tan skin?  All he needs is a Fiat 500 and a 100 of his wife's Russian mob whore girlfriends to pop out of it all at once and we will have the epitome of "three ring circus".

Everyone will agree that we need real leadership.  We can all agree that we need a President that can help lead the United States, NATO and make sure that we are taking care of ours and our Allies.  Clinton already proved that isn't going to happen with her as the Secretary of State.  She failed at Benghazi, and that failure is a reflection of what would be her term as President.  Trump is such an idiot that doesn't know when to shut the hell up--just during this election--he was barred from going to several countries because of his racist comments.  He literally has lost interests in Arabic countries because they told him he could no longer operate in those countries.  The UK refused to let him have a visa to come into their country even though he had a court case in Scotland.  Trump's basically Yosomite Sam--friggin' hilarious and all dumbass--and yet, some people hate Clinton so much that they would vote this idiot into office.

What choice do we have?  That's just it.  We actually do.  Governor Gary Johnson running as a Libertarian.  Governor Johnson was a two term Republican governor of a blue (liberal) state.  Much like Reagan was.  He won't invoke the Reagan name, but I will.  He took over a state, New Mexico, that had some financial issues.  Not as much as California did when Reagan became governor there, but nonetheless, like Reagan, Johnson helped resolve the issues at hand.  He understood, and therefore still understands, the need to build bridges and get the job done.  Most important to someone like me is he believes in the Constitution as written, not as twisted in interpretation.

What Gary Johnson stands for in a nutshell:

1.  He's going to sign anything that reduces taxes.  For the average American this is huge.  He
actually is a proponent for consumptive tax--which means you don't get penalized for making more money.  Anyone that has worked overtime knows that the more you make, the less you get.  Johnson opposes this method of taxation.  It's not the ideal plan either, since the less money you have the tax burden would be based on your consumption (buying).  But number 2, could be a huge tax influx for the US economy.

2.  He's for legalized marijuana.  Colorado is the second state in the union to start paying its residents to live there.  A legalized marijuana for the United States could reduce the average American's tax burden by 50%.

3.  He believes that government should have a mandatory requirement for a balanced budget and that we should not be borrowing money to add new and ridiculous pork bellies for the politicians.  The establishment just voting in themselves a raise to their pensions.  Seriously.  This is bullsh*t.  We can't afford our bills as a country then we cannot afford to borrow to pay their pensions and other pork bellies.

4.  He's for environmental prudence.  As we've expanded, we know that some companies and people are greedy as hell.  Trump and the Clintons for example.  They don't care what they leave for our kids and grandkids.  Here's a man who does.

5.  He believes in a strict conservative interpretation of the Constitution--which means:
a.  While he is pro-life himself, Freedom of Religion means it's a mother's private decision.
b.  Gun rights are protected by the Right to Bear Arms.
c.  Our 5th and 6th Amendment rights are not to be trampled on by the NSA, TSA, FBI or other government agencies.

6.  On immigration, he believes in a mix of what the two extremes of the establishment believe.  We need to secure our public safety, but that the number of legal immigrants allowed into this country each year needs to be based on the free market.  It sounds complicated, but it's not.  We don't allow that many people into the US as the establishment right wing would make you think.  We aren't on a free for all of illegals either.  It's a smoke and mirrors thing the establishment uses to keep us off the real issues.  Johnson has their number and he has real interest in resolving the problems.  That's what makes him special.

7.  Johnson backs TERM LIMITS.  Nothing else needs to be said here.  We all want this.

8.  Overseas, terrorism...Governor Johnson believes that we need to move decisively and respond to threats appropriately--not cowering and not a raging blow hard response, but responses designed to secure our country and our Allies.  He believes the end goal is to neutralize the extremist groups.

9.  He opposes mandatory minimum sentences and believes that incarceration in this country needs a solid overhaul.

10.  He believes the "benefits" of Federal mandates in education have been more costly and the benefits have not been worth the cost.  He doesn't believe there is a role for the Federal government in education.

11.  He doesn't believe that the government should have free access to our computers or cell phones.  Again, as a strict Constitutionalist, from his point of view, our 5th and 6th Amendment rights should not be violated.

12.  CREATING JOBS?  He's not a blow hard saying stuff that isn't believable like we'll just stop trade with China (ripe when it comes from someone that actually manufactures everything he sells in China and Mexico).   No, what Johnson believes is that we have one of the largest workforces in the world that is educated to a high school level or higher overall.  If we cut taxes and we encourage free trade, companies will bring their businesses back from overseas and create jobs.  Most companies have left the USA for tax haven countries.  If we are one of these tax friendly countries, then they will be here, employing Americans.

Fine.  You still want the establishment.  Just don't say it wasn't because there wasn't a better alternative or no other choice or just a choice between two evils.  There is a far more reasonable and viable alternative.  One of true leadership.  As Governor Johnson said, "We need to make America sane again."  Amen.