Over the years, the most emotionally abusive men that have been in my life are always the ones that are constantly wanting to be back in my life. Of course, every single guy I've ever dated has come back wanting at least attention--which I don't know about what most women think of this since I can't be the only one this happens to, but yea, fuck off. Excuse the language, but really. Don't get me wrong. Any wrong turns that I have taken--well, yes that's on me. I'm sure God or fate had some reasoning to get me where I am now. But truth? I don't need a damn meme to tell me that going backwards is a dumbass move. Asking me if I ever loved someone is kind of stupid too. If I dated someone, on some level at the time, yes, I did. But that doesn't mean I have a wish to spend the rest of my life as anyone's doormat. The problem with saying I'm not doing this whole wash, rinse, repeat cycle is that I have to seriously look at what was wrong with my previous choices and what the hell is wrong with me. So I know what's wrong with my previous choices--laundry list, remember? I always know what's wrong with them before I even get into it. The problem is that I have to admit that I also allow them to treat me like a damn doormat eventually. Why? Well, that's the question now isn't it?
For one, most people that don't really know me very well assume that isn't possible. That's because I'm extroverted and I'll share my opinion and thoughts fairly freely. I don't judge people for their opinions and therefore I don't see any reason to keep my opinions to myself. I do realize that a majority of people judge people with different opinions as "not their people". Welcome to the world we live in. But, the more shallow the person the quicker they are to assume that because I am not afraid to share my opinions or knowledge. That is who I am. It's a drop in the bucket of who I am. For the people that know me the best, I'm usually leery to take the lead. I can lead, when I need to. I just really enjoy not having to think about it. I've always had a lot of responsibilities--at least since my early 20s. So most of the time I'm dating someone I just follow their lead. After a while, if they start to control and start shoving me in their box, well, sooner or later, I'm out. I don't like to play games and I'm not going to take someone's shit for months and months just because he's figured out that I'm not actually demanding at all.
My closest friends tell me all the time, especially when I'm dating someone, that I need to stand up for myself. I need to put my "foot down". I need to define limits early on or I'm going to end up being treated like crap. Well, that is partially true. But it's really two fold, right? Most of the guys I've dated I already know aren't a good choice. The ones that have been a good choice--okay, yes, there's been a couple. Yea, they still had issues, but was it a laundry list? Not sure. There's a couple that I'm still friends with that just had their issues and we just didn't "fit". But for the rest, yes, I became a doormat. They treated me like I had to do what they wanted, when they wanted. They would bitch about my friends and try to cut me off from them. Some of them they had valid points, but then they would use that to try to cut me off from the friends that they had no valid points to cut me off. They just were control freaks who started to treat me like property. Fuck that. Excuse the language again. Sailor mouth is really in a mood today. Is it my own fault? Sure to some degree. I gave them the impression I was okay being treated like that because I'm not demanding. I just wasn't raised to be some demanding mean girl bitch.
So, I tend to just follow my man's, when I have one, I just tend to follow his lead. It's not a whole lot of skin off my back--until they start trying to make it impossible for me to have my friends, my own life, my hobbies, accomplish things that I want to accomplish. My youngest's sperm donor is a great example. He and his father tried to pressure me over and over to not finish my degree. Yet, that wasn't why I left his ass in the dust--it was because there wasn't a single honest word that ever came out of his mouth and when I realized that I was out. Bam. I tend to let the guy I date put me in a damn box and why in the hell have I been doing that with anyone that I already have a laundry list of stuff that I want nothing to do with?
Probably because I know I'm not staying in that box very long. I just can't do it. I start to feel stifled, smothered, like I can't breath. I start to introvert and that's just not who I am. And then, I'm angry and trying to swallow it. Well, at that point, it's just a matter of time. Amazingly, when I get to that point that I'm done, I'm silent. I've got no anger at all. Could friggin care less. Yes, call it cold bitch, but no not cold hearted bitch. I'm not wishing anything bad on anyone I've ever dated. I've just got no use for someone that didn't respect me when they had me and then want me back when I've had enough. I always have given second chances, hell sometimes even a third or fourth, but when enough is enough, enough is enough.
So how do I work out this wash, rinse, repeat when I know I have this issue where I start to get treated like a doormat because I don't put my proverbial foot down? I don't know. I know I can put it down when I'm done and an ex boyfriend is finding that out right now. But how do I define limits that I have literally never thought I should have to with someone that I don't even know it's ever going there in the first place? I keep saying the right guy will have to figure me out. Well, the right guy wouldn't take advantage of a mush ball. My Granddaddy wasn't perfect--Grams and he went through hell a time or two and then some, truth be told. My Daddy and mother on the other hand, until she got sick, got on really well. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect man, or woman for that matter. But I've seen good and great relationships and I know damn well they don't look like me being shoved in a little box and controlled and miserable. I'm just not sure that I don't have to learn to put limits on how I'm going to be treated or not treated early on. I shouldn't have to. It doesn't seem like that would be the right relationship then. But I guess the best thing to do when I don't like that someone doesn't seem or appear to be treating me with respect, then it's time to bail immediately. I'm too easy going in a relationship and I'm not going to be someone's doormat--whether it's because I'm too smart, too smart ass or in reality too easy going and they think that's a free for all to treat me like shit. Done with that box.
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