The downside to having an hour drive to work and an hour drive back is that it's plenty of time to think. The upside to having an hour drive to work and back is that it's plenty of time to think. Still didn't help my writer's block when I got home. I couldn't get my thoughts straight. I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday, and I tell people all the time that I don't "want" a relationship or I'm not ready. Is that my wash, rinse, repeat? Kind of caught myself off guard this morning when I asked myself that. The drive into work wasn't near as fun. I usually actually enjoy the drive. The drive back from work wasn't as frustrating. I was preoccupied with the question. I thought when I get home I'll write, ok type, it all down and I'll work out the answer. Nothing. That's not usually how this works. The blog comes as my brain starts to filter through everything, not while it's all still in jumbles. So the jumbles are starting to filter.
Is it? Wash, rinse, repeat? If it is, which section. Wash, dating and dumping. Rinse, no dating at all. Repeat, that's jumping back in to something I don't really want. I'm not in repeat mode. I have absolutely no interest in anyone that is not viable right now. YAY me. Wash. No, not that. Rinse. Oh shit. Maybe. My favorite answer during the rinse cycle is to say I don't want a relationship or not ready for one. Damn it. That's not really true though, is it? Well, sort of. I'm not wanting another worthless relationship that has zero potential. No more laundry lists. So, why am I still saying that? I'm saying it because of habit. I'm used to being very guarded and it's a solid proven way to protect myself. Of course, in my defense, the whole reason to say it is because I have a tendency to attract guys that aren't smart enough, aren't smart ass enough, don't get my sense of humor, who get intimidated by the fact for the most part that I have my shit together. And during the rinse cycle, I don't want any of them in my life. They are controlling, manipulative, less than honest and annoying. So what if I say it to anyone that might ideally want more that might be very viable?
Well, my closest friends have all pointed out that I need someone smart enough that gets my sarcastic sense of humor and who I can admire. Someone who is proud of how smart I am and someone I can be proud of. Someone who can get the better of me when I'm frustrated and make me laugh. Am I ready for that? Well, that's the thing. I think we all are. We get to the point where we aren't ready for the "wrong" thing anymore and that can be daunting. I'm not willing to be with the wrong person ever again. But the right one? Well, truth is, yes, I think I am. It doesn't mean I want to be in an instant relationship like instant oatmeal or grits. But the right person? The right guy? Yes, it might be very difficult for me, but I've made up my mind that the right guy deserves to be treated like gold and deserves me to be all in. I deserve to be treated like gold too and I deserve to have the guy that is all in.
Of course, that's a lot for me to say. The majority of guys I have dated have defined "all in" as up my *ss breathing for me. I need to be able to have my friends, my boys, my job, my own space. I have a life and he needs to have a life. I want to share my life, not have it smothered by a control freak. Still the "right" guy, the lightening strike, the unicorn, would not be that way, and I know this. So I just need to pay attention. So I'm not in rinse cycle, so much as simply saying that I don't want to date just anyone. The right guy, yes, I'm technically ready. The wrong guy, well, no, I'll never be ready again for the wrong guy. I don't need filler space.
Have I met the right guy? I said it before that the right guy would probably have to figure me out not the other way around. I have a terrible habit of second guessing myself. I don't talk about it with my friends in the normal way. If it's someone that I think is truly amazing, I'm more likely to keep it to only my closest friends. Might have something to do with recently finding out a couple of people I thought were good friends were nothing but lying backstabbing gossips. I'd probably tell him--that probably is stupid. That may be me second guessing myself. I tend to think if it's the right guy all the things that might be wrong with anyone else would be right just because he'd realize that I'm basically a mush ball in an overwrapped package.
But no more saying that I'm not ready. I am technically ready for the right guy. I'm no longer going to say that I'm not ready or don't want a relationship. Of course, I do and I'm ready for the right person. I'm not interested in the being with the wrong person and from now on that's what I'm going to say.
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