What exactly are you looking for?

For those that have been reading this blog for a while now, some may realize that we are coming up on the 10th year.  Not bad for someone with serious commitment issues.  Oh, but for those of you that didn't get the link when I first started the blog, you are probably unaware that this started as a way for me to communicate my dating fiascos after several friends, to remain nameless, that pitched in with funds for dating websites.  You read that right.  This originally started as a way for me to communicate to my friends, all at the same time, the hilarity that ensued from trying to meet new people in a new town, and by the means that one of my friends had suggested as a "good" method.  Not just to meet new men, but new places in a new town.  Okay, it was one disaster after the next.  It was hilarious.  My readership at one point had spiked over 500.  That's quite a bit when you consider that the link was originally shared with about 7 people, and I think only 3 of them actually read it regularly.  The funnier the post, the more readership I picked up.  Then I got sick of dating.  For those of you that have been happily, or even unhappily, married for decades, you can't possibly imagine how much it sucks to date.  But yea, for my friends, single or not, my excerpts seemed to just make their mundane lives that much better.  Not to say that my experiences were funny at the time, often they were kind of like mini-nightmares--one right after the other--of what no one would want to date.  One guy had some serious hygiene issues.  Another had spent the whole date bragging about how much money he used to have--yes, used to have.  Talk about ridiculous.  The one that spent the whole time checking out other women.  Another that had the highest pitch voice I had ever heard--from anyone including women.  I think he was considering being the cartoon voice for Minnie Mouse.  The control freak who utterly was infuriated with me for not liking Sarah Palin.  Come on now.  Hmm, in hindsight he was probably a sign of things to come in this country.  Or my personal favorite of them all, the guy I never ever even met, who after only a week of texting and a couple phone calls, went ballistic because I went for a couple drinks after work with a couple of co-workers on a Friday night.   I actually had to cancel one of the 3 online dating memberships and block him from my Facebook, my MySpace, and even had to change my phone number to get rid of him because blocking his number only meant he'd call from other numbers.  So, it may surprise anyone, even me, that I actually invested any money in online dating again.  

Frankly, it was not my first choice.  I had mentioned to my friends that I might be genuinely interested in meeting someone.  Admittedly, most of my friends know what a phobia I have for relationships.  They all have their advice on how to find the right relationship.  Some, one or three or so, will tell me to stay single.  Well, that's easy for them, because they are in relationships.  Always amazes me at how non-single people will proffer up advice to stay single when they are in real relationships like some tom cat, slut puppy.  "You don't want to be tied down.  You want to be able to do what you want to do when you want to do it.  You don't want someone telling you what to do.  You don't need a man.  You have it made."  All very, very true.  I don't want someone telling me what to do.  I don't need a man to pay my bills, put a roof over my head, or even to buy me dinner.  Now, here's the thing though.  I have been tied "down" to my boys, so that argument is a bit stupid really.  I'm not tied to that responsibility anymore, but there's something to be said for having someone that you actually care about more than you care about yourself.  Somehow it makes life worth living.   My days for the most part now that the boys are grown men are work, home, work, home, work, home, hang out with friends, ride my motorcycle, home, work, home, work.  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  The only real difference is that when my day is over, there's Hulu to look forward to.  There's really no one to tell about my great, ordinary or pissy day.  Well, there is--if you want to stop at a bar after work once in a while.  And there's no one to say, "you know what we need?  A weekend away."  No, that little sentence has to come out of the recesses of my own effort when even that little effort really needs that outside nudge.  So, I had mentioned to a couple of friends that I had hit this point last year.  

But online dating?  Again?  How did that happen?  Well, most of my friends tried to talk me out of it--out of any relationship even when I don't have one.  See excuses in above paragraph.  A couple others started listing off a number of our single friends.  Uh, hello.  Not to be bitchy, but if some of the single guys I know fit the bill, would I still be single?  That was a rhetorical question, but one of my friends did point out that I am a total commitment phob.  Was I even serious about this?  Of course.  Well, no one ever remembers me saying 'yes, I actually want a relationship.'  I mean they remember me saying I would like one, and I suspect that only a couple of them took this conversation serious.  Now, of the couple that did, one just was blunt as hell.  We don't know any good single men.  The ones that we know are all single for a reason, and when it comes to me, she said that there were plenty that would want to date me.  Sounds like problem solved, right?  But she pointed out that I am way too smart for almost all the guys we know.  Thank God.  But with that breath of relief, I realized I have a real problem.  How am I going to actually meet someone that is smart enough as not to bore me to death, is interesting in their own right, and not intimidated by a woman who is more than capable of taking care of herself?  Her response?  Online dating.  

Admittedly, I didn't jump right on the idea.  First, I'm one of those in person types.  I have always been pretty good at reading people.  A side effect of the childhood that I had.  But there's really something to be said about when you meet someone in person.  You can get a real feel for who they are.  We have become a society that is constantly being presented one liners and for the most part that is all online dating is.  You post a pic or two or 10 or 20.  You post a few sentences to a few paragraphs, either explaining who you think you are or who you think you want.  The problem is that I have never dated the "same" type twice.  Seriously.  I have been pretty inventive in finding new and different fits to see if I can find the "right" guy.  Honestly, as long as the guy is smarter than the average bear, I can make it work for a bit.  White collar, blue collar, liberal leaning, conservative leaning, great work ethic, no work ethic, single minded, broad minded, various hobbies, no hobbies.  I am pretty malleable.  I have a couple guy friends that I could have dated, a couple that I have, and a whole shit ton that I wouldn't dream of dating.  I may have polled a couple of them for inputs on this new quest.  I need someone like me.  WTF?  Like me?  Do they actually make this animal?  Oh, and--this was kind of like the "but" I would get from my female friends--someone who keeps me grounded and who isn't freaked out when I get all soft and fuzzy.   Oh, right.  No one ever thinks of me as "warm, fuzzy, soft kitten" type.  According to one of my oldest friends, actually the oldest as in time not age, longest friend of over 40+ years now, he pointed out I need to find another conundrum like myself that doesn't mind being with a woman that is from the outside looking in completely got it going on that totally appreciates that I'm going to hide behind him as soon as I get home.  Now, I'm not saying that I'm hiding, but that girl in me that is ready to run?  Runaway or just run, depending on the day of the week, yea, he may have a point.  How do you put that in a profile?  

So, I had finally broke down and put a new profile up 6 months ago.  The blog had originally started with six month membership that I literally had to force myself to "try" to meet new people.  I even had committed to the idea, once I started the blog, of going on a date at least a couple times a month.  I mean I needed new material.  It wasn't that hard to meet the "6 month relationship" guarantee trying to write exploits for my friends that had paid for it.  On the other hand, I really had no intention of going beyond that 1 year point.  I had figured that the "free" 6 months were their money too, so yea, the blog was a year by the end of that nonsense.  This time, well, I haven't been super active trying to date.  I said I was ready for a relationship.  I am, but for the right relationship.  So I haven't even gone out on a single date since signing up.  On the other hand, without any force of blog or otherwise, I have actually met the 6 month guarantee requirements--to my shock.  I kind of thought this whole thing would've blown over by now.  I suppose so did my friends.  The commitment phobia would kick in.  Through the last few months though, I have realized that it isn't that I'm afraid of a relationship.  I'm just not interested in being in the wrong relationship.  I've been so uninterested in being in the wrong relationship that I have been willing to be in the wrong relationship knowing that there is an end in sight.  That was the funny thing about the wrong relationships--I already knew it was over before it even got started.  

Well, I'd tell you that I was going to write about it, but I don't.  I have actually talked to a couple different guys long enough to realize that we weren't going to be a good fit.  One was pretty interesting and we talked for about 4 weeks, but then it finally came out that he drinks like a glass of wine once a month, his definition of "occasional" drinker.  My definition of almost non-drinker.  Of course, he had been an alcoholic when he was younger (his words not mine) and so my couple times a week was way over his idea of acceptable.  The other one that I talked to for a bit told me he was from Germany, eventually not really his mother was.  It never was said, but after a bit, I realized his father was from Egypt or Saudi.  Pass.  I'm way too American for that.  Trust me--way, way too American.  Another was 30 years military, interesting, but I got the impression fairly quickly that he was recently divorced and just interested in less.  Normally, I suppose that would've appealed to me.  I dropped those conversations within the first week.  And one that had his own business, never married, no kids, true Southern gentleman.  Yup, all the way to the mama's boy stereotype.  He was single because mama had a tight leash on him.  Glad he has a good relationship with his mama, but something started to scream "Deliverance".  That's 4 out of 18 "required" contacts.  I'm thinking that wasn't bad considering that half of these people on a paid sight are not even actually paying members.  I'd tell you about some of the bizarre ones that have sent me emails, but this time the membership wasn't or isn't about the ridiculous people that are out there.  We all know there are some pretty strange birds out there.  But this has been a genuine effort on my part.

Okay, so yes, now going to start month 7--the first free month.  I'll be honest.  I seriously doubt this is how I meet anyone worth meeting.  It just doesn't seem like the right method for me.  For someone that can look back and only actually think of 3 guys that I have ever been super interested in--none of whom I met online but in circumstances that were completely random--I just don't see it.  One I met through a cousin, another through a random friend (who had been crushing on me to make things complicated) and then one I met randomly a couple years after that blog creating attempt at online dating.  Yea, I'm just not sure I can "buy" into this method.  But hey, it's another 6 months, free, so I'll take it about as seriously as I take dating in general.  Don't expect the guy I marry to come from it.  Seriously, don't.  I imagine the guy that I would marry would have about as much faith in online dating as I do.  Like none.  I have a good idea what I'm looking for.  I'm just not convinced that the guy I'm looking for has a good idea of what he's looking for.  It took me a long time--I suspect it might take him longer.  ;)