On the way home from work today, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. My favorite poetic line ever is "all we are is all we know". I'm not a huge Nirvana fan, but the lyrics of this song are the story of my life. While "All Apologies" has that one line that strictly applies to all of us in every instance in every aspect of our lives--we are the sum of our experiences. We can read all day long what we think someone else's life is, but we will never know absolutely everything about another person's life. And they, we, all of us, are the sum of what we know--exactly no more and no less. That's just a fact of life that nothing is ever going to change.
But the song really focuses on Kurt Cobain's marriage--the feeling of being trapped. Today, it dawned on me that this song didn't just apply in my philosophy of life in general. I never wanted to feel trapped in a marriage. I never wanted to be married when I was younger. I bolted on my high school sweetheart as soon as he proposed. I would date just long enough to bolt. I got engaged once, but bolted on him as soon as he did one asinine thing. I just looked at it like it was the end of the world to be tied down to a relationship that would limit who I am, who I could be, what I could experience, the things that we all dream of as we grow up. Then I met my ex. My world kind of just changed instantly. Of course, that didn't work. It doesn't really matter why. But I realize that I have shut down since. My best friends lectured me last year about not trying to date anyone viable. They had a good point. I analyzed my relationships since, and no, I really have intentionally picked relationships that were unviable. I didn't choose everyone of the 5 I've had in 22 years since my ex, but they excepting one all had something seriously wrong with them before I started. In retrospect, yes, I did this intentionally whether consciously or not. So my friends did have a good point.
Good point or not, I did listen to their advice. So I finally committed to the idea of not dating "unviable". Okay...so here's my assessment after over 6 months of this shit. Ugh. Nevermind. There's a reason that I don't date anyone viable. For those of you that don't know me, this won't make sense necessarily. For my friends though, it probably will. Have you met me?!?! I am one of a kind. Really. Sure everyone is kind of their own person, except me. If I had a dollar for every time someone said they never met someone like me, well, I'd be able to put the Koch brothers to shame financially. What does that mean? Well, my friends are not going to like this. I think the way I was doing things was fine. Admittedly I need to be more picky if this is the route I'm going to accept. I don't need some loser banging on my window in the middle of the night after he screwed his ex-girlfriend or one of my supposed friends. I don't need all that extra obnoxious drama. On the bright side, I have removed all those drama types. They are completely exhausting. But, I'm resided with the fact, whether God, fate, whatever, there simply wasn't a good match made for me. I like to pretend that there is still that possibility, but the truth is I am perfectly okay with the fact that just isn't the case. Of course, I'd love to be wrong, but it's kind of like sucking on the bottle of false hope. So, while I'll tell ya "sure it could happen", in the back of my mind, I'm laughing and thinking "yea, bullshit".
The grand total of viable was zero. Six months, well, seven and a genuine effort...hahaha...okay, it's like trying to bob for apples in a barrel full of pears and no apple in sight. I suspect I should have taken trying to find someone more seriously 10-15 years ago, but my boys came first. I won't feel bad because I did right by them even if I didn't give myself a chance. Besides, no matter what, I have always believed what is meant to be will be. I don't look back and regret any decision I made to do right by my boys. Those decisions left me broke, left me without a lot of the things I should probably have now. But you only get one chance to do right by your kids. I wasn't perfect by any means, but I always did what I thought was best for them even when it wasn't right by me.
So yes, I'll date again. Probably a lot of unviable since that is the majority of what is available. In my case, I'm such an odd swan; that's really all that is available. It's not ideal, but I'm one of those people who could live on the side of mountain just as much on the shores of some remote beach who loves people just enough to be happy anywhere. I can find the good in anyone. I'm not picky, so I'll be pickier--to avoid nutjobs. I'm under no illusion it will change my circumstance. I should have taken finding the right person for me more seriously while the dating pool was deeper. It's pretty shallow at my age and it will only get more shallow as time goes on. Oh well. Better to be alone than miserable with someone who you can't be happy with. Being able to share your life and who you are with someone is an amazing gift, but hey, I've had a lot of amazing in my life. I have no reason to be disappointed with the fact I screwed up at some point and left myself with no viable options. I apparently wanted it this way long enough to have made it come to fruition and I'll make no apologies that I didn't want to be married and buried in the misery Kurt Cobain sung about. Unlike Cobain, I know life is a gift and the glass is as full as you make it.
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