Sunday, September 17, 2017

Being the best that we can be....

Earlier this week, I was told by a good friend, sort of like a father figure to me, that I probably needed a stupid man.  I'm way too smart and smart people usually need to be with stupid people according to him.  This struck me as ridiculous.  I used to joke that I can have my "stupid" conversations with my friends, but over the years I've learned that my closest friends tend to be of a higher intelligence level also.  I simply cannot see myself living happily in a day to day existence in the same house with someone that is not able to handle daily interesting conversation.  I mean sure, I like stupid conversations about stupid stuff.  It's just as fun and entertaining as the more intelligent conversations, but to be limited to only that day to day with someone who I'm going to spend half to 2/3 of my time with?  It sounds utterly painful.  Then another friend said it was the "whole personality" thing and that I needed to find someone with a similar personality because I'm such a unique personality.  Well, by that measure I simply should accept that this is not going to happen.  But then a friend of mine that is extremely happy is married to someone who personality wise they are not technically compatible.  That's right.  It struck me that her personality and his, at least by the conventional personalities (Briggs-Myer), are not supposed to be together.  Intellectually, they are on similar ground, although frankly she's a little smarter.  Then I started looking at my friends in "happy" relationships.  They are not personality matches but intellectual matches.  That started me wondering about this whole personality thing again.  

Over the years I've read a lot about personalities, what makes us tick, who we are and why.  I've learned a lot.  I've taken personality tests and I tend to borderline depending on the day I take the test.  I've been identified as a "lion" or "otter" in the basic 5 minute personality test with 4 types (lion, otter, beaver, retriever).  Sure, I always come in more often as "otter" than "lion".  I like to make light of many situations.  In the more complicated Briggs-Myers 16 types, I teeter from ENTP to ENFJ.  Under excessive stress, I will test as an ENTJ, and under little stress, INFP.  Now if you read all of those, you start to get a picture that either I'm a very complex animal or that personality testing might be bullshit.  Is simple testing that we all might fit into 16 boxes accurate?  Yea, I'm leaning towards bullshit.  One company I worked for used a far more complicated personality analysis that divides us into 9 basic types with some of each with leanings in one direction on the "wheel" of types--creating 27 "basic" types with 10 different levels of mental health.  In that particular analysis, I'm the "Enthusiast" with a "Loyalist" leaning which translates into the "Entertainer".  I'm pretty sure most of my friends that really know me will tell you "Entertainer" is me in a nutshell.  Basically, the Enneagram comes the closest in describing me.  I am busy and fun loving.  I am extremely loyal.  The main goal of an Enthusiast is "maintain their freedom and happiness while experiencing new things, keeping themselves busy and occupied and avoiding emotional pain".  So yes, overall, this is far more accurate.  Now this also includes a "mental health" level, and that's where the Enneagram becomes far more accurate.  If I'm honest, I have been at a 5 at times and the best I have been is a 2.  I probably have finally reached a point that I'm a 3 most of the time.  On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being the most "healthy"), I'll take it.  Now, some of you have already paused and looked up what the hell that last test was.  A couple of those have also read that description of me I have provided.  If you know me, then you've just realized that the Enneagram seems to describe me better than anyone that has attempted to describe me.  Personality testing is evolving and companies are using it more and more.  But is that a good idea?

What I find fascinating is that each of these tests appears to get it "right", but neglects so much that it essentially gets it wrong.  The Enneagram is unique in that it has grades for your mental "health".  But who cares, right?  Suffice to say the majority of people will be in the middle range of the mental health scale in their particular personality--somewhere between 4 to 6.  Now, here's where the bullshit begins.  We may be very "healthy" at work because we understand the expectation level, while we are secretly falling apart in our personal life.  The testing does tell us a lot about how I think consciously, because all my answers are based on my conscious answers.  Subconsciously we are more than what we think of ourselves consciously.  There's no test for the subconscious, and it's the subconscious mind that is in true control.  

For example, how many times do you listen to the radio while driving?  Even sing a long?  Try this sometime this week.  When you get to work, wait an half an hour.  Try to remember the songs you sang on your way to work.  Can you?  One maybe?  The conscious mind has no recollection.  You were busy singing, but you can't remember what.  Now try to remember all the cars that were in front of you.  Even if it was just one car, and you intentionally made a mental note of which car, you will likely not remember.  You might remember the car color, or that it was a small sedan.  You might remember the brand.  Odds are good that you don't.  Yet, they've proven that under hypnosis, you will even remember the license plate of the car if you noticed it at least once while driving.  Sure, someone with a perfect photographic memory will be able to recall the car, the license plate, even the distance between the other car, but when you ask them to name the songs?  No, they will have as hard a time as the rest of us.  Yet again under hypnosis, you'll be able to tell all the car details, the plate and every song--in order.  Interesting?  Maybe a little scary.  It's not that we only use less than 10% of our minds.  It's that we only use 10% consciously.

So, now who cares?  Well, all this discussion, and we've only talked about 10% of who any of us are.  That's it.  But is it?   We are not just a personality and the differences between them.  Briggs-Myers for decades tried to tell us what personalities would work better with other personalities.  Who we should marry, who we should work with, what we should work at, what we are better at.  But our personalities don't tell you that.  Our intellect tells you that.  Are some personalities more likely to be engineers versus finance?  No, the incorrect testing did that.  We became convinced that certain people were more capable, less capable, more desirable, less desirable.  In fact, with the more simple tests like Briggs-Myers, we have encouraged people into certain positions.  For example, it was considered at initial launch of these personality analyses that women were more likely to be the more docile, more "pleasing" personalities.  Was that true?  Or was it a sign of the times and women being inflicted with having to fit into certain boxes and certain norms?  The conscious mind was answering the questions.  The conscious mind is able to pretend to be what it feels it needs to be.  If you look at current testing of women, more and more are actually moving into what Briggs and Myers used to define as a "less desirable" personality types.  Maybe the percentages are even wrong because some people feel like they have to be something else.  Grams used to say eventually someone's "true colors" come out.  What if there was nothing wrong with the color spectrum and we were using things like personality tests to subvert the colorful personalities of the world?  

Now, here's the kicker.  I know Briggs-Myer used to tell us what personalities we are more compatible with.  I don't remember reading that in my book on the Enneagram personalities, so I double checked.  Briggs-Myers does actually try to tell us who we will work with best in relationships, at work, blah, blah, blah.  But isn't that a nice negative box for us all to live in?  What if we have simply been forcing ourselves to believe that we are only suited for certain types, certain people and should only be around certain types and people because these tests lead us down that path?  On the other hand, the Enneagram makes no such claim.  It, in fact, states that depending upon the goals (as far a company's goals) that it is better to have a more diverse team.  It focuses on the mental health more so than the actually personalities at that point.  For obvious reasons, the less mentally healthy, the less capable of working with others regardless of personality would be less desirable.  Sure, an Entertainer is probably desirable to take the edge off terse situations, but what happens if it is the Entertainer in the situation?  How do they handle it?  This comes into the mental level, not the personality.  The Enneagram also doesn't suggest perfect or even good matches for personal relationships.  It's taken this out of the equation.  This is probably more accurate.  Think about it.  How many times do you meet a couple that is perfectly happy and personality wise they don't seem to match?   It's not what makes a good couple or a good team.  In fact, a more diverse team makes a better team....

Intellectual capability is going to define what someone can or cannot achieve, but even then, there are societal norms that eat us alive.  Some of these can be blamed on the personality testing methods and concepts of the past, but not all.  One of my really good friends is a high school drop-out.  Yes, you read that right.  I met her while I was in college after getting out of the military.  A friend at the time pointed out that she was "poor white trash" and suggested that I write her off.  "Don't waste" my time, my friend told me.  That was almost 20 years ago.  She's probably an Investigator or ISFP if we were to type her.  Regardless of personality, she's actually one of the more intellectual people I know.  She reads quite a bit.  She's very detail oriented and notices things that other people miss.  Coming from a family of teachers, I know all she ever really needed was a teacher to take a genuine interest and encourage her intellectual ability.  None of which was defined by her personality.  She didn't achieve, not because of her personality type and not because of lack of intellect.  She simply didn't achieve because she was put in a box.  The box was societal, but I believe that societal boxes have been furthered by old mindsets on personality and intellect also.  She couldn't be that smart because she was born "white trash" and therefore the teachers didn't bother with her. The other day she told me she was reading law books, family law specifically, because of something in her personal life.  I listened as she explained some of the things that she had learned.  While others might be dumbfounded that a high school dropout had this ability, I'll remind you that one of our greatest Presidents, Lincoln, was a self educated lawyer.  No formal schooling whatsoever.  Since my friend was both white trash and an unusual personality in the deep south in the 1970s, they simply wrote her off.  To shame, too shame.

But to what point then do we use personality testing?  Well, for one, companies are using these.  Ideally, hopefully the ones using them are realizing that it's so they can create a more diverse environment where teams can bring more ideas to the table and to fruition, rather than the limiting idea that you need everyone of like mind to succeed.  In a relationship, it's probably more bullshit than anything.  Nice to know how the personality will respond, but this is going to vary and each personality in the relationships is going to have to learn to deal with the other even if they are pretty similar.  No people are ever going to be exactly the same.  As far as mental health level, well, that is really up to the person and what is going on in their lives at that time.  So, it's probably basically useless overall for anyone anymore.  Boxes upon boxes.  

However, there is some use for us as individuals, and it might be nice to know since more and more companies are focusing on it.  The Enneagram's RHETI test is going to tell you what personality you are.  But it's going to tell you even more.  It's going to provide an opportunity for you to get to know you.   Consciously, you're going to answer questions and it's going to box who you are into one of 27 places.  But it's going to tell you about your mental health and how to improve it.  Here's a unique opportunity.  While maybe our outer personalities are the 10% of the test, there are some correlations between it and our subconscious.  It's the mental health portion.  Those 10 levels they really can't test.  That's where you have to be more self conscious and more aware.  These tests used to be extremely expensive, but you can now take the RHETI yourself for $12 USD.  (https://tests.enneagraminstitute.com/test/1/code

No, I don't normally endorse a lot of things, but if you've read this far, maybe you want to get to know you.  I mean sure you know you.  I know me.  But there are some things that you get better when someone points it out to you.  (Don't shake your head.  We all know that it's always easier to see something from the outside looking in, even if we have to take the glass (filters) that someone is looking in with into account.)  But these tests online have no filters.  They don't know you, so the basics of who you are, well, that's going to be you, at least the conscious you.  I'm not sure that it helps you deal with other people by knowing either.  But the insight might help you be a better you.  I'm not convinced that most people want to be a better themselves anymore.  But if you are, here's a helping hand, and isn't that what any personality, intellect or capability test is really about?  Not comparing ourselves to others, but giving us a little insight into ourselves so that we can be the best that we can be?  

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