Shoot for the Stars - 2017 Holiday Blog

This time of year I try to do a couple different "staple" blogs--one is related to the "holiday' season and the other is a New Year's goals.  For the holiday blog, I wait for some inspiration and it's usually directly related to the holidays.  This year my inspiration started with a rainy morning and ended with a friend talking about her son.  What did the two have in common?  Two young men--one trying to better himself by walking to work in the rain to pay for school and another who's mother wants him to go to a tech school or college.  But that's not what both of them had in common.  Similar stories, but the punchline to both were the same.  Others are telling them that they can't, shouldn't, that school isn't important, and the worst of the worst, the one's father is telling him that his life is good enough for the son.  I mean really, "the good enough for me, good enough for you"?  So this blog isn't for all you idiots that tell other people to fail, because you yourself are incapable or are just too lazy to become what you were meant to be.  This blog is for those two young men and everyone that is in a similar situation, whether male or female.  For all of you that dream of going to school to be a police officer or a doctor or a dental hygienist or whatever requires you to put a little or even a lot into yourself, into your education and takes more effort than working an hourly job and struggling to pay your bills for the majority of your life.

First and foremost, if you dream it, you can achieve it.  Sure, there's only one President of the United States and plenty of kids think they might want to be President and never do become President, even if they go to an Ivy League school.  But no one that has an Ivy League education is starving to death unless they choose to.  I won't lie to you.  With education, all dreams aren't achievable, but without one, no dreams are achievable.  We're not talking about social dreams.  Perhaps, you dream of getting married and having children.  This portion of the dreams in your life are available no matter what your professional dreams are.  But what is it you want to achieve for yourself?  No one should tell you what you want to achieve in life.  There's only one person that will have to live with your decisions--good or bad, and that's you.  Your dreams can either be inspiration or just wishful thinking that you eventually look back on with regret and have to reconcile with.  You make decisions that can help you achieve your dreams or you can give up.  There's nothing wrong with your dream being to work hourly on a plant floor for the rest of your life.  I have plenty of friends that this has been more than enough for them and they have been content.  But if you are someone who dreams of something different, you will never be happy making decisions that keep you from trying.  You will eventually resent the people who held you back, but in a weird twist, you will actually resent the people who have achieved in some cases.

Why would you resent those that did what you wanted to do?  It's human nature.  Deep down you give up a piece of who you are when you don't try to achieve your dreams.  I had a good friend who married right out of high school.  She was going to go to college.  She was going to go to Paris, NYC, and she wanted to design clothes for the runways of major fashion shows.  Okay, yes, sure that all sounds a bit unrealistic in real life.  She might have ended up being an art teacher, or while in college she might have been inspired to go into architecture since she was actually fascinated by art--all art including drawings, paintings, architecture.  She might have started college and in some wonderful strange twist became an art restorer.  Yes, it's a real job that major museums and even the Vatican have.  A whole job just centered around restoring and preserving some of the most beautiful creations of some of the most talented people in history.  How do I know about this particular job?  Well, someone she met, not even sure how she knew the lady, was one of these and she hated her.  In my friend's mind, this woman had somehow taken her dreams.  Of course, that was idiotic, but the resentment was real.

So she got married, got pregnant shortly after which ended her plans of college, and eventually had a couple of kids and the fairy tale that started with a beautiful wedding...ended with a divorce and her struggling to find a job just to help her make ends meet.  But what made very little sense to me at the time was how angry she was at her ex because she hadn't gone to college.  This had been her decision afterall, right?  But it hadn't.  Perhaps if her fairy tale had the ending we grow up thinking of, she wouldn't have cared right?  But it's a 50/50 shot that a marriage will work, and right out of high school it actually has less than a 2% chance of making it.  If you get married right out of high school (or before), you have a 98% plus chance of divorce.  The odds are not in your favor.  So in her case, they were in that 98%; it didn't work.  What I eventually realized is that it really wasn't her decision to give up her dreams.  She had thought she had to give them up, and in her mind, it was all his fault.  Was it really his fault?  No.  She had made a series of decisions that landed her where she was at.  Now, perhaps many of those decisions were pushed by others, even her ex, in a direction different than what she really wanted.  But ultimately, the decision was hers.  And no matter what, these decisions that others might be pushing you into are yours.  You won't have anyone to blame but yourself.  Giving up your dreams because mom or dad or whoever is telling you to, no.  They might have bullied you, but in the long run, it was always your decision.

Of course, how would I know?  I lived most of my life by the time I was 16 being told what I was going to do and having little impact on changing any of it.  I was regularly told what I was capable of and even having a fairly regular input belittling me compared to another family member.  I understand being told what you are capable of and what you should be doing from both the positive and negative aspects.  In truth, there's not a single one of us that aren't told by someone growing up what we can or cannot achieve.  Some parents actually push and push to the point one might want to walk away and go their own direction.  Others might constantly be told they aren't smart enough.  When you look around you, know that everyone has someone telling them what they can or cannot achieve and even what might appear like positive reinforcement might not be.  You haven't got the ability to compare your circumstances to theirs.  Don't focus on how much "better" or "supportive" another person's circumstances might be.  You might be starting behind the proverbial curve ball, or you might be starting well ahead.  But when all is said and done, it's still your your energy, your efforts and your decisions that will allow you to achieve and make your dreams into your reality.

Perhaps you know exactly what you think you want to be.  Perhaps you only have an idea of what.  But if either of those suggest you need a college education, then no matter what they say, you need to think about you.  It's okay to not "know", and it's perfectly okay to figure it out first.  Not everyone can afford to go to college for a couple of years just to "figure it out", and that's okay too.  Maybe you need to save some money first, because you are starting behind that "curve ball" due to financial limitations.  Again, don't let someone tell you that money or you not being exactly sure keep your dreams at bay.  Another thing some people will tell you is they don't use any of their high school education or classes and they do just fine.  So one thing you need to keep in mind is that the degree is the background knowledge needed to do your dream job.  You've heard someone say, "Another day of not using algebra".  Well, if you go grocery shopping, live on a budget and have to decide how much you can spend on what, well, here's a just a fact.  They all are using algebra every single day.  The fact they don't recognize it as algebra, because what little they absorbed of what they learned is how successful they are at balancing their budget.  They need it and they don't even know they are using it.

Let's say you can't decide two or four years.  If you decide to go to a two year school and get an associate's degree, you'll have less "fluffy" classes.  Most of the classwork will be directly related to what you want to do.  We as a society need machinists, robotics technicians, dental hygenists, bookkeepers, etc.  But you'll still have "fluffy" classes.  The extra English is so that you will sound more polished when dealing with people that have higher educations.  The extra math coursework will almost always be applicable to coursework associated with your chosen discipline.  The truly "fluffy" classes like art history electives you'll manage to completely avoid.  Of course, let's say you want a bachelor's.  Those extra extra "fluffy" classes are to make you even more well rounded.  Give you more of the world, a bigger picture, so that you can go beyond just fixing problems but see beyond to critical thinking and how to come up with solutions to problems.  No degree above associate's actually is all of what the job is.  It's going to be the building blocks to go into a career.  At the bachelor's level and higher, you will get what you effort you put in.  I know some people with bachelor's degrees that may as well have nothing but a high school diploma.  I had a boss once with a bachelor's in marketing and an MBA.  You would think she wouldn't understand when I explained engineering projects to her.  She understood the basics enough to understand project goals.  I understood finances enough to add the things that she was actually concerned about.  On the other hand, I had another boss with an engineering degree who couldn't engineer his way out of a paper bag with a pair of scissors.  She had walked away with a better education from the same university as him.  How?  Effort in equals the knowledge you get out of it, regardless of which degree or major you choose.

Most importantly, remember all these people usually telling you don't "need" this or "need" that really have no idea what you will need or what you won't need.  I cannot even tell you what you will or won't need.  I was great at statistics.  I'm an engineer.  These seem completely unrelated.  Unless you end up as a root cause analysis engineer or quality engineer.  Then statistics will be a way of life regularly if not daily.  Sometimes it's just a quick calculation in my head, but sometimes it's a long drawn out DOE (design of experiment) that is very detailed and requires a lot of knowledge and applying that knowledge.  I didn't know I would "need" it eventually.  I thought it was just a required "fluffy" class.  Turns out I was wrong.  I didn't even know what I was going to need, so you might not know what you will "need" yet.  Therefore, be realistic when people tell you that you don't "need" something.  You can't know for sure, so they definitely don't know.

Don't be afraid to be you, follow your dreams, turn your dreams into reality by setting goals, going to school and achieving those goals.  This is how your dreams will become your reality.  No one should try to take those away from you.  But dreams aren't tangible until you've done all the work to bring them to fruition, right?  The person standing in your way telling you to accept failure before you even get started is definitely tangible.  But no matter how tangible they are, they aren't going to be paying your bills are they?  They aren't going to be living your life.  You will be.  You should live your life; achieve the dreams you want to.  Are you going to use all the tools, everything you ever learned in high school, in a two year college or four year university?  No.  You aren't, but you won't know what you're going to use until you get into a career.  Most people with a high school education have a job.  They work hourly.  They do the same thing over and over.  Most people with a two year degree are very skilled and have skills that others do not have.  Their jobs can be very challenging and rewarding, not just financially but in the sense of accomplishment.  The four year degrees open up more challenges, more rewards, and yes generally more financially.  Like everything, you will get what you put in.  Don't not put in effort because someone else tells you no.  Put in the effort as you choose and you can achieve those things that you dream of.  This Christmas, or whatever holiday you might celebrate, remember you can achieve.  Shoot for the stars and you will be thrilled even if you only hit the moon.   

Catfishing much?

So catfishing is a relatively newer term that mainly refers to lying about oneself online to "lure" others into relationships.  Mainly these lies are those that you see in online dating profiles, but also on Facebook, Twitter or other social media platforms.  I have one friend on my FB that has literally hundreds of men that she has never met and probably never will.  I don't see the appeal at all.  I know everyone on my FB, even if I don't know them in person.  I might know them through work or something else.  But complete strangers?  No, I find this a bit odd.  Sure I've been online dating, and they estimate that 90%, seriously 90% of all profiles are basically lies in online dating.  In fact, MTV even has made a show about this called, you probably can guess, "Catfish".  I watched a couple episodes and in some cases, I started to feel sorry for some of the "catfish".  I mean some of them are so afraid of rejection they are just trying to make a connection.  You can tell they know it's wrong, but they didn't exactly mean for it to get as far as it did.  Others are just trying to pretend to be someone else--either because they want to be who they want to be but feel like they can't be in real life or because they don't want to be who they want to be but there's no way they're going to be who they actually want to be.  So I was going to focus on the dating aspect, but then as I started to do some background research, holy crap Batman!  Do you realize 60% of people lie regularly?  Doesn't matter whether they are single, married, "good" or "bad" people, whatever.  In fact, the average adult lies 2 to 3 times a day.  In fact, when completing a comparison of truth versus online social accounts, 75% of the people are lying.  Wow.  Just wow.  And that's not just the millennials.  Nope.  While the millennials may be verbally lying more, that average is based on the entire population.  We all know the younger some people are, the more insecure, the more inexperienced, the more likely to lie.  But what this all tells us?  People lie.

So, what about the truth?  There are 18% of people who have no lies on their social media.  Now, they didn't quantify "lie".  I have a sister who is closer than blood to me, but not actually blood related.  The fact I call her my sister might be considered a "lie" by some, but others might not.  If you've had a great family, then calling anyone other than blood might seem misleading.  On the other hand, anyone that has gotten married is now family with their spouse and most certainly not blood--unless total inbred trash.  We won't go there.  Other than that I picked apart my own social media.  I don't really have anything else that's a "lie" on there.  So depending upon that family definition, which I personally don't call a "lie", I basically would be the 18% or perhaps the group between 18-25% that is still being honest on their profiles.  Of course, again, highly dependent upon your definition of "truth".  Many of us view "truth" as full disclosure.  I don't think some things are anyone's business, so I sure as hell won't put it out on the internet.  Most of us have various layers to ourselves, and many of us won't put the deepest layers of ourselves out there in person, so it stands to reason that a lot of us don't put much more than the outer layers online.  That's not really a lie to me.  It may not be the whole truth, but it's still truth.  The only other place I see a lot of "lying" is in pictures.  People often have much older pictures of themselves.  Not really a lie.  Not really the whole truth either.  A lot of people take the most flattering picture of themselves for use online.  While using filters and other photo adjustments has become common place, arguably those "touched up" photos aren't honest.  So arguably, 18% at that point might easily be those that you find no discrepancies.  The article that had this percentage didn't specify what level of "truth" was used.

Of course, no matter what then 82% of people mislead others online, but how many people are "catfishing" in person?  I mean come on.  During the research for this blog, it became painfully obvious that the reason there is a show about "catfishing" is lying has become so common place that people are seeking out how to discern fact from bullshit.  A simple Google search had all kinds of articles from legitimate news sources to legitimate science pages to social media style blogs and discussions--even a couple websites dedicated to helping us learn how to discern a liar.  In fact, one scientific study conducted with 13,000 participants, found that most people are only able to pick out lies 56% of the time.  It identified less than 0.02% of the people out of the study that could regularly pick out the lies.  It even gave them a name "wizards"--31 out of 13K.  No kidding.  Definitely "wizards".  Of the 31 "wizards" it was unclear what the common factor was.  They came from different walks of life, different education levels and different parts of the country.  One profession was more common--attorneys--albeit it did not specify what type of law or even how many of the 31 were lawyers.  Certainly, one thing the study pointed out is that practice seemed to improve the ability.  While there was no improved ability in law enforcement to the overall populace, one group of law enforcement did score significantly better than the average score.  Secret Service personnel seemed to have a much better ability in picking out lies.  Of course, the study hypothesized this difference is because they have to be better at reading non-verbal cues since that is a large percentage of protecting some of the people they protect in crowds. 

In an effort to understand the "biggest liars", there has long been links to "childhood trauma" .  On one side is a link to the "human lie detector".  The above study though would seem to negate that possible link.   Of the 31 "wizards", the percentage that suffered early trauma was equal to the average percentage of the overall populace that experiences early trauma.  Considering the size of the sample for this study, it would stand to reason that most likely "childhood trauma" is not linked to being able to tell lies from truth.   However, "childhood trauma" is directly related consistently with the opposite.  In studies dating back as early as the 1930s, severe childhood traumas have been linked to sociopathic disorders.  Sociopaths are people who have no remorse for their own "wrong-doing".  Over the last century, studies consistently support that some childhood traumas can be linked to various sociopathic issues.  While sociopaths and narcissists have similar issues, sociopaths are more disturbing in the fact they realize that their behavior isn't considered the norm or appropriate and develop ways to manipulate and lie to others consistent with hiding their own self serving behaviors. While it is still unclear what these are because there doesn't seem to be a straight path from childhood trauma to sociopathic liar, there are certain categories of "childhood trauma" that are more likely to produce a sociopath.  In fact, 81% of sociopaths report severe childhood trauma linked to severe physical and/or sexual abuse.  Of course, it's hard to know how true this is, because part of the pathology of sociopaths is that they create lies to cover their own lack of sympathy and empathy.  The only thing that has become apparent is that not all severely abused children become sociopaths (thus unclear all the factors that go into making a sociopath).  No studies can explain why some do and others don't.  There is some evidence that the younger a child at the time is the more likely they can overcome it while pre-teen and teenagers are more likely to develop lying to a fine art form.  Honestly, it's more likely from observations over the years that it is dependent on so many factors that while we can generalize the responses, a certain percentage will be sociopaths while another percentage will be "normal" and yet another will be shrieking violets.  Pick one.  Just know that trauma has the potential to create liars. 

Of course, nowadays, it's almost become the "popular" thing to be the drama and trauma.  Look at how ridiculously popular reality television has become.  We know most of these people are liars.  We even get to watch it as it plays itself out.  Lying has become the norm.  As the old adage goes, "if you can't tell the truth about yourself, you can't tell it about others."  People, 82% of people lie regularly.  A couple times a day.  Think about the last lie you told.  Now, let's quantify that.  Not an omission of truth.  A flat out lie.  Was it a white lie?  A lie to your boss or co-worker why you were late?  Because of traffic instead of sex with your new girlfriend.  A lie to your friend why you didn't feel like meeting her out?  You were busy instead of saying you didn't feel like taking a shower.  Or was it something pretty heinous?  Like telling your husband that you didn't answer his call because you were calling VISA while in reality you were having sex with his brother.  I mean you know.  Massive lie.  It seems that we allow for certain lies.  I can't stand lies, but even I tell "white" ones.  What exactly is a "white" lie.  One that has absolutely "zero" harm or covering up harm.  It's no one's business if you're single and you've started dating someone new that you were running late because you wanted to spend 5 more minutes with the person than you really had.  I used to tell people it was none of their business.  Lots of people don't like this answer even when the truth is it's none of their business.  Eventually, I got to the point that if I didn't want to tell them I wouldn't outright lie, but I'd try to tell the truth while omitting the truth that I felt wasn't their business.  Where were you?  I was watching a movie.  I left out that I was a theater seeing a movie because this particular friend eats popcorn with her mouth open.  Plus she doesn't like action flicks and she'll talk through the movie.  And I know if I had told her I was at a theater, the only way she wasn't going to want to know who with (no one) and why I didn't ask her to come along would be if I left out a detail.  She assumed I was watching a movie at home, and dropped the inquiry from there.  Was it a lie?  No.  But it wasn't totally true either. 

The problem is that so many people lie about almost everything anymore it's nauseating.  I have a buddy who is a pretty smart guy.  The thing I find most annoying about him is that he pretends to be an utter dumbass.  I enjoy talking with him, but since most of the people that know him think of him as an idiot most of my friends don't really get why I bother to talk to him at all.  It all seems to be part of his act.  He likes to think of himself as a player for the most part, and it draws in the nature of many women to "help".  I think it's laughable.  But he lives in this "persona" in front of most of the people that he knows.  At what point is the persona "real" or "fake"?  Not really my problem.  He's not really harming anyone but himself.  I'm sure a couple of people would argue he "hurts" some of the women he's used with this act, and that's a perfectly valid argument.  I have to admit that I find the act nauseating, so most of the time I don't interact with him other than superficially.  I'm not going to pretend to be in favor of his deceptions, but unless I'm directly impacted I try to stay out of it.  One thing most of us all learn is that someone who wants to believe the lies will defend the liar. 

Of course, a good friend of mine once told me "even a liar doesn't want to be with a liar".  We knew two people that lie more than a thousands rugs on a floor.  Yet, when the guy found out the chick was this massive liar, he somehow seemed bewildered and pissed that the woman he was with was a bigger liar than he dreamt of being.  Ironic, right?  Of course, on the other side of the coin, often people that are honest have a hard time because it's almost become where lies are accepted as truths and truth is automatically ignored as lies.  I am very factual.  Facts and honesty should go hand in hand, but many of us are starting to realize that honesty has almost become a relative aspect.  Honesty is supposed to be presenting the truth, but with so many lying, truth has become less facts and more opinion.  Honest opinions aren't even important anymore.  A lie has started to sound more appetizing.  Still "a lie will hurt over and over while the truth will only hurt once".  The lie needs to be compounded with more lies to help prop it up, so there is the fact that lie upon lie upon lie will hurt over and over.  But there is also the point that a lie may not hurt in the moment it was told, but eventually all truths come out.  The lie will hurt then as will the truth, and on top of that the deception.  Is it worth it? 

I've been told that I'm overly honest.  Well, I've already admitted that I am, but I am not.  I don't always tell the whole truth.  It's not deceit, but it's not full disclosure.  However, I deal in facts and facts are truth.  My opinion of the facts or truth are not always as forgiving, but I try to always deal with the facts first and my thoughts on them second.  What the "wizards" in that study all have in common, a high intellect (regardless of education) and a strong desire and motivation to get it "right".  I'm honest and factual for those reasons.  I desire to have it "right".  What most of these studies might be missing is that most people don't want it "right".  Don't get me wrong; they aren't wanting it full of lies either.  But the desire to have it the way they would like it to be rather than the way it actually is...well, this seems to make sense why so many people lie about even little things.  It's like filters on pictures to make oneself look "prettier" and "younger" than someone actually is.  It's a lie.  A little white lie depending on how much of the filter is used and how much deception is actually intended by the filter.  People are okay with the lies and can only detect them 56% of the time because they basically want to be lied to.  I mean think about how many people meet someone online and still send money to basically some complete stranger after only talking to them online for a short time.  Even though everyone knows there are these scam artists out there lying and telling them exactly what they want to hear, there are still people that believe it.  Is it really because they are that gullible?  Yes and no.  They really want to believe the lies rather than face the facts, the truth.  Most people have a hard time being honest with themselves in some way.  Although I have very few things that I don't like to think about, even I would prefer in those few things to a prettier picture than the difficult unpleasantness of the facts and truth.  So I can empathize why some of us want so desperately to believe others' lies. 

Yet, in believing others' lies it's not just us that are the ones being "catfished" but many of us become the "catfish" also.  I'm happy with who I am, so I don't have to "lie" about who I am to anyone--but more importantly I don't lie to myself.  I know my limitations and although I would love to tell you that I work on those imperfections every day, that would be a lie.  I don't and honestly I don't think my imperfections are necessarily bad compared to someone who lies about who they are to others and in most of those cases to themselves.  Are you going to be able to pick them out?  No.  I have become pretty good over the years at picking them out, but you have to actually give them enough time for you to figure out who is and who isn't lying.  And, no matter how hard psychologists try to tie liars to some type of trauma or defect, the truth is that if 90% of us lie almost daily it has absolutely nothing to do with trauma.  There are a slew of reasons each of us do, and yes, sociopaths do it because they literally are trying to deceive others as do con artists.  But "catfishing" is a way of life for them.  And whatever excuse they have for being deceptive doesn't give the rest of us a pass to be equally heinous.  But all those filters that we try to smoke screen ourselves into being who others want us to be, well, that is the problem isn't it?  None of us can pretend to be something we are not forever.  It's a lot of work, lies upon lies upon more lies.  Just typing it is exhausting me.  Adolf Hitler said "if you tell a big enough lie often enough, it will be believed".  Of course, while he ruled for more than a decade, we know the destruction his lies created.  All lies eventually are overcome by the truth, as history tells us over and over.  We all reap what we sow, and no lie should be worth being considered a bottom feeder. 

exactly where I am supposed to be...

There's a lot to say about moving forward, even though I always thought leaving where I've lived the longest in my life was a good idea.  It might have been.  When my sister's mother died, I was living back where her mother and my mother were from.  No matter what decision I have made based on facts and plans, I've always added my heart into the final decision.  That feeling that you get in base of your mind or your heart or tummy, whatever, that tells you this is the right decision or the wrong decision.  While certain things haven't worked as I have planned, why I have gotten used to having back up plans to back up plans, eventually hindsight being 20-20 I have always discovered why I am where I am at.  To be honest, after I moved away for a promotion, I always got this nagging feeling like I was supposed to be back here.  Eventually that nag turned into a large whine that never seemed to shut off.  So I started to run through the logical reasons to move back.  The people that were always there for my boys and me were my sister and her family.  There's a lot to be said about family, especially the family you choose.  While I have a lot of very close friends all over the country and even a couple that are living ex-pat, the majority of my good, close and even best friends are here.  My youngest while less than happy with the idea; logically, it improved his odds of getting into a better university.  But anyone that truly knows me knows that I'm pretty private (ironic when you consider my blog) and in truth I have a habit of wanting to try new things.  This isn't exactly the ideal location for that, but in all honesty, everywhere I have lived isn't exactly the ideal location for new adventures.  So why in the heck am I back here?

First, no matter where you go in the United States, short of areas that have military bases, the majority of people have grown up there, never been anywhere else except for a week at a time, never really experienced something new.  Even a large majority that have served in the military, most of them go home after a tour or two and never venture away again.  Those of us that are "wanderers" by heart are a very unique and rare breed.  But this area has been in growth mode for over 20 years since BMW built a plant in the Greenville area.  "Transplants" are a large percentage of the population, so similar to larger Southern cities it has become a bit of an oasis.  Asheville NC has become a very diverse artsy area with beautiful scenic mountains and valleys that would impress a lot of Euro tourists.  Greenville itself has been tooted as one of the top 10 cities in the United States to visit for restaurants.  Downtown Greenville offering a lot of diversity in cuisine and talent.  The impact of European and the rest of the United States having so much influence is that one of the best philly cheese steaks I've had is in Easley SC at a place called Inky's.  I have a friend from New York that is set on finding a real slice of NY style pizza, and neither of us have found one yet.  But I have this aching feeling that there is one somewhere.  People typically move down here for a job, but it's a place most people fall in love with.  But of course, there's still something that many of us just don't really get about the area.  That pesky never been anywhere, never done anything.  This is the way it is and this is the way it's always going to be.

Sure, I'm talking about something about the Southern mentality.  There are some things about my Southern friends that I wouldn't change.  They tend to get loyalty better than other parts of the country, and I feel like I'm pretty much experienced enough in almost every area of the country to say this is true.  When I got back here 4 years ago, my best friends and closest friends were right there to welcome me back.  It's hard to explain since I always have friends wherever I have lived that I'm still friends with.  I get reminded of that on Facebook all the time, and I'm not trying to diminish their loyalty to me or vice versa.  But when we talk about people getting it on a larger, societal scale, well, it's just like that.  It is a double edge sword of course.  Some people here think that loyalty to them should mean that you can't be loyal to people they don't like.  It's like high school mentality on crack.  I've always been one of those people who doesn't really care one way or the other if you like me, because I really don't care about anyone I don't like.  If I don't like someone, I simply don't give them a second thought.  But that switch on what I really like in this area is that some people here will spend a lot of time trying to put others down.  Keep them in their place, and they use that wonderful loyalty I'm bragging about to extend their likes and dislikes upon their friends.  Not really different than other places, but at the same time, it can also get out of control.  It gets to the point that you feel like you are dealing with 40, 50, even 60 somethings that never left high school.  Loyalty to your friends should not be dependent on you being accepted by other friends.  At that point, anywhere not just here, that's not friendship.  You should be able, as an adult, to be loyal to two friends that don't like each other without compromising your friendship with either.  Of course, there are plenty of people here that are loyal to who they choose to regardless of other people's inputs, so I'm not here because of that.

A millennial engineer I work is married to a young woman who is from another part of the South, and of course, they love it here, because it's not as "bad" as where she's originally from.  They both are very educated; she has a master's degree in her field.  She gets pissed when some man tries to tell her what her job is.  She knows what her job is.  She's probably overqualified for her job.  And this probably is a reason that both she and I and even others like us are here.  This whole females have their place may have went out the window in most of the USA where women put together bombs, tanks, et cetera in World War II.  But here, women have still been pretty limited until the last 20-25 years.  When I first graduated from college I used to volunteer to speak at middle and high schools in a prevention program to encourage girls to finish high school, maybe go on to college.  Get them out of this get knocked up, have kids, marry, and hopefully be taken care of for the rest of their lives mentality.  A young girl in one class told me that it didn't matter because everything was supposed to be paid for by a man.  This was only 12 years ago.  The drop-out rate for girls at the time was almost 50%.  While it might be all fine and dandy to marry your high school sweetheart, I have a couple friends that did and are still happily married to this day, it's also not very realistic with almost a 50% divorce rate.  Young women need to be able to support themselves.

Of course, it's not just about being able to support yourself.  There's a lot to be said to feeling like you are contributing.  God, assuming you believe in some form of God, didn't make all women dumb baby factories.  In fact, if you go by average scores in elementary and middle/junior high schools, girls typically do better in school, particularly in math and sciences.  If the surrounding society limits these gifted young women to female stereotypes, especially if the most acceptable is baby factory, we limit the entire society.  If they have been born with talent to design buildings, debate and understand legal ramifications, to determine how matter works, or phenomenal with numbers and accounting, what a huge waste for them to be limited by society to baby factory.  We all know this is another double edged sword.  Men are just as capable of being great caregivers, but this stereotype and forced societal norm makes it difficult for some people to see that.  Contribution to society should be based on individual gifts and talents, not what sex you happened to be born as.  And, anyone that has ever been complimented on a job well done knows what I'm talking about.  Imagine never having that opportunity.  Yes, I know it still happens in other regions of the US, but I know it happens here far more than anywhere else since I have had the opportunity to observe other regions.

No one can argue that I don't think of myself as equal to any man.  I shower, get dressed, go to work, just like anyone else does.  But I was raised that way.  I met a wonderful Southern gentleman who probably was raised with a lot of these stereotypes who's daughter is an Army officer.  A young woman who worked very hard to earn an assignment in the military police.  She believes in herself probably a lot in part because of him.  For a woman, speaking from experience, your father figures have the most impact in believing in yourself in spite of old stereotypes and societal pressures.  But honestly, as I sat questioning my God why am I here?  Again?  I mean logically I should've headed for a beach somewhere.  I know my sister, my friends, they are all very logical reasons for me to be here.  I love working in automotive.  I love being an engineer.  This is a great place for it.  But why here and not a beach somewhere or at least close to one?  There are other examples here besides me, so not my "responsibility", right?  I have a friend that was in the Army--she's a phenomenal example of strong woman in a man's field too.  Then, as I'm having this "struggle", a woman asks me if that's a Clemson ring on my hand.  She looks it over and notices the "BS" on the side.  She asks me if I work.  Of course I work.   She asks what my "BS" is in and I tell her mechanical engineering.  "Ohhhh that's a man's job!!"  Ugh.  Not a man's job.  Really God.  That's why I'm here.  Sure.  I know plenty of us scattered in the area, but women in typically male roles in the area is much smaller than in other parts of the country.  I can count my friends and acquaintances that are in stereotypical male roles on my hands.  Very few of us.  Per capita we are not just a small group.  We are almost less than nominal.   So few that we barely make a dent.

Why am I back here?  I always knew I was somehow attached to this area, even before I moved here.  I don't believe in coincidences and if I went through all the coincidences that brought me here in the first place...just wow.  I even feel like leaving was only for my sister's sake.  Her mother's death was very rough on her and I was working less than 30 minutes away from her mother then.  What are the odds?  If everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe everything does, then I got my answer just by asking God the question.  That's not a man's job.  It's a job that I love.  I can't imagine working as anything else.  I think everyone should love their job as much as I love mine.  You spend 1/3 to 1/2 of your life at work.  Everyone should be able to love their job.  More importantly, no one should give up becoming what would make them so happy just because someone tells them that's a "man's" or a "woman's" job.  If a young man wants to be a nurse, he should be able to.  If a young woman wants to be an engineer, that shouldn't be ruled out by old ridiculous stereotypes.  She should have advocates and examples strong enough to pave the way.  It's not ideal.  Trust me.  I know this, but I trust in God and I got the message loud and clear.  I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

The fork on the road that you didn't choose...

Periodically, I am reminded by people that knew me back "when" that I used to be really sweet.  They still think of me as "really sweet".  Just a really nice, big pushover, over accommodating, try to make everyone else happy, all around sweetheart.  Now, that's not to say I didn't have my opinions and would vocalize them once in a while.  But I just was always trying to make everyone else happy, even if it meant at my own expense.  I like to say that I think of myself as equal to a man because of my grandfather.  That much has always been true, but I was also raised to be a true, what some might refer to as "old fashioned" lady.  I was just as much a making of my grandmother as I was his.  I imagine I might have stayed that way if I would've made different decisions in my life.  But sometimes those decisions aren't even really yours to make.  You come to a fork in a road.  You have a left fork or a right fork or you can go off roading, assuming you have a vehicle that allows you to.  Let's say you don't.  So left or right?  Well, that's your choice.  You can go backwards, but in the grand scheme of life, we know that's not truly possible.  So left or right?  Sure you choose one, but the fact you came to that fork?  You may or may not have had any real control getting to that particular fork in the first place.  At some point, all these lefts and rights turned me into an asshole.  I'm just not that sweet anymore.  Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not dishing it out to random people that don't ask for it, so I'm not a T total asshole.  But that sweet little pushover that took a lot of shit from people over the years?  No.  Not anymore.  I've pretty much become an asshole if someone pisses me off.

How did I come to this conclusion?  Well, this is going to seem a bit trivial, but it was a simple little thing that got me to thinking about it.  If my bill was wrong before, even probably in the last 3 years, I usually just paid it.  I didn't care if I was overcharged.  I was in fact so sweet that I would actually point out if I was undercharged, but never bother if I was overcharged.  Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous to some people because I know people who will make sure someone fixes their bill.  And actually pointing out when they're undercharged?  Well, in the grand scheme of things, as one of my friends put it once, "who cares".  She didn't say it as a question.  It was a statement. In fact, she was the one that pointed out I did this years ago.  I didn't change then.  I still muddled through correcting someone if I owed them, but never correcting them if they screwed me.  I don't know when exactly that changed, but I realized the other day that it has.  I made sure my bill was changed when it was wrong.  Who knew I had it in me?

Of course, it's not just that.  Twenty years ago most people were pretty shocked that I threw my ex out.  I mean really.  My best friend was proud of me for not taking his crap, but the funny thing is that I didn't throw him out for me.  I mean sure he was cheating, and I definitely deserved better.  But, I had a conversation with my then mother in law who begged me to make it "right", and in that moment, I thought of being her and having this same conversation down the road with a young woman like me that might be married to one of my sons.  My ex when we had been friends made it clear that he didn't respect his dad because of the way he cheated and treated his mother.  Yet, here I was in her relationship--we were a mirror image of his parents.  I didn't want to be on the other side of that call ever.  I wanted my boys to have a glimpse of a chance of having good marriages, and in that moment, I knew at least one of them would be guaranteed they wouldn't if I remained in that miserable existence.  I'm under no conclusion that I have made sure they will eventually have good marriages either, but I know that some young woman won't be listening to me plead with her to make my mistakes.  I really have no idea where the backbone to do that even came from frankly.  It was "strength" by some of my friends description.  But I can't tell you where it came from.  I wasn't an asshole then.

Some people wonder why I never took any of my relationships seriously since.  Was I an asshole?  Nope.  I just didn't want anyone else to suffer the consequences of my decisions.  My ex, bless his heart, used to call me on my birthday, Thanksgiving (proposal anniversary), New Year's Day (first son's birthday), Valentine's Day (used to be one of my favorite holidays--better than Christmas to me), and Saturday Memorial Day weekend (our anniversary, not the date mind you--that technically was the 23rd).  7 am.  His time.  Bahrain, Shanghai, who knows.  I was Eastern Standard time and it was annoying as hell, but my dumbass would answer the phone because he'd just keep trying if I didn't.   Looking back I should have just unplugged the phone, took it off the hook, something.  I was just too damn nice and he knew it.  Along the same lines, he sued me for 10 years, every year, for my birthday.  Yep, it's all public record.  I never counter-sued.  I let him use the court system to harass the hell out of me, until I hired an attorney who told me she was going to handle it once and for all.  I still didn't counter-sue, mind you.  Nope.  But she handled it.  The judge never even let my ex's attorney start.  He wanted to know why the idiot had served me for my birthday every year for the last 10 years, and he wasn't buying the "coincidence" answer.  Suffice to say, my attorney and the judge were the assholes to him that I needed to be.

Over the years, I've done this routine a lot.  Not just with a restaurant bill.  Not just my ex.  I would give up so to speak.  I had an abusive ex boyfriend.  Abusive enough to put me in the hospital once.  This isn't some unique story.  I know plenty of women that have been in these situations.  One shared her story with me this week.  Broke my heart to listen to what she went through.  She's strong, ornery, can be a real handful.  Rightfully so.  She's been through a lot, and I can empathize.  But when I walked away, I didn't say a word.  I didn't whine that I had been abused.   My closest friends knew, but he'd walk around like a peacock talking crap about me.  I pretended like nothing happened.  I simply moved on and hoped it would go away.  I did this with a myriad of situations.  Always the same approach.  Try to handle it the way my grandmother would.  But, this isn't the world my grandmother grew up in.  Hell, I'm pretty sure it isn't the same world I grew up in.  My grandfather raised me for the real world.  My grandmother raised me to hide behind my grandfather.  Except I didn't have a 6'5" husband to hide behind.  It took me a long time to realize I was hiding without any protection.  It sounds kind of silly, but mentally, internally that's how I processed it all.  I was trying desperately to cling to being that sweet, accommodating, fluffy, fuzzy, warm, wonderful woman my grandmother was.

In the last couple of years, I don't know.  That's changed.  I've only done a handful of mean things in my life.  I'm no saint.  But I just have never been truly mean overall.  Asshole?  Never in a million years...until now.  I mean I don't care if a man doesn't want to date me.  Big whoopie.  Most men don't like the idea of a woman making more money than they do anyway, and for the most part I make damn good money for a man, let alone a woman.  I'm good at my job.  Most men want to be more successful than their women--at least in my age category.  I may have even held myself back a little thinking I was somehow screwing myself out of an opportunity to have "happily ever after" if I got too successful.  You do realize that's just Disney bullshit they feed little girls even today??  It took me 4, yes 4 damn decades to realize that.  (My best friend has been telling me this for 2 decades.  She's laughing as she reads this I promise you.)  An aunt told me years and years ago, what seems like a lifetime ago, that God wasn't going to give me a girl because "the world wasn't ready for a girl raised by" me.  Yup.  I cried and cried and cried over that shit.  Now, I wish I would've cussed her slap happy out.  Should've taken a left turn there instead of the right.  I was a cream puff.  People would hurt my feelings and not give it a second thought.  In hindsight, a monster of my own making.  Make excuses for others bad behavior and you end up being made to look like and more importantly feel like the "bad guy" when it really is them.

Of course, this isn't just applicable to women like me.  Sure I know other women that have done this same thing, and some of them turned into assholes way before I did.  Kudos to them.  But I know plenty of guys working in my field that are big pushovers and have gotten the short end of the stick because they're too nice too.  I had a friend who was so nice to his ex, a cheating whore, that eventually even his kids were treating him like crap like she did.  He didn't get a backbone until one of the snotty brats demanded he buy her a car after she dropped out of college.  Screw her I told him.  It's always so much easier to be the asshole for someone else when you can't do it for yourself.  I was a little surprised he did it.  It just never seemed to be in him to stand up to the whore or the demon spawn she had created.  Good thing he did.  A couple years later in a strange twist of fate, he ended up finding out that particular little hell fire wasn't even his.  He really turned into an asshole then, but who can blame him?  Some people might be born assholes, but I think most of us are made.  The selfish, obnoxious, pieces of shit that take advantage of us over and over, time and time again, and after several of them one right after the other, those sweet people that we were are gone and replaced with assholes. 

Don't confuse pieces of shit with assholes either.  Pieces of shit are those loathsome creatures that crap all over other people.  They aren't assholes.  They are in complete shock when someone finally turns into an asshole.  It simply never occurs to them that there will be a negative response eventually to treating people like shit.  If they were assholes, they would know this.  They get away with it with so many people over time they just assume that they are the better, smarter and most deserving of being able to treat others poorly.  In fact, they are always the victims.  Someone else did it to them.  They're always trying to be the "better" person.  But those of us that actually are the better person?  Nope.  We roll over and pretend like it will all work out eventually.  Karma.  God.  Fate.  Something, somewhere, somehow will eventually put these pieces of shit in their place.  Yes, because eventually they will find that person that turned asshole and that particular asshole will have had enough from some other piece or pieces of shit to turn on this one in that moment, that place, that particular event, and bam.  Point out to them they are a piece of shit, because only an asshole would have the backbone to point out that a piece of shit is a piece of shit.

So yes, I've turned into an asshole.  I'll call out a piece of shit.  A spade is a spade is a spade.  I'm still all soft and fuzzy for some people.  I hated listening to the woman I mentioned earlier.  It broke my heart to listen to her story, but it's still a big wound for her.  Life wasn't fair to her, and she's made the best of it.  I admire that in a person and that makes me remember I still am a soft, fuzzy good person, so I listened.  I suggested counseling but she's not ready for it.  So I listened some more until she was done sharing.  Sometimes, you can be an asshole and still be the fuzzy, sweet person.  It's not that the fuzzy, sweet, soft part of you is gone.  It's just you realize that some people don't deserve soft and fuzzy or sweet.  They deserve a good swift kick in the patootie, as Grams would say.  A reality check.  But if being an asshole means not letting anyone take advantage of your good nature anymore, then accept it.  It's not going to change how the pieces of shit act.  It's just going to change how much shit you are willing to put up with.  You may have come to the fork in the road, but it's not always your choice what road you got put on.  Turn left or right, but don't let anyone shit on you.