Eventually though, having given up on those dating sites, the blog evolved into just random observations, then sometimes educational, fact checking...2015 was just trying to point out the obvious. No one that has ever claimed bankruptcy is a financial genius. No one. We all know it. Pointing it out should never have been necessary. But more often than not, it was still about my experiences. A pepper of my life with observations that might, maybe, help others.... Or at bare minimum have people laughing, or entertained, or even better, thinking.
My interest in writing didn't stop although the blog seemed to whimper out, even with a sabbatical, I came back to over 100 readers and then within months I was back at over 200. Then suddenly, it was recently pointed out that I had suddenly stopped again, only posting very rarely. I thought about that conversation where I was asked a simple question. Why?
Sure, I could tell you the staple answers. Easy answers for an "easy" question. Work, the job I actually get paid for. That wouldn't be honest. I did get busy, but this has always been like a weekly therapy session for me than a chore. Another easy answer would be that I got frustrated at the level of ignorance I was seeing on social media. Anyone who barely knows me would know that was a lie. Sure it was annoying, but I see annoyance, under educated misnomers via memes and repeated lies, as a challenge to the whole human race. A challenge to be stepped up to, knocked back on its ass with education and facts, not a thing to cower from and allow George Orwell's 1984 to become the new Bible. So... Why?
The simplest of all answers. My ex's wife was stalking it. He told me bits and pieces from a blog and said he didn't read it... His wife does. Then, not only his wife. I end up being told by a mutual friend, there's a couple of these women who stalk my blog for.... Who the hell knows. Two women who married the same clown who tricked me into what can only be described as the worst rebound relationship in history have such menial lives that somehow, even though they never knew each other in person, literally like a thousand miles apart, would stalk a blog from a 3rd woman they only had in common was a man, not even my ex. Nope, it's so ridiculous you just can't make that up. I could elaborate the details of many of the acts of mental illness I've observed over the years with these 3, let alone my ex. I could even try to explain it... Except only a really experienced, knowledgeable psychologist would be able to explain. I have no idea. But I didn't want to know. Ever. At all. Be honest, you read that and you are either laughing or saying "I wouldn't want to know if I was you either. Holy shit." Even those two are probably trying to say to themselves, "she's not talking about me".
However, at the revelation, I did suddenly want some privacy. I took to only writing on my FB and blocking both those women, the man the 3 of us had in common and my ex. There. Restored privacy.
Okay, yes, an illusion. My favorite actually. I like my privacy. People think I talk a lot, which I do. I'm a terrific writer for that reason. Depth and detail. But most people never realize I don't tell them much about me. I'll make tiny comments here and there about who I am, but most of the time you know a whole lot about the people around me and nothing about me. Refer to previous paragraph. I've told you more about them than I've let on about me. Yours truly prefers to be a shrinking violet. I know that sounds completely counter intuitive to anyone who thinks they know me. I don't like a lot of attention. I don't like the spotlight. I really feel a bit uncomfortable if someone brags about me. And, in spite of loving a good debate, I really can't stand to argue.
What? I think some people mix up the one thing that brings me out faster than a testarossa. I don't like bullies and I'll stand up against a bully, particularly in defense of someone else. But I find bullies exhausting and less then interesting. At a certain point, too predictable and boring. I enjoy a good conversation with someone who has facts and has given it some logical analysis. Love those people. But arguing just for arguing's sake? Nope. I'm going to go sit in my corner, people watch and make personal notes on human behavior. (I'm betting a couple of you are looking back and thinking "damn it, she did do that. A lot.")
Bigger surprise? Anyone that knows me can tell you something that shocks just about anyone that thinks they know me. They often demand that I grow a pair and stand up for myself. Odd? Not if you know me. The book's cover barely exposes the title page, let alone the chapters, perhaps volumes, that culminate into the story that's me.
So maybe now on reflecting, every lesson, every moron I've had to put up with, was simply because I didn't ever "fight back". I was under the delusion that play nice, or opossum, and eventually people, would go about their business and leave me alone. Sigh.... And there's why the blog ended. I wanted peace and quiet, and although I have no interaction with these crazy people, I didn't see why I would open them up to any of my thought processes.
But alas, I did say I had been reflecting, and truth be told, I don't really care. What little bits and pieces of me that I put here don't even scratch the surface of who I am. Layers upon layers. You can't be me. I've raced cars because I had no sense and it was in the blood. I jumped out of an airplane just to see what I would learn about myself (holy crap what I learned in just half a minute). I raised 3 boys on my own, financially and emotionally, because I never asked for a single penny increase in child support over 18 years even though an increase was warranted both legally and morally... And I did that just because I'm stubborn and wanted some peace. I made a really good living because I'm actually good at what I do, and that made it possible to never bother with increases in child support. I have "loaned" people in need money and told them to pay it forward. "Never loan anything you can't afford to give" as my grandfather used to say. Add in, I was a child prodigy, spoke 3 languages fluently as a child, skipped two grades. Graduated from a top university without any help from my family... after basically telling them off and going to do it the hardest way I could choose--all on my own. And still this just barely makes a tiny scratch of the surface of who I am.
My advice ladies? Quit reading my blog. I'm going to start writing again and frankly you will never measure up. Spare yourselves, because yes, you must feel a need to measure up if you are stalking this blog all these years. One of you has some serious issues. Fourth "wife" getting in contact with first wife online (or vice versa) and becoming "best" friends while stalking second "wife". Really don't care which of you nutjobs instigated the whole communique. Did you two even meet in person after all those years when my son was in that wreck almost 2 years ago? You were within an hour's drive... Seriously folks I'm not even making that up. And yes ladies, the ones that know me enough to know I don't lie about anything, even they are thinking you are both totally looney. Hell if you read that like it wasn't about you two, you both would realize how nuts you both sound.
So sure, in my position, wouldn't most love a big bit of privacy? Especially when someone told you about these nuts? Hell, I'd think one someone was making it up if my ex hadn't confirmed it. It was and still seems surreal. But, seriously if you need me to talk about so you have something special in your lives? Have at it. I enjoy writing. I have friends that enjoy reading it. If it means you two are twisting in your own fumes because I still somehow after all these years grate your nerves? Woohoo. Bonus points for me. My life right now is great.
Mainly because I finally will stick up for myself when I feel I need to. And thank you. You two actually helped me realize that last piece I was missing. Only two miserable idiots would still be worried about me. Little old me. And honestly, straight up honest and sticking up for myself, you don't hold a candle to me or there would never have been a need to stalk me in the first place, let alone form some weird twisted friendship online. There's a couple honest words that describe you both to a T. Total wackos. Have fun reading ladies because let's be honest. Neither of you are intelligent enough to move on or you would've way before I stopped my blog for a while.
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