shocking newsflash: new study says that happily married couples are likely the same or similar personalities when they meet and continue to be so during the duration of their lives together rather than "opposites attract". no sh*t. i could've told you that. it's really a question of observation of my friends that are the happiest versus the ones that are divorced or not so happy.
my friend mary and her husband are a little bit different. her husband is a little more old fashioned, but very equal minded. he's also a little more religious--by a hair or two, tops. he's a little more into sports, but overall indifferent. but those things have nothing to do with how they are alike. they both view things fairly similarly. when they both look at a situation, they both come up with a somewhat close view of what is going on. they both value very similar things and have very similar expectations on how they spend their free time. her husband has always treated her son the way he would treat his own. similar views on how to raise their children, similar goals in life, similar expectations and similar opinions. don't get me wrong--they are not carbon copies. the differences are there, but they also have a respect for those differences.
now do they have similar personalities? yes, i think that's the major part of it. some of us expect that we should be attracted to our opposite--i seriously believe that this is why some people truly believe they should be with someone that compliments them overall. but in reality, the most successful marriages that i've observed are very similar people--where the differences are minor and those differences expand the two people. if the differences in personality are too much, then the minor similarities will not make up the gap. this all seems like common sense to me.
of course, you can have all this--similar life goals, similar expectations on how to raise children (good if you're planning on having any), similar work ethic, similar dedication to friends and family, similar intellect, similar emotional response and still it can go wrong. my theory is that a major difference in core values and mores will be a deal breaker regardless. morals, religious beliefs (if these are important to you)--those things that are fully internalized--will ruin an otherwise ok relationship. core values are a must near match. then the other stuff must match overall. the differences have to be the minor part. opposites only attract only if you are hell bent on being something that you aren't or turning someone else into something that they aren't.
i always say the men that i've dated have nothing in common. this is true--they have nothing necessarily in common with each other--but they often have the things that i value in myself. good work ethic, dedication to their friends, fun, honest, oxymorons in their own rights. i tried the opposites once--that was the worst mistake i ever made.
now i'm not one to be giving advice on how to make a relationship work, but i definately can easily be used as the poster child for what won't work and why. these studies all sound like common sense to me after my experiences and observations over the years. still won't change the fact that some people would rather be chasing the wrong thing than happy with the right thing. i'm just amazed that some government department parted with thousands of dollars to fund a study that any truly observant human being could have told you. instead of wasting money on this stuff, give me the money. i've always wanted to go to bora bora.
No comments:
Post a Comment