what was i thinking?

there are those times you have sit and ask yourself--what the hell was i thinking? so now happens to be one of those times.

i have a lot of patience for someone i'm attracted to. all those stupid personality tests say so. people assume that i'm one way or another--based on other people they've come across, but the truth is that only 4% of the people on the planet have my personality and less than 2% are female. that means that for every 10,000 people that you meet, you will meet only 8 women like me total. to put that into perspective--you can meet 400 men out of that same 10,000 that are like me. according to the stupid test results, we are honest to a fault, happy, listen but are willing to stand up for what we believe, respect others, but expect that in return. you give what you get. we also will be overly accomodating to people that we date. we all know men like this--i know a dozen or so that i am friends with now. but 1 out 8 out of ten thousand. yes, i know not too many people "get" me.

i'm ok with that. i distance myself from people that are too quick to shove me in their little box. it's too much work and energy to deal with their issues. yes, their issues. the minute they make wrong assumptions about me and toot them off as fact, i simply distance myself. i'll be polite, but it's too much energy to try and convince them otherwise and it's highly unlikely that i will. why bother? life is too short if they haven't had enough life experience to recognize how unusual i am. it's also way too short to deal with people that think that unusual thing is a bad thing. God didn't make us all the same for a reason. i feel sorry for people that don't get that, but i can't explain it to them and i'm not wasting my breath trying.

the people that know me well become very defensive over me--protective. those are the friends that have over the years observed me attempt to fit in a box only to still be ridiculed for being "different". those are the ones that watched me being crushed in a horrible marriage and still trying to hold it together like a fine woman of my grandmother's caliber would have. they're the ones that worried and came to my defense when it looked like i was standing alone and i had obviously reached a point of giving up. i owe my life to one--i owe my devotion to the others. there are not many people of their caliber running around this planet. sadly enough.

there are a lot of people that like to think that they are, but are completely unaware of the varying levels of dedication. truth is almost all people think they have the dedication and are of the caliber to stand up for what's right. perhaps, but their "right" is relative to their own beliefs and mores, and the fiber that they are as a person. it simply never occurs to anyone--even the nastiest cheating slut or backstabbing guy on the planet--that other people have higher standards. we all have met people like this--that have slept with their best friend's husband, that have stolen from someone providing a roof over their head, that have used up everyone that they have ever come across. they just assume that everyone would plunge to the depths of slitting their own mother's throat or stabbing their best friend. it never occurs to them that the rest of us could even exist outside of that.

i've met plenty of people that woe over people like this after a bad relationship ends. i've never understood that--probably because of the 2% of 4% thing. i don't see it as a failure on my part for missing that part of their personality. they seem to understand advertising that they are that type of person isn't a good idea. they pray on people and pretend like they don't know. they tend to have the innocent act down. we simply can't beat ourselves up for missing the fact that some people are shitty and think it's ok because they assume we are all pretending to be something that we aren't. they assume we are all backstabbing schlubs like they are, and better us than them. i don't feel sorry for them when they get their upcommance either. what comes around, goes around.

who i do feel sorry for is those of us that are shocked and have to come back to the real world and realize that we had no control over that person or their antics. i also feel extraordinarily sorry for those people that can't see this and decide it's time to sink to the level of one of these sorry asses. but there is a certain point, where those that choose to sink to that level, need to be treated like they are one of those sorry jerks. it's hard to admit when you can see the good person underneath the facade. but the problem with that facade is that if you wear the mask long enough, you will become that. like my grams used to say, "if you keep frowning like that, your face is going to freeze that way." act like an asshole too long, and sooner or later, you'll actually be one. there's a time where a good person still has to say enough is enough and walk away.

so i was dating this guy for the last 7 months. he still has some remnants of a "good guy", but he's damaged goods. he's hell bent on being the "bad guy", and thinks that mask is protecting him. it is--from decent people. the only people willing to put up with that crap are other crappy people. too bad, but not worth the effort. probably took me too long to realize that. i guess i was thinking that he would realize that mask isn't worth the trouble that it's gotten him in the past. what was i thinking? some people, like my grams said, can't get that frown off once it's frozen that way.