pipe dreams?

God knows that i've been single for a long while. i've chosen to be--kids and career had to take precedence over finding the man to share my life with. perhaps, the other problem is i've collected over the years a handful of men that made me realize one more thing (each--well, maybe more each) that i didn't want in the man i'm with. perhaps they made me realize a lot of things about myself too. each experience gave me a better perspective of what i did or didn't want in a relationship, what i could or couldn't put up with, what i thought i wanted.

recently, as you know if you read my jibberish at all, i thought i had found the closest thing to what i thought i wanted--an educated, smart, smart alecky at times, fun, job, basic sh*t together, decent guy, if not a little batter and bruised from being mistreated by gold diggers and whores. ok.

but he also took a lot of that out on me. the mistreatment. knowing that, because we had this conversation several times, that i don't sleep around. if i'm dating around, then i am intimate with no one. if i am at the point where i am intimate with someone then i am on that track until the train stops. i made this clear. but somehow, this guy thought that it's ok to look for other women and treat me like crap--except when i made it clear that i was gone if he wanted to play that game. ugh. talk about too much work.

so earlier this week, i was having a conversation with someone that i admire, and i realized that was the one thing that this guy, that every guy that i have ever dated, is missing. since i am one of those women that simply follows my man's lead (when i have one), i give trust unconditionally. i need to be able to trust unconditionally. i need to have someone that i can admire and believe in. i need an honest man that i know i can be proud of the fact that i need him. i need to be able to admire who he is, what he stands for, and how he handles things.

i'm not sure that everyone needs someone that they can admire. i am an odd duck, oddity, 1 out of 8 out of 10,000, afterall (see a previous blog). but i do give my trust completely when i make a commitment to someone. i've been reluctant for a long time to make any form of commitment because i give that high level of trust. i've said to guys i've dated seriously "you lead, i'll follow". i've no desire to act like i wear the pants in a relationship--which in part gives a lot of trust. but that high level of trust really needs someone that can appreciate that trust and respect it. i believe i have to find that person that i admire--for who they are, how they are, what they are, how they treat others, and more importantly, how they treat me. i hope that's not a pipe dream.