quite frankly, with my daddy's passing in july, the last half of this year has been nothing but self-reflecting and replaying things in my past that have lead to my present. who i am, possibly what i am, is nothing more than a knee jerk reaction to everything that i've ever been exposed to and a little dab of the inherited traits that we all have from our dna. my best friend mary and i often have some very deep delve conversations about people, how people think, what makes them work. mary and i have many similar beliefs although our personalities are in someways very contrast to each other. the one thing that seems to always come out of those conversations is how crazy some people actually are. the examples always seem to be over abundant, and there are so many common sense sayings that go with the examples, the most logical conclusion is that most people really don't have much common sense. i'm seriously not sure that i do (honestly, i am an engineer afterall--how much could i have really?), but i probably was very fortunate to have a grandmother that knew every common sense statement, or cliche depending on your point of view, ever made.
"don't blame me for your problems." for some reason, no one ever understands that the minutia that they are in is always, always, from their own decisions. now, i'm not talking about the car accident where your car was totalled because someone ran a red light. i'm talking about the drama that most people always seem to blame on others. the innocent acts are so ridiculous for some people, you wish the oscars would have a you tube drama queen (or king) award. we bring it on ourselves. i do honestly blame my ex for being a cheating dog, but i married his *ss. now, granted i was young, we were young, and well, it seemed like a great idea at the time. i can obviously brag that i picked a guy that i had a lot in common with and who i thought would always take care of me, who i thought would make a great father and who was a good friend. then i could, like most people, blame him solely for the crap in our relationship. yes, he was the one that cheated. he probably did before we got married--should've seen that and ran like hell. also, probably missed that we were like carbon copies of his mom and dad--a relationship that although it has stood the perverbial test of time has taken quite a toll on his mom (my opinion of course) because as charming as his dad is, well, he's a bit of a selfish pig--ok, a lot of a selfish pig. again, my faux pas. i saw all this, and i completely convinced myself (self-denial is a wonderful thing) that my ex wasn't like that. (bahaha...sorry, i just have to laugh at myself at this point.) now, i probably could blame him for my being single all these years. God knows i have trust issues and a huge commitment phobia and it would be quite simple to blame him for all my woes. but it simply isn't true. i was a commitment phob way before i met my ex--the experience didn't improve that, by any means--but maybe that was the point of why or how i chose to be with him. not his fault, probably mine or maybe just the life i had lead to that point. the result of a problem, the ramifications--like someone's actions--are the symptoms, not the causes. the causes are inevitably on us. each of us. "we have no one to blame but ourselves."
"you don't choose who you fall in love with." nope. i used to believe this was utterly and completely controllable. my grandmother used to say "it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one." yea, whatever. if that were true, my grandmother would never have married my grandfather. yet, i would verbalize my discontent with her statement, while somehow stupidly internalizing it. you simply don't choose. granted i only have 40+ years of experience at this point, but it just doesn't happen. i've known people who force feel "love". it's not hard to "love" someone, but it's impossible to be "in love" with someone who you have to force feel "love" for. i "love" my shoes. i'm not falling for them anytime soon. falling in love is like tieing a blindfold over your eyes after you've already seen the cliff coming and are still heading at it full throttle like an idiot. (yes, i did already mention that i'm a complete commitment phob.) but, i've been in love 3 times. (ugh, we'll avoid that whole 3rd time's a charm crap.) first time, it was love at first sight. it was. it wasn't 45 minutes and i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with who we'll simply call my college sweetheart. he was blonde haired, blue eyed, 6'5" (i looked quite literally like a little china doll next to him), and one of the most amazing men i've ever known. when i met him, i certainly didn't expect my evening to go the way it did. i was quite content in my own little world. i had goals, aspirations, and those were a very large part of who i was (and am), but i saw that cliff the second he was introduced to me and lucky for me, so did he. the only regret i have in my life is the way that relationship ended. the second time, well, i married his *ss. amazingly, you can fall in love with someone and it is actually possible to fall out of love with them too...as my marriage can attest to. the third time, well, that one was either me being foolish, him being foolish, or both of us being foolish. still haven't figured it out. probably never will. regardless, love is easy. i still in a way, love all three of them. not in love with any of them though. falling out of love is so much easier than falling in. someone opens the window and lets the stagnant air out, and as you inhale, you realize that you somehow breathed in new life while exhaling the old love. "love is gift." ("in love" is, anyway.)
"sh*t or get off the pot." no kidding. (yea, don't you love it?!?! from love to sh*t in no seconds flat....) i really do live and breathe (more puns) this saying. why stay with a man that's making me miserable? why? don't talk about it, do it. now, don't get me wrong. i'm a firm believer in taking my time making decisions. my backyard patio hasn't been done yet because i have a hard time figuring out exactly what i want to do. i know i want to lower my bike, but the back only, both the back and the front, 1" or 2"...i'm there to front and back (finally), but not quite 1" or 2"...i'll have to live with the decision for a while. i don't like to jump into anything i'm going to have to live with. impulse purchases have never been a big thing for me. i spend 6 months teasing the sales guys at any and all dealerships before actually purchasing a vehicle. impulse purchases always bit me in the perverbial butt when i was younger. it's a lesson that i take to heart. on the other hand, once i've made up my mind, i'm ready to go. there's no more waiting. all the ducks are in a row, they're all quacking, the water is warm, the sun is shining and it's time to go!!! i'm always amazed at people who will do the exact opposite--jump into stuff headlong without considering anything, but then diddle dawdle as they try to feel their way around their impulsive move. i may be slow coming up to the gate, but once i'm locked in, i'm taking the finish line. which is actually a pretty fair comparison since the horses that typically fly into the gate are the most leisurely to actually accomplishing anything in the race--much like many people. i have friends who have floundered for years after an impulsive marriage on whether it was a mistake. i have no misgivings. my marriage wasn't a mistake--have you seen our boys? handsome devils. and i learned a lot--about life, about myself, about relationships. nothing bad about it as far as knowledge and experience. don't get me wrong--i wouldn't go back there if he hit the lottery, was gelded, and promised to take me to every gorgeous beach on the globe on the back of a harley (or maybe a pair of harleys...no matter), but i wouldn't give up the experience for anything either. life is full of expectations. but we make our own successes. success doesn't just walk up and bite you in the butt and say "here i am". opportunity does that, but from those opportunities, we make or break our own success. we can be our own worst enemies by the limits that we put on ourselves, and those limits are usually glaring us in our faces, because we usually choose to attempt to limit others to our own self-sanctions. we have to get out there and try, or we inevitably fail. "there is no failure worse than the one that never even started."
i don't know. maybe i'm just thinking off the top of my head. maybe i'm just a tad aggrevated at myself, because life is constantly changing and right now i haven't got a clue where i want to be. i feel like alecia silverstone in cute clothes in a giddy teen movie (clueless...yea, rent the movie). maybe it's those damn conversations with mary... maybe i'm still getting passed my father's death, as there was so much that i still wanted to say, share and just enjoy about him. or maybe it's like every holiday season of my life and the hoopla is little more than my usual angst over misgivings over turkey and enough rum and eggnog to drown the christmas tree. or maybe it's a year ending in 3. 23, 33, 43...shit. always with the 3s...."third time's a charm," afterall....
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