When I was younger, I had no idea that I was attractive. When people say "if I had known then what I know now, I'd be dangerous," I have to admit that I would have done things differently, but I'm not sure what. I certainly wouldn't change the way I look for anyone. In fact, there was a time when I was much younger that I tried desperately to "blend". I am not one that blends well. The experience was simply a rude eye opener that my Grams had tried to explain to me, "the harder you try to blend in, the more you stick out." If I had understood those words as I do now, well, I'm not sure I'd have been "dangerous". Still, I was always a bit of a soft heart, and dangerous wasn't and still isn't my style. Once I was even accused of being a "heartbreaker", but in truth breaking hearts was not the reason I may have broken one or two, or possibly even several. I was looking for something special, like almost every young woman is at that age. I suspect I let some "special" go, and kept some "not so special" at the same time. I can never claim to have not made mistakes, but none of them were ever because I was sure of my looks or from contriving ways to use my looks to my advantage. I simply never thought of myself as pretty. Pretty is skin deep, and the heart is more giving. So when someone suggested that I make myself "less pretty", whatever that actually means, I didn't laugh. But then, I did consider the source, and that got me to thinking. While I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions since I believe when you want to change something you should just begin making a concerted effort regardless of the time of year, it is this time of year that most think about making changes--out with the old, in with the new, and this "advice" went through my mind as did the little mind that suggested it.
Now don't get me wrong, I have no ill will towards a small mind, but it is not without experience that I know that you cannot change small people. It will never happen. I have over the years become accustomed to being "knocked down" by some women. It is most certainly not all and it is not without pain that I admit this. Women by nature are more cutting than men. I have had a most beloved sorority sister sleep with a boyfriend, borrow the money for an abortion from me, and then tell another sister thinking it was funny that I paid for her abortion. It was true; it was money that was never repaid. It was a lesson in heartbreak, yes. It was also a greater lesson in the fact that not all people value their friends or friendship. It wasn't that he wouldn't have paid for it; he had stopped seeing her immediately and offered to pay for the abortion. It was simply that she had been so jealous of me that it wasn't enough to hurt me in one way; it was an obsessive hate that she wanted to hurt me as much as she hurt. The truth was for me much different than it was for her. The truth was he wasn't worthy of me, and I certainly deserved better. So although there was a sadness created by the truth and I did suffer, I recovered with new resolve. Her hatred and anger and hurt didn't go away; she remained the bitter little mind that she had been when she started on this endeavor. But I had nothing to do with her afterwards and there was no regaining the friendship she had so callously used. Like one of my favorite characters says in a favorite movie, "my good opinion once lost is lost forever." She, and as other friends that have wronged me, learned that I was simply done with her. There is no reason to punish oneself with the failures of others, particularly when they have made you the object of their ire.
Still, it's not always women. I've had guy friends that have simply been my friend because they hope to date me someday. Most eventually get over it and either fade into the workwork or become genuine friends. Of my friends that I have dated or the ones that have become friends after wanting to date me, there is always one that I think if I had it all to do over I might have made a different choice. Then I snap back into reality that my life would be drastically different now. The person that he loved was much more like him and would've followed that path. The path I wanted was my own. Other guys have become vindictive or angry because I don't know my place or have rejected them. When they say "the world has no fury like a woman scorned", this is only partially true. The world has no fury as a crazy person scorned--female or male. I had an abusive ex-boyfriend that had hospitalized me as a parting gift when I finally broke up with him. He had for some amount of time stalked me and is honestly the whole reason that I believe women should be able to legally arm themselves. Nothing explains "leave me alone" like a 9 mm. There unfortunately are some men out there that are more crazy than any certifiable female. Some men simply think that they are superior to women. I know in this day and age it sounds ludicrious. Yet, I've met just as many, if not more, men with issues against women who are independent, self-sufficient or successful than women with anger, jealous or security issues. The men are sometimes more incideous. Men who don't really believe women belong, or at least only belong to an extent--whether military, workplace, or just in a group--act as a cancer. It's really not hard for them to gain "support" from other men by making off the cuff comments. Male friends are often the only ones that can contain them, if you're lucky enough to have true male friends. I have observed over the years and these men genuinely have no real backbone. A woman with a good husband or boyfriend makes it difficult for them to draw a negative picture of a good woman. I had a friend who had married young, eventually divorced and re-entered the workforce. She was dismayed that the person who was the most vicious at work was a man. He had taken credit for her work, she had caught him "bad-mouthing" her to co-workers at the "water cooler", and he made fun of the way she looked. She was even more dismayed at that fact that the other men seemed to be taking on the same attitude, albeit gradually--one by one they were all making her equally miserable. This friend, a very good friend for over 20 years, is not a mean person, but is in fact, a smart, soft spoken, gentile, petite and attractive, very honest person. His two issues with her: that she was smart and honest. Probably, more so with her honesty than anything else. Petty men are really no different than petty women. A small mind is still a small mind regardless of the body it is put in.
So 2013, how do we deal with small and petty people? I myself have been known to get petty. We all have. We get sucked into the supposed friendships and then realize that the small minded can spread their pettiness like a cancer over-running an otherwise healthy entity. Honestly, from experience, there is nothing that we can do to ourselves to change others. I cannot make someone happier by being less "pretty". We have no control over their perceptions, judgements, or petty antics. We cannot tell them to change, although like most people who haven't recognized the petty people around them, we may try to advise them to take care of their actions. Unfortunately once that cancer has spread, it often takes the more than words of advice to remove the behavior. I believe that many of us come to opinion the only way to deal with those that would behave this way is to cut them off--distance ourselves from them and keep that distance as great as possible. Let in only a small few and if we are lucky, "have one true friend" in our lifetimes. While this is the simplist solution, it is not the best. I have made some wonderful friends over the years, and not ones that demand that I change anything. I am pretty to them, not because they are worried about what I look like on the outside. I am pretty to them because of who I am in the inside. Of course, if I never took a risk of meeting new people because of petty individuals, then like Grams, I might only have one true friend. Grams was right in the message to be cautious. But Mr. Darcy's approach while making him possibly the object of undue ridicule is the safest way to not miss out on the wonderful people. Second chances are not for those who have betrayed or scorned you, but for those who have already earned a good opinion and who genuinely know the value of it. Give your good opinion freely, but once lost, let it be lost forever.
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