Friendship is as friendship does.

Have you ever introduced someone as a "friend" that you barely know?  If you barely know them, are they really a friend?  The definition of friend if we Google search it: 

"A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations."

A bond of mutual affection.  Ok, let's face it that is about as vague as someone trying to match a green or red without a swatch of the actual color.  There's obviously levels of friendship.  We can have best friends--people that are as close and in some cases closer than family.  We can have good friends--people that we trust, that we know we can count on and they can count on us.  We also have friends--people that we enjoy hanging out with, doing things with, and that we find interesting, fun, et cetera.  We also all have acquaintances--people that we know, not really that well, people that we could probably take or leave without a problem.  So why would we refer to them as "friends"?  Is this logical?  Many people say "friend" in reference to people that they don't have any real bond or affection for.  Some even use the word for people that they cannot stand.  They use the word "friend" like a wadded up paperball being tossed about.  They play garbage can basketball with "friend" and ultimately consider tossing it in the trash as the ultimate win.  If you've even done this once, then the fault for not having real friends is not on anyone else but yourself.  If you treat friendship as if it is disposable at a whim, then you probably don't have any true friends. 

Consider where we learn about friendship.  The foundation of how we interact with other people is basically formed before we are teenagers, but how we view and approach friendship is defined only partially before our teen years.  Between our teens and early 20s, we start to define how we will approach friendship.  I saw a post recently by an acquaintance that complained about people only being her friend when they want something.  This is a huge complaint by so many high school girls.  In high school, they'll go back and forth and they'll continue it into their adult lives.  The message is wrong.  First, they're not her friends.  She shouldn't consider them friends.  Friends don't need you to supply them anything.  Friends are there not because of what you have, what you can give them, what they can take from you, or how you can benefit them; they're there because of a bond as difficult to describe as different shades of red.

A friend chooses to help when you need it without you asking and they stand by you through thick and thin.  I have a good friend who has been backstabbed by many.  She's a good heart, straight forward and honest.  She's had so-called friends who have turned around and bad-mouthed her.  They claim that they know her and actually use "she's a friend" to justify mouthing their opinions of her.  I consider this ironic.  Friends never bad mouth you to people that would use it against you, and they definately don't bad mouth you so that they can use it against you.  While it might happen in high school, true friends don't turn on someone ever.  The same people that will turn on a friend when the opportunity arises will turn on anyone.  Friends are not looking for that opportunity, have no intention of taking it, and more importantly, will defend you through any storm.  Friends may not always agree with you, but they will never attack you from behind. 

Another favorite thing "friends" in high school do is trying to get everyone on their side, in their clique, in their little group and alienate the people that they don't like.  I've observed this over the years over and over in various organizations that I've been in.  Peer pressure not to like a person isn't friendship.  Friends don't have to choose your friends for you and mature adults don't actually try to alienate anyone like they're still in high school.  I had a friend one time warn me that someone I didn't particularly care for would be at their birthday party.  Just because I'm not friends with someone is no reason that I should pressure my friends to not be friends with someone.  If someone tells us who we should or shouldn't be friends with or tries to turn us on someone, then we have to decide two things.  One, can we think for ourselves?  If the answer to that is yes, then is the person pressuring me really my friend?  A friend doesn't care, isn't jealous or insecure, because you have other friends.  Friends respect the fact that you are your own person and understand that just because a personality doesn't work with them, doesn't mean that personality doesn't work with you.  High school friendships are often black and white, and thus why very few friends from high school remain friends as they mature.  The world is not a simple black and white.  It's not even shades of grey.  It's full of different colors and each person has their own unique shade that their friendship might add to our lives.  A real friend wouldn't want you to miss out. 

Over the years, I've had people that I have considered friends and good friends that have lied to me, manipulated me, used me, backstabbed me or otherwise.  It hasn't kept me from letting new friends into my life, but it definately made me realize that some people consider their friendships highly disposable.  I'm a pretty honest, straight forward person.  I am aware that some people don't appreciate that, and I'm alright with it.  If I call someone a friend, then I mean friend.  If they screw me over, then they revert to acquaintances.  Depending on if they were friends, good friends or best friends though, I may never acknowledge them again.  I've only had one "best" friend screw me over and I chalked it up as a learning experience.  I wouldn't acknowledge her if she was on fire.  I've had a few "good" friends that have stabbed me in the back or used my friendship to their own benefit.  In general, I have nothing really to say to them either.  I might be polite, but I would generally leave the niceties to not saying anything at all.  I've had friends, that turned out to be so-called.  I would be polite and have a friendly conversation with them, but that would be the extent of it. 

Why would the friends who screwed me over get more respect than those that earned my trust to be considered "good" or even a "best" friend?  The keyword in that question is trust.  I've never understood when someone says of a friend, "I don't trust him (her)."  If we don't trust someone, why would we make them a regular part of our lives?  We have to interact all the time with people that we might not trust.  We don't trust all the people we work with.  We don't necessarily trust our lawyer or doctor.  We might not even trust people in our own family, but we often are stuck with them.  We are not actually stuck with friends that we don't trust.  The definition of friend, a mutual affection or bond, cannot even exist without some amount of trust.  When someone breaks that trust, we have two options.  One, stay their "friend" knowing that they are not trustworthy.  Two, end the friendship.  Neither actually requires us to speak to them about the friendship.  Their actions have spoken loud enough.  We can remain polite, unless the trust that was broken was too heinous not to be confronted, and no one but us is the wiser.  But we must acknowledge to ourselves that we know they are not really friends.  Why?  Because if we don't, we allow the fact that they devalue friendship to affect how we value our other friends.  Sometimes for the better, but often for the worse.   

Friendship is as friendship does.  To be someone's friend, you don't just say it.  It requires trust and your actions must earn that trust.  I've always said I feel very blessed to have so many good, great and best friends.  If you don't have good, great and best friend bonds, people that are like family, have earned your trust and where you have earned theirs, then although I feel very bad for you, look at the people you surround yourself with.  Are you surrounded with good people that treat others as they would be treated?  Are you surrounded with people who are honest and open minded?  Or do the people you hang around expect you to join the click?  Treat others that they don't like disrespectfully?  Act like they should be the only friends that you can have?  Consistently put others down when they're not sitting there to defend themselves?  Do they say they didn't want to be involved but chose a side anyway?  You can't make good friends in a nest of vipers; snakes have no friends.  No one can have any real friends until one understands what it means to be a friend.