25 RULES for DATING my SON

I see rules all the time for daughters.  Here's the rules for dating my son: 

RULE 1:  My son has been taught to be respectful.  Not that he always is.  Do not let him treat you like a doormat.

RULE 2:  My son is his own person.  Don't try to manipulate him or I will kick you to Timbuktu.  If you manipulate him into marrying you, I'll be waiting to kick you to Timbuktu after the divorce. 

RULE 3:  Don't assume my son has any common sense.  He's a man and he's only had me as a day-in, day-out example.  Sometimes it may be there; more often, probably not. 

RULE 4:  Do NOT get into a debate with him unless you know what you are talking about.  Our family takes debate ridiculously seriously (especially him and his brothers).  It's probably the only way you'll ever get him to marry you, so learn how and then beat his ass at it. 

RULE 5:  If you can't cook, learn.  Nothing is more embarassing than a woman that can't cook, but her man can.  My boys definately know how to cook. 

RULE 6:  If my son calls you any derogatory name whatsoever, ignore him.  He's an idiot.  It'll pass.  If he does it too much, then you may have to cut him loose.  He might be too much idiot for you.  See RULE 1 for clarification.

RULE 7:  Do NOT call me about your relationship.  Unless he hits you.  Then call me and I will send his brothers to kick his ass.  Or he's cheating.  Then bring yourself over, and I'll kick his ass when he comes looking for you.

RULE 8:  Do NOT assume that he knows what he is talking about.  He's a MAN. 

RULE 9:  Do NOT shower him with gifts.  He's not a chick and you look silly. 

RULE 10:  If you fall in love with him and he doesn't fall for you, please remind yourself that he's an idiot.  Unless you're a stripper, a whore or a skank, then you're the idiot for thinking that he should fall for you. 

RULE 11:  If my son falls for you and you cheat on him, do NOT let me know about it.  I will hunt you down and beat you senseless. 

RULE 12:  He doesn't call me for relationship advice.  Well, he might, but I'm never telling you.  Don't ask. 

RULE 13:  NEVER, and I mean NEVER, tell me about your sex life with my son. 

RULE 14:  Stop his ass if he's telling me himself.  I do NOT want to know.  Refer to RULE 1 if you don't understand why. 

RULE 15:  He's got friends.  You'll have to like them too or at least accept that he has a life besides you. 

RULE 16:  If you don't have friends and your whole life revolves around my son, you are not the one for him.  GO GET A LIFE of YOUR OWN FIRST. 

RULE 17:  If you're dating him for money, he's broke.  He might have a great work ethic and a great job, but he's broke.  Find some old geezer that is looking for their own Anna Nicole Smith money grubbing whore. 

RULE 18:  If you marry my son, live with him or otherwise co-exist, you are not borrowing any money, ever.  That's going to be applicable no matter what.  You are not borrowing money from me, ever. 

RULE 19:  Just because you have my grandbaby doesn't mean I have to like you.  That would be a perk, but I can love a grandchild and think you're wonderful or a skanky, money grubbing whore.  That will all be highly dependant on you (and my son's choice in you). 

RULE 20:  My son is my baby.  I may take your side to him, but never try to play that hand.  He's my baby and you will not convince me to pick you over him.  (RULE 7 does not override this rule for you.)

RULE 21:  My son should be treating you like a lady (opening the door for you, pulling out your chair when taking you out to a nice restaurant, etc.).  If you are one of those women that doesn't think so, that's ok.  Except around me.  At work, you can open your own door.  In front of me, he'd better act like a gentleman.  I do NOT want to hear how it's ok.  It's not ok for a football player to tackle someone at a restaurant.  It's not ok for him to act like you're "one of the boys" in a social setting even if you are "one of the boys".  That ends with the dating aspect; he'd better treat you like a lady.  If I have to explain this to you more than once, I will consider you too dumb to date my son. 

RULE 22:  Anyone making me a grandmother before my 50th birthday will be shot!!  Besides, most people should not have children until they're at least in their mid-20s.  Trust me; my sons are definately in that majority. 

RULE 23:  If you do not have a job, you'd better be in school.  If you're not in school, you'd better be a trust fund baby with a platinum spoon in your mouth.  My son is not your meal ticket.  (Refer to RULE 17.)

RULE 24:  I don't have to like you.  In fact, you don't have to like me.  This would be a big perk, of course, so I'm counting on my son to pick the right girl.  BUT, you will respect me.  I'll ignore him if he disrespects me, so good for the gander, definately good for the goose.   

RULE 25:  These are my rules and I will override, change or otherwise cancel, re-order, add or subtract rules at my whim.  I reserve the right to stand up for you in RULE 7 without your permission.  All RULES are NON-NEGOTIABLE, at least until you make a very convincing argument.  Refer to RULE 4 (only remember RULE 24).