There's nothing wrong with me. At least not overall anyway. I'm not likely to make a commitment though. I recently thought that I wanted to, but I, well we were mistaken. I don't really want to hash it all out. I have certain expectations in a relationship and there was a deal breaker in the mix. I'll take the blame. I'm a commitment phob most of the time and I'll admit that I may have little patience if certain things don't fit. I joke that I expect that trifecta--emotional, intellectual and physical. But it's really not a joke and recently I've realized that those three ingredients are more difficult to find, let alone define. I'm certainly not one to claim that I am perfect. I'm so flawed sometimes I am amazed at how I have survived. Don't get me wrong. I'm not some wanting reject either. I'm funny (albeit a little sarcastic), pretty smart (overall), can get by in any group or crowd, am open minded, a little bit wild and a little bit reserved. I'm a pretty good mix overall. Can't really complain. But, I am most definitely not some sort of perfection. My commitment phobia is part of that "flawed" portion I suppose, or it is from my point of view anyway. Like I stated in the last blog, maybe it's time I figured out why that phobia is there. We've established that it has nothing to do with fear of infidelity. The phobia was there before my ex's infidelity, so while it didn't improve it, it certainly didn't create it. Of course, when I look back, lots of people were offering to scoop me up like I was an ice cream selection at Baskin Robbins at one point. I just wasn't into the idea. Like I've stated before, three times I would've gone there, and I'm starting to think that maybe the fact that I ever wanted to go there--make a lifetime commitment to anyone--means that I am most certainly capable. Maybe I'm not even truly a commitment phob. Maybe I'm just not interested in getting myself into any situation that isn't well suited for me and I'm pretty sure that would be a good thing.
"Alex would be married if she wanted to be." That's what an ex-boyfriend's brother told him that knew me pretty well. I suppose that was a very true statement to some degree. I definitely could've been married if I wanted to be married to one of the guys I had dated, and I'm sure that there were at least one or two that would've dated me if they had gotten the chance. In their minds, they may have even thought if they ever dated me that I would be "the one" that they wanted to spend their lives with. I've had quite a few guys that wanted to marry me in the past. I was one of those women that it seemed like everyone I went out with wanted to get serious with me. Some friends assumed it was because I was a bit of a tease. Some thought it was because I was a lot like "one of the guys". Others would ponder that it was because I was completely inaccessible--a commitment phob. Another words, some guys were drawn in just because I was uninterested. I'll be honest that last one crossed my mind and has often been the one that I genuinely have concerns about. Afterall, who wants to be with someone that only wants you because they can't have you? The guys that I showed any interest in at all often turned tail and ran...usually only to turn around as soon as I had moved on. The others that showed interest that I didn't reciprocate seemed to make like desperate ditches to try to get my attention. In truth, usually when guys turned tail and ran, I was bored quickly. I have the attention span of a gnat sometimes, and game players usually didn't keep my interest very long. The main problem wasn't just my attention span though. I would find something "wrong" with them. Players are the easiest to find something "wrong" with, and the minute I found anything wrong, and I do mean anything, bam!!! Nothing but cottontail. By the time the guys had realized I was gone, nothing they could do would change my mind. So the statement, "Alex would be married if she wanted to be" only took into account what the guys were thinking....not what I was thinking. No one sided description does a complicated animal like me justice.
Did, do I want to be married again? Honestly, sure I do. I like the idea of commitment and I like the idea of sharing my life with someone and vice versa. I'm not the Ozzie and Harriet type by any means, but news flash: neither are most of the men or women on this planet. No life could be that perfect and that's the beauty of it when it comes down to it. Frankly, that "perfection" could be exhausting and tedious. However, the fact that I would like to make that commitment to someone is probably proof positive that I'm not actually the commitment phobic that I claim to be or that some of my friends might profess me to be. So, the concept isn't a problem for me. I like, heck honestly, love the idea of sharing my life with someone. I've put off a lot of the things that I would like to do just because I want to do those things with someone else. Or they just don't seem as important on my list of to do because I want "to do" with someone. I've done a lot of things with my boys--amusement parks, hockey games, hiking, beaches. I did these things with them while they were growing up because I love to do with them and because I loved sharing those moments with my boys. There's little point in me spending a long weekend in St. Augustine by myself, even if it is one of my most favorite places in the world. I'm definitely not afraid of being alone but it really isn't my preferred status.
The problem is that it is simply not as simple as a guy wanting to marry me and me wanting to marry him. I mean it should be and I think once you find the right person it truly is that damn simple. However, I've had guys think I'm the one and me think "not just no, but hell no". I've had one that I know of that thought "nope" when it came to me even though I might have. I suppose that's another reason that most of my friends would agree with that ex-boyfriend's brother. I've had plenty of times that I could've made the commitment to someone. But then we get into something truly more complicated. Why didn't I want to when I've had these opportunities? Well, that really is the question isn't it? I want an intellectual match. I'm not the brightest light bulb, nor am I the dimmest setting on the light switch. I've found several guys that I've dated are within the acceptable range of intellect. In fact, every last one of them. That seems to be easy schmeesy there. I want a physical match. I wrote in a previous blog about the study conducted about physical appearance. I've been more than willing to drop down a number or two even for someone I thought was a good match, but the truth is that has often caused more problems than it's worth. Physical appearance and compatibility should be the least important in the grand scheme of the trifecta, but I've dated a guy that was well below what anyone would think I should date (appearance). He turned out to be one of the most heinous, horrible jerks I've ever known, and honestly I'd never date anyone that I was not physically attracted to ever again because of him. I can be treated like shit by a guy I'm attracted to; I'm sure as hell not going to put up with it from some guy that I'm not really attracted to. Still, while physical attractiveness and compatibility are definitely deal breakers, it's not the top priority. It's like the third place horse for the trifecta. So two of the horses in the race can be easily placed as the second and third place ponies.
The emotional compatibility seems to really be where the problem starts and ends then by process of elimination. I expect my friends, male and female, to have my back and vice versa. So it's not a surprise that I expect a man to have my back, stand by me, protect me, and know that he's there for me whether good, bad or indifferent. As a great friend of mine put it, "In public a man is supposed to have your back no matter what. He can tell you in private you were wrong, but he'd damn well better not tell you in public. If you're under attack, then he better draw swords. If you stumble, he'd damn well better lift you up." To her point, a man is supposed to be a man and just because I can stand up for myself, I'm strong, self-efficient and capable, I can still expect a man to take the lead in public. Men don't typically show vulnerability but to a very few; sometimes, they don't even show their closest male friends. It's often the women that they are committed to that get to see their "softer" sides. I'm fine with that, and in fact, to a large degree expect it. Pretty much every guy I've ever dated more than a couple dates is that. If I see that waver, nothing makes me turn tail and run faster. It might take me a couple months or so to recognize the problem, but after that I'm going to bolt. There's only been one, and I mean ONLY one, that I gave a pass when he failed to defend me, but in all fairness, I didn't realize it at the time. He ended the relationship because he knew he wasn't doing it. AND, he defended me tooth and nail for a while afterwards--at least according to some people. That particular instance might have been far more complicated also than the norm. However, I know if some of the guys I've dated in the past are reading this, they're thinking "that wasn't my issue". They're probably right. There were other emotional considerations. My ex-husband got kicked to the curb for cheating and more importantly for continuing to cheat after being caught. Nothing screams a man has no respect for you than cheating. I dropped a guy like a hot potato because I didn't like his friends--not my job to choose his friends or change him. Like him the way he is or cut him loose. I dropped a guy because I didn't like his family. Again, like him the way he is (and his family if he's close to them) or cut him loose. I dropped a guy because he made me feel like I was his mother--nothing is a bigger turn off to me than a man with "mommy issues". I dropped one of my best friends because he was an alcoholic. I dropped another because both his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend he had kids with would call screaming at him on a regular basis. If it had been one, probably not, but two? I dropped one guy because he was such an arrogant ass even his "friends" said that they just agreed with him because it was easier to do so. So there could any number of a thousand emotional reasons that I'll walk away from an otherwise decent match but I also think all of them are reasonably justifiable. At least from my point of view. There are some emotional things that I overlooked that friends of mine wouldn't. So I think it's really a question about what I am or am not willing to live with, and that's no different than anyone else. I just haven't managed to find that emotional connection that is a truly good match.
Besides, I've been willing to make a lifelong commitment to three different men. Honest and true commitments. So it's not that I'm incapable. It's not that I'm not willing to compromise and share. It's that I'm unwilling to settle for less than I've had in the last of those three relationships. Each one of those was better than the last and the last one was very, very easy. We never talked about the relationship; it just seemed to work (granted until we broke up). I felt confident and secure and safe in the relationship...again, until it ended. We matched intellectually and physically, but ultimately, we became incapable emotionally. It's probably debatable who's fault, if either of us were at fault or even whether it was just circumstances. Who knows. Doesn't really change a damn thing in my current circumstances other than nothing has come close since. A friend pointed out that I may never find anything close to it again. I might have argued that point with her a year ago...hell, she might've argued against herself a year ago. However, I am simply unwilling to settle for less. Why would I? It's not that I'm comparing. I've thought about that too. It's that I'm not willing to go backwards. If there was a relationship that worked that well for me, then there has to be one that will work as well or better. That's faith, I suppose. Of course, one of my atheist friends would tell me that faith is ridiculous and there's no such thing as "the one". I'd argue as I argued in a previous blog about the mathematical probability of randomness. There are theorems that prove that random points are in fact fixed points that will occur no matter what. Since we will never "prove" that those random points are not what people base their "faith" on, I'll just suffice that I have faith that everything happens for a reason and eventually everything works itself out the way it's supposed to. I just haven't reached that point in time where it's completely inevitable in spite of the appearance of being random happenstance.
Basically it comes down to this: I'm not really a commitment phob. I'll make a commitment. I have in the past and it doesn't seem to stop me from trying because commitments that I've made seemingly have failed. I don't blame or feel angry that things haven't worked; I'm not a man hater or some other ridiculous stereotype because of any past transgressions. I'm just waiting on that one perfect random moment that the stars all align or some mathematical theorem that guides my life comes to its apex. Or more easily stated, I have faith that everything happens for a reason and when it's right it will just happen. Until it's right, well, when it's not right, nothing but cottontail...
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