A couple of years ago, at a Christmas party that was like a Secret Santa party--only you knew who had pulled your name, the gift I received was a large coffee/soup cup. On the outside of the cup, it said "Cup of Courage". I found it a tad ironic at the time. I was under attack by part of the group that was part of that Christmas party. I had bucked the system of theft and had confronted the guilty. It had not gone well for me. The majority of the group, while upset to find out it was going on, was unwilling to confront the situation--even with someone willing to step up. I understood what the gift meant, but I think at this time of the year many people need to remember what Courage is. Courage is not doing what everyone else does. Courage is doing what is right, even when it will not likely end in the result that you desire. I remember sermons growing up at Christmas time. I don't pretend to be Christian anymore, although I still follow some of Christ's teachings. I'll not debate whether the Bible contradicts itself--we all know it does. All Christians therefore do have to "pick and choose" which parts of the Bible they choose to regard and which they choose to disregard. All of that would be for another blog, if I ever were to choose to write about it. But I do remember what I was taught, the parts that we focused on. Acceptance, "judge not less ye be judged yourself", and courage to do the right thing. Courage.
My youngest son "came out" at the end of the summer. He broke up with his girlfriend of two years, a wonderful young lady who he describes as his "first true love". He even fears that she may be "the one" and what kind of cruel joke that might be. His father is still having issues with it, and although I am supportive, I'll be honest that I am a little disappointed. Not because he is gay, but because when I met his girlfriend two years ago, I truly thought my son had been lucky enough to meet his "soulmate" at 14 years old. How many of us can say that? When he told me, shortly before he told his girlfriend, I was devastated. For all the reasons a mother might be--it's not an easy decision, some people are ugly about it, and of course, his "soulmate" was not going to be his girlfriend. He loved her more than anyone he's ever been with, but he simply wasn't physically attracted to her. Ironic, since she is the most beautiful young woman I have ever seen. I mean magazine model material physically and just the most wonderful, intelligent, sweet personality--beautiful, inside and out. He just didn't think it would be fair to her. She deserved someone that loves her for not just who she is, not just romantically--as he explained, but who loves her for all she is. I couldn't argue that logic. My baby, in spite of what he thought might be a cruel joke, thought she deserved the whole package and of course had decided that he could never give her that. Neither he or she should have to "settle". The courage to admit that to me, to his father who is very anti-gay and kind of an *sshole (ok, granted my opinion although shared by some), and face the fact that it's not always accepted, let alone how many in his father's family view it...well, I am proud of him, of the courage it took to admit where he is at, and possibly at the cost of his best friend and his first true love. Since I'm no longer Christian as I do not practice it and I believe in reincarnation, I often think things like this are simply learning experiences. Perhaps, she is truly his soulmate and whatever cruel joke is a lesson to be learned. Or perhaps this a previous mistake in some other life just rectifying itself.
Most know from my blog that we recently moved "home" and my son told me that at his new school there is a young man that is openly "flaming" as he put it. A young man, who apparently says racially inappropriate things, also says inappropriate things about this young "flaming" man. My son pointed out to the kid that it takes courage to decide to be openly gay and just be himself. The inappropriate kid didn't get it. He thought it was "intellectual". Intellect has nothing to do with who we are emotionally. If it did, then the smartest people we know would be the most extroverted. The most intellectually capable are usually quite the reverse. Even those intellectuals that are "extroverted" are usually extremely guarded. I compartmentalize. I blend with any group, and I'm often painfully aware that some of the groups that I blend with would not want to blend, let alone spend time with, other groups that I hang out with. It's sometimes like high school. In high school, I hung out with "jocks", "burn-outs/potheads", "band geeks", "outcasts", "punkers", et cetera. I didn't care about race, whether someone was "smart" or not, or whatever. What I cared about what was inside, what the heart was like. I often gave people the benefit of the doubt to do the right thing. I have no qualms with saying that many people often didn't do the right thing. Back when I was younger, there was no way this "flaming" young man could even try to show the courage that he has. My son has shown his support, not because he's openly gay--he tells who he chooses to, but because of the courage that it takes to be who we are. This young man has accepted that he is a flamboyant person and gay and it's important this time of year that we start to appreciate that amount of courage. It's the time to open our hearts and minds to people that are different and reduce the amount of courage required to be ourselves.
Everyone knows there's been a lash out of both support and criticism for a 67 years old man, a "redneck" from the Louisiana backwoods who expressed his opinion about homosexuality. I hate to say this because of the potential backlash. (OK, I'm full of sh*t. Backlash all you want.) But, the truth is that he has the right to his opinion. In this day and age, saying anything that isn't "politically correct" can result in such a fascist response, even from the people that purport themselves to be the "open minded". It's an opinion of a 67 year old man who was raised what Christians have been raised to believe for centuries. For Christ's sake. He's entitled to his opinion, and frankly in this day and age it's just as courageous to be able to say your opinion at all. Ironically, at 67 years old, we almost all have more courage to just say what we think and what we mean. As we get older, we realize that it's even less important to tread lightly around people. I've often heard friends say that their grandparents or parents just speak their minds. Yes. I don't find that surprising at all. My Grams told me that she often wished that she had just spoke her mind when she was younger. People would be more evolved if they would simply stand up and say what they mean. Verbal exchange is what changes the world. Keeping it to yourself, especially when you disagree, simply allows the behavior to continue. When I faced the backlash of confronting people that were stealing, no one else said a word. Maybe one or two to others that they knew supported my calling it out, but to the hoard, no. They wanted it to stop, verbalized support to me, but often refused to "get into it" with people that they knew disagreed. The courage eluded them to even say what they believed. The opposite of courage is cowardice. Courage is doing the right thing, saying what you mean and standing by it. While I might disagree with the 67 years old man, I applaud his courage to speak his opinion in spite of backlash. For those that would judge that courage, I ask you to think about who is talking here. "Consider the source," my Grams would say. The source is a man who in spite of what he believes also said he believes ONLY God can judge. He's not some backwoods redneck from the Bayou just running his trap. He's an old man, who actually probably is more broader minded than those that are running around condemning him. He spoke his mind, opening up dialogue, and he probably was raised to condemn homosexuality but has accepted that only God can judge. Those that condemn his courage are the ones to worry about. Hypocrisy and cowardice are what come out of the woodwork when courage rears its head.
Someone asked me since I moved home, why I left. Most of my friends know there were multiple reasons. The truth is for all my strength we all face those things that test our resolve. Our ability to stand our ground. I waited for two years after I graduated Clemson. Then realized that I was waiting for nothing, and figured that I needed to move on. It wasn't courage to run away. It was a logical thing to do. It had nothing to do with courage. Like I stated indirectly earlier, intellect and courage are not one in the same. I had logicked that the only way to deal with a situation was to walk away, and I let a coward chase me from the one place that I had ever considered home. This coward had abused the hell out of me, and when it looked like my life had any chance of happiness that same coward chose to intimidate the one person that had what he had not. My heart. We can debate whether the heart was misplaced, but I make no qualms with friends about the fact that I gave it away and never got it back. I thought it would catch up with me, but then I realized that my own cowardice--running away from the problem--had made it so that I couldn't have it back. Whether the man who was intimated by the coward that beat the crap out of me should've had it in the first place is all up for debate. He is probably the only one that knows the answer to that. Most of my friends have a lot of sympathy for the guy that was dating me, because it became a very complicated situation. I was simply going to have this coward follow me around, even after he married someone else, making me miserable if he could have his way. I know in retrospect that if his new wife knew he'd have been in a world of sh*t. Coming home, I was confronted with the loss again. Honestly, the first time I had to deal with him--it's a small town after all--was not easy. I wanted to bash his head in. His wife is a friend and she really loves him. I still really wanted to bash his head in. He's not worth it; he never was. That's why he never got my heart. And, ironically, that's also why he made the other guy so miserable. At the time, he couldn't accept that my heart followed this other guy around like a puppy dog. Jealousy and cowardice are often hand and foot, and instead of having the courage to stand up for myself I ran away.
Courage is often something that we recognize in battle, but we don't think of in the day to day. I often think when someone talks of courage of the story in the Bible of Jesus stepping in the way of a crowd stoning a woman for being a whore. How many of us would step in the way? An NBC show "What would you do?" had an example of a grocery store customer berating a mentally handicapped person in front of other customers. So few of the people said anything. I see those bracelets on people--WWJD--and look at them as they knock into someone and don't mutter even an "excuse me", let alone an apology, and wonder do they even know that story from the Bible. My Grams said that she only rented her and my grandfather's rentals to "good Christian black families". Yes, well maybe she said negro, but it was in her experience they took better care of the property. Was it true? I don't know. I would expect outrage if it came out of my mouth, but I was born in 1968 not 1908. If she was alive, I wouldn't expect her wording to change much. It was appropriate for her day and age. In fact, it was courage in her day and age to say that she would only rent to black families. I heard people criticize her when I was little. For a 67 years old man, it was probably courage to say he thinks only God can judge people that are homosexual considering his generation. It is still courageous to come out and openly be gay in high school. It is still courageous to stand up and do the right thing in spite of the hoards being in opposition. It is still courageous to finally stand up and say "enough". In fact, sometimes, it's harder to say "enough" after a long time has passed. After over a decade, it wasn't easier to say that the Nazis had been wrong and committed unthinkable atrocities. Sometimes, courage is just as simple as being able to say to yourself that you ran away and it's time to go home. None of us know our own courage until we step up and face whatever it is that has put us in our place. Inside that cup that I received a couple years ago: "Strength comes from within." Sometimes it lies in wait within until we can stand it no more. Say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, but remember to appreciate those things that you are willing to stand up for and maybe show the courage to stand up for those things that you know you should've in the first place.
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