I'm not one to say that I am "happy" or "unhappy". Suffice to say, I think most people either accept that they are a glass half full type or a glass half empty type. I suppose that's not much to most people. "Happy" people tend to be those that are glass half full types. "Unhappy" people in contradiction tend to be glass half empty types. I know that's an awfully simplified point of view, but it's true. More importantly, we will never be able to make a "happy" person from an "unhappy" person, because truly the only people that can fix that are the unhappy people themselves. Then it comes down to choosing to have those people in our lives or not. I know this sounds pretty deep for a Saturday morning. But that really is what it comes down to. I have friends that are dealing with "bad" times, and no one understands how difficult the holidays can be for some people than me. So when a friend was going on about how "bad" things were, bitching about her sister and her brother, how much she didn't get along with her brother, lamenting that she isn't more like her mother because her mother is to her a very fun person, and making negative comments about where she lives, her decision to refinance, et cetera, I just listened. I tried in my usual fashion to make light--a couple of ugly sweaters went by, pointing out people that were just having fun, and when someone she knew walked in, I thought that might lighten her load on her mind a little. If that's what happened, then this wouldn't be a blog, now would it?
After going to the bathroom, she was demanding why I wouldn't have another beer. I was the designated driver and while I had one and planned on maybe two or three through the night, I knew very well this weekend isn't the best time to be out drinking. Next weekend will be worse. Besides, she had been going on and on about how her job would be in jeopardy if she drank and drove--in spite of her driving drunk the night before across the county because a friend told her she "had to" stay on the couch. I wasn't sure why if that was supposedly her plan in the first place that she would deviate from that plan just because someone "insisted", but I figured this is more about the fact that the holidays aren't really easy for anyone. Then out of the blue, she tells me that I'm not a happy person and that I'm acting miserable. OK, just because I wasn't drinking, I was a miserable person. I wasn't drinking because I had designated myself as the driver for the night, because of her job and her going on and on about how she could lose her job, and because she lived on the complete opposite side of town. Oh, and I damn well didn't feel like it. Simple. Sometimes, I just don't feel like drinking but a beer or two. I've never really had friends make a big deal out of it. Hell, I'm pretty sure most don't even notice it. I asked her if she had a cigarette when she went to the bathroom--thinking maybe she was edgy because she couldn't smoke where we were at. She went to smoke and I just recentered. Figured we'd start a different conversation. When she got back that lasted all of two minutes. She started in on whether I danced, "cut loose' and ever enjoyed myself. Wow. Then insisted that I should probably have a beer if I couldn't have fun any other way. Again, wow. Now, anyone that knows me fairly well, knows I don't take verbal abuse anymore. Period. I asked her to clarify her thoughts. She told me that she had gone through all my Facebook pictures recently and I always look so happy. Well, yea, I thought, I make the best of any situation. So she didn't understand why I wasn't having fun with her. Why I wasn't going to drink and "cut loose". Wow. I explained that I used to go out dancing all night and most of the time only had a couple of drinks because when I was going to school I really couldn't afford to go out "drinking". I'd be out on the dance floor from 8 pm to 5 am and drink water most of the night. Well, that wasn't really possible to her.
OK, I asked her if she realized that she was projecting. What was projecting? Projecting I explained was when someone thinks something about themselves and forces that view of themselves onto someone else. She didn't follow. I told her I don't need to drink to have fun with my friends--it's fun, don't get me wrong. But, I knew she would have issues with work and I volunteered to be DD and was fine with it. I had to drive her across town when we were done and then drive back in the opposite direction home. I just would prefer not to on the Friday before Christmas. Plus, I had been out with friends the night before and I knew I have a Christmas party tonight. I just didn't feel like overloading myself over the holidays, so I was fine having fun with her and letting her "cut loose". She insisted that I look so happy all the time and why not right now...*sigh*. At that moment, a really good friend of mine walked over and gave me a big hug. I talked with him and she stormed off. Sent me a text that she had a ride home and left. I ended up having a good time with other friends because I wasn't going to go home when I wasn't tired, but I still only had a couple beers that my friend insisted on buying me over the next couple of hours. I didn't want more and none of my friends that I ended up with for the rest of the evening "insisted" that I drink.
What I've noticed over the last five years is that there are a lot of "miserable" people that don't really realize that they are so unhappy, and that most of them project those emotions onto other people. Most people, like this friend of mine, simply do not want to admit they aren't happy with things. I knew I was unhappy in Kansas, but I also had a reason to my madness. I wanted my kids to stay in the same school through high school. I had failed my oldest. I have since failed my youngest. My middle son will be the only one that graduates from the same high school as he started. I knew I wasn't happy, but I knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel too. I had already told my boys I would move back to the South, preferably South Carolina's Upstate, after they graduated. I had a plan, and I made the most of what I did have. I cut the people that projected their misery out of my life pretty much entirely. I kept the good friends and distanced myself from the ones that acted like this friend did. It was hard enough being in a place that I didn't want to be surrounded by people that were happy--let alone with people that were miserable schmucks.
I know this friend is a "survivor". A strong person who has survived some hardships that might have crushed others. She's not the only one. I know lots of "survivors". I myself am one. But none of us are the "only one". Hardships that don't break us don't always leave us in the best place. Yet, there seems to be a big difference between her and I. My hardships are gone. Life lessons that I just have to chalk up as fate, God, signs, something, leaving me with a brighter light, tested metal now finely polished into a fine saber. Others, like her, the life lessons have taken a toll, drowned them each time a little more, the tested metal just as sharpened but hardened and the malleability gone--more likely to snap at any added pressure. I've been there--we all have been. The difference is that some of us choose to be beacons and others choose to create crutches, project our own issues on others, and live embittered. I don't have the answer why one way or the other. I have made choices myself sometimes that have made me unhappy for some greater good. I'm not the one to judge. But if that greater good is for an eternity, then something is wrong. There should always be a light at the end of the tunnel. My light was coming back to where I knew I belonged, regardless of the reasoning I had to be elsewhere. Maybe my friend simply hasn't found her light at the end of the tunnel.
For those of my friends and readers that have wondered if they are happy or just pretending to be, think about how you view yourself when you look in the mirror. We all are the most conscious of our own flaws. Then look at how you view others. This friend said I look happy in every picture. They didn't nickname me "Happychick" because I'm not a happy chick. How come I'm not happy with her? That is projecting at its best. It's not that I'm not happy with her; it's that she's not happy and therefore it doesn't make sense why not her. I get it. It's hard to see the forest when you're standing with your nose right on a tree trunk. But if you are wondering something like that, then there's a reason and the reason hasn't got anything to do with the person you're mad at, jealous of, or upset with. The issue is yours and no matter how happy that other person is they're not going to be able to fix you. She wants to be happy, so she wants to be as happy as she sees me being. I can't make her happy. Only she can figure that out. We live in our own heads and no matter how much we think someone else can fix us the only person that can fix us is ourselves.
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