I realized that my last blog was all about getting out of a relationship and recognizing what we don't need in our lives, but then I realized that most of us are actually wondering what we actually should be looking for in a relationship. I'm certainly not the person to be giving this advice from my own experience. I've had one relationship that I would classify as "perfect" and obviously if it was that "perfect" it would've lasted. However, I am one of those lucky people to have observed quite a few of my friends that have those "perfect" relationships. Unlike in the last blog where I explained that advice from someone who has stuck out a miserable relationship might not be worth much, the advice from people that have those "perfect" relationships is usually very helpful. If not at finding that "perfect" relationship, at least it is helpful proving that those types of relationships are out there, they are possible, and yes, every single one of us has the chance of finding it.
So first, let's be clear on what is "perfect". Perfect is not perfection. What is perfect is when two people can have that "perfect" relationship together. Since no two people are exactly alike, neither can any two relationships be exactly alike. A failed relationship with one person doesn't mean that we can never have a "perfect" relationship with someone else. But a "perfect" relationship, or at least the potential to be able to identify one when we possibly have found one, means that we really need to know ourselves--both the good and the bad. No one really is "bad" per se, but we have our faults and we really need to know what our faults are to be comfortable enough to know when they might be interfering with any relationship. For example, I'm extremely energetic in almost every facet of my life. That doesn't sound bad from the jump, but it can be. Extremely negative people can pull that energy out of me and my responses become less and less tempered. My way of coping at that point is venting. That's pretty normal for most women--the venting thing. At a certain point, venting will be done and frustration begins to build. Once that frustration builds up to a boil, then it can come out. It's like a volcanic eruption and everything calms. While in these types of relationships, my energy acts much like an active volcano, teetering from dormant to erupting and back to dormant. I already know how these relationships end, regardless of how long I'm in them with a negative person. At a certain point, there's no more eruption; the volcano is extinct. The relationship has worn out and there's nothing left. While I know this is how this works with me, I seem to have no sense of negative versus positive partners. Another fault. I've wasted a lot of time with negative men. Another negative about me is that I know way too much stuff. I'm the epitome of walking encyclopedia and I'm a dilettante. In layman's terms, I'm great at trivia most of the time, but it's generally stupid useless information other than for interesting conversations. I know, some people would find this as fascinating and a big positive. That not knowing the difference between people who eventually find it annoying rather than endearing seems to be another failure of mine. So in a nutshell, to some people I'm a know-it-all with one hell of a temper. For that reason the most "perfect" relationship I ever had was with someone who never put me down because I'm a geek and who didn't ever act jealous or insecure or ever put me down. I'm not usually the jealous type and the only time I have been is when someone has actually given me reason to be. At that point that whole volcanic thing seems to feed those types that want us to be insecure and it's just a matter of time before there's just no more lava to erupt. Do I have more faults? Probably. I'm a pile person. I've always got a pile of mail or shoes somewhere. I like to hang dry almost all of my clothes--they last longer that way. I get itchy when I'm tired or extremely stressed. I'm a big kid at heart--I cannot tell you how many people in general think something is wrong with me because I go see kiddie movies, like Minions, at the theater, yet cannot see spending the money on "chick flicks" or most dramas that will look exactly the same on my TV at home as in the theater. I always have too many shoes and I can cuss like a sailor--probably because I actually was one. Still, from what I've observed, people that are truly happy and in "perfect" relationships know their own faults.
So once we know our own foibles, it might occur to us "who the hell would want me?" Well, here's one of the biggest observations of those "perfect" relationships that I have observed. The other person not only can tolerate all of those annoying faults, but they actually find some of our faults endearing. Those things that annoy someone who isn't "perfect" for us actually makes someone who is "perfect" for us smile. This may be very important if any relationship is going to be "perfect". It's hard for most of us to accept our own failures, "bad" things, foibles, so the need for someone to love us in spite of them is a big factor in our security and confidence. The "perfect" relationship helps to build our security and confidence because the "perfect" person for us actually can smile and see some positive in what we ourselves perceive as our negatives. This has to be both ways also. I've observed plenty of people in miserable relationships because they are willing to overlook the "failures" of their partner, but their partner is not willing to overlook theirs. Honestly, this could be because the person is far to critical, insecure themselves, or whatever. Yet, again, there's no way to have a good relationship with someone who puts you down or is constantly trying to put you in your place. We can force that to work, but we sacrifice ourselves in the effort. A "perfect" relationship doesn't result in that kind of self sacrifice.
Such self sacrifice is never warranted or observed in a "perfect" relationship, because "perfect" relationships have mutual respect. Nothing is ever 50-50. There's a lot of give and take in any relationship, but there is mutual respect and the overall result is actually 50-50. We cannot have mutual respect with alcoholics or drug addicts, because the nature of addiction means everyone around the addict is sacrificing something of themselves. The ability to have mutual respect also calls for both people to have self respect. If a person doesn't have respect for themselves, it's impossible for them to truly have respect for others. I've seen plenty of relationships that lack mutual respect and it's almost always because one or both of the parties have no self respect. Misery loves company, and if someone with no self respect is going to be in a relationship, so much the better if they are in one with another person who has no self respect. No reason for both of them to be making two additional people miserable. Mutual respect also makes it easier for each person to make the sacrifices that might be needed to make a relationship work. I know a friend of mine is married to a former lawyer. I say former, because his career took them, their family, out of the country for several years. Another friend was unemployed because of the economy and they had to make sacrifices to make ends meet. Mutual respect allows two people to weather even what might seem extremely complicated to the rest of us, because a pothole in the road or even a bulging gorge can be discussed and worked through in those "perfect" relationships because the mutual respect creates a deep trust.
Trust is just a common sense factor for the "perfect" relationship. Trust is easy for someone who's never had their heart broken, but as we get older, particularly if we have been burned, trust is a high commodity. Children trust unequivocally, but adults become leery as trust is taken but not given, broken with words or acts, or just because it was really never there in the first place. Trust is one of those things that can be instant for some of us and for others it can be one of those things that must be earned. It might be better if both people have the same view--instant or earned, but honestly I've never seen two trustworthy people where that instant/earned minutia seemed to matter. I can honestly say that trust allows both people to have the freedom to be themselves and still be part of their relationship. Trust is pretty much the obvious requirement. If there is none, on either side or both, the relationship is never going to be that "perfect" relationship because the roller coaster ride never stops.
Finally, a similar mind. Don't ask me exactly what this means. I'm going to try to explain. I'm a geek, well read, yet the best relationship I ever had wasn't with a geek that was well read. Yet, we could talk for hours and hours in spite of the fact he wasn't much of a talker. He was when he was with me. One of my best friends and her husband, one of the all time "perfect" couples, don't actually agree on religion but neither of them pushes the issue. They are so alike in so many ways and in others they are each other's compliment. If kids are in a relationship's future, it helps if both people believe in the same type of upbringing. This can cause a LOT of complications if the two people cannot agree. But, without kids (aka. already have grown kids), it really doesn't matter. Every grandparent has the same plan--spoil them rotten and send them home. There's a meeting of the minds that just meshes. There have to be some similarities but not always or a lot. There has to be a love to do things together--spending time together and enjoying it seems to be the most important of this sub-thing I'm calling a similar mind. Of course, it must be to the right amount of time too. Some people are inseparable and some need solitary time. This similar mind needs to meet there too. I'm learning that I need some solitary time--not sure I always did, but I like to write my blog and work on my novel. Neither being my job, I need that solitary time just to do those two things that give me a sense of accomplishment. Someone who smothers me and expects all my time to revolve around them begins to interfere with who I am. By similar mind, I also mean that you don't have to lose who you are in the process of a relationship. Nothing "perfect" can come out of losing ourselves. I think this is often what ruins relationships that start at too young of an age. Many women, particularly when they are younger, cater themselves to their relationships and eventually, have lost themselves in the process. Yet, often women who are getting divorced in their 30s and 40s cite that they aren't happy because they couldn't be themselves anymore, when in truth they might never have been themselves in their less than perfect relationships that appeared "perfect" to their partner. Similar mind really depends on the two people in the relationship. As I stated earlier, what would not work for person A & B might work for A & C, and that "similar mind", the mindset of the two people matching in those things that each of them find important--whatever those things may be--is paramount to a successful relationship--to that "perfect" relationship.
I know. It might not be that helpful or might not seem like it. But it's pretty much what I've observed in all my friends' relationships that have that all elusive unicorn, the "perfect" relationship. Honestly, some people are simply never going to have the "perfect" relationship. A woman who constantly chases other women's men is never going to find her unicorn. A man who thinks he can buy a woman's love is never going to find his unicorn. A woman who believes all men are the same (abusive, alcoholics, selfish, etc.) will never find her unicorn. A man who is always looking for better than he already has will never find his unicorn. These are just broken people who are destined to be miserable. But for those of us that are self-aware and have the ability to be a partner, then the elusive unicorn is actually out there.
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