I woke up this morning remembering that I no longer have my safety net. Some of my friends know what this was. It was a little odd that I woke up thinking about it today since it wouldn't have been until next year. So very few people know that next year I was going to get married--assuming I was still single. My safety net, as I referred to it, was really never going to happen.
To be honest, I knew that it would never happen when I made a promise to marry one of my friends. The first time he asked was at his own birthday party where he dropped on one knee and asked me to marry him...to my horror. I couldn't run away fast enough. It wasn't what I wanted. Fast forward twelve years. Over a game of pool, we used to bet on pool games--silly little bets; we made a couple of little bets. Then he asked me again, over a pool game, a tiny little bet, that I would marry him. He lost. So instead of another bet, he just asked if we were still single on his 50th birthday would I marry him. I promised I would. So he'd be forty-nine this year and I'd probably have to seriously start facing that promise...except my friend passed away a couple years ago from complications resulting from alcoholism.
Not that it really matters. I knew it was never going to happen. He had a lot of health issues when I promised, and somehow, I just always knew that it was not meant to be. I won't say that I didn't cry and cry when he passed away. He called me only days before, much like my Daddy had, and I just knew. But what I also knew, or at least what I'm realizing now, is that I've intentionally surrounded myself with men that I wouldn't actually marry.
Not that I don't want to be married. Part of me would love to have what some of my friends have. I have two friends that are married to each other, and they are the most wonderful couple in the world. Ok, my opinion, but if you don't have any friends that have that awesome relationship, then it's hard to picture. I have plenty of friends that have crappy marriages and some are better than others at fooling themselves. Some are even better at making a miserable marriage bearable. I know a lot of married couples that are just making the best of a miserable marriage. Most of them do eventually get divorced, but I'm always amazed at the large percentage that continue to be miserable. Truth be told I know only half a dozen "happily" married couples.
Marriage is probably not my cup of tea. I've spent the duration of my life focused on my boys. Focused on work. And I'm an oxymoron. So many people like to fit others into little boxes, but for many of us, our boxes are more like origami. I'm definitely an origami. I used to believe in soulmates. Mainly because I've observed my half dozen happily married couples with their significant others. If there is an argument for soulmates, those couples are. But only half a dozen? Perhaps if I only had lived in one place my entire life that would be an astronomical number. But in fact I only know that many because I have moved so much. I just don't really believe in that one person that "completes" you. It's one of those fairy tales that we grow up with in movies and novels. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen. I'm just saying it's like winning the lottery. The odds are so stacked against us...OK, maybe the odds are just stacked against me. I'm not really worried about it anymore. I just woke up this morning perfectly fine with it. Marriage was never my forte or I probably would've been married by now. Like a friend of mine once said of me, "Alex would be married if she wanted to be."
Maybe February 2017 I'll celebrate the marriage that is never going to be. In the meantime, here's to what was, what never was, and some things are never meant to be.
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