Okay, back to blogging about what...dating of course. So if you are one of my avid readers, you actually know how much I hate dating. I hate it so much I normally only date guys that I know have an issue that I can walk away from. Every guy I've dated since my ex-husband I always have that long list of issues that they will not work long term. Yes, I pretend there isn't but all my best friends know that there is a heinous little list I keep on every single one of them with only one exception. I have promised that I am not going to do this anymore. So instead of going into a dating experience, yea let's call it an "experience", picking the potential guy apart, I have gone into it with a different frame of mind. I look at what I like. I consider their positives and when I see a flaw that is outside of what I can tolerate, rather than drop that on the "magic list" for ways out later on down the road, I just call it a day.
It's been really, and I mean really, really, easy so far. First, by eliminating anyone for those faults that I would use as an excuse later, I avoid that entanglement of months or more of my life wasted on someone that I just genuinely wouldn't normally be interested in. I'm pretty proud of myself there. Over the last 6 months, I'm so very proud that I have been successful at this. Honestly. My mind is far too rational normally and I can easily cut off so-called friends. It has normally been harder for me to cut off a guy that I've talked to a couple of times until they actually do something that is on the list to me specifically. A favorite example is when I was in Kansas I dated this guy who was from the outside looking in perfect--great job, former military, very nice looking, but I immediately knew he didn't particularly care for me to have my own opinion. It went on the list--the other stuff wasn't on a counter list. Nope, just the fact that he might be good for a while, but not really for anything permanent. I know a lot of women that would've looked at him as a cash cow--he had money--and focused on that. I already gave you what I assessed as positives, but a deal breaker, for me anyway, allowing me to have my own opinions, and guess what? I stayed around for a bit. Like an idiot. But was it idiotic? I mean when I was done with him it was pretty easy to decide that he was never going to allow me to have my own point of view on shit, cuss him out and walk away. Of course, he would've been eliminated on the first date if I had just cut him off as soon as that flaw hit the "magic list". So yes, it's been super, super easy to cut anyone off immediately after I realize what flaw would make the "magic list". Buh,buh,bye.
On the other hand, there was, well is, another side to this stupid promise I made myself. I promised to only date someone who's "viable". Now, let's consider this shall we? "Viable" means that I focus on their positives. This has been pretty easy too. All I'm doing is eliminating someone the minute they show me something that would normally go on that "magic list". So, what exactly is "viable"? Well, I've been telling myself that it's someone that is what I need and what I actually like. Okay, first, not to sound like a total smart ass, but that means he actually has to be a very smart guy--not necessarily book smart or formally educated but smart. I'm interested in all kinds of things and know a whole lot about all kinds of absolutely useless information and I need someone that likewise has that issue to some degree. They get me. They make up all of my best friends, male and female, and therefore, if I really want my very best friend, the one that I couldn't live without, it stands to reason that they should have this quality. So far, congratulate me, I've only had conversations with 2 men total that have gotten passed this stage in over 6 months. I'm thinking that's not actually half bad. Now that's not to say that there are not more out there; there probably are that I haven't actually talked to. I don't expect my friends to be as smart as me, but my best friends do bring this quality to the table. So far. Two. This is not like walking into a strawberry patch and being able to eat myself sick that is for sure. Hell at this rate, I actually never needed the "magic list".
Of course, the "magic list" if we are really honest didn't exist so that I could eliminate anyone. It existed because I didn't want to be alone but long term I didn't want to be stuck with anyone that was horrible to me. Now, well, I guess I don't really care if I'm alone per se. So it's something that has changed in me. I still don't want to be hurt, but the un-viable if you spend long enough with them will hurt just as bad as the viable, except the truly viable, the right person, would never hurt us intentionally. And they certainly would realize and figure out how to make it right if they did. The biggest problem with the un-viable is that at a certain point you just don't want them to make it right--you just want them to go away. The biggest problem with the viable--it actually hurts when it doesn't work for whatever reason and regardless of the time invested. With an un-viable, there's really no time invested that is going to hurt to the core. It might hurt for a while--it might confuse you for a longer time, but your heart knows it wasn't right and your head was just forcing it. With viable, your heart is paying no attention and is getting way too excited over what might never work. No matter how much your mind is telling it shut the hell up, the heart is basically a moron that just jumped on your sleeve and that shit is going to hurt. Dating an un-viable is like jumping off a cliff with a parachute, a reserve and a safety net to catch you at the bottom. You already know how it ends before it gets started. Dating a viable is like jumping off a cliff. You might go splat at the bottom but your heart is already overruling your mind and you're completely fucked. It's fly or hit the ground.
Eventually your mind can rationalize anything, but you find yourself knowing that the viable is a lot more effort, a lot more energy and a lot, and I mean a lot, more risk. If the risk is supposed to be worth the reward, the hardest part about dating anyone that actually excites the heart is that you have absolutely no idea whether the reward is worth it. There's no way to calculate it like when you play the stock market. With money you know how much is there to lose when you put it up in the first place. Of course, one thing is absolutely for sure with the heart. There's no way of knowing if the risk is worth the reward. The risk is there no matter what and the more often we find out what we thought was viable isn't going to work, well, I suppose the harder it is to try another viable. It's really tempting to go back to old patterns of sabotaging myself with an un-viable candidate. Predictability is nice. Of course, during this stupid little experiment, the one thing I've learned is that I'd rather be alone than with un-viable. Hooray.
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