sometimes, i get asked what i want out of life. today was one of those days. what goals do i have for myself and where do i want to be in 5 years? well, sometimes it's not a question of what i want. hell, i'm trying to think of when the last time it was about what i wanted. the last thing i did that was just for me, well, i was 21. i joined the United States Navy. that was all me, all for me, and where it might have impacted other people they had no input on my decision. honestly, i think a lot of us like to live in the world where we think that our decisions are just about ourselves. well, perhaps, but no decision only affects ourselves.
my decision to join the navy didn't affect just me. i had an ex-fiance who i'm pretty sure would've preferred if i hadn't left before he got home from the army. my dad lost track of me, because well, i didn't bother to keep in touch (the reasons are not for public consumption). but i know that probably weighed on him in retrospect. the irony is that most decisions i made while i was in the military, were, well, military in nature. the navy dictated quite a bit--then marriage. i had to include my ex. then my sons. now a dog, a job. no, no one ever really makes a decision that only affects themselves unless they have no family whatsoever, no pets, no job. otherwise, our decisions affect someone--boss, co-workers, family, pets...just a reality.
so what do i want 5 years from now? well, i want my youngest to be ready to graduate from high school. do i want to think what i want after that? yea, i want to live on a beach somewhere, own a small bar, and ride my motorcycle. will that happen in 6 years? well, without hitting the lottery, probably not. will that be a decision that affects only me? no, i have 3 boys--they might be starting families of their own in the next 10 years. i might choose to believe that my decisions will only affect me, but i'll still affect them, my grandchildren (if and when), and the dog (assuming he lives an average of 12 years since he's only 2 now).
does it matter? yes and no. my plan right now is to interfere as little as possible with a normal high school life for my 2 younger sons. that means trying to stay put for the duration. that's my plan. after--who knows? i might be dating someone seriously by then--i know i've gotten sick of dating, but the reality is that i'm still "cute" (don't ask me to explain why i'm using that word specifically) and i'm interesting, -ish, most of the time. i love to snuggle and pillows don't really cut it. so likely, no matter what i say, i'm not really built to be alone long term. i'm just completely unwiling to settle based on some of the nightmares that i've endured. i'm not even sure what i'm looking for. i don't have a list of wants for a potential relationship. there's no plan there either. love isn't planned--love happens. my plan for the dog is euthanasia--just kidding. he's probably going to be my big baby by the time the boys have cleared out of the house.
do i have things that i'd like to do? yep...don't we all? do i have a list? well, yes and no. i want to see certain things--the caribbean, the louvre, the great wall, hong kong, and ac/dc. i'd like to spend a couple weeks roaming the scottish highlands--maybe on a harley. i'm not picky. if i get to see the great wall, then i'm pretty sure that would expand a little--the summer palace and gardens and maybe the forbidden city. but i know i'd be perfectly content just seeing the great wall. i'd like to go to sturgis--but per a previous blog, that will be me and my bestest girlfriends this year!! :) i've done a lot already, seen a lot of wonderful things, and i've got no reason to complain that i haven't seen ac/dc,...yet. a great band like them is bound to do one more tour--look at the stones for crying outloud. or ozzy--the last tour was supposedly a few years back--til this year. he's in kc in a couple of weeks!!! so there's likely still hope yet :)
i know my optimism can be annoying. setbacks and missing out on things can either motivate you to do better and enjoy the things that you get to or you can wallow away longing for all the things that you missed out on and end up missing out on way more. i choose the former. so the next 5 years are a "wash" according to one person--i don't think so. yes, i have the plan based on my boys. i have a long term plan too. i don't feel the need to figure out an intermediary plan today. everything in between the plans is just gravy. life is my adventure, and i'll just enjoy it regardless of the plan.
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