resolute resolutions

for some reason, new years come with anticipation of a better year, a better life, a better you. new years are infamous for new year's resolutions. we all dream of self-improvement, but most of us are, as the old adage goes, "old dogs" that cannot by ourselves learn new tricks. one of my favorite sayings is "all we are is all we know", and the idea that we might somehow re-write ourselves on the burst of a new year is simply ridiculous. (for those of you scratching your head trying to remember why that saying is so familiar--it's a quote from a nirvana song.) it is a truth. we simply don't re-invent ourselves every year. how can we? we often are only going from those experiences and those habits that we have developed through observations. in fact, most of us don't make deep setting new year's resolutions about who we are. normally we choose only the most superficial things to change anyway, and most often fail miserably. changing even superficial things like how often we work out, quiting smoking, eating healthier, well, these things are a chore and we give up on average within 3 months. we cannot change who we are without experiencing that which we do not know, and just because it's new year's day doesn't mean much to any of us--certainly not enough to make a permanent change.

yes, i know. losing weight is a great goal for some people--particularly in this day and age of health conciousness. quiting smoking is obviously healthier, not only for you but for everyone around you. eating healthier--well, even i could probably stand to eat more fruit and vegetables. but why do we choose these superficial things to change? because we know even these things are hard. how do you lose weight when you have horrible eating habits, horrible exercise habits, a tremendous daily schedule already with work, family, and responsibility? we are overwhelmed even by a small change like this. (ah, yes, i did state small--stay with me here. i'm getting to it.) the success rate for most people with these tiny changes that are actually good for them is less than 2%. really. think about that. most of us give up within 3 months. hell, not even most of us--at that tiny success rate, we could almost say all of us.


we generally don't choose more complex goals. i mean seriously when's the last time you heard someone say that their new year's resolution was to be nicer to everyone, volunteer for a soup kitchen, or try to be less moody. i don't think it's because we don't want to (ok, maybe some people don't want to, but that's another blog). it might be partially because some people don't see their own shortcomings--or even that if we do we are ok with our shortcomings. no one's perfect, but we all want to be better. our desire for improvement is what has made the world a better place than it was say, 200 years ago or 400 years ago. we often want to improve our own lives and the lives of others around us. tesla dreamed of wireless electricity and free power for all mankind. (hahaha. ok, now we know why my hero died penniless.) scientists dream of curing cancer and other diseases. even our parents generally dream of us achieving more and being more than they were themselves (i know that's a generalization, but those that don't are for another blog). so why don't we choose more lofty changes for our new years' resolutions? well, for one, the astronomical failure rate. we cannot stand to fail, so we choose things that will not affect our confidence. we choose things that we can blame on other things--time, other responsibilities, artificially increased drugged cigarettes. we don't want to feel bad for failing at anything--so we generally choose things that the failure can be mitigated by circumstance. no one needs a blow to the ego from their own failure.


but it's not just that. that is just part of the equation. the other part of the equation is "all we are is all we know". we can't drive a car safely without first learning to drive. for some of us, learning to drive was quite simple--we'd observed our parents, it seemed very natural to us, and we didn't fail our driver's license exam. for others, well, it was like pulling our own teeth with a pair of pliers. driving was scary, and worse yet, required. it was exciting, but at the same time, we weren't good at it. we failed, some over and over. we finally got the hang of it, but we still get antsy after 20 years when someone drives 2 miles an hour over the speed limit. it fascinates us or terrifies us that others would drive a race car at 150 miles an hour, let alone the clown that just passed us at 5 miles over the speed limit. so relearning old habits is like i started earlier--"like teaching an old dog new tricks"--only the dog typically doesn't try to learn them all on his own. we get it into our heads that new year's resolutions are a weight we must carry on our own. loftier resolutions would quite simply mean we needed someone else's help--opening a whole new can of worms. needing someone else's help means admitting two very terrifying things: you can't do it yourself (horrible!!) and that if you fail, someone else knows it. we choose superficial resolutions because these two things suck. telling someone that you failed at losing weight--well, as i said, there's a myraid of excuses that can absolve us of not achieving. telling someone we failed at something bigger--like going back to school to finish a degree--well, that could be devastating because there's no one else to blame but ourselves.


now i know a lot of us will pick loftier resolutions at times. we've all heard someone say, "it's bad luck to share your new year's resolutions." no, it's not. it's that we don't want to advertise our anticipated failure. we'll tell you at the end of the year if we accomplished it--if not, it was none of your business anyway. of course, i've already touched on the difficulty to teaching ourselves new tricks without a new perspective. thousands and thousands of self-help books are out there for us to get quiet, anonymous aid. of course, this doesn't work really well either. it's like going on a diet for the mind. we're eating, hell devouring, the carrots in the pages, but it's still not tasting right. the books advise us in generalizations what we should or could change, but only a chapter here or there really applies to us. i write blogs all the time--how often are they applicable to everyone? ok, they're always applicable to me, but other than me? they might be entertaining as hell or thought-provoking or completely wasted blurbage depending on who's reading, what moment of the day it is for them, and how much of what i'm talking about might translate to their own lives. so we can spend a buttload of money on self-help books for one chapter of help. and not even great help. i've read some of these--they generally tell me why things are wrong (which is ridiculous--i know what's wrong or i wouldn't be trying to change it) and then explain why it's wrong (again, duh) and then give a few suggestions at improvement. then it's all back on the reader--all back on us to figure out how to make it work. how do we use those suggestions? how do those suggestions become improvement? how do we interlace those suggestions into who we are, adding to what we know, and becoming a better person? well, here's a shocker (feel the sarcasm?!?)--generally we don't. we buy another book next year with the same--although slightly adapted--resolution. a quiet failure, unadvertised, isn't really failure at all, right? does a tree that falls in the forest make a noise if no one hears it?


if we think about it, anyone taking on a new year's resolution is like an alcoholic trying to give up alcohol. they tell them in aa (alcoholics anonymous for those of you that have been living in a cave for the last 40 years) that they should take it one day at a time. it is the same with new years' resolutions. making just one should be lofty enough for any dog, young or old, and then it should be an everyday thing--eventually even an old dog can be taught to sit or roll over.

but here's another important take away from the aa analogy: does every alcoholic have the epiphany on new years? no, certainly not. why do we insist on making resolutions on a day that generally means nursing a hangover, watching football, and dreading going back to work? success of any determined resolution, new year's or not, is about recognizing that we want that improvment and why. alcoholics often have hit rock bottom before they get help. non-addictions aren't a direct parallel. but consider this: it's proven that larger success rates for giving up smoking is picking a day with some meaning to the smoker--the anniversary of a family member's death who died from lung cancer, for example. the success rate goes up exponentially. a common factor in people that sustain successful weight loss (bar medical afflictions that cause weight problems) is a determination to do this with their children in mind, being around to see things that they might not see if their weight stays too high. even alcoholics anonymous has mentors--another addict to assist the addict through the nightmare. it becomes not just a question of doing it for yourself, but doing it with support of others--past, present and/or future. success in changing something seems very dependent on having a support system to help us through our own doubts, fears, anxieties, whatever might make us give up our resolutions.

my suggestion to new year's resolutions--shove them out the window. they mean nothing. pick a day that means something to you--your mother's birthday, your birthday, your son's birthday (you get the picture). then make a resolution for improvement that day and don't keep it to yourself. pick someone that you know can assist you in achieving your goal--someone that can push you when needed, argue that you want to change this (when you'd rather revert), just pick someone who you trust to be honest with you and help you through the change that you want to achieve. dedicate it to someone that you care about. if you knew a family member that died homeless, and you want to volunteer at a homeless shelter, see if you can find a friend or family member to achieve this magnificient goal with you. if you know you're a stubborn ass sometimes and desire to learn to be more accommodating, get a friend that loves you just the way you are to point out when you're doing it. they're not going to judge you, but you can't do it on your own. something new is scary, resolutions are scary, and failure is scarier. resolutions are supposedly about something we want to improve about ourselves, but those improvements are never really just about ourselves. so throw out the every man for himself theory on new year's resolutions and start looking at them as goals, tangibles, and don't be afraid to ask for help to achieve. you don't have to start it january 1; you can start that journey on february 28th, april fool's day or halloween if you want to. resolutions should not be about a new year--it should always about a resolute new you.