true sisterhood

this morning i received a fantastic text message from one of my oldest friends. it was super sweet, inspirational, and a reminder to how phenomenal we all are. it made me feel good after reading it, set my morning off to a good start, and of course, i forwarded it to all "my girls" to spread the love. i forwarded it to 32 women--each of whom i think is great. not just because they're my friends, but because each of them are not only dear to me, but are phenomenal women. i realized that there's about another dozen or so that i don't have cell phone numbers for to text this inspiration to. over 40 women in my life are wonderful, great women. i say all the time that "we can never have enough wonderful women in our lives". they not only remind us how great we are and can be, but they remind us how wonderful life is. they listen when we're down, they inspire us to succeed, they share our laughter and our pain, and they accept us for who we are.

i recently read a book called (damn i wish blogger would let me underline) "the twisted sisterhood". it talks about how we, women, cut each other down, tear each other apart, and often think nothing of it. the movies like "mean girls", "heathers", "she's the one", on and on and on--illustrate over and over how vicious some of us actually are. oh, yes, some. not all of us resort to that crap. as the author of that book mentioned, we, like her, often maintain only a very small, close network of female friends--ones that we know will not slice, dice or puree us at that first moment that they can benefit from it--in amusement, in self-preservation, or just to be mean b*tches. however, i am a firm believer that there are thousands upon thousands of these tiny small clicks--that themselves become part of the problem. the reluctance to take in new women from fear of being burned, stabbed, or otherwise mutilated (metaphorically, of course people) by another estrogen toting powerhouse is scary stuff. they don't make horror movies that can scare us that deeply to the core. we often joke it off when we talk about women that have severed out trust, cut out throats for some self-serving manipulative move. but that pain can linger for years, decades, and often is the hardest pill of any pill to swallow. we joke it away, attempt to diminish and dismiss in the guise of a joke, but it's not funny. and, it's not diminished. over time, all wounds heal, scars fade. yet, the lesson learned is to be guarded, trust few, let in no new others, and judge other women as they come with doubt, skepticism, and sometimes, cruel behavior. we have, as this author has, a small click. we have our comfort zone.

i have moved quite a bit over the years, and my comfort zone has to be re-created each time. yes, i have met women that are these vicious b*tches, out to judge, manipulate, create games, feed their own shallow needs, and benefit exponentially, in their minds, from the mutilation of others. i am always an easy target. i'm the new kid on the block. in addition, my friends often point out that i tend to attract jealous women like a bugs to a bug light. they are desperate to zap me--and honestly, there was a day when it was devastating. then it was annoying. now it's their problem, not mine. what i have learned as i moved over the years is that most women are good women. period. my grams used to tell me if i had one good, trusted friend in my lifetime, i could consider myself blessed. i have more than a dozen, and i consider myself blessed each time one of the many female friends that i have made over the years proves to be one of those that i can add to that trusted list. it's an awesome feeling to know that you have those women around you that you think of as sisters. it's also a phenomenal feeling to be able to "move" a friend into that most trusted category. this is a feeling that we should all look forward to, and yet, some look at it with dread.

why? why dread such a phenomenal feeling? it's not the idea of being able to add someone to our most trusted--it's the fear of the disappointment. we watch shows like "brothers & sisters", "desperate housewives", "one life to live", you name the stupid show, we eat it up like chocolate mousse--never considering it's shit on a platter. the media can dress it up all they want with sexy kittens and hot bod men, then show the mean b*tch getting what she deserves, but then coming around full circle as she rallies back and kicks the crap out of great scripted woman. we're so amused. we're reminded of the mean b*tch that made us guarded. we watch in tripidation, waiting for that b*tch to get what's coming to her. it's ridiculous. it's the same tired broken record, redressed over and over and over. it succeeds in making us feel good that b*tch got what was coming to her. it also reminds that those mean b*tches are out there, possibly our neighbors or good friends, that are out there just waiting to chew us up, spit us out and dance on what's left. it's wall building material--crap. why was it lucky if we had one good trusted friend in our lifetime? well, that was what we saw on tv. and here's the kicker ladies--it's all bullsh*t!!!

the scars are constantly poked by our own fears and watching crap that reminds us about how terribly painful it can be. but here's the truth: what heals those scars--what fades them away--is friends. not just the small click that we've insulated ourselves with. that is feeding the vicious circle--in our effort to insulate ourselves from mean b*tches, we fail to blossom ourselves. as i stated earlier, nothing has ever made me feel better than a friend that has been elevated to family--to sisterhood. it's not just refreshing-it's liberating. for one, i've realized that there are so many wonderful women out there--with so much to offer true friends--each wounded by some mean b*tch. but as my grams used to say, "one rotten apple can ruin a whole barrel". why are most shows and movies that depict these type of women focused primarily on 1 or 2? because there really aren't that many of them in comparision to the rest of us. one of them can damage an entire group of girls in high school, in a sorority, in life. just one. yes, i know the minions are just as much to blame in those moments, but following is not the same. as we become aware adults we move away from following--most of us--we know ourselves better and better. we often limit the time we are willing to spend with that mean b*tch.

of course, mean b*tches often have their little clicks too, but a glance in (and i have been lucky or unlucky, depending on your view of it) to have been pulled into these clicks on ocassion. they are horrible to each other, they have no concept of complimenting each other, raising each other up. it's all sugar and spice to the face and massive mind machetes, 9mm's, downright full scale warfare when the backs are turned. they're terrifying. worse yet? they are completely clueless what friendship really is or how to foster it. they use the word friend so callously that we coined a new word just for their type of friendship-- "frienemy". they're toxic, even though they have the outward appearance of having friends. they chew each other up--go back and lick their wounds--and return to the battle each day with new found anger and hatred bottled up in what the term "twisted sisterhood" doesn't even begin to define. they're not sisters. they will not go to bat for each other. they will not defend one another. and even as they congratulate one of their click in success--they secretly are wretching at the idea that someone else succeeded. they're not hard to spot--they are frothing at the mouth when a new woman is in the room. debating, wrangling in their minds how they can upstage one of their own--build an alliance, create that jealous, zealot behavior in their own click. it's not sisterhood--it's volatile, toxic, three mile island behavior. as the author of "the twisted sisterhood" points out, the women that most need to read that book will never read it, and if they do, they will never acknowlege that is them. period.

of course, this is not to scare the reader. it's to acknowledge that we have all suffered at the hands of other women. even the toxic are suffering (i know, we don't care). as i explained in previous blog, psycholgical scars are the hardest to bare, survive and overcome, and we, women, play that game better than any man ever thought of playing it. but how we bare those scars, how we choose to heal those wounds, how we survive the scarring, truly affects how we overcome. the scars may fade over time, but the truth is that scar fades more each time we add a new trusted friend. for many of us, that ended at one or two friends. we deprive ourselves of healing in an attempt to insulate ourselves. i've stated several times, once in this blog already, we can never have enough wonderful women in our lives. it renews our faith in our fellow man (both men and women), it renews our faith in our own sex, and it renews our faith in ourselves. it helps us to continue to blossom and grow as women, as human beings.

i know the risk is high--emotionally toxic people can really wound and anger. but for every one of them, there are 20 that aren't, 5 of whom we can be friends with, and maybe, if we are lucky, someone that could be family, that could be a sister. the true meaning of sisterhood is not the twisted toxicity that causes us to be guarded. it is definately not the guarding. these block our growth to sisterhood. i'm not saying to not be cautious, but we don't always need the moat, alligators and drawbridge up. we can let other women be our friends in metered doses and observe whether they truly are friends. i'm certainly not advocating hanging out with toxic barracudas at the expense of our own egos and psyches. but those mean b*tches are not the norm, they are the minority--granted vicious minority, but still a small minority. if any of us want to make a resolution (a new year's, a birthday, a st. patty's...), then resolve to add at least one new phenomenal woman to your life this year. yes, it is risky--you may expose yourself to a toxic one here or there, but that one fantastic new friend will make up for it tenfold. what truly heals the wounds toxic women inflict, what truly takes all their power away from them, is sisterhood. true sisterhood takes those scars away and builds the ability to trust--not just other women, but ourselves. "ya-ya!!!!"