#yesallwomen or #notallmen? How about and?

So a lot of women apparently are responding with #yesallwomen because of a mentally ill young man who went on a shooting spree with women telling their stories of assault, sexual misconduct, rape and other unfair, unethical and/or illegal treatment of women.  A myriad of responses from men now with #notallmen with men trying to defend themselves that not all men are like this young man.  A very good friend of mine had asked me what I thought being a single, educated woman who has raised three boys on my own.  He and his wife have 3 boys also, but I think he's wondering if my perception would be any different from his wife's or other female friends.  I tend to have a unique way of looking at things--outside the box, I suppose.

So the first thing I did was look up this young man's history.  His dad is a low end Hollywood director.  His mother was on some reality show.  He wanted to be important but he seemed to fall short of being anything more than less than what he envisioned himself as.  I feel sorry for this young man from a mother's perspective.  He was obviously ill, but we are so quick over the last 20 years to make excuses for everyone we have created these people that think they are entitled even though they've done nothing to try to earn anything for themselves.  This boy was no different.  He wanted it handed to him on a silver platter--hot girlfriend, awesome job, awesome money.  Bottom line, no one apparently ever told this young man, or at least instilled in him, the need to be responsible and earn those things that you think you want.  Even if he had earned those things he might have been dismayed by the fact that sometimes no matter how hard we work we don't get what we want.

Of course, his rants on YouTube (since pulled) have sparked the #yesallwomen and #notallmen--responses to the big can of worms in the room:  Are women victims still?  Are there still a lot of misogynistic men out there?  Are women still ill treated by a lot of men?  One woman's post compared men to a bag of M and Ms with 10% of them poisoned...basically claiming that women should have nothing to do with men at all because if 10% of them are "poison" why risk it?

First, the answer is:  yes AND no.

Yes, women still put up with male chauvinism in the workplace.  Women are still raped and it's still very difficult to prosecute rape cases because any attorney will tell you that rape is still the one case where they can get women's previous sexual history in front of the jury.  Women are still paid an average of 70 cents on the dollar to their male counterparts.

No, not all men are bad.  Even the 10%, assuming that I even believe it's that high, and by the way I don't, men are not poisoned food.  Men are human beings.  Like any of us on this planet, some of us are nicer than others, but I hardly think this young man is even remotely representative of all the men on this planet.  I may be a little naive, but I believe there are still a lot of good people in this world--that includes lots and lots of men.

Women as a whole have come a long way.  We have.  Only 100 years ago, we could not vote.  Only just over 80 years ago, women proved that we could weld and forge metal and supply a war machine with tanks, aircraft, jeeps and bombs.  It's only been 50 years since the birth control pill was legalized for American consumption via prescription.  Less than 40 years ago, there were still blue book laws that stated a woman could legally be raped by her husband.  Just over 20 years ago, the United States Navy stopped referring to women as WAVES (women's auxiliary volunteer emergency service) and started respecting women in the Navy as sailors.  Only in the last 20 years have the Army, Air Force and Marines followed suit.  In fact, in spite of studies done by the USSR and Israel proving that female snipers are more effective than male counterparts, American women still question ourselves whether we belong in combat roles or not--let alone whether men do.

We have forgotten what women before us endured:

Courts rarely sanctioned divorce and most often did not order any means of child support less than 50 years ago.

Societal norms only 200 years ago allowed a man in many cultures, including some European that migrated here to the United States, to rape his eldest daughter once his wife tired of sexually gratifying him or he grew tired of his wife's aging appearance.

Rape was sanctioned under marital law.  (You married him; you were stuck with him.)

Only 100 years ago, women could not own property in most circumstances.

Women were institutionalized at the turn of the last century if they did not conform with societal norms.  My own great aunt was institutionalized because she liked to wear pants.  By the time they had decided to release her because nothing was wrong with her, she had lived in a mental institution for over 40 years.

Women could not bare children out of wedlock without it being a piece of that child's record for the rest of their lives.  Children bore out of wedlock had their birth certificates stamped "bastard".  This practice went on in some states into the 1970s.

Women who insisted on divorcing their husbands could have their children taken from them and put into orphanages if they did not have the financial means to support their children.

Women were discouraged even by universities and colleges to attempt any programs other than nursing and teaching.

Rape was always the woman's fault.  She was always asking for it.  Our court system still has a hard time not allowing the victims of rape to be put on trial for their past, yet the defendant has the right to have their past excluded.

Women who married well financially, lived well financially.  Marital options were limited to those in your same social class.  Hell, even in the 1980s, I heard a friend's father say to him about a girl he was dating, "you date girls from the wrong side of the tracks; you don't marry them."  How's that for coming a long way, baby?

There are still blue book laws that state that a man, a spouse, can beat his wife in public and it's considered "domestic" not assault.  Even if there are 40 witnesses, in some areas, she still has to be the one to say he did it or he goes free.

Since women could hold no property 100 years ago, many women could not have any money whatsoever.  All household monies were their father's or husband's and therefore they couldn't purchase anything without his consent.

Only 50 years ago, it was considered socially unacceptable for a woman to show her knees.  Who knew the 1960s would blow that out of the water?!?!

Even now, we tell girls that they cannot wrestle or play football.  It's a big argument whether we can serve in combat.  One in 4 women have been raped.  70% of women say that sexual harassment still occurs in the workplace--while only 40% say that they would report it.  Women still get jealous of each other because of the way we look, carry ourselves, who our friends are.  We can be our own worst enemies.

So, yes, the answer is all women, every single one of us, has experienced some form of horrible stuff--whether abuse by a spouse or boyfriend, rape, sexual harassment, just some clown cursing us in a bar because we're not interested.  We've all been treated like crap by a man at some point in our lives.  But not all men.  Maybe one.  Maybe more based on our individual circumstances.  But worse yet, we can all claim that we have been harassed by at least one other woman.  As I said, we can be our own worst enemies.

Men, well, some of them are just pigs.  Not all, not even close to all.  However, interestingly enough, many men think because they themselves would never treat a woman that way, do not say anything when a woman is.  She's entered their arena and therefore often the many think that we should be treated inappropriately because of it.  Yes, we're on the football field.  That doesn't mean low blows are appropriate.  A man should not get away with making vulgar comments about a co-worker to "put her in her place".  It's not high school.  It's the equivalent of shoving her in a locker and closing the door, to put it in the simplest terms.

As far as this young man's rants, well, sorry ladies.  Not all men view women with hate and discontent because they're not getting laid.  Are there men like this?  Yes, very sadly so.  As far as those men that think women suck because they are not getting laid, 40% of single women have the same complaint.  Go figure.  We just don't get all upset about it and go shooting up a place.

Sixty seconds at 3 pm...

As we come up on this weekend, Memorial Day weekend, most are all excited about having 3 or 4 days off.  Lots are planning picnics, mini-vacations and visiting, celebrating, with family and friends.  I myself am already committed to a "big party" this weekend.  I'm betting most of my readers don't even know that we are supposed to have a moment of silence at 3 pm on Monday for all those that have died in service of this country, in service of freedom.  Furthermore, I bet only one or two realize it is technically Federal law.  We have moved so far away from about what Memorial Day is, why and for whom, that we cannot even appreciate the sacrifices that those that have died have given.

Yes, a moment of silence at 3 pm Monday.  We almost all have cell phones now.  Alarm yourself at 2:59 pm to remind you to take 60 seconds at 3 pm.  Sixty seconds to consider the lives we sacrificed for freedom in combat (these are combat statistics only and do not include all US military losses during those years):

1.  In WWI, 53.4K Americans.
2.  In WWII, 291.6K Americans.
3.  In Korea (during actual action prior to truce), 33.1K Americans.
4.  In Vietnam, 44.7K Americans.
5.  In Desert Storm, 148 Americans.
6.  Current War on Terror, 6.7K Americans (latest count in 2013)

During the Civil War, we sacrificed over 215K Americans on both sides.

Put the rhetoric away.  We haven't sacrificed as many Americans, not even close, to what our grandparents sacrificed in WWII or what our great-great grandparents did to preserve our great country.  Just consider how important each and everyone one of those military members sacrifice is.  Consider theirs and their families' sacrifice:

Consider that almost all of them had a mother and father and grandparents that loved them.
Consider that given the average size of families, almost every single one had siblings that would never hear them laugh again.
Consider on an average well over half of them had spouses and families of their own.
Consider how important it must be for their sacrifices to not be in vain.

Oh, I know.  That's why we should end the war.  Stop.  Focus on what I'm stating.  We have always sacrificed ours for the greater good.  That's what makes us American.  This day, this Memorial Day is about the hollowed ground that those great sacrifices mean.  It means our freedom.  It means others' freedom.

Remember that because of those sacrifices:

Europe is not a Nazi state.
South Korea still has its independence and freedom.
Japan has flourished as a non-warring state.
Kuwait is still independent.
The 240K Iraqi men, women and children that were slaughtered between Desert Storm and 9/11 because they spoke out against (the parents did anyway) Saddam Hussein's regime, were vindicated.
The United States exists because of the Founding Fathers that fought.
The United States still exists because of those Civil War service members.

Stop and think whether you would make those sacrifices yourself.  During the draft of the Vietnam War, there was no choice.  Consider that our grandparents didn't need a draft.  Men and women flocked to help the war effort during World War Two.

I have no doubt of those sacrifices and what they mean.  We all need to understand what those sacrifices are for.  Don't just thank a service member for their service.  Consider that every single one that you have met in the last 40 years did so of their own volition.  No draft.  And always a promise that tomorrow might be their last.  That next week might bring orders to deploy.  That orders might mean that some of them don't return, and yes, that the one that doesn't return might be them.

Is it really that much for you to interrupt your picnic and give the respect to those that have sacrificed for freedom?  Or is it that it has to only be for the freedom that you enjoy?  If so, fine, we still sacrificed hundreds of thousands just for our own country's freedom, the freedoms that you enjoy even today.

Sixty seconds at 3 pm on Monday afternoon.  It shouldn't be that much to ask.

The heart will always show its true intentions...

Lately I've been wondering why so many of my female friends and acquaintances have been dating GenY and even Millennium babies.   I realize that there's always been gold digging women, but gold digging guys?  However, I've come across a lot of GenY women, and even a lot of Millennium babies lately.  (I call them babies because yes, they were friggin' babies when I had my babies.)  An unfair amount of them seem to be looking for sugar daddies.  The minute a guy says something about a house, good job, et cetera, they seem to be swooning--what could only be described as pathetic on their parts.  The end result is that GenX and even Baby Boomer men are in even shorter supply for those of us their age, and well, we have to compensate or be alone.  Interesting conundrum, if we think about it.

First, I've got a lot of female friends that are wonderful women that are alone.  Not for lack of trying, but the first younger piece of tail to walk by and smile and a lot of guys our age will kiss the proverbial buttocks of that chicky half their age.  Kind of leaves a bitter taste in some of my friends' mouths.  Guys their own age or just a bit older won't give them the time of day.  Most of the time my friends remind me that I have it easy since most people assume that I'm in my late 30s instead of mid-40s.  Yes, really easy.  (Feel the sarcasm.)  I've dated two guys considerably younger than me, at least by female standards.  Women typically limit ourselves, or at least used to, to men no more than 5 years younger than ourselves.  We still tend to think of men as our protectors--in spite of the whole Suffragette dream of us being completely autonomous of needing protection, and it's difficult to see a man that is too much younger as the protector.  But yes, both of my last 2 serious relationships--I can call them that since they both lasted over a year--were with guys more than 8 years younger than me.  One was more than 10 years younger.  Both looked older than me, which didn't bother the younger one much--at all really.  The problem with that relationship is that while we seemed to be on the same page for a lot of things he lied about pretty much everything.  He always told me what I wanted to hear.  It took me a while to figure out that he would listen intently to everything I said and then simply regurgitate my own opinion to me.  That was fun for a while, but eventually as the truth started trickling out, it was dismally disheartening.  The next one began telling everyone how old I was and referring to me as his sugar mama.  Like he needed to make sure that everyone knew.  That was actually even more frustrating.  It was really insulting.  Most men are not as good at being the younger person in a couple generally.  It's a societal truth and most women realize it immediately.  So with a lack of men our own age to choose from, many of us are opting to be alone.

Of course, when we talk of the Suffragette dream, it most definitely wasn't girls chasing after men 20 years their senior in hopes of getting everything paid for.  Hell if anything that is the complete opposite of the dream.  Yes, I know that some of those relationships really work, but here's a newsflash:  There's not many.  A relationship is difficult enough without having to pretend to be someone we are not, like things that we have no idea what a man is talking about, and pretend to be attracted to someone that...well, not to be callous, but isn't actually physically attractive to us.  A couple weeks back, I met this attorney.  He's in his late 60s and his now ex-wife is younger than I am, like just turned 40.  He's pissed off that she is now collecting alimony after being married to him for over just 10 years, he's paying child support for a kid that she doesn't seem very interested in (shocking how a money grubbing whore will give birth to get money--like the man has never heard the stories of welfare babies), and has a 22 year old boy toy living in the house that he paid for.  I listened for a bit then realized that he was in fact hitting on me.  Oh my.  I told him I wasn't interested.  He went on and on about how much money he had, how successful he was, and how he would treat me.  Finally after trying to be nice, I cut him off and told him bluntly.  I wasn't a money grubbing whore like his ex-wife and I was sorry but that he had gotten what he paid for.  He didn't understand.  I told him that he wanted his ego stroked, wanted the arm candy, and now was paying for it.  In fact, he had been paying for it all along.  That's one hell of retirement plan right there.  She screws a man that grosses her out for money, has a kid with him, and as soon as the 10 year marker went by, kicked him to the curb and cashed in on her cow.  Now she has the money to screw around with someone that she actually is attracted to, even reverse the tables, and is probably very aware of her motivations.  Money grubbing whores can be very calculating.  Women have known this forever--thus why inherently we typically can't stand them with a passion.  His story isn't the only one.  It's just one of many lamenting stories I've heard in the last few years.  I don't like what his ex did, but I don't feel sorry for him either.  He got exactly what he asked for.  Arm candy that expected to get paid.

Most are really looking for what I described to him.  Someone who gets us, who we are, is genuinely into who we are, not our pocketbooks.  No one deserves some money grubbing, gold digging whore who's simply telling us what we want to hear.  As I have said, I'm pretty much an odd duck.  This guy wasn't an odd duck.  He could find a woman in her 50s who would probably love him more than his ex ever imagined he could be loved.  He could've found her in the 10-15 years that he wasted on this money grubbing, little more than a welfare whore.  That really is the big problem though.  These little whores don't give a second thought to the fact the man in front of them could actually find someone that suits them.  They are looking to have someone kiss their butts.  They tell them what they want to hear.  Then, they are on to the next drama once they've gotten what they wanted.  For someone like me that's the odd duck, well, okay, I'm aware that I'm probably not meeting someone that views the world the way I do.  So maybe the little whores don't really affect my outcome, regardless.  But it pains me to watch my friends, male and female, suffer--both being made fools of and being more alone because of how everything eventually plays out.

Of course, some of these little whores get what's coming to them.  I know a couple of guys my age I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire.  They like to act like they have money, brag about things that they have, and to be blunt, are lying through their teeth.  It's kind of hilarious to watch the little gold digging whores fall all over themselves and even talk trash to women closer to or the same age as these guys.  They've cornered how to take advantage of it.  They themselves are lying about how much money they have and taking the whores for the ride instead of the other way around.  I gotta laugh when I see it.  Although sometimes, these idiots manage to find a genuine woman and hurt them and then it's not all funny.  However, the majority of the time they're hopping from gold digger to gold digger and it's hilarious.  (Yes, admittedly I have a sick sense of humor.)

Is there some simple answer for the people that are just looking for love?  Well of course there is.  Go after someone that shares common interests.  If they don't, don't waste your time.  If everything that they say is exactly what you want to hear, think about it.  No one, and I mean no one, ever tells you exactly what you want to hear.  Only a whore with other goals has that luxury.  We can blame the gold diggers all we want, but the truth is far more ugly.  Guys like to have their egos stroked and there are a lot of younger women that will take advantage of it.  A friend said he's just having sex.  Yea, that's why the last 3 people that crushed his heart were nothing more than money grubbing whores, because we all know inevitably we fall for someone that is in front of us.  And, shockingly, it's not hard to fall for someone who tells us everything that we want to hear, especially if we're having sex with them.  Hell, in all honesty, I think it's easier for men to get suckered in like that than women.  Most women by nature seem to get a little suspicious when we hear exactly what we want to hear.  Are there couples with some years between them that work?  Oh heck yes.  But your odds go way up as a woman gets younger and younger than the man that she is only there for the money.  I told a friend once look for that woman that looks at you like you're the only man in the room.  Not the one that stares at you and constantly agrees and seems to fidget if certain men come into the room.  The one who when she looks into your eyes you can see her, the depth of her and she seems to never lose sight of you even when you are not in her direct line of sight.  The eyes are the window to the soul, and the window to the heart.  The heart will always show its true intentions through the eyes even when every other action is made to say something else.

A chicken egg quandary

One of my mother's favorite books was Why I Am Not Christian by Bertrand Russell.  It's really not so much of a book as a conglomeration of Bertrand Russell's writings and speeches that he gave over the course of his lifetime.  (Look it up.)  I find his writings interesting, but frankly, while I understand the arguments that he gives, I don't believe that a God or whatever you want to call the higher power (of course, I'm assuming that one exists) would care what his opinion was.  I believe God, I'm going to call the higher entity God, expects us to learn certain life lessons.  That's it.  The power of prayer isn't so much about God, or whatever religious deity that we choose to invoke, as much as it is about the recesses of our minds.  Of course, I've been told that I might be confused, generally by people still of Christian faiths, but while that might be the case I explain, God obviously has a point.  Not sure what that point is sometimes, but everything happens for a reason, right?

Okay, well not everything happens for a reason.  My parents believed everything was pretty random.  Daddy and I used to have some interesting philosophical conversations since my father was still an atheist by the time he passed.  (See previous blogs if you're lost.)  My father was pretty adamant that there was no God, no afterlife, nothing but worm food, as he put it once.  No higher power that might control anything.  I told him that was ridiculous only because it was mathematically impossible for everything to be random.  There's a mathematical theorem that states that there are certain random points that are fixed.  In relation to Quantum Mechanics, that means that certain points in time must occur.  It's all basically very confusing, but when it comes right down to it, if we come to a fork in the road and we make a wrong turn that causes us to miss that fixed random point, we will come back full circle to the point that we had to travel through.  That my father said could just be the universe.  Perhaps.  But then isn't the universe somehow organized that it is in fact smarter than we are if it can set fixed points that seem altogether random that we have to go through?

Someone asked me why I came back to South Carolina.  It's home, to me, it's home.  It's easy enough to explain.  I've lived here longer than anywhere else.  I have more friends here than anywhere else.  I have people that are family--the family we choose is often better than the one that God gave us--assuming that is a choice God makes for us.  Of course, most of the reasons that I left lost all their luster, for various reasons.  Then also consider, that my mind, my heart, my soul even wouldn't let go of the idea of coming back.  Now, here's an interesting quandary.  The reasons that I came back have even altered since I came back.  I mean, not the reasoning, but the actual reasons.  Funny how the mind works.  Whatever points I missed there are a couple of things now that are glaring me in the face.  I missed a couple, maybe more, of my fixed random points and I should never have left in the first place.  As one of my Shaman friends will say, life will bring us back where we belong.  It all sounded like hoo-ha sometimes when she and I would talk, but she was the first person to point out that I referred to South Carolina as home--not anywhere else I had ever lived.  She also was the one that pointed out that I had gone from the beginning of the Trail of Tears to the end of it.  I hadn't thought about it until that point.  Whatever I had left behind, just like those that were forced along that march, I was going to have to go back to it sooner or later.  I mean figure the odds that my ex had contemplated us leaving the military and moving to the Upstate.  Then consider the odds my youngest's dad would have wanted to move here too.  Yet, I know of circumstances similar.  One of my best friends was at a party in Sigonella, Italy while she was stationed there.  At the same party was a guy who shared a load of mutual friends but they had not met there.  They had missed each other.  Eventually, they would meet in Jacksonville, Florida and within 9 months of starting to date were married.  Yes, happy ending here:  they have been married over 20 years now.  All of the sudden when asked where I was from rather than going through a lengthy description about how I grew up, well, South Carolina is home.

I'm not saying that's how it works for everything.  Everything doesn't happen for a reason.  Sometimes things just happen because we were supposed to be somewhere that we were supposed to be in the first place.  I'm not sure what that even means myself sometimes.   Sometimes we're in a loop because we're too stupid to realize that we made a wrong turn.  Now, here's where someone would tell me to pray on it.  Praying isn't much different than my Buddhist friends telling me to meditate on it, at least not in this context.  But prayers are not religious either.  Prayers can be well wishes from all the people around us.  The people that care about us.  The mind is an amazing thing.  Most of us use about 10% of the actual grey matter--good news for those of us that abuse the heck out of it.  Our unconscious minds have an untapped ability to do great things, understand things that we would never give ourselves credit to be able to understand, and it's a gift.  A gift from God, Allah, the Goddess, Mother Nature, whatever you want to call it.  The ability to reason, pay attention and see the forest through the trees.  

By no means am I trying to convert anyone to my point of view.  I just really wish that some people, those that seem so incapable of accepting others' points of view, consider that maybe believing what each of us believes is part of what God wants us to recognize.  Who cares really which version of religion as long as it gives us strength when we walk through our trials and tribulations?  If it gives someone strength to believe there is no God, okay.  My father was strong all in his own right and he was good to almost everyone.  Hundreds of laborers, blue collar workers came to his funeral to pay their respect.  How many consulting engineers can say that?  How many people can say that they treated all people equal regardless of walk of life?  My father could.  He didn't need to believe in God to do right by others.  Maybe that was God's way of letting my father be the person that he needed to be.  I have no idea.  I know plenty of people who claim to believe in a God and follow a particular faith and hate.  Even use their faith to justify their hateful behavior, or at least excuse it.  I have to believe that God will balance that out.  The universe will balance itself out.  Energy is neither created or destroyed.  It changes form.  (See a previous blog on Karma.)

As I sit on my back deck writing this, with a cool breeze, plenty of shade, I'm comfortable that I made the right decision.  I'm sure that some of the less popular ones that I've made--at least less popular with me in retrospect--have all gotten me back here.  My faith allows me that.  I don't need anyone to agree with my faith or my view of God.  I never needed my father's approval for my faith.  It always made for interesting discussions though.  I miss those most.  I miss our discussions about all kinds of stuff honestly.  As I said earlier, my father said he was going to be worm food.  I prefer to believe that part of him is always attached to me--much like some religions believe that certain souls are connected, intertwined.  I also prefer to believe by now that he is probably reincarnated, regardless of what he thought.  I see nothing wrong if my stepmother believes that he is in heaven.  As I stated earlier, our beliefs are what give us strength.  There's no right or wrong belief.  The Dalai Lama was once asked about Christians that believe in Creationism.  The question was a trap to incite conflict.  I found the Dalai Lama's response fascinating.  He basically said that as we grow in reason, as human beings, if science can disprove something, then Buddhists wouldn't believe in it anymore.  Much like a magic show, once we know how it actually works, there is no "magic" to it anymore.  The follow up question was what if science could disprove reincarnation.  Reincarnation is a fundamental belief of most Eastern religions and most certainly of Tibetan Buddhism.  His answer:  "We would simply stop believing in it.  But how will science disprove it?"  The egg-chicken argument.  There is no answer.  At least right now.  I'm hoping science never can disprove it.  It's so much nicer to think Daddy is a toddler somewhere rather than worm food.

While I'm sure that my beliefs are not conventional, I do let science rush to my reason.  I need mathematics and physics to help me understand my view.  I just don't believe that all of the wonders that I have seen are nothing but complete random happenings.  Perhaps that was why Bertrand Russell appealed to my mother so much.  There was just logic, no science.  Bertrand Russell used Christianity's own writings to dispel a lot of the things that some Christians still follow.  But as I told my parents once, does it matter if I believe something you don't?  If I do no harm, why can't you have the strength to believe what you believe and I have the strength to believe what I believe?  I tend to believe that the only people that need everyone else to believe as they do are the people that lack that strength.  Perhaps I am naive.  Strength should not come from one's faith.  Faith should come from one's strength.  Again, depending upon your point of view another chicken-egg quandary.

That sounds pathetic in that context...

Having a conversation this morning with one of my best friends in the world, I admitted something that I suspect surprised even her a little.  Not so surprising to me, but I've been contemplating it a lot lately.  I am sick of taking care of everything, everyone and most of all, even myself.  I've had some people tell me what they think I should do that have got the life experience of a gnat.  I've had others who have very different life experiences share theirs, and well, while I see their points of view, it just doesn't apply to my life or me.  Bits and pieces maybe, but it's just so different that most of their insights just don't directly translate.  But the one thing I am sure of, I've taken care of my boys, I've climbed the corporate ladder, and I've done what I needed to do to provide the life I thought my boys shouldn't be deprived of because I didn't have a man.  

Many of my friends have had great marriages...ok, probably more like a half a dozen, but many of them have had subsequent marriages that have been perfect--or as close to perfect as you can get.  I'll admit that's about all I really want now.  I'm pretty sure that's all I wanted when I married my bozo ex-husband.  Don't get me wrong.  From the perspective of his friends, his only issue is that he's a cheating dog.  In every other aspect, he's not really that bad of a guy.  Of course, if you know anything about me, this simply was unacceptable.  I mean I tried, but I just couldn't stick by a cheater.  Over the years I saw what it did to a woman that I thought the world of, someone who deep down I believe both of us were cut from the same cloth.  She died of breast cancer last year, and honestly there's part of me that believes that she just reached a point of giving up.  The heart can only take so much control, so much fettering and so much cheating.  I remember how it broke my heart a few years ago to listen to how embittered and lonely she really was.  If I had any doubt that I could not have survived such an ordeal, ever questioned divorcing my ex, well, that conversation put that all to bed.  Her heart had been crushed, the love was just a memory that she was barely surviving on, and all that was left was empty contempt.  No matter what I believed might have provided a better life for my boys, well, I wouldn't have survived til now.  My tender heart barely survived the first round of cheating and control, let alone years upon years of it.  Still, on the opposite end of the spectrum, I've watched my friends that have that awesome, best friend, love of their life.  There's just no way a marriage truly survives unless there's love...the more the better.  

Of course, since this elusive animal has been utterly devoid of my life, I still had 3 boys to provide for.  I had gotten it in my head that I was going to provide a better life than what I had growing up.  I would be there for my boys no matter what life threw me.  My parents weren't there for me through my teenage years and I'm not holding any grudges.  But, I was not going to do that to my boys.  I watched over the years how some women, generally women, would put their latest fling over their kids.  I've watched a lot of them, some of them even friends, that found that "wonderful" relationship.  I've watched a lot of them screw their kids up with less than wonderful relationships--from the frying pan to the fire.  I've watched some of their wonderful relationships put their children on the back burner.  I don't consider them much better than most whores to be honest.  I simply cannot grasp bringing a life into this world, carrying inside of you, feel it waking you up in the middle of the night because it, boy or girl, is "playing" because you're finally still for the day, and putting your own selfish needs over theirs.  I'd look at my boys and there is my heart.  They deserved better, and I was very fortunate enough to be able to provide a life that most couples have a hard time providing.  I could debate all the mistakes I've made over the years, but truth be told for whatever ways I screwed up, my boys had a better life growing up than a lot.  

That might have been because of my career--the only other real focus of my life for the better portion of two decades.  Honestly, when you're life lacks a partner, you have to fill the void somehow.  My career was the other half.  I climbed the corporate ladder, I made choices that I thought would get me where I need to go, and I put up with Corporate America.  Okay, there are two things I can say about my life with Corporate America:  One, it provided very good for my boys--no complaints.  Two, I hated it.  I probably should've been a housewife and school teacher like most of my mother's family.  That's hilarious if I think about it, because there was no way in hell that I wanted to be some damn housewife or school teacher when I graduated high school or when I was in my 20s.  I'd have probably been a ton happier though.  Yep.  Hindsight being all 20-20 and all.  I love being an engineer.  Totally love it, head over heels--there's love right there.  I love dealing with people most of the time.  But as I climbed the corporate ladder, I didn't like what I saw.  Politics is vicious, especially corporate politics.  Honesty is not always a good thing in that arena, and I am almost honest to a fault.  And in spite of all the wonderful changes in the world, there are still quite a few male chauvinists in the corporate arena.  There's a reason that women have only gone from 2.9% to 4.0% of the corporate executive structure in over 25-30 years.  The politics is exhausting.  If I had had the love of my life, I would have eventually sat down with him and had a discussion on how to change my circumstances.  It really sucked that much.  Some might say it was the company, but every corporate environment has it's share.  I like manufacturing, machines, and enjoy learning from the people on the floor more than I enjoy sitting in a board room conference call where half the answers are lies.  The plant floor has one goal.  Production.  The goals become far more complicated the higher up the ladder, and there are people that will go to great lengths to make failures look good at that level.  Exhausting to watch, let alone participate in.  The corporate arena just works better if you're a man.  I'm not sure that should change anymore.  Maybe Grams was, I lived the life my Grams dreamed of.  Part of me thinks it would be better if I live my own life now.  Sorry Grams.  

Over the years, I've listened to people's advice on how to deal with this or that.  I lived the life my Grams and her sisters dreamt of.  Being able to provide for your family without a man, sit in a board room, earn a really good living (teachers still don't make a lot of money and they made even less back when).  I've had someone who bought a house after living in their parents home until they saved enough money advise me on my finances.  It's laughable.  Life experiences are so different.  I made a lot of money in the stock market; I even had stock options at one point.  I lost a lot of money in the stock market.  I hated it.  Yes, really.  I learned a lot, but there's something to be said for having a partner in life.  Finances are the least reason to worry about having a partner, but bottom line is that worrying about finances is easier when there are two worrying.  My friends that have struggled and those that haven't that have been happily married for years have one fundamental in common.  They have worried together and they have succeeded together.  Funniest thing is that is the least of my worries now.  My boys are grown.  I could frankly care less.  I can make my bills as is.  I had a nice house for my boys.  It was awesome to be able to provide that for them.  They're all grown or almost.  I don't care.  If I had my way now, I'd run away and live on a beach somewhere with no responsibility whatsoever.  Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but there really is a reason that so many executives, Wall Street gurus, just drop it all and go live what most would consider meager lives after being at the top of their game.  I did mention it's friggin' exhausting, didn't I?  Was the money worth it?  Well, yes, because giving my boys the life that I provided was worth it to me.  Now that I'm at the end of having to worry about providing for them, why the hell would I need all that hassle?  Yes, that beach is sounding better and better every moment.  

Of course, as I mentioned my only true love besides my boys is engineering.  I look back and think that maybe I should've went to work for my father after I graduated, but then I realize in a skinny second that I hated structural engineering.  While I appreciate a beautiful building, the work that goes into designing a sturdy airframe, the safety factor calculations...I love machinery and nowhere other than manufacturing has ever afforded the opportunity to "play" with more varied machinery than manufacturing.  Still, as much I love manufacturing, machinery, working on machines, the whole manufacturing plant environment, it just doesn't make up for not having someone to share my life with.  While I shared my life, gave everything that I had to provide a life, with and for my boys, well, they are adults now.  I hear from my oldest sparingly.  I hear from my middle and he's a fascinating young man now.  My youngest has every desire to live in NYC or LA or some major metropolitan area.  That's not the beach or the Upstate.  (If I'm really honest, I'd never leave the Upstate given a choice.)  While work has always been very fulfilling, I realize that has been mainly because of what I have shared with my boys.  Amusement parks, hockey games, hiking, fishing (although I still hate fishing), traveling.  I'm now acutely aware that with them grown they'll have their own families to share with.  

There are friends of mine that are single that were married for years.  They don't want a man in their lives.  Most of them spent decades married.  A couple were gold digging b*tches back in the day and they've accumulated what they want (yes, they're still my friends).  I'd sadly define all of them as man-haters.  I suppose that's fine.  Their life experiences with men haven't been that great.  I really haven't had much tolerating drunks, abuse, cheating, control issues over the last 10 years.  They advise me that I'm better off without a man.  But again, it's all life experience.  Their life experiences are so vastly different from mine.  While I state unequivocally that the corporate arena was still a bit chauvinist, I met some wonderful people, mostly men being an engineer, that were genuinely good men.  I've met a lot of their wives.  Damn good women.  I'm aware that those that picked a good match from the start are the happiest partners of them all.  I'm also not sugar coating it.  Some of those men are a lot of work for their women.  But amazingly, love seems to just be the most important ingredient of all.  I don't "need" a man.  In reality, no woman actually "needs" a man.  No man actually "needs" a woman anymore either.  The partnership and the love are the only reason to be there.  I know some people have been embittered by past experiences.  I can't blame them listening to their experiences.  Part of me feels very glad that I got rid of a bad marriage early on.  I still have hope.  Hope sometimes is more important than having your needs met.  

Not that I won't end up alone.  I look around and even when I was younger there aren't a lot of people like me.  In my humble observations, the person that you share your life with has to be someone that as the saying goes "suits you".  A good match is someone that understands you, respects you, seems to favor you, has a similar intellect and similar views on life, but as a friend said recently, that "switch", falling in love, that has to be there if you want the relationship to flourish.  Otherwise, yes, it's doomed to be little more than a business partnership.  Not exactly what I have in mind at this point.  I'm not sure if the "switch" would exist for someone like me.  I've always been kind of the odd duck.  I blend, but I don't.  I'm a tender heart, but I'm strong.  I'm very intelligent, but I don't judge people on their smarts.  Smarts will only get you so far in life.  I'm God fearing but not much of a fan of organized religion.  I tend to be that duck that wanders off to see what else is in the water just to see if I can learn something new.  Every so often that has meant meeting an alligator.  I've survived, so I figure I'm all good.  I learned not to tempt that alligator again.  If that means I'm alone, well, that's not so bad.  I still grow as a person.  Just not with another duck, just all by myself.  Still, a lone duck is a lonely duck.  Mallards have been known to kill themselves when their significant other dies.  

Not that this blog is worth anything.  You might pull something from it.  Maybe mind your own business and try to remember no one has the exact same life experiences.  So unsolicited advice might be better left in your head.  Probably not.  It's not one of my blogs that is to entertain, or even thought provoke...it's just a self analysis or lack thereof.  I'm not sure what it is.  For all I know, it's just ramblings that my only true loves have been my boys and machines.  Hmmm...booooy, that sounds so pathetic put in that context.  *Sigh*  

Karma is the balance not vengeful...

Karma seems to be an overused, and incorrectly overused word, lately.  I know indirectly a young woman who has abused this word telling people that she believes in "karma".  I put it in quotes because she obviously has no idea what it actually means.  For my Christian friends, most of them believe or at least seem to use the term in regards to believing that there's some kind of universal revenge that gets them before they die and go to heaven or hell.  This is not Karma.  Karma is not vengeful in anyway.  Karma is the balance of the universe, the balancing of the soul, and what for those of us of Eastern faiths believe is what keeps us from doing "bad" things.  "Good" or "bad" karma is more of a Christian view of a fundamental belief to Taoists, Buddhists, et cetera.  It is similar to the belief that Native American religions believe that nature must balance itself.  Karma is that which comes back to you based on what you do as a person.

A friend told me that karma was a "bitch" when we observed something bad happen to a person that she didn't care for.  Another wondered why "bad" karma happens to good people.  Neither of those are Karma.  Karma is what happens as we make decisions that darken our souls.  Karma is what happens when we make decisions that lighten our souls.  Bad things happen.  Good things happen.  Karma is not related necessarily.  When someone has something bad happen to them and then they turn and do bad things to others, they may be tempting Karma.  Doing bad things, knowingly and refusing to understand that no matter what bad things happen to us, will bring "bad" Karma, eventually.  Christians believe, for the most part (although I find this view as an incorrect interpretation of the Bible), that they accept Christ as their savior and all their sins are forgiven.  In Eastern religions, this is not the case, so Karma is that which encourages to live our lives right.  In fact, in my humble observations, there are a lot of Christians out there that assume all their "bad" that they commit is absolved because Christ died for their sins.  My interpretation of the Bible, and the one I was raised with, is that only Christians who truly believe that he died for their sins, recognize their sins, admit to them, and do not repeat them are the truly saved.  Karma is the Eastern view that doing "bad" or "good" will eventually be rewarded accordingly.  Karma is that which makes us think twice before we take the low road.  When bad things happen, because they will, retaliation, hating who has hurt us, we must let them go without acting upon them.  This is much easier said than done.  Each time we take the low road, digress into being a "bad" person making "bad" choices, hurting others, hurting ourselves, these are the things that eventually result in a wake up call from the universe..."bad" Karma.  We cannot keep doing "bad" things to others and benefit from it.  Eventually the universe must balance and eventually that "bad" Karma will catch up with us.  Likewise, we are often tested by "bad" things, the "bad" things that happen to good people.  If we hold steadfast, as Grams would say, "chin up, smile, poise and grace", eventually consistently answering the "bad" things with the high road, doing what is right even when it is the most difficult choice of all, that will eventually lead to "good" Karma balancing out the universe.  All the "bad" we endure without taking the low road has to be balanced out.  "Good" Karma is that balance.

The best way I can describe Karma in terms that most would understand is that we have a bucket we carry around.  For every bad act, for every harm that we do to others, especially that we benefit from, a rock is placed in the bucket.  Some of us have very dark hearts and souls.  Those with darker souls and hearts tend to have very large buckets.  The buckets will eventually overflow and the "bad" Karma will be commiserate to the "crimes" that they have doused others with.  Likewise, with "bad" things that are done to us, we are expected to take the high road.  Each time that we take the high road, either a rock is pulled out of our buckets or if we have no rocks in the bucket, the bucket gets smaller and smaller.  Eventually the bad done to us that we have taken the high road, done the right thing, is rewarded, balanced by "good" Karma.

"Bad" karma is not someone getting their heart broken.  A rock in the bucket is not necessarily placed there because someone breaks someone's heart.  A rock goes into the bucket  because the person that did the breaking was only using the other person, manipulating, had "bad" intent from the start.  "Good" karma is not winning the lottery, as plenty of lottery winners can attest to.  "Bad" Karma would be a man who beat his wife then having his daughter beat to a pulp by her husband and having to face his own acts.  If he realizes what he has done wrong and accepts the responsibility for his actions then his balance may be restored.  A man who sexually abused his daughter dying a very painful death from prostate cancer without  any love around him would be an example.  Since Eastern religions believe in reincarnation, his lesson is carried to the next life and if he has accepted his mistakes, then his bucket, his soul is rebalanced.  His load lightened.  Either man being shot in a convenience store robbery is not Karma.  That is just a "bad" thing happening to a "bad" person.  Karma is directly related to the things that we have done wrong or right, the decisions that we have made that have resulted in some imbalance in our bucket.  Ideally we strive to have no bucket at all, which is an impossibility since we are only human and we inevitably make mistakes.

To be clear, bad things do happen to good people.  Generally, bad things happen to good people because a lot of people seem to think that doing bad things to others gets what they want.  They have either always been that way or they have come to the conclusion that if they're going to be screwed it is better to be the screwer than the screwee.  Karma, whether balancing would serve "bad" or "good", can be "fixed".  Doing the right thing, genuinely, not with the plan to lighten the load, but just for the sake of doing "right" is how some people can lighten the load, but much like Christianity, one must truly repent and know that they had done someone else wrong and determine that they will not repeat that mistake in the future.

If anyone wants to talk about karma, do so with the understanding of what we are talking about.  Karma is not vengeful.  It is not cruel.  It is balance to the universe.  For all the bad things that some do, Karma will have to balance the rewards that were claimed through "bad" acts.  For all the good acts that seem to go unnoticed, Karma does notice and will balance those things eventually with "good" Karma.  It is that view that allows Eastern culture to take a lower position, walk away even when the only urge we have is to fight.  I have been wronged over the years and as I said a friend told me she couldn't understand why "bad" things seem to happen to me.  I don't view them as "bad" I told her.  They are God's way (the universe, fate, whatever you want to believe in) of getting me where I need to be.  As the saying goes, God closes one door only to open another.  My belief in Karma allows me to take that point of view.  The "bad" things that may or may not have been done to me are not mine to tally.  Those buckets, if they are being filled, are not even my buckets.  Turning away to the next open door, not retaliating, taking the high road, whatever the circumstances may be, prevents from adding a rock to my bucket.  I have no control over anyone else's bucket, just my own.  While bad things happen, I know that the universe will eventually balance itself out and Karma is what will readjust the balance.