Having a conversation this morning with one of my best friends in the world, I admitted something that I suspect surprised even her a little. Not so surprising to me, but I've been contemplating it a lot lately. I am sick of taking care of everything, everyone and most of all, even myself. I've had some people tell me what they think I should do that have got the life experience of a gnat. I've had others who have very different life experiences share theirs, and well, while I see their points of view, it just doesn't apply to my life or me. Bits and pieces maybe, but it's just so different that most of their insights just don't directly translate. But the one thing I am sure of, I've taken care of my boys, I've climbed the corporate ladder, and I've done what I needed to do to provide the life I thought my boys shouldn't be deprived of because I didn't have a man.
Many of my friends have had great marriages...ok, probably more like a half a dozen, but many of them have had subsequent marriages that have been perfect--or as close to perfect as you can get. I'll admit that's about all I really want now. I'm pretty sure that's all I wanted when I married my bozo ex-husband. Don't get me wrong. From the perspective of his friends, his only issue is that he's a cheating dog. In every other aspect, he's not really that bad of a guy. Of course, if you know anything about me, this simply was unacceptable. I mean I tried, but I just couldn't stick by a cheater. Over the years I saw what it did to a woman that I thought the world of, someone who deep down I believe both of us were cut from the same cloth. She died of breast cancer last year, and honestly there's part of me that believes that she just reached a point of giving up. The heart can only take so much control, so much fettering and so much cheating. I remember how it broke my heart a few years ago to listen to how embittered and lonely she really was. If I had any doubt that I could not have survived such an ordeal, ever questioned divorcing my ex, well, that conversation put that all to bed. Her heart had been crushed, the love was just a memory that she was barely surviving on, and all that was left was empty contempt. No matter what I believed might have provided a better life for my boys, well, I wouldn't have survived til now. My tender heart barely survived the first round of cheating and control, let alone years upon years of it. Still, on the opposite end of the spectrum, I've watched my friends that have that awesome, best friend, love of their life. There's just no way a marriage truly survives unless there's love...the more the better.
Of course, since this elusive animal has been utterly devoid of my life, I still had 3 boys to provide for. I had gotten it in my head that I was going to provide a better life than what I had growing up. I would be there for my boys no matter what life threw me. My parents weren't there for me through my teenage years and I'm not holding any grudges. But, I was not going to do that to my boys. I watched over the years how some women, generally women, would put their latest fling over their kids. I've watched a lot of them, some of them even friends, that found that "wonderful" relationship. I've watched a lot of them screw their kids up with less than wonderful relationships--from the frying pan to the fire. I've watched some of their wonderful relationships put their children on the back burner. I don't consider them much better than most whores to be honest. I simply cannot grasp bringing a life into this world, carrying inside of you, feel it waking you up in the middle of the night because it, boy or girl, is "playing" because you're finally still for the day, and putting your own selfish needs over theirs. I'd look at my boys and there is my heart. They deserved better, and I was very fortunate enough to be able to provide a life that most couples have a hard time providing. I could debate all the mistakes I've made over the years, but truth be told for whatever ways I screwed up, my boys had a better life growing up than a lot.
That might have been because of my career--the only other real focus of my life for the better portion of two decades. Honestly, when you're life lacks a partner, you have to fill the void somehow. My career was the other half. I climbed the corporate ladder, I made choices that I thought would get me where I need to go, and I put up with Corporate America. Okay, there are two things I can say about my life with Corporate America: One, it provided very good for my boys--no complaints. Two, I hated it. I probably should've been a housewife and school teacher like most of my mother's family. That's hilarious if I think about it, because there was no way in hell that I wanted to be some damn housewife or school teacher when I graduated high school or when I was in my 20s. I'd have probably been a ton happier though. Yep. Hindsight being all 20-20 and all. I love being an engineer. Totally love it, head over heels--there's love right there. I love dealing with people most of the time. But as I climbed the corporate ladder, I didn't like what I saw. Politics is vicious, especially corporate politics. Honesty is not always a good thing in that arena, and I am almost honest to a fault. And in spite of all the wonderful changes in the world, there are still quite a few male chauvinists in the corporate arena. There's a reason that women have only gone from 2.9% to 4.0% of the corporate executive structure in over 25-30 years. The politics is exhausting. If I had had the love of my life, I would have eventually sat down with him and had a discussion on how to change my circumstances. It really sucked that much. Some might say it was the company, but every corporate environment has it's share. I like manufacturing, machines, and enjoy learning from the people on the floor more than I enjoy sitting in a board room conference call where half the answers are lies. The plant floor has one goal. Production. The goals become far more complicated the higher up the ladder, and there are people that will go to great lengths to make failures look good at that level. Exhausting to watch, let alone participate in. The corporate arena just works better if you're a man. I'm not sure that should change anymore. Maybe Grams was, I lived the life my Grams dreamed of. Part of me thinks it would be better if I live my own life now. Sorry Grams.
Over the years, I've listened to people's advice on how to deal with this or that. I lived the life my Grams and her sisters dreamt of. Being able to provide for your family without a man, sit in a board room, earn a really good living (teachers still don't make a lot of money and they made even less back when). I've had someone who bought a house after living in their parents home until they saved enough money advise me on my finances. It's laughable. Life experiences are so different. I made a lot of money in the stock market; I even had stock options at one point. I lost a lot of money in the stock market. I hated it. Yes, really. I learned a lot, but there's something to be said for having a partner in life. Finances are the least reason to worry about having a partner, but bottom line is that worrying about finances is easier when there are two worrying. My friends that have struggled and those that haven't that have been happily married for years have one fundamental in common. They have worried together and they have succeeded together. Funniest thing is that is the least of my worries now. My boys are grown. I could frankly care less. I can make my bills as is. I had a nice house for my boys. It was awesome to be able to provide that for them. They're all grown or almost. I don't care. If I had my way now, I'd run away and live on a beach somewhere with no responsibility whatsoever. Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but there really is a reason that so many executives, Wall Street gurus, just drop it all and go live what most would consider meager lives after being at the top of their game. I did mention it's friggin' exhausting, didn't I? Was the money worth it? Well, yes, because giving my boys the life that I provided was worth it to me. Now that I'm at the end of having to worry about providing for them, why the hell would I need all that hassle? Yes, that beach is sounding better and better every moment.
Of course, as I mentioned my only true love besides my boys is engineering. I look back and think that maybe I should've went to work for my father after I graduated, but then I realize in a skinny second that I hated structural engineering. While I appreciate a beautiful building, the work that goes into designing a sturdy airframe, the safety factor calculations...I love machinery and nowhere other than manufacturing has ever afforded the opportunity to "play" with more varied machinery than manufacturing. Still, as much I love manufacturing, machinery, working on machines, the whole manufacturing plant environment, it just doesn't make up for not having someone to share my life with. While I shared my life, gave everything that I had to provide a life, with and for my boys, well, they are adults now. I hear from my oldest sparingly. I hear from my middle and he's a fascinating young man now. My youngest has every desire to live in NYC or LA or some major metropolitan area. That's not the beach or the Upstate. (If I'm really honest, I'd never leave the Upstate given a choice.) While work has always been very fulfilling, I realize that has been mainly because of what I have shared with my boys. Amusement parks, hockey games, hiking, fishing (although I still hate fishing), traveling. I'm now acutely aware that with them grown they'll have their own families to share with.
There are friends of mine that are single that were married for years. They don't want a man in their lives. Most of them spent decades married. A couple were gold digging b*tches back in the day and they've accumulated what they want (yes, they're still my friends). I'd sadly define all of them as man-haters. I suppose that's fine. Their life experiences with men haven't been that great. I really haven't had much tolerating drunks, abuse, cheating, control issues over the last 10 years. They advise me that I'm better off without a man. But again, it's all life experience. Their life experiences are so vastly different from mine. While I state unequivocally that the corporate arena was still a bit chauvinist, I met some wonderful people, mostly men being an engineer, that were genuinely good men. I've met a lot of their wives. Damn good women. I'm aware that those that picked a good match from the start are the happiest partners of them all. I'm also not sugar coating it. Some of those men are a lot of work for their women. But amazingly, love seems to just be the most important ingredient of all. I don't "need" a man. In reality, no woman actually "needs" a man. No man actually "needs" a woman anymore either. The partnership and the love are the only reason to be there. I know some people have been embittered by past experiences. I can't blame them listening to their experiences. Part of me feels very glad that I got rid of a bad marriage early on. I still have hope. Hope sometimes is more important than having your needs met.
Not that I won't end up alone. I look around and even when I was younger there aren't a lot of people like me. In my humble observations, the person that you share your life with has to be someone that as the saying goes "suits you". A good match is someone that understands you, respects you, seems to favor you, has a similar intellect and similar views on life, but as a friend said recently, that "switch", falling in love, that has to be there if you want the relationship to flourish. Otherwise, yes, it's doomed to be little more than a business partnership. Not exactly what I have in mind at this point. I'm not sure if the "switch" would exist for someone like me. I've always been kind of the odd duck. I blend, but I don't. I'm a tender heart, but I'm strong. I'm very intelligent, but I don't judge people on their smarts. Smarts will only get you so far in life. I'm God fearing but not much of a fan of organized religion. I tend to be that duck that wanders off to see what else is in the water just to see if I can learn something new. Every so often that has meant meeting an alligator. I've survived, so I figure I'm all good. I learned not to tempt that alligator again. If that means I'm alone, well, that's not so bad. I still grow as a person. Just not with another duck, just all by myself. Still, a lone duck is a lonely duck. Mallards have been known to kill themselves when their significant other dies.
Not that this blog is worth anything. You might pull something from it. Maybe mind your own business and try to remember no one has the exact same life experiences. So unsolicited advice might be better left in your head. Probably not. It's not one of my blogs that is to entertain, or even thought provoke...it's just a self analysis or lack thereof. I'm not sure what it is. For all I know, it's just ramblings that my only true loves have been my boys and machines. Hmmm...booooy, that sounds so pathetic put in that context. *Sigh*
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